


Suffocate

by ArcticLucie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Collector Abduction, Control Ending, Dysfunctional Family, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Love at First Sight, M/M, Making Love, Male Slash, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, Men in love, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, POV Multiple, Possessive!Jane, Romance, Secret Relationship, Shepard Twins, Space Husbands, mShenko, paragon/renegade dynamics, secret engagement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-03-01 12:53:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 45
Words: 160,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2773691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticLucie/pseuds/ArcticLucie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan's blood is boiling when he leaves Horizon. After his fight with Jane, he's ready to give up on love all together. But when he gets his new assignment from Hackett to infiltrate the Normandy and keep an eye on her, he meets his backup—who just happens to be Jane's brother—that will make him rethink his entire relationship with her and everything he thought he knew about love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> This is a canon divergent fic that pretty much follows the canon storyline. The MShenko love story is the focus as is the rocky relationship between the Shepard twins. Jane is the 'main' Shepard and there was a FemShep/Kaidan romance in ME1. We start off right after their fight on Horizon in ME2 and go through ME3. It is mostly in Kaidan's POV but there will be a few chapters told from other characters. Enjoy!

_It's never easy and you never know_  
_What leaves you crying_  
_And what makes you whole_  
_There ain't no way that I can hold it down_  
_Falling to pieces_  
_Forever in doubt_  
**-When the Heartache Ends, Rob Thomas**

* * *

 

Kaidan was angry. More than angry, he was furious. More than furious, he was livid! His skin was crawling, his pulse was close to stroking him out (the bad kind of stroke), he was the closest he'd ever come from losing control after BAtT, and he was sure that the next person who he thought even looked at him funny was going to get a quick biotic kick to the teeth.

He may have been going crazy; it was hard to tell.

He thought she was dead. He mourned her, missed her, thought he loved her. And maybe it was his fault for getting too close, letting her get under his skin, into his heart, opening up for the first time since Rahna. That was on him. Lesson learned. Another F in life for Alenko. Another F in love. That was it, he was done, with her, with Horizon, with love, with people, with the whole damn galaxy!

His omni-tool beeped.

He thought about not checking it. It wasn't like it was going to be an important message from the brass, life and death, galaxy-ending news, nothing worth writing home about. He never received those kinds of messages. It was probably junk mail or a confirmation of his reports being received. He filed them on time, sent his briefings, crossed his t's, dotted his i's before takeoff. Nothing that couldn't wait two hours until he reached the Citadel. But he mostly didn't want to be pushed over the edge if it was from Shepard.

Everything was too raw. Too emotional. Garrus? A Turian working for Cerberus. A Salarian too? Or _with_ Cerberus as Shepard kept trying to say. They're the same things essentially. Of course, if aliens could trust Shepard enough to join an evil anti-Alien organization then why couldn't he?

 _No!_ That wasn't him. He was all Alliance, born and bred, through and through. His omni beeped again. _Shit!_ That meant it was marked urgent. Maybe Shepard was being dramatic. She was good like that, stirring up trouble, doing whatever the hell she felt like regardless of rules or regs. He wouldn't put it passed her to mark a non-urgent message as such just to twist the knife.

He looked anyway.

"Holy fucking shit!"

"Everything okay, Commander Alenko?" asked the startled marine in the seat next to him. Kaidan hadn't wanted company, never really did actually, but after working with Shepard to take down Saren, his face was familiar. More familiar than he would have liked, especially to other marines, but it was what it was.

"Priority message from an Admiral. No big deal," he shrugged it off.

"Holy fucking shit!" the marine mirrored. "You're Alliance royalty if an admiral sends you messages directly. I'm totally not worthy!"

No, he wasn't, but neither was Kaidan.

\----------------------

_Sender: S. Hackett, ADM._  
_Receiver: K. Alenko, Lt. Cdr._  
_Subject: Debriefing_  
_Alenko, report immediately to Councilor Anderson's office upon arrival to the Citadel for debriefing and your new marching orders.  
-S. Hackett_

_\-----------------------_

_What the hell? Is this a joke? Hackett contacting me?_ It was beyond out of the blue. He'd only met Hackett a few times and in most of those, Hackett hadn't even so much as acknowledged him. In the ones in which they did share words, it was a simple "Yes, sir/No, sir" from him. Two days after he finds out Shepard is alive, back from the dead, working with Cerberus, and Hackett's contacting him directly?

He was starting to get a headache just thinking about it. Why? What did he want? Was he going to give him a dishonorable discharge for conversing with a terrorist? Was Shepard a terrorist? She sure was working for the wrong organization to deny it if she wasn't. Was he going to be there in Anderson's office? Why couldn't Anderson message him himself?

"...Is that true?" asked the marine.

"Hmm? Oh, sorry. I'm a bit distracted. What did you say?" He wasn't in the mood for idle chitchat. He wasn't in the mood for doughy-eyed young privates. Although, he never was. Peace and quiet, that's all he ever wanted.

"Did you date Commander Shepard? My friend said she saw you guys together on the Citadel and you looked more than cozy!"

Kaidan was speechless. Not that that was anything new for him. All he could do was stare blankly at he marine. He probably looked like a braindead Hanar, all limp and noodly. He could almost feel the drool escaping his mouth to dribble down his chin like a buffoon. It was probably warmer than Hanar brain jelly; at least that was in his favor. On that note, the auras started.

"Are you alright, Commander? You look a little green."

"Fine, just need to sleep for a bit. Wake me when we arrive."

Great...he was supposed to meet Anderson, and potentially Hackett, in two hours and he was in the beginning stages of what he felt like was going to be a killer migraine. Not what he needed after a huge fight with a terrorist group or his unsuccessful mission to save the colonists on Horizon. And especially not after harsh words with his whatever she was to him now.

He was thankful that he only had to vomit twice. The ship was small, transport only, and not conducive to sick marines. The med-bay was dilapidated and was in dire need of supplies. Nothing would have helped with his migraine though, so it wasn't too big of a disappointment. At least he wasn't bleeding from a head wound or a knife to the gut. It was his back that took the brunt of that burden on Horizon, metaphorically speaking as to not require medi-gel.

There was no medicine strong enough to heal a broken heart, if that's what it was he was suffering from. He really couldn't be sure. He thought he loved her, but maybe he didn't. He certainly felt like he didn't know her anymore. Maybe Cerberus changed her. It'd been two years, maybe he was the one that changed.

He didn't need to be woken by the marine when they arrived. The jostle of the docking arms engaging was enough to do the job. The auras had appeared to have made a retreat for the moment. The bright lights of the Citadel were going to remedy that soon. That was a guarantee.

"It was nice meeting you, Commander Alenko," said the marine with a salute as he walked towards the airlock. Kaidan could only wave and give a small forced smile. He hoped he hadn't been rude. That wasn't his intention.

He had made arrangements for his things to be sent ahead to the barracks when he received the orders from Hackett. He knew he wouldn't have had time to do it himself and it was one less thing to worry about. His brain was already in overdrive from his confrontation with Shepard, no need to push it.

He cringed every time he walked by a flashing vidscreen. He winced when a voice or a sound from the shops echoed in his ear. Even the sound of his own boots on the ground were like daggers being thrust viciously into his eye sockets. When he arrived, he was surprised he made it to the right place. It was a victory having only been able to concentrate on a narrow path through the slits that temporarily took the place of his eyes.

If he thought his vision was narrow before, when he stepped into Anderson's office, it was damn near whittled down to a exquisite man-shaped point of light. Perfection incarnate, a body that had to have been chiseled out of marble from an expert craftsman, or handed down from the gods themselves to show off to the rest of the galaxy exactly what kind of beauty they were capable of.

Strong, broad shoulders tapered down to perfectly proportional hips and an ass that was eerily familiar. His arms had to have been crossed in front of him because the fabric of his black t-shirt was pulled taut over his back, the outline of his shoulder blades poking through. Thick, powerful thighs were wrapped tightly in dark jeans that Kaidan had the strange urge to rip off, if only to see the way the muscles moved under the skin.

When the door had opened to let him in, the man was standing on the balcony overlooking the Presidium. He turned his head slightly revealing a sculpted profile that made Kaidan's stomach do a summersault. He hadn't realized his breath was caught in his throat until Anderson said something that required him to respond.

"Just the usual headache, sir. Nothing to worry about."

"Good, good. Let's get started, shall we? Hackett should be here shortly and he said to go ahead without him," Anderson assured him.

"Sorry, sir, but why is Hackett joining us for a simple debrief? That seems a little...unusual." Kaidan said, bewildered, in pain, and trying hard not to think about the man standing unimaginably still behind the Councilor. It seemed a little unconventional, some stranger, as gorgeous as he was, silently observing the meeting.

Maybe he was seeing things? Was he hallucinating? Anderson didn't seem to notice the man. Or if he did, he didn't feel the need to introduce them. Perhaps he was only a statue, one made out of marble, like he thought previously. At least that made more sense than some guy in civvies attending a meeting that would soon involve an admiral.

Then again, if Hackett was on his way, there wasn't anything routine about this debrief. Anderson seemed to be unaffected by the stranger, or comfortable enough with his presence to let him sit/stand around while they went over Kaidan's findings on Horizon, information that seemed to be vitally important to an admiral en route if he came all the way from Arcturus for it. Of course it was important, it was Commander Shepard back from the dead.

"I thought I could use the backup." Anderson's answer only made Kaidan more confused. "You'll understand why soon enough."

"I'm sure, sir."

"Yes. I can't promise this is going to be easy, son," Anderson said with a long sigh. "Tell me about Horizon."

Kaidan did as he was told. He detailed the Collector ship that came out of nowhere, the bugs that blackened the sky, the loss of most of the colonists that he was sure was his fault somehow. The trouble with the AA guns and the piss poor attitude of the colonists.

When he got to the part about Shepard, the stranger began to pace. He wasn't stone after all. One hand was crossed over his chest gripping his opposite bicep. The other was cupping his chin, fingers grazing across a couple of days worth of stubble. Kaidan tried not to stare, tried to keep eye contact with Anderson, but he couldn't help but watch the man in his periphery.

His eyes were almost iridescent. A bright blue that Kaidan had never seen before and thought he never would again. They stood out on dark tan skin. He wanted to taste it to see if the skin was crisp and clean or covered in sweat and musk. He would've gladly rejoiced in either.

_What the Fuck? Keep your shit together, Alenko!_

He'd just had a fight with Jane. His brain was obviously unsteady. Ten minutes ago he was ready to give up on love, on lust, on everything. The last thing he was expecting was to be ogling a strange man in Anderson's office during a debrief, but Spirits was he beautiful. Mysterious and gorgeous, and important if Anderson was allowing him to hear everything he had just said, things that defined the words "highly classified".

Kaidan was drawn to the man. He was like the light guiding his hazy brain to safety, the calm in his fucked up storm. That was a weird way to feel about someone he'd just met, well technically hadn't yet met, but it was there rattling around in his brain along with thoughts of what he looked like under his clothes, whether or not he was into guys, or if he was even available. Probably not.

Not that he was anywhere near being ready for something like that in his current state. He was unsure of his status with Shepard. He hadn't dated enough before that to really know what a breakup was. Besides, how could someone like that not be locked down? How could anyone let someone so handsome go if they were lucky enough to land him?

"Anything else that you left out of your report?" asked Hackett. It took everything Kaidan had not to jump out of his skin when the admiral spoke because Kaidan hadn't realized he'd entered the room until just then. He blamed it on the migraine, but that was a lie.

"No, sir."

"Very well. Anderson will fill you in on your next assignment. It may sound a bit unconventional, especially considering the circumstances, but you'll have backup and we both have faith in your abilities to get the job done," Hackett said with a nod. He rose from his chair. Kaidan had to remind himself that from his sitting position, he wasn't expected to salute.

Kaidan thought he was about to leave, but instead, he went over to the tall drink of water still pacing on the balcony. He got his attention and they started talking quietly. Kaidan was focused on Anderson, but he was good at looking without his eyes.

His heart had some sort of spasm when the Stranger finally looked in his direction. Soldier's hearts didn't skip beats because that was just silly, so whatever had happened to it must've been stress related. Had to be. Maybe he was coming down with something from Horizon. He wouldn't've been too surprised to hear that some of its inhabitants had poisoned him.

"This isn't going to be easy considering your history with Shepard and your meeting on Horizon, but it has to be done. And you have to do it," Anderson told him firmly.

He must have been waiting for a reply, a "yes, sir", but when it wasn't given immediately, he continued.

"You're going undercover on the Normandy." It was sharp, blunt, to the point, and absolutely insane.

"NO!"

"It's not up for debate, Commander. It's an order."

"NO!" he said again. Both Hackett and the man on the balcony had faded from his mind due to his fury. They had stopped their conversation to watch how the scene played out, but he failed to notice anything but his outrage at what he'd just heard.

"NO, I'm not doing it!"

"Alenko, this is important. Maybe the most important assignment you've ever had. We need to know how she's doing, how strong the Illusive Man's hold is on her, and most importantly...if she's a threat," Hackett explained.

"I, I can't! She's, she's Shep...I can't _spy_ on her! I WON'T! Ground me, court-martial me if you want to, but I'm not doing it! Not gonna happen!!"

He hadn't realized how close the three men had gotten to him in the last few seconds. They were hovering over him like wolves over their prey. Three sets of piercing eyes focused solely on him. The only ones that stood out were the fiery blues of the Stranger that still hadn't been introduced to him. They hit him right in the chest and all of a sudden, he couldn't breath. Those eyes were suffocating him. He was dizzy, the room was spinning, he went to stand, but his legs were shaky and almost gave out on him.

"Why's it so hot in here?!" Kaidan mumbled.

"Stay down, Commander. Everything is going to be fine. Just breathe, deep breaths," said Anderson.

"I thought you said he could handle this!!" snapped the Stranger.

"He'll be fine," assured Hackett.

And that's the last thing he heard before he passed out.


	2. Weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan get acquainted. Kaidan falls then starts to fall.

I am all that I'll ever be  
When you lay your hands over me  
But don't go weak on me now  
I know that it's weak  
But God help me I need this  
**-Bed of Lies, Matchbox Twenty**

* * *

 

His eyelids were heavy. He tried several times to open them, but all he managed to do was wiggle his eyebrows unintentionally. He groaned softly and tried to test out his limbs instead. His fingers worked, his toes worked, his neck was still able to move from side to side. It was only his eyes that refused to cooperate.

Without much sensory data, it was nearly impossible to tell where he was. It couldn't have been the barracks, the bed was too big, too soft, and it was too quiet. _A hotel?_ He gave up on guessing after one try and attempted to open his eyes again. He was able to crack them this time, enough to reveal a dimly lit room.

He tried to remember what happened; when he got there, where he was, how long he'd been out. He wasn't in restraints which was a good sign. Then, like a strike of lightning, his meeting with Anderson, Hackett, and the Stranger popped into his head. Surely, they weren't really expecting him to reconcile with his whatever she was in order to spy on her. Could they really order something like that?

A muffled sound in the far corner startled him. He wasn't alone. At least he still had clothes on. That was a good mindset to have right now: optimism. His luck was short-lived when he turned to find the handsome Stranger from the meeting slumped over in a chair asleep. Yeah, of course he was fully clothed, that would've been too easy.

Kaidan cleared his throat and the man was startled awake, drawing his pistol as he stood, back perfectly straight, eyes alert like he hadn't just been softly snoring. Those piercing blues weren't suffocating him anymore, they were comforting, concerned. Who was this guy? He was tired of being left out in the dark. All he needed was a name. Then maybe he could die content.

"Kaidan Alenko," Kaidan introduced himself as he sat up.

"John Shepard," John replied.

Silence.

"Shepard?" Kaidan asked confused.

"Alenko?" John said, matching his tone. He put away his pistol and sat back down. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, chin resting on the tips of his long, probably extremely talented, fingers. He was dressed the same plus a leather N7 jacket.

"John Shepard?" Kaidan asked again.

"Kaidan Alenko...Look, I have a feeling this might go on for a while, I know a Krogan, and we just don't have the time."

"I...no, probably not," Kaidan couldn't've hid the bewilderment on his face if he tried.

"I know you dated my sister, and considering that you're not dead, you can assume I approved."

"Sister?" Kaidan managed to mumble, but John ignored him and continued.

"You and I are going to infiltrate the Normandy, keep tabs on Cerberus, monitor their activities, and watch my sister's back. Because quite frankly, I don't trust anyone else to do so, especially anyone on a Cerberus boat. Except maybe the Turian; we've had some good times....Anyway, we aren't going in to _spy_ on her, we will be keeping her safe. Sometimes, when you love someone, you have to be willing to save them from themselves."

"But—"

"You will contact her, tell her you're sorry, that you want another chance, that you're taking a leave of absence from the Alliance and you want to be with her when she stops the Collectors. She'll come to the Citadel to pick you up, you two will run into me, we're old friends, me and you. You can lie can't you? No matter, you'll learn. You'll conveniently invite me to join you. She won't be able to say 'no' to you after your reconciliation and we'll be set. Questions?"

"Wait...Jane's you're sister?"

"Not exactly the kind of question that I had in mind, keep up, but yes."

"You approve? We've never met! Have we?"

"I make it a habit to know the people my sister dates regardless of whether or not I've met them. Call me overprotective."

"But how are we going to, she, she's smart, we won't be able to fool her. She'll figure out that we don't know each other within seconds."

"We have four days until the Normandy is set to dock. You'll have 'til then to get to know me," John said as he straightened his back.

"What about you, you'll—"

"Kaidan Chase Alenko, born November 23rd, 2151. At BAtT, you killed a teacher and shut the place down. Impressive," John smirked, and Kaidan's heart did that thing again which was most definitely from something he picked up on Horizon and not some fluttery feeling that his girlfriend/ex's brother was causing him.

"You don't have many friends, but the ones you do have are good people, your L2 makes you spike extremely high, you're lucky in that you only suffer from migraines. You're an only child, father's former Alliance, Canadian, lover of beer and steak. You went out with some doctor a few months ago, that you won't be disclosing to my sister. You're humor is dry, you're heart is filled to the brim with integrity, and you're a damn good soldier."

"That's pretty much it," Kaidan said shyly. "Kinda sad really. I don't need to know about me, though."

"I'm the reason people wonder how she can be in two places at once," he said, smirking again. Sure enough, Kaidan's heart followed suit.

"She never said—"

"For two people who shared a womb, we don't get along very well. We have different SOP's. She's guns blazing, I'm silent infiltration. You know she's there as soon as she gets her boots on the ground. You'll only know I've been there long after I'm gone. I'm not too broken up about her not mentioning me. I usually deny it myself."

That was pretty much all Kaidan needed to know about him. He was the cool, collected one, she was highly volatile. Two sides of two very different coins. Not that he didn't mind volatile, but cool and collected was looking divine in his leather jacket. N7 obviously. SpecOps, no doubt. He probably had a better shot and a steadier hand than Jane.

No, this whole thing was a bad idea, being trapped in a small, flying box with a woman he may or may not be in love with and a man, her brother, that he was having a hard time dragging his eyes away from. It read all sorts of wrong, red warning signs flashing in every direction. And to be honest, he couldn't figure out which one was making his heart scream 'let's do it!' That was a lie, he knew exactly which one was making his heart do crazy things.

"We might need to get a little more personal than that," Kaidan suggested.

"Yeah...we're twins, I'm older, six minutes, I also like beer and steak. I have a mean poker face, so don't play me. I, uh, have less friends than you do, too busy. I'm single, no time for long walks on the beach, but I imagine I'd like them."

Another smirk, another flutter.

"So...what, we go out for beers every once in a while?"

"Yeah, but we're both terrible wingmen and stick out like sore thumbs," John said with more than a smirk. This time it was a full-fledged grin, and instead of fluttering, Kaidan's heart melted.

_I am not in love with my girlfriend's brother! That's all kinds of messed up!_

"I freed a Rachni queen on Noveria, had to kill my best friend's mother to do so, but it helped you guys stop Saren," John explained. His blue eyes fell, heavy under the weight of what he just admitted, and Kaidan's heart did too.

"I'm sure you did what you had to do. Really, a Rachni queen?

"The last queen. I couldn't commit genocide on an entire race. Call me weak, call me sappy, but it wasn't my place to play god. I hope that counts for something. Jane would've killed her."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Best friend?" Kaidan asked, hoping to lift his spirits.

"Liara T'Soni. I believe you know her."

"Wait, you're the John that rescued her? She told me all about you after she came aboard. She said you were handsome, but—" John's eyebrows furrowed at that. "Sorry, I just meant that I can see Jane in you." _Yeah Alenko, just hit on your girlfriend's brother._

"We don't look much alike," John insisted with another grin. "But I think we're both pretty attractive. I'm biased obviously."

"So am I," Kaidan joked back. He watch John lick the corner of his mouth, and instead of fluttering or melting, his heart practically seized up completely. He hope John couldn't see the blush creep up his cheeks in the dim lights. John already admitted he was overprotective; Kaidan couldn't think hitting on him would earn him any points. "I gotta hit the head."

He had to get out of there to compose himself and his thoughts. If John was uncomfortable about Kaidan practically saying he was handsome, he didn't let on. Maybe he was waiting to catch him off guard. Or maybe Kaidan was reading way too much into everything. That was most likely. Everyone always said he thought too much.

"Wash up. I'll make us something to eat," John said.

"You cook? Jane burns toast," Kaidan muttered in shock.

"I think it's safe to assume we're total opposites," John chuckled as he stood from the chair. "You like wine?"

"Uh, yeah..." Kaidan went to stand but his weak knees refused to cooperate. He could see himself falling in slow motion, but before he could hit the ground, or the bed he was trying to aim for, strong arms caught him mid flight. They wrapped around him tight, holding him up, holding him close, so close but not close enough, John's scent both enchanting and intoxicating as it seeped into his skin while strong hands tried to steady him.

For a split second, with those arms snaking around him and pulling him flush against John's solid frame, Kaidan felt safer than he ever had before, like he finally found somewhere to belong, somewhere he never wanted to leave. Just as quick, those arms were gone, ripped away along with those comforting feelings, confusion and emptiness taking their place, eyes trying to blink away the swimming feeling in his head that was part vertigo from his migraine and part euphoria from being so dangerously close to John _Fucking_ Shepard.

"You okay?" John asked, guiding him to sit back down on the bed, hands now frustratingly loose on his biceps.

"Still a little dizzy from the migraine, but I'll be fine."

"What can I do to help?"

"I just need a minute. It'll pass."

John nodded his understanding, crouching down in front of him as he wrung his hands, eyes full of, well if Kaidan had to guess he would've said worry. Not just concern but full blown worry. Deeper than anything anyone, aside from his mother, ever gave him. And for a moment, he forgot all about Jane, about everyone and everything; there was only John, he only ever wanted there to be John.

Kaidan swallowed hard and took a few calming breaths, gathering his stregth to speak without his voice breaking. "Is this your place?" 

"Anderson's. He should be back soon. I got the bedroom downstairs. It has a small gym you can use if you want. I don't mind," John answered, walking to the door.

Kaidan point to a black bag on the floor by John's feet. "Is that my duffle?"

"Anderson thought we could use all the time we could get, so you'll be staying here with us."

"You two are close?"

John only nodded as he leaned into the threshold of the door. His arms were crossed in front of him, feet crossed at the ankles. He looked almost regal. How could Kaidan have gone the past two and a half years without knowing about this man? How could he have gone the past thirty-four?

"How come you weren't on the Normandy? I'm sure we could've used you."

"You're going to learn a lot of things about me that you'll be wise not to mention to Jane. Not just for my sake, but for yours and the rest of the galaxy....I was offered the Normandy first, but you can't work in the background when you're commanding the most advanced warship in the galaxy. She's Dorothy, I'm the Wizard behind the curtain."

"Does that make me Toto?"

"I was thinking the Tin Man," John said with a wink. Kaidan thought it was a wink, hoped maybe, but he was sure it was just the lighting playing tricks on him. "I'll meet you downstairs."

_Tin Man? Does he think I lack heart? I think I'm the lion, no courage._

Kaidan nodded and watched as he disappeared down the stairs. John looked back before he was completely out of view and hollered, "Before you ask, I'm the Scarecrow. I have no brain, but you'll figure that one out soon enough, KC."

"KC? That's a new one."

He walked over to his bag and got his shaving kit before heading to the bathroom. It was bigger and more private than the ones at the barracks so he wasn't going to complain. He peeked into the shower and had to shake the image of him and John naked together under running water.

Now, he was really going crazy. Maybe he was over Jane. Or maybe it was the family resemblance that he was attracted to. Either way, he needed to get his shit together if he was going to infiltrate the Normandy under the guise of still being in love with her. His mind was just playing tricks on him. Had to be.

After Horizon, his brain was just trying to help him move on. John was beautiful. There was no denying that. So he was going to try another tactic. He was going to admit it to himself that he was attracted to him, and then he was going to be able to move on, move back to Jane. She was beautiful, too. It was just a crush, nothing that wouldn't go away on its own, he hoped.

********

Dinner was quiet. Neither talked much other than about the food or wine they were consuming. It was nice, peaceful, just the kind of atmosphere Kaidan could get used to. Most importantly, it was comfortable. Jane always had to be talking during meals. He was starting to think that maybe it was because she couldn't stand the awkward silences between them. There was nothing awkward about this dinner.

"You don't have to pretend you don't want a third helping. I made triple so there would be enough for Anderson when we finished," John assured him.

"It's the biotic metabolism. I'm used to being hungry."

"I'm familiar," he snickered as blue light flashed over him.

"You're a biotic? Jane's not...I should probably stop being surprised about your differences."

"She never got the second exposure. Lucky me."

"And here I thought you were planning on feeding the troops. This is delicious, John. It'd do a lot to raise morale if they served something like this for rations."

"I guess I missed my calling," he quipped with a hidden smile from behind his wineglass. Kaidan didn't need to see his lips to know it was a smile, those sparkling blue eyes were a dead giveaway.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that, John," said Anderson from the doorway as he entered the apartment. "You are technically the First Human Spectre."

"Don't tell my sister that!" John said to Kaidan.

"Yeah, don't tell Jane that," Anderson added. "You're going to make me fat, John," he chuckled as he fixed himself a plate. "I take it everything is going smoothly here?"

"How long was I out?" Kaidan asked.

"About thirteen hours," John answered. "You had us worried there. The doc said it was probably from dehydration from your trip combined with your migraine meds."

"Are you sure it's okay for me to stay here, Councilor?"

"It's fine, son. You two need a crash course in each other and this seemed like the best option. I have to admit, I appreciate the company. And if you're going to stay in my house, the least you could do is call me Anderson."

"Absolutely, sir...I mean Anderson."

"Kaidan, you're doing the dishes. I'm going to grab a quick shower and then we can go over the plan details," John instructed as he rose from the table. Kaidan and Anderson nodded at his orders. He was just as charismatic as Jane. It wasn't just that people had to follow their orders, they wanted to as well.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Anderson asked after John left the room.

"No, but I don't seem to have a choice here. I do want to make sure she's safe, and at least I won't be alone. I can trust him, right?"

"I trust him with my life, but that doesn't mean you should. He's a good man, but you'll have to figure that out on your own. It's the only way for it to be genuine. And that's the only way to prove it to her."

"How are we supposed to do that in three days?"

"Team building exercises."

Kaidan let out a soft sigh and headed for the kitchen. Anderson moved to the island so he could tell him where everything went. After he was finished eating, Anderson went upstairs to change. He told Kaidan to make himself comfortable until they returned.

Kaidan decided to have a look around. He went into the office, explored the fancy drinks Anderson had behind the bar, examined the view, pressed a few keys on the piano, and slowly made his way to John's room to "check out the gym", so he told himself.

Checking out the gym turned into checking out John when he came in the room with nothing but a white synthetic cotton towel wrapped around his waist, water droplets still rolling over rippling muscles and down his tanned skin. And for a moment, Kaidan wished he was one of them—slowly cascading over his hard pecks and through the seams of his abs—or maybe just that his tongue was.

Kaidan was doing chin-ups and trying not to watch him out of the corner of his eye. It was a difficult task, one which he wasn't successful at. He saw a muddled scar that ran down one side of John's back and disappeared into the towel. It looked like it was from a burn of some sort. He didn't think it was appropriate to ask. He'll probably have a lot of those soon enough when he gets finished burning in hell for wanting to bang his girlfriend's brother.

John didn't appear to notice him staring, or if he did, he didn't show it. He quickly put on his clothes before either of them spoke. Another tight t-shirt and jeans. Kaidan caught himself wishing he was one of those as well. John had shaved too and Kaidan wondered what the smooth skin of his cheeks would feel like against his lips.

"You're bathroom is the only one with a shower. Hope you didn't mind me going in there without permission," John said quietly.

If Kaidan didn't know better, he would've thought it was an apology. Wait, he did know better, and it was. Why was he so polite? Jane was rude, she wouldn't have asked or apologized. Plus, she would've went through all your shit as well. Maybe they were separated at birth?

He knew Jane survived Mindoir. That meant John did, too. They must've been separated after that. Sixteen was hardly birth, though, only two years before joining the Alliance. It didn't really make much sense, but until he had more intel, that was the story he was going with.

"Not a problem. I, uh, kind of invaded your space without a heads up," Kaidan admitted.

"True, but I already told you you could use the gym. I, on the other hand, just kind of barged in there."

"It's no problem, really."

"Okay," John said with a chuckle. It was the first time Kaidan heard him laugh, and even though it was low and quiet, he was pretty sure that it was more beautiful than anything Mozart had ever written, music to his ears. A symphony, a melody, that ended far too soon. He had to find a way to get John to play it on repeat, because it was the only song he ever wanted to hear again.

They locked eyes for a moment. John's blues sent a tingling down his spine, and he had to use every ounce of strength he could manage not to shiver. His stomach was doing cartwheels, his breath was shallowing, his palms were sweaty, his cheeks were flushed. He just hoped that John would blame whatever he saw on his face on the chin-ups.

"I'll be in the bar," John said.

"I'm on your six," Kaidan said after clearing his throat. And oh spirits, how he wanted to be on his six! 

_This cannot end well. You, Kaidan Alenko, are an idiot! Although....they do say love makes you do crazy things. You did not just, did you? The L word? Really? You're in so much trouble...._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you soooo much for the likes and follows! You don't even know how encouraging they are!
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter. It wasn't as intense as the first, but I think that's because they were just starting to feel each other out, sadly not literally so. I'll make it up to you next chapter.


	3. Suffocate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan bond on a simulated battlefield.

_In the dark we can lose our sleep_  
_We can both be kind_  
_'Cause I don't need the pulling apart of sheets_  
_Just to know who you are_  
**_-English Town, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

The next day, John and Kaidan were snuck into an Alliance training facility. They ran combat drills for hours in an attempt to feel the other out. They were both soldiers and Anderson thought the best way for them to get to know each other was to fight along side one another.

It made sense. Even if he would've liked to deny it, Kaidan was the most comfortable, the most himself, when he was battling enemies with bullets and biotics, and from the looks of it, John was too. It was fun, two guys hanging out and joking around. They might as well have been playing laser tag on shore leave.

And then there was the battlefield flirting...or maybe it was just flirting...

All in all, they made a pretty good team. By the end of the day, they were able to read each other's body language pretty well. They had a sense of the other's style and had a fairly decent spacial awareness of the other: where they were on the battlefield without looking, if they needed suppressive fire or an overload.

Kaidan was right about his shot being better than Jane's. She was good, but he never missed. He was still apprehensive about the whole mission but knew he never wanted to be on the wrong side of John's gun. He trusted the man to have his back on the battlefield and tried his best not to think about him having it in bed. At the moment, he was loosing that fight.

"One more," John said panting after their last scheduled round. He had taken off his helmet and Kaidan watched as a small bead of sweat ran down from his brow to his chin where it lingered for an eternity. Kaidan was hypnotized, entranced, by that small shiny droplet of hydrogen, oxygen, and sodium chloride that clung to his skin for dear life.

Everything got caught in this man's gravity.

John tilted his head back to swig some water and Kaidan watched the same droplet roll down his neck and over his Adam's apple as it bobbed with each swallow only to disappointedly disappear into his armor.

He would have paid anything to have had a chance to taste it, to taste him. To have captured that salty drop with the tip of his tongue before it could go any further. Then to have traced the path it took back up to John's brow as they ripped off each other's armor to get to the sweat underneath.

And now he was staring...

_Fuck! How is he so fucking gorgeous?!_

Kaidan's armor was starting to become unbearably tight EVERYWHERE! His skin was burning from more than just the exertion of the war games. His suit was working hard as it tried to regulate his body temperature. His breath kept getting caught in his throat, and that fluttering thing happening in his chest refused to yield.

The whole thing was beginning to annoy him. He wasn't a teenaged boy anymore. He was a grown man for Spirits sake! One who had complete control of his primitive urges. _Almost complete control,_ he corrected himself as he shifted uncomfortable in his armor.

John gave him a crooked, twisty smile that he couldn't quite read.

_Absolutely no goddamn control...fuck!_

"One more, yeah?" John asked again when Kaidan didn't respond. John handed him the bottle he was drinking from—pulling the older man out of his thoughts—and reached for his helmet.

Kaidan nodded before taking a drink himself. He would have agreed to anything the man said in that moment, and probably out of it. Taking a deep breath, he watched John whisper something to Anderson before putting his helmet back on and snapping it into place. He threw down the water bottle and did the same with his.

"We're doing something different this time. Something N7-ish. You okay with that?" John asked after he had walked back to Kaidan and their pile of gear.

"Whatever you got," Kaidan answered with a slight nod of his head. He could've been an N, but he didn't clear the physical because of his migraines.

"The jungle was our worst time today at three minutes, five seconds. We're running it again. And this time, we'll clear it in less than two minutes fourteen seconds."

"Why two fourteen?"

"Because that's when our air will run out. Technically, it'll be at two minutes, but we should be good for at least another fourteen seconds after that. That'll beat our record for the day as well as the course record."

Kaidan couldn't think for a moment. He'd never run a drill before knowing he would run out of air. During training, they would run drills under water or in a vacuum but those were all about finding or getting to the air supply not having to take out hostiles knowing there wasn't going to be one until he was finished.

"We got this!" John said as he bumped their helmets together. "Two fourteen!"

They went to the starting block and Kaidan began to breath heavily. A little of it was due to the thought of running out of air, even though he knew all he would have to do was take off his helmet and he'd be fine. The rest was because he had no faith that they could clear the stage that fast even with air, and he was acutely aware that the Councilor to all of Humanity would be watching him.

"You might want to save some of that oxygen for later, Alenko. Trust me, we got this," John assured him with a friendly thump on his back.

"On your mark," instructed a synthetic voice from above.

"Timeout," John said, making a 'T' with his hands. He grabbed Kaidan on the sides of his armored shoulders and turned him so they were facing each other. "Hey, look at me!" he said as he tried to get Kaidan's attention. Kaidan almost didn't hear him over his own breathing.

"You're the Tin Man not the Lion. Kaidan, look at me!"

It took him a minute or two but Kaidan finally settled down enough to look at him.

"Oh, hey! Look at those beautiful brown eyes," John said with a warm smile.

Kaidan was too nervous to smile back, but his eyes were now a hundred and ten percent focused on the most beautiful shade of blue he'd ever seen. When he realized John's hands were on him, his knees nearly buckled. That's when he figured out the nerves were more about trying to impress him than running out of air.

What if he passed out again? He'd feel like a complete idiot. Someone who was too incompetent to fight along side an N, along side the real First Human Spectre. And certainly someone who was not suitable to train along side John Shepard, the sole survivor of Akuze as he recently found out.

He couldn't understand how this man could make him so on edge and so calm at the same time. Or why Jane never made him feel either. He didn't have the consuming desire to impress her in that way, but he wanted to show, needed to show, John everything he was, all that he could do, what he could be. He had this overwhelming urge to prove he was worthy to stand by his side, and that compulsion wasn't restricted to the battlefield.

That thought left him feeling guilty. _Siblings? Seriously?_ He was a pathetic excuse for a man. He wasn't satisfied with Jane so he runs off to her brother? That was not exactly the truth, but it felt like it was. Like he was cheating even though John was only touching his shoulders to talk some sense into a comrade.

Maybe he was being too hard on himself. He was under a boatload of stress. John was just a nice guy that he was running an op with and currently training with, living with, showering with. Not the shower part, that was just a dream. _Get your shit together Alenko, or you're going to die here today! Maybe you should..._

"Two minutes of air is plenty. One hundred and thirty-four seconds is our goal. We can do this in our sleep. Then we'll hit the showers and make Anderson buy us some steak and beers. Sound good?" John asked.

Okay, so he was right about the showers.

"Yeah, I'm ready," Kaidan finally answered.

"Just a few deep breaths. Try not to get too worked up. You don't want to be gasping for air, because you'll have a helluva time when the regulators shut off. Just stay calm and steady, and kick some compute generated ass!"

Kaidan nodded and Shepard gave the go ahead to the VI. The lights dimmed, the count down began, and then a low tone sounded signaling the first set of troops. The irony that the holograms were Cerberus wasn't lost on him.

In the first round, John practically took down all eight targets singlehandedly. Kaidan watched in awe as he danced in and out of cover, popping heat sinks left and right, every shot making contact. It had been a long day but he looked like he was reinvigorated by this drill. He did have an unfair advantage in that he had probably ran thousands like it during N school.

He lifted the last two with his biotics and smirked at Kaidan. That was his cue to take over. He obliged getting the kill shots quickly as the enemy floated overhead. The first mech appeared shortly after which was easily taken out by flanking assaults, alternating ammo with tech biotics.

The second round began and John shot a target over Kaidan's shoulder that was creeping up, hitting it right between the eyes. Trusting this man with his life: check. If he took a shot like that in practice, most likely he'd do it in actual combat. Kaidan returned the favor almost instantly, and was rewarded with a small nod from John.

For a brief moment, Kaidan thought they were going to make it, but then they hit the ninety second mark.

He could tell immediately that his regulator shut off. It was way too soon! They were supposed to have two minutes of air, not a minute thirty. They still had another round and two mechs to go with forty-six seconds to the designated time. There was no way they were going to make it, not now.

"My O2 shut off!" Kaidan yelled in panic.

"Just keep moving," John ordered.

"We were supposed to have more air!"

"Stop wasting it!"

That was the last thing that was spoken. All communication that followed was nonverbal.

After the initial shock wore off, Kaidan's focus became more clear. He could see the enemy better, his shots were all on target, and everything seemed to move in slow motion. His senses were in overdrive, the overflow of adrenaline further fine-tuning his impeccably sharp precision.

Second mech down, one round to go. Less than thirty seconds left and it was his turn to take charge. John took out the first two, but Kaidan inflicted the kill shots on the next three. Then one, two, three hostiles off a ledge with one throw. He swore he could hear John smiling at that.

Two minutes, five seconds. All that remained now was a mech. He emptied his last clip into the hulking machine slinking back into cover just in time to watch a rocket that was destined for his head make contact with the wall behind him. One last overload from each of them and it burst into nothingness.

Two minutes, twelve seconds, and he was barely winded.

They both ripped off their helmets so they could breath again. John ran over to him to in celebration, a huge grin plastered on his face. Their armor clanked on impact, and the force sent Kaidan stumbling backwards. They were tangled together, his arms over John's shoulders, John's around his waist, and when he tripped, John came tumbling down on top of him. They landed with a thud as the lights to the simulator cycled off.

Adrenaline and lust filled him with courage. Without thinking, purely on instinct, _mostly_ , Kaidan grabbed him by the back of the head and pulled him down and onto his lips. Both of their chests were heaving and the kiss did nothing to reinflate their lungs.

But in that moment, Kaidan didn't give a damn about breathing. He was willing to suffocate to death for that kiss.

The only things he could think about were John's swollen lips on his, how soft and supple they were, smooth like silk. He wasn't expecting that. And how their tongues were engaged in a rhythmic dance that he didn't know but his tongue seemed to. And how much he wanted to be out of his armor so he could feel the heat from John's body pressed into his to gauge whether or not he was getting just as constricted under the belt as he was.

The way he tasted, like over-sugared coffee and something that was so uniquely him. The way he tilted his head just right so Kaidan could reach deeper into his mouth to map as much of him as he could. The way he smelled, like sweat and musk, military grade soap and their victory. The feel of John's gloved hand on the back of his head pulling him off the ground and deeper into their kiss.

Kissing Rahna had felt like a firecracker went off in his ears, loud but if he blinked he would've missed the whole thing. Jane was more like a sparkler, burning hot, bright, and beautifully but died out abruptly.

Kissing John....well that was like getting hit in the ribs by a shot from an M-920 Cain, incinerating armor and flesh and bone upon contact until it reached deep into his soul and set his whole being ablaze.

He was in trouble.

The kiss was brief; a few seconds at most, but he had no sense of time. He was fairly certain that it had stopped altogether. Maybe it was the whole universe that stopped, he couldn't be sure.

John pulled away when the lights cycled back on. "Sorry, adrenaline," he said sheepishly.

"Yeah, yeah," Kaidan mumbled. He had never been more confused in his life. He was the one that kissed John, right? He pulled him down, he pressed their lips together. Why was John apologizing to him?

"Just the same, we should probably keep this to ourselves. Otherwise my sister might kill us."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled again, too stunned to say anything even slightly coherent. The only thing he could concentrate on were John's lips when he spoke and how much he want to feel them again. He hadn't gotten enough of them. He would never be able to get enough of them.

John hoisted himself off and stretched out his hand to help Kaidan up. He took it and stumbled to his feet. They walked over to Anderson, both sucking in air and wearing stupid grins that Kaidan hoped was due to their impressive time and not the kiss that he would never be able to forget.

That was a lie, he didn't hope that at all.

"A new course record. I'm impressed," Anderson said with a proud smile on his face.

"We'd never let you down, sir," John said with a mock salute. Anderson gave him a look for the 'sir' that made them all laugh.

"You two are probably starving. We have reservations in forty minutes. Go get cleaned up. I'll wait for you outside."

"Aye, sir," John smirked before leading the way to the locker rooms.

Kaidan was expecting it to be more awkward than it was. The silence, the shower, the dressing side by side, the idle chitchat when they were putting on their clothes. But it wasn't, not even a little bit. Strangely, he was able to keep his eyes to himself. That was mostly because he was still lost in that kiss, in John's lips, in paradise.

"Do you two have any other siblings?" Kaidan asked as he toweled his hair. _Why not go for the trifecta,_ he chided himself.

"We had a younger sister, but she died back on Mindoir with our parents."

"Sorry to hear that."

"It was a long time ago," John said stoically.

"How else did you help us with Saren?" he asked trying to change the subject.

"Basically, I did the missions she would've had to do if she wasn't chasing him, diffused a tense situation in a biotic commune, took out rouge VI's on Luna, arrested a few drug dealers and slave traders. I did kill Saren's second-in-command and rescued her daughter from his minions on Therum, but you already knew that. I was the one that overrode your docking hold after Anderson punched Udina in the face. I kinda wished I could've done that," he chuckled.

"You're not alone in that," Kaidan agreed. That laugh was intoxicating, combined with the haziness from the kiss, and he was drunk on John Shepard.

"Simple stuff, you know."

"None of it sounded simple to me."

John smirked. "I was there when the attack started. I ushered the Council to the Destine Ascension and cleared the control towers. I couldn't get to the central chambers, though. I had to settle for saving as many civilians as I could while you guys had all the fun. I got to watch the sucker get ripped apart, so that was good!"

"Yeah, all we saw was shrapnel being hurled towards us."

"Any scars?" John asked, quirking up an eyebrow.

"Just one but you can't really see it."

"Oh come on!" John rolled up his sleeve and pointed to a small round scar on his forearm. "Bullet from one of his Krogan minions."

"Scar for a scar? Alright," he huffed. He reached down and pulled up his pant leg. He pointed to a faint line on his shin. "Shrapnel." John nodded as he squinted to study it, Kaidan studying him.

"I don't know about you, K, but all this talk of mutilated flesh has me famished. I'm pretty sure I could eat a whole cow tonight," John quipped.

"A synthetic one, most likely."

"Hell no! We're having dinner with an Councilor, it'll be the genuine article. That is, if he hasn't left us yet. We should move out."

John rose from the bench and stretched his back. He picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. Kaidan was still seated pulling on his boots when John paused in front of him. They looked at each other for a moment, and it was better than fireworks, warm and intense and it tied Kaidan's stomach in knots.

He knew he had to be reading into it, the gaze, the moment, the possibility of requited feelings, but at the same time, no one had ever looked at him like that before. And once again, all Kaidan could think about were those velvet lips that he desperately needed another taste of. Like an addict, he was hooked, ruined for anything or anyone else.

The N7 reached down and swiped away a lone strand of jet black hair that was glued to Kaidan's forehead. Their gauntlets were off now and Kaidan could feel the warmth of his finger as the pad caressed his face. He was incapable of hiding the shiver that ran down his spine at his touch or the hitch in his breath that left him more breathless than he'd been all day.

John was right about his pokerface, Kaidan couldn't read a thing in those blue eyes. All too quickly, they were gone, shuffling down the hall with that chiseled jaw and those sculpted shoulders before vanishing around a corner.

Yeah, he was beyond trouble.

*********

Kaidan had a hard time getting to sleep that night. His stomach was full of good food, the best steak he'd had in a decade, he spent all day training and using biotics which usually knocked him out at the end of the day, and he was in the most comfortable bed he had slept in in years. But he still had the high from the kiss pumping through his veins threatening to chase away all hope of restful slumber.

Part of it was from the thrill of the victory, of breaking a record, of being deprived of oxygen and fighting through it. He proved to himself that he could have kept up with N training. That revelation only made him more frustrated at not getting into the program. He was angry all over again at his L2 for that, for holding him back.

But those were in the back of his mind, John's lips were at the forefront. The kiss, the way his tongue slid gracefully over John's, the way their hands were pulling the other deeper and harder together. How John's lips seemed to fit perfectly between his. All the reasons why he shouldn't want to do it again but absolutely did.

He knew that John was sleeping right under him—was he up too?—and that there was only a bed and a floor and ten feet between them. That was way too much; there might as well have been an ocean between them. Or perhaps there should have been.

What would Jane do if she knew what they did? She was crazy, sure, but she could be reasonable if you caught her on a good day. However, making out with your girlfriend's sibling seemed to be beyond the scope of reasonable. Was she still his girlfriend? The answer to that didn't matter, he'd already sent the message asking to reconcile.

Even if it was just an act for their cover, he couldn't hurt her like that, by cheating on her with her brother. He wasn't a cheater, never had been, never would be. What happened earlier was a heat of the moment mistake. It wouldn't be happening again. He was certain John would feel the same way about that.

Anderson was right, John was a good guy. Good guys made mistakes, but they learned from them. Kaidan was a good guy too. And what did he learn today? That he was hopelessly in love with his girlfriend's brother....


	4. Linger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan comforts John before they both meet Jane. John and Jane have a rocky reunion.

_I'm here for the hard times_  
_The straight to your heart times_  
_When livin' ain't easy_  
_You can stand up against me_  
_And baby rely on me_  
_And cry on me, yeah_  
**_-Hand Me Down, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

The next two days were spent hanging out around Anderson's apartment getting to know each other. John would cook great food, Kaidan would watch for pointers. They would workout, watch movies, drink hundred credit bourbon, quiz each other on arbitrary facts about the other, things that weren't too personal, but a few that were.

Neither brought up the kiss. Kaidan was glad for that. It was easier to pretend that it didn't happen that way. He tried to pretend that it was just a dream. He was still debating whether his actual dreams on the matter were helping or hindering the whole thing. The two of them in his shower, on a battlefield somewhere, on the island in the kitchen.

They were definitely a hindrance.

He hadn't had a wet dream since he was a teenager. Since their kiss in the battle simulator, he'd had a few. He was not looking forward to sleeping on the Normandy, either in the crew quarters or with Jane. What if he said something in his sleep? That would be worse than awkward.

What if, strictly for their cover, he was forced to sleep with Jane? He would be thinking about John. He would absolutely be thinking of him and their kiss, the hard lines of his body, the way he looked in that towel, how his lips would feel on his skin along with those hands with their nimble fingers. Spirits, those fingers!

He would scream John's name when he climaxed....

And then Jane would space him.

How did this man have so much power over him? He couldn't figure out how or why John affected him so much. Was it because it was forbidden? Because he knew he couldn't have him? Because he was still angry with Jane and needed revenge? Or was it just because he was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen?

Maybe it had nothing to do with Jane at all. Before he knew he was Jane's brother, he was drooling over him. When he was in Anderson's office, he couldn't keep his eyes off the man; he didn't want too. Before he woke John, when he was sleeping in that chair, he couldn't stand not knowing who he was.

Now, he kind of wished that he didn't know his name, his last name anyway.

"That's some deep shit you're thinking about there, Alenko," John said as they were cleaning up after breakfast.

"Hmm? Oh, sorry. I have to meet her in two hours. What if she doesn't go for it?" Kaidan asked with a sigh.

"She will. We've practiced exactly what you're going to say. We picked a great place for you to do it. We've gone over how the meet between us was going to go. We made sure to cover all our bases like with any other op. No need to worry so much," John told him calmly.

"What if I fuck it up? What if she catches on and kicks my ass?"

"Then, I'll laugh," John chuckled. Kaidan gave him a fake scowl. John turned to him and put his hands on the top of his shoulders. Kaidan got goosebumps at his touch. Every damn time. "Hey, we've got this, yeah?"

Kaidan sighed and looked away.

"Look at me!" John ordered with a playful shake.

Kaidan obeyed and couldn't help but smile back at those gorgeous blue eyes that were twinkling just for him.

"If she tries to kill you, I'll save you. Then we'll have to go to plan B."

"What's plan B?"

"Turning Garrus."

"Do you think we could do that?"

"I don't know. That's why it's plan B. Garrus is a friend of mine. He's Jane's best friend, but he does owe me a few favors. We had some fun on Omega a while back and I saved his ass a few times. But that's our backup plan. Even if she doesn't go along with letting me join her, at least you'll be there. Or maybe the other way around."

Kaidan gripped John's biceps, and he could have sworn he felt the man shiver. Although, it may've been his imagination. He nodded, "Yeah...yeah, we got this."

John dropped his hands and started to fiddle with the dishwasher. Oddly, Kaidan was going to miss that: domesticity. Watching him make breakfast, lounging next to him on the couch, sipping coffee with him on the balcony, him smiling from behind his wineglass after one of them told a stupid joke. Three days was hardly enough time with him. He was starting to think that a lifetime wouldn't even be enough.

"I have to know one thing," Kaidan interrupted. John straightened up and leaned his hip into the counter. He crossed his arms, furrowed his brow, and pursed his lips as if he was deep in thought about what the question could be. _You are so fucking sexy!_

"Let's have it," John finally said.

"The scar...if you don't want to talk—"

"Akuze," he said with a sigh.

"You don't have—"

"The thresher maw hit me first. About five of us were out of our armor. We were rotating out at our campsite to freshen up. The next thing I know, the ground is shaking and then my back is on fire. They used up most of the medi-gel on me. We didn't know it was going to come back, but it did and we couldn't treat anyone else. It didn't matter anyway. We had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I still don't know how I got out alive. I got my pickup the next day and everyone else was gone. There were body parts and blood all over the place, acid scorches everywhere...I can still hear them screaming...."

That's what Kaidan had thought had happened, but he didn't want to presume. He probably shouldn't have asked. He wouldn't have if he had known John was going to look like that after he did: pale, helpless, consumed with guilt.

"Hey, I didn't mean.....I shouldn't have, I'm sorry," Kaidan apologized.

John was looking passed him or maybe through him. He was completely lost in the memory until Kaidan touched his arm again, his thumb softly caressing his skin. John looked at him and gave him a small, forced smile.

"You're a good friend, Kaidan."

"Good friend, bad boyfriend."

"Hey, don't talk like that. Everyone knows you did your best with Jane. She's, gods, she's so fucking difficult! What the hell were you thinking?!"

"I don't know," Kaidan chuckled.

"I think I'd rather date a Krogan. Maybe _you_ should be the Scarecrow."

"She wasn't that bad!" he said defensively.

"Oh yeah? She...fucking died on me," John whispered. He closed his eyes tight and clenched his jaw.

Kaidan didn't think, he just reacted. He wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. Both hands slid around to his back locking them in place, the combination of aftershave, syrup, and fried, cured meat weaving its way into his nose. _You smell so fucking delicious!_

John's hands fisted into the navy blue fabric on Kaidan's hips, his face buried into the crook of his neck, half on his shirt, half on his skin. John let out a strange muffled sound that was somewhere in between a sob and a grunt, the vibrations reverberating into both of their chests. It tickled but Kaidan resisted a laugh. It wouldn't have been appropriate, and he didn't want to chance having to let him go.

Their heads were pressed together, Kaidan unconsciously leaning into him as much as he could. He willed himself not to lose his mind at the feel of John's body separated from his by only millimeters and a few layers of clothing. It was difficult; he wanted to be so much closer.

He hadn't even considered what Jane's death did to John until that moment. They were twins, his only living relative, his only family. If John felt the same way about him, his shame and confusion must have been exponentially worse. The idea of John suffering like that for him, of being the cause of that much pain, made him pull him in tighter.

The tortured guilt, the feelings of betrayal, the yearning for something that felt so right knowing it was so wrong. Maintaining that level of denial and self-sacrifice made Kaidan feel like he was fighting against the tide, fighting something so powerful that he would soon be crushed under the weight of it. He couldn't even imagine how John felt.

That is, if the feeling was mutual. He was certain it wasn't. That was his own wishful thinking.

"Sorry," John mumbled when he pulled away.

"That's what friends are for, right? You just said I was a good one."

"I meant it....This whole thing is so frustrating!" John bemoaned.

Kaidan only nodded. Was he just talking about Jane and the op?

"And now she's with Cerberus? She's...I don't know what we're walking into here," John said, shaking his head defeatedly, his hands still clinging tightly to Kaidan's hips.

"You're not going in there alone," Kaidan assured him, his own hands lingering on John's shoulders. It felt good, it felt right, standing this close to him, being so connected, so focused on each other. How was he supposed to give this up? How was he supposed to go back to who he was before all this, before they met, before their kiss?

"I know, I just—"

"Have a little faith, Wizard. Or are you the Scarecrow? I get confused."

"Sometimes both, but mostly the Scarecrow. No brain, remember?"

Kaidan rolled his eyes teasingly at him. "Either way, we're gonna be fine, I promise."

"You can't promise that!"

"I just did!"

"Alright KC, you win."

"I prefer the Tin Man."

"Noted," John smirked.

"I should probably get going," Kaidan reluctantly shrugged.

John must have realized that his hands were still twisted in Kaidan's fatigues because he jerked them away quickly and took a half-step back. "Jane hates waiting," he added.

"And I don't want to be late."

Honestly, he couldn't be alone with John for a second longer without being able to kiss him. He couldn't trust himself anymore. The lingering hands after the hug were already over the line. He had to get the hell out of there immediately or he seriously would have taken him right then and there on the kitchen floor without a second thought.

"Good luck, and I'll see you soon," John said.

Kaidan smiled weakly. He grabbed his duffle and headed out. He was going to be ninety minutes early, but he needed time to clear his head and get centered. He berated himself all the way to the rendezvous point for asking about John's scars. He couldn't even imagine the kind of survivor's guilt he had locked away inside him. All he wanted to do was take it away from him.

He dealt with losing Jane, Jenkins, Ash. He knew what it felt like to survive when others didn't. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the haunted memories. But to be the only one out of fifty that walked away from certain death, then to lose your only family, that was more than he could've handled. He didn't know how John managed to keep it together.

He wanted to comfort him again, to pull him close, hold him all night, and tell him that it was okay, that everything was okay. But maybe that was more for his sake than John's. An excuse to touch him, to breath him in, to feel the warmth of his embrace. To be his strengthen when he had none.

This wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to feel this way. Not about someone who was still practically a stranger. Someone he'd only known three and a half days. It was too soon to be in so deep, especially with someone that could have been his brother-in-law if things hadn't gotten so screwed up by the damn Collectors.

Perhaps Jane's death was a blessing in disguise. He hated thinking like that, but what if it was fate's way of stopping him from making a mistake and ending up with the wrong person? Maybe that's why he hesitated on Horizon, shot her down, because it was time for him to meet John.

_Okay, now you're just making shit up._

Then there was the whole 'she may not even be the real Jane Shepard.' She may be a Cerberus puppet, or worse. After all, that was one of the reasons he was given this assignment, because no one knew if it was really her.

It didn't matter, he knew now that he didn't love her. He thought he did, but he was wrong. John showed him that. Even if the man didn't feel the same way about him, he would be forever grateful to him for showing him the truth. Kaidan could live with that. They could stay friends if John didn't want more.

But what if he did?

He couldn't get John's lingering hands out of his mind. He could still feel them there tangled in his clothes, clinging to him for comfort, and maybe, maybe, because John just wanted to touch him too. John had kissed him back, pulled him in deeper. He didn't have to, he could've pulled away, but he didn't.

Maybe he should go back. Yeah, he had to go back, had to tell John the truth, that he loved him and wanted him, all of him, scars and all, everything he had. _Wait, love? That...sounds right._ He stood up from the bench overlooking the Presidium and turned around to leave.

"Kaidan," said a soft voice, two bright green eyes staring back at him.

"Jane."

*********

All things considered, the meeting between them went well. Jane had brought along Garrus and her leash, some Cerberus representative named Miranda. He explained himself, his frustrations, and apologized. She took it surprisingly well.

Then, she said she needed a few minutes alone with him dismissing the other two. They sat down on the bench and talked for awhile. At first, he was pretty sure he was going to die. His guilt had to be written on his face.

"Are you sure about this? It could derail your career like it will mine," she asked.

"No....yes. Yes, I'm sure. I've taken a leave of absence, and as long as I stay in the background, I should be fine," he assure her.

"I don't know about this Kaidan. I don't want to drag you into my mess."

"Do you not want me to go with you?"

"No, Kaidan, it's not that. I don't want you throwing away your career for me. I know how much it means to you."

"Hey, if you don't want to be with me, that's fine. We don't have to get back together. Either way, we can take our time, but I believe in you and what you are doing and I want to help. I know what if feels like to need help and not get it."

"'We' are part of the reason, but that's not my only concern here," she explained.

"We weren't together long, and I don't regret a thing, but that's not what this is about. I want to help you, and I _can_ help you. So let me!"

"I'll need to consult with Miranda, but okay," she agreed hesitantly. "I just don't want it to be weird between us. Do you want to be with me?"

"I don't know what I want. What do you want?"

"I don't know."

"Look Jane, it's complicated. I get that. But we don't have to decide that right now. I don't want you to feel obligated to make things work if that's not what you want, especially after what happened on Horizon. So, let's just see how things go."

They talked for a little while longer before rejoining the others. Miranda was a hard sale. Kaidan had a feeling they were not going to get along well. But in the end, she reluctantly agreed to allow him onboard with a little coaxing from Garrus and a very convincing Jane.

Phase one was complete. Kaidan didn't have a lot of faith in phase two. Especially considering what he knew about John and Jane's relationship, but he followed the plan anyway. He didn't want to do this without John.

After a few hours of running errands, all four of them headed to the docking bay. A very covert John popped out of a random crowd and strategically bumped into Kaidan. It was a little more forceful then they had practiced; John nearly knocked him on his ass.

"I'm so sorry," John apologized.

"John?" Kaidan said with his best fake surprised grin. "What are—how's it going?"

"Hey, Kaidan! What's up? Oh my god! Garrus? I thought you were on Omega?" John completely ignored his sister.

"Got a better gig," quipped the Turian, motioning to Jane.

"You guys _know_ each other?" Jane interrupted.

"Damn Janie, I was hoping the rumors weren't true and you were still dead," John deadpanned.

"Why, so you could stay in the spotlight?"

"Everyone knows we both couldn't fit. I see Cerberus has been feeding you _very_ well."

"Being dead for two years does wonders for a girl's figure."

"I wouldn't know about that. I do know that if I had gotten my ship and most of my crew blown up, I would have had the decency to stay dead!"

"You fucking bastard!" she howled as she slapped him across the face.

"Traitorous bitch!" he bit back as he rubbed his cheek.

They hurled daggers at each other with their eyes, and for a second, Kaidan thought they were about to pull out their guns and fight to the death. The others stood there in misbelief at what they had just witnessed. In hindsight, Horizon wasn't so bad after all.

There was a long pause before Jane spoke again, "Come with me."

"You're kidding, right? Cerberus? Didn't expect the rumors to be true," he said stretching out his jaw. "Nice armor, how many aliens did they have to screw over to be able to afford that? Seriously, Garrus? What the hell man?"

"Excuse use," Jane said as she pulled John off to the side and away from the group.

John didn't mention anything about insults. Kaidan was completely thrown. It must have been their way of coping because he could see the pain in John's eyes. He thought he understood how he felt after breakfast, but it was worse than he realized.

He engaged in idle chitchat with Garrus and Miranda to keep his mind off of things. It was mostly with Garrus and tales of him and John from Omega. Miranda seemed to be preoccupied with other things.

That was going to be a problem. Mostly for him because he couldn't hit a woman, but that didn't keep him from thinking about it every time her eyes roamed over John's perfect form. Or when she mentioned how _perfect_ she was. He was just Kaidan, flawed. John probably wanted perfect, deserved it anyway.

Garrus had been filling in Kaidan on the mission—who only heard about half of what he said—when the twins returned to the group. He had been too busy keeping an eye on Miranda. He didn't know what John's preferences were, but he hoped to the Spirits that he wouldn't be interested in her.

"Anyone have a problem with two Shepard's onboard?" asked Jane.

"Two Shepard's on the Normandy? Why didn't I think of it sooner? The Collector's won't know what hit them," Miranda replied. She didn't need to be talked into letting John tag along. Kaidan had to keep his eyes from rolling out of his skull from her predictability.

"I don't know whether or not I should kiss you or punch you for bringing my sister back to life," John said to her.

"Why can't it be both," Miranda quipped with a flirty smile that made Kaidan fume.

"You got me there!" John replied with a wink.

Kaidan had to bite his tongue to keep from yelling something inappropriate, something that would have blown their cover. He was shocked by his jealousy, by his possessiveness. He wanted to tell Miranda to 'back the fuck off'. That would have been a terrible thing to do. Instead, he bit his tongue so hard he drew blood.

"How do you know Kaidan and Garrus?" Jane asked skeptically.

"The galaxy got a lot smaller when you died," John simply explained. "I want to see the Krogan."

"Let's get you situated first, John, then I'll introduce you to the crew," Miranda said as she took John's arm and led him ahead of the group.

 _It's just a cover,_ Kaidan kept telling himself.

"We picked up two biotics in one trip. Not bad for two hours on the Citadel. Where to next?" asked Garrus.

"Illium." Jane said. "If that's okay with Johnny."

"Your ship, Janie. Just here for the ride...mostly."


	5. No That It Mattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has problems....that Jack may have the answers to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from John's pov. Before I wrote it, I envisioned him as being a lot more simple and reserved. However, this chapter kinda had a mind of its own and John decided that he was a bit more complex than that, a little more daring than I thought. 
> 
> And maybe a little more stupid, too.

_I'm starting to want you_  
_More than I want to_  
_This ain't my finest hour_  
**_-Like Sugar, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

When John first woke up, he was confused. He was in a large room with several bunks surrounding him. There was a faint hum in his ears and low voices having a conversation that he couldn't quite make out at the other end of the room. He laid still for a minute, staring up at the blank metal ceiling two feet from his head. _The Normandy._

He saw movement out of his periphery, but he ignored it. He didn't want to look round just yet. Instead, he closed his eyes again. It was his fifth night on the Normandy and he wasn't used to waking up in a bunk. He hadn't slept in barracks in a few years and the lack of privacy was unnerving. And that was without the prying eye of a terrorist group's AI.

He just needed a few more minutes to himself before he had to get up and be John Shepard.

He still had a foot in the dream he was having, but it was slowly fading from his consciousness, evaporating in front of his eyes. A warm body on his chest, the soft flutter of lips on his neck, strong fingers dancing on his skin. Obsidian hair tickling his chin and the blue pop of biotics sending electric shocks over every single inch of his body. He needed a few more minutes in the illusion.

Kaidan wasn't his. He belonged to Jane, and he was just going to have to fucking live with that.

He opened his eyes again. The movement started up almost immediately, but he had a job to do. He had to keep an eye on his sister, investigate the evil organization he was currently infiltrating, and make sure they didn't do more harm than good. There was no room for the distracting movement in his periphery.

He let out a sigh, swallowed hard, and turned his head toward it anyway.

_I love you._

He forced a weak smile and tried not to stare at Kaidan's bare chest that was peeking out from under the surprisingly soft white sheets. His brown mocha skin stood out like a streak of paint on a blank canvas. His hair was disheveled from a quiet night's sleep, but his eyes were bright and warm. John couldn't help but be pulled into them; he was hopeless caught in their gravity.

_You're so fucking beautiful, Kaidan Chase Alenko! Do you know that? Does she tell you that everyday? 'Cause I would. I will! Everyday!_

His smile grew uncontrollably, no longer forced or weak. He rolled onto his side to face him straight on, but it wasn't enough. He wanted to be right next to him, curled up on his bunk, wrapped in his strong arms, pulled against his hot skin, but Kaidan was too far away. Half the galaxy might as well have been in between them. Or perhaps it should have been.

"Jonathan, Miranda wishes to see you in her cabin," relayed EDI.

"Thanks, EDI. I'll be there in a few minutes," he replied to the ceiling. It was as good of a place as any to address the AI that _was_ the Normandy. He looked back at Kaidan and smirked. "Duty calls," he said as he rolled off his bunk. Kaidan did the same.

They got dressed in silence, both putting on civvies, jeans and t-shirts. They didn't have uniforms yet, not that either one would be caught dead in something with a Cerberus symbol on it. They sat across from each other on opposite bunks and pulled on their boots.

"I'll see you in the mess. Save me some coffee," John grinned.

"I think I can manage that," Kaidan smirked back.

And just like that, John's chest tightened like it did every time Kaidan smiled at him. He should probably see Dr. Chakwas about that. He must have a heart condition or something because soldier's hearts didn't flutter.

He left the crew quarters and hurried to Miranda's cabin. She had spent the last six days flirting with him. He flirted back only for tactical reasons. His heart really wasn't in it, but she was the Illusive Man's second-in-command and a good person to get information out of.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked upon arrival.

"I wanted to inform you that all your clearances have been approved. It took some convincing, but the Illusive Man can see the benefit of having two Commander Shepard's onboard the Normandy. Be sure not to disappoint," she said in a low sultry voice.

His heart didn't flutter. "I wouldn't dream of it. And thank you. Was that all?"

"No, there is something else. We will be docking on Illium in a few hours. Shepard, your sister, said we will have at least one day of shore leave, and I was wondering if you'd care to join me for a drink?"

"You're beautiful, Miranda, but I'm not—"

"Interested?"

"Available. You're gorgeous. It's just that my heart kinda belongs to someone else and it wouldn't be fair to you or to them. I'm sorry." That was less of a lie than it should have been.

"It's perfectly alright. I understand completely. If you change your mind, you know where you can find me."

"I will definitely keep that in mind," he told her. "And I look forward to innocently flirting with you in the future."

"As do I. She's a lucky woman."

"I'll relay the message. See you around," he said as he headed out of her office and into the mess hall.

Kaidan greeted him with a mug of hot coffee, three sugars just the way he liked it. He happily took it. It was too hot to drink right away so he put it on his tray and followed Kaidan to the mess table to eat. Garrus was sitting across from him and one of the engineers was across from Kaidan.

"How are you two settling in?" Garrus asked.

"Miranda asked me out," John blurted out. He might as well get ahead of it. He was familiar with scuttlebutt on small ships. Who knows how out of hand the rumors would've gotten otherwise. Plus, he didn't want Kaidan getting the wrong idea. Not that it mattered.

"What did you tell her?!" asked Kenneth with bright eyes in his thick accent.

"I don't mix business with pleasure, Donnelly," he said matter-of-factly. _Usually._ He took a sip of his coffee and whispered, "Perfect." He exchanged a sly sideways grin with Kaidan— _That was for you, not the coffee._ —before answering Garrus' question. "We're doing fine Garrus. It's still weird. I'm expecting to wake up in restraints any day now so they can torture me, but I'm sure you do too."

"You get used to it."

"Your fears are misguided, Jonathan," said EDI. "There is a much higher probability of you getting captured and tortured by Batarians than to wake up in such a situation on the Normandy."

"Thank you, EDI. That is very comforting," he replied dryly. He heard Kaidan snicker beside him, a playful thigh bumping into his. Naturally, he had to return the favor with a nudge of his own. Camaraderie and all.

"You are welcome," EDI replied.

Everyone turned to eye Jack suspiciously when she huffed at the AI. She had quietly snuck into the mess to grab breakfast. "I wouldn't mind tying you up, boy scout!" she growled with wild eyes.

"You gonna use those belts strapped to your chest?" he grinned innocently.

She didn't answer right away. Instead, she slowly walked up behind him—like a predator stalking its prey—leaned in, and whispered delicately in his ear loud enough for only him to hear, "Something tells me you only like cock." Then she nibbled his ear playfully.

"You're good," he admitted. He couldn't control the flush that spread across his face. It was out of embarrassment, and he hoped Kaidan didn't read into it. Not that it mattered, Kaidan wasn't his.

"Holy hell," mumbled Donnelly.

The mess hall fell silent again when Jane walked in. "We'll be docking in three hours. Garrus, Jack you're with me," she ordered as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

"I'm letting out the Krogan," John said confidently.

Everyone's eyes widened as they waited for her to answer. When she didn't, he took it as the go ahead. He put away his tray, drained the rest of his coffee, and headed to the elevator. He had already pushed the button when Kaidan caught up to him.

"You're not serious?" he asked.

"Completely!" John replied with a cheeky grin.

"He's going to rip you apart. You can't do that! It's, it's crazy! You're going to let a wild Krogan run around on the ship? What if he eats us? It's a stupid idea, John. Really stupid!"

"Scarecrow, remember? I'm not worried, I have excellent backup," he said as he stepped into the elevator.

"John!" Kaidan protested. He stepped in halfway so the door wouldn't close. "No!"

"Yes!" He grabbed Kaidan's wrists and pulled him into the elevator. Kaidan could only stare at him incredulously. His hands moved up to the crook of Kaidan's neck. _I love you,_ he thought again, but he wanted to say it out loud, to scream it. He smiled and was about to say something else when Kaidan beat him to it.

"Yeah, I know. You got this," he said, rolling his eyes.

" _We_ got this!" he corrected. The elevator opened onto the engineering deck and John led the way to the storage area. "I imagine he's going to be cranky when he wakes up. Don't make any sudden moves and don't approach him unless I'm dead."

"How is that backing you up?!"

"Okay, don't approach him unless I'm screaming bloody murder."

"If he touches you, I'm going to fucking kill him," Kaidan stated plainly.

"You do care!" he said, flashing a playful grin. "Kaidan, he's full-grown, but he's still just a baby. Promise me you won't hurt him unless I say."

"Fine," Kaidan relented.

Two minutes later, the giant _baby_ Krogan had John pinned against the wall. The 'newborn's' massive forearm was pressed into his larynx essentially cutting off his air supply. His vision was narrowing, the edges starting to go grey. He could hear Kaidan's husky voice yelling indiscernible words off to the side of them, but he only had one thought running through his mind:

_I'm not ready to leave him yet!_

The Krogan slowly loosened his grip so that John could answer his questions. He could see the blue of Kaidan's biotics rippling out of the corner of his eye, but he waved him off. When Grunt was satisfied with their arrangement to deal with the Collectors, he let him go.

John sank to the floor swallowing hard and choking, desperate to refill his lungs. Kaidan had rushed to his aid and was rubbing his back soothingly. He was saying something but John couldn't quite make out the words.

Out of nowhere, John started chuckling to himself. It grew and grew into a rumbling laugh that shook his whole body. All Kaidan could do was look on with confusion, his brow creased with a mixture of surprise and worry. John's laugh turned into a cough then back into a laugh. He was sore when he was finally able to calm himself.

It was then that he felt Kaidan's hand on his back. His touch was hot and cold at the same time, burning John's skin and adding more fuel to the raging fire that ignited everything inside of him when Kaidan was near, the flames engulfing the aching muscle that used to be identifiable as his heart. But it was blackened now, withered and shriveled under the icy truth that an innocent touch was all he would ever have of him.

_I would've, Kaidan! I would've told you everyday!_

"Jonathan, Kaidan, the Commander wishes to speak with you both in her cabin," EDI relayed.

"There are three commanders onboard, EDI. You'll have to be more specific," John teased. Kaidan looked at him like he was insane. Releasing an unstable baby Krogan, goading an AI? Yeah, he was fucking crazy. It ran in the family. "Scarecrow," he shrugged upon noticing the other man's expression.

"Commander Jane Shepard," EDI clarified, even though the only other commander besides himself was kneeling to his right. He liked 'her'. He wasn't going to admit it, but he did.

"On our way. Happy Birthday, Grunt. Let me know if you need anything," John said with one last deep breath. He heard the Krogan snarl as they walked out of the storage area and into the elevator.

"What just happened?" Kaidan asked tentatively.

"I was almost suffocated to death by our son's giant Krogan arm," John said as he tried hard to suppress another round of hysterics at the absurdity of that statement.

Kaidan gave him a strange look.

"I'm pretty sure we were imprinted on him," he clarified.

"I don't get it," Kaidan admitted sheepishly.

"I hope you wanted kids, because we are now the proud fathers to a very big bouncing baby boy!"

"Hmmm, I was kinda hoping we'd wait till we were married, but things don't always go to plan," Kaidan chuckled.

 _Don't you goddamn yank me around like that, Alenko!_ John's chest did that tightening, twisting thing again at the thought. He should really get that looked at. "Could be worse...he could've had an evil twin like I do!"

John was pretty sure he had a big goofy grin on his face when they stepped into Jane's cabin. She was waiting, arms crossed, lips pursed, one eyebrow higher than the other.

_You better tell him he's fucking beautiful EVERYDAY! Every fucking goddamned day! Everyday Jane!_

"When were you going to tell me that Liara was on Illium? And who the hell said you could release the Krogan?" Jane yelled.

"I didn't know she was still there, haven't talked to her in awhile. I hope we can catch up, though. And the Krogan has a name. Who's fucked up idea was it to keep him in that tank?" he hissed back.

"What is it with you and your soft spot for Krogan? Don't care. It was Miranda's idea. I heard she asked you out. What'd you tell her?" She appeared to be amused.

"I don't fuck terrorists?" John replied sarcastically.

"How 'bout the truth?"

"Jack figured that out _real_ fast. I like her! She hates Cerberus just as much as me!"

"And me," added Kaidan. They exchanged a nod of solidarity.

"Here's the deal, I want one of us on the ship at all times. I'm going after the assassin. When I get back, you two will go after the Justiciar. Who do you want to take with you?"

"Grunt," John answered immediately. Jane gave him a funny look. "The Krogan. His name is Grunt."

"Family outing," Kaidan mumbled under his breath. John smirked, but Jane didn't seem to notice.

"I want a few hours with Liara," demanded John.

"So do I, so does everyone. We'll have to see how it goes. That's all for now...Kaidan, a word? Oh and John, you can sleep on the couch whenever you want."

"Way too soft, Janie, I'd probably fall into a two-year coma."

John turned his back to leave, his jaw clenched as awful thoughts of jealousy and inadequacy overcame him. He couldn't stand the idea of the two of them alone together rekindling their relationship. He knew he had no claim over Kaidan, and he certainly didn't want to be the bastard that stole his sister's boyfriend.

That didn't stop him from wanting the man all to himself, though. His Tin Man. He was sure that's how Jane felt about him, too. How could anyone not be in love with those brown eyes of his? And that smooth voice and that perfect ass that he wanted to sink his teeth...

He needed to get over that shit. Kaidan would never go for him anyway. Why would he when he had the real Commander Shepard on his arm? He was the spare, her backup, just like always. Kaidan deserved better than that. There was no way in hell that he felt the same way about him. He had to accept that.

He sighed, stiffened his lip, and headed for the bar. He didn't care that it was 0900, he needed a fucking shot.

Instead, he found himself in Jack's bunker. She rolled her eyes when she saw him walking down the stairs. "Here to tell me how fucking much you like pussy?"

"You were right about that, but it doesn't hurt to have a little variety in your diet," he winked.

"Why are you here?" she snapped.

"I don't know...," he quietly confessed. She was confused by his honesty and was about to say something when he interrupted her, "Don't think I believe in Spirits, but having an all-knowing being watching my every move, hearing my every word, is disheartening."

Jack nodded getting the hint that whatever he was thinking wasn't going to be said where EDI could hear. He could see the gears turning in her head as she tried to figure out what the hell he was playing at.

"Hey, EDI?"

"Yes, Jonathan? How may I help you?" asked the even tone of the AI.

"Tell Jane to take Kaidan with her, I'll take Jack," he said, watching Jack's eyes glaze over with mischief.

*********

It was the next day before John had a chance to pull Jack aside. After tasking Grunt with escorting Samara back to the Normandy, John led the scantily clade biotic back into the locked-down crime scene. He found an empty room out of the way and stripped out of his armor.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked forcefully.

He wasn't in the mood for twenty questions. He reached for her, but she pulled away. She wasn't going to budge if he didn't answer her question.

"'Cause I'm in love with my...sister's boyfriend," he whimpered ashamedly. His breath hitching at the admission, and the guilt and the longing that came along with it.

"You're fucking pathetic!" she chided. "This is a one-time thing 'cause you're hot and you hate Cerberus. And for some strange reason, I trust you. That shit doesn't come easy. First and last time, understand, asshole?"

"Yeah, I fucking know! Just do it!"

"If you scream his name when you come, I'm gonna fuck your pretty face up!"

"Yeah," he whispered. He couldn't say that the pain wouldn't be welcome, something to take his mind off of the stinging bite in his chest when he thought of Kaidan and Jane alone together. But that didn't matter.

Minutes later, he was breathless, her hands clamped down on his chest, nails digging into his skin, his vision cloudy from some kind of liquid that he didn't have the mind to understand at the moment. He didn't even make a sound when he came hard; empty and hollow like the walls of his heart.

Then.....he sobbed.

And for the first time since they met, Jack didn't have a damn thing to say.

*********

It didn't take long for them to get dressed, Jack especially. Twenty minutes after Grunt set out, they started back to the Normandy in silence. He didn't have the strength to be ashamed or upset about what just happened. He knew he was because he felt like he just cheated on Kaidan.

He didn't want to feel that way about him, didn't want to feel anything about him, about his sister's lover. He didn't want to be confused anymore, or hopeful for something that would never, could never, happen. He should have called the whole op off. The mission was compromised the second he laid eyes on Kaidan, and he knew it because so was he.

_Two weeks._

Two weeks was all it took for Kaidan to drive him to the brink, to reduced him to a blubbering idiot on the floor of some back ally fucking a stranger who was right about him only liking cock. But it wasn't about the sex, it was about running away, pulling the pin on the grenade so he could jump on it, self-destruction.

Jack was obviously the wrong choice to take his mind off things, to move on, but he saw something in her, the same darkness he'd been carrying since Akuze, since Mindoir, since Jane died. He was drawn to it, and she understood. She must have seen it in him too.

He had to leave. He needed to get off the Normandy. He needed to get as far away from them as possible. He needed to tell Anderson what was going on so he could pull him out. Kaidan would be fine on his own. Him and Jane would be fine. He'd send them a gift on their wedding day and cards to their kids on their birthday's....

"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" Jack muttered out of the silence. Her bellowing was a pleasant interruption from his thoughts.

John could only nod his head in agreement.

"You know why you're an idiot?"

He shrugged, not really needing anyone else to tell him how pathetic he was.

"Because you have no fucking idea!"

He looked at her confused.

"I can tell by that look on your ugly face that you're hopeless. Both of you assholes are so goddamn hopeless."

"Could you be any more cryptic?"

"You really want me to be the one to spell it out for you? Ugh! Fine, but I'm gonna need a drink. Several, and you're buying."

She dragged him into the next bar they came upon and ordered double shots. The whiskey burned all the way down, but he was in need of something to numb his feelings, more punishment for his bad thoughts and despicable deeds.

"What the hell is this about, Jack?" John said after ordering another round.

"You really have no clue, do you?"

"Yes, I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Is it about what we—?"

"Hell no! And we are never speaking of that again. This is about you and that hot piece of ass you keep drooling over."

"Don't talk about him like that!" John shouted. The table next to them turned to stare. "Sorry," he said to them before turning back to her with a wrathful glare.

"You said you were in love with him. If that's true, than how come you can't see it?" she asked, her tone a little softer, her eyes curious.

He was about to yell at her and storm out, but that tone bewildered him. She sounded somewhat sincere. "I see it just fine, Jack. I know they're together."

"You are so fucking dense. He's in love with you, you big stupid idiot!!"

"Don't you dare toy with me like that!! It's not fucking funny," he said as he jumped up to leave.

"I'm not!" she yelled back. "He does!"

"No, he doesn't!"

"Look...sit back down okay? Hear me out!" She waited until he did before continuing, "Look, I know it's...weird. He's with your sister and that's all kinds of fucked up. I'm not judging, but I know what I fucking see. He looks at you with those big brown puppy-dog eyes that make me want to throw up. It's disgusting."

"He does?" John asked, utterly confused.

"Yeah, he does."

"Really?"

"Yes, so stop acting like a pussy, take your balls out of your tiny little purse, and fuck him in the next ally you come across like you should have done tonight."

"It's a little more complicated than that."

"Why? 'Cause your sister? Fuck that! He looks at you like he wants to _devour_ you. He looks at her like she's a wounded varren or something."

"No he doesn't."

"Like hell he doesn't. She looks back like he's the wounded varren. If they are together, I can't see it, from either of them. But you two? You make me fucking nauseous with your sly glances and secret smiles. And don't even get me started on those pet names you have for each other."

"What's wrong with our nicknames?"

"First of all, they're pet names not nicknames. Secondly, 'sugar' and 'sweetie' would be less sickening than the things you call each other."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Someone had to! Your pining is grating on my last nerve...and maybe I like you...and maybe you two would make a cute couple, but I swear to gods that if you repeat any of that, I'll take those balls out for you and cut them off."

"Repeat what?"

"Uh huh...Or maybe you're a lousy lay and I don't want you coming back for seconds," she smiled devilishly. "Enough talk, more drinks."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, now shut the fuck up and drink!"

"If you knew, then why did you sleep with me?"

"I didn't sleep with you, I had a quick fuck with some loser in an alley! Besides, you're hot, I was horny. And I just got out of prison. Don't take it personally, probably would've fucked the Salarian if he asked. That's how long it's been."

"Never would have guessed you had a thing for Salarians," he teased. "I like you, Jack."

"Ugh...this is why I don't fuck gay guys, they get all attached and shit." She rolled her eyes with a smile and ordered another round.

"He really does have a hot ass, though," John smirked.

"I will drink to that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He feels really really bad about it guys...


	6. Coffee Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has a 'coffee craving', Jack stirs up a little trouble, and Kaidan gets overprotective.

_What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me_  
_What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me_  
_What if it was paradise, what if we were symphonies_  
_What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you_  
**_-Lonely No More, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

"Hey? Why'd you bail on me? Where've you been?" Kaidan whispered as he peered at John who was still half asleep. He was dressed and standing on the bunk beneath John's to reach his eye level, chin resting on his hands that were twisted in the sheets locking him in place.

"Thought one of us should go with her. How'd she look? Like a robot?" John snickered.

"She looks like she did two years ago," he answered with a hint of boredom in his voice.

"That's a good sign," John assured him.

"Yeah, but I kinda wanted to see how you were on the battlefield with real bullets! You and Jack got back late," Kaidan stated suspiciously.

"Adrenaline. We went and got shitfaced."

"You're hung over!"

"Shhhh...."

"I'm kind of jealous," Kaidan smirked. That seemed to get John's attention. He cracked one eye open to look at him. Kaidan chuckled softly under his breath when he did.

"Of me or Jack? Wait, don't tell me. Let me live in the illusion."

Kaidan smiled softly. He uncomfortably laid his head down on his hands, inches away from Shepard's. Piercing blue eyes somehow warmed him from the inside out. He was done hiding the perpetual flush that this man always gave him, but he had to use every ounce of control he had to keep from leaning closer and kissing him good morning.

"Did you grow since the last time I saw you? Shit, how long was I out?" John teased.

"I'm standing on Joker's bunk. Come on, get up! We're meeting Liara in an hour. I'll go make you some coffee."

"You don't have—"

"Just get up, sleepy head. I'm bored without you causing trouble," Kaidan said in a low sultry growl.

He climbed down so John could roll out of bed. Slowly, like he was trying to torture him, John started to dress. Kaidan sat down on Donnelly's bed, placed his hands behind him, and leaned back while he watched his own private show. Sadly, it was in reverse. He wished John was taking clothes off, but his chest was still bare displaying taut muscles that were driving Kaidan mad was desire.

He didn't even try to hide the crimson escaping from his collar at the sight before him, sculpted abs, hard pecks, the collarbone he wanted to scrap his teeth across. The room was starting to feel like the inside of a furnace. He had to really focus to keep his breathing steady and even. Without knowing it, he was bitting his lower lip, the pressure making it swell and throb between hard planes of white.

It took him a moment to realize that John was staring right back at him. Eyes hungry and fierce and boring into his. John would open his mouth like he was going to say something, but then he'd only lick the corner of his bottom lip pushing Kaidan onto the verge of begging for another taste of him. Then, he was the one trying to find the words to do just that, but he couldn't get them passed his stubborn lips.

The moment was ruined when Joker came in grunting. He pushed passed John towards his bunk. John was about to sit down on it to pull on his boots, but the helmsman pushed him away and went to lay down. Instead, John sat on Donnelly's bed next to Kaidan. He was close enough for Kaidan to feel the heat escaping from his body, but it was not close enough as far as Kaidan was concerned.

"And I thought I was hungover," John joked.

"For an engineer, that Donnelly can drink," Joker grumbled his reply.

"He's Scottish, dumbass!" John and Kaidan laughed quietly at his misery. "Glad I'm not that bad off," John added, putting on one of his boots.

Joker flipped him off with a groan and turned away from them to bury his face in his pillow.

"How come I'm the only one who didn't get wasted last night? Was there a party nobody bothered inviting me to?"

"Get the hint, Alenko," came Joker's muddled voice from his pillow.

"Fuck you, Moreau," Kaidan responded a little louder than necessary just to piss him off.

John bumped his thigh playfully with his before reaching for his other boot. Kaidan did the same back. That was quickly becoming their morning greeting. Although, it was usually done under the covert cover of the mess table.

"Hey Joker, are you coming to lunch with us and Liara?" John asked.

"Yeah...Just need thirty minutes," he replied.

John straighten up after fastening his last boot. He turned slightly and pressed his chest into Kaidan's arm and shoulder. He slowly leaned his lips as close to Kaidan's ear as he could without touching him and whispered in a voice that sounded to Kaidan like pure sex, "Thought you were getting me coffee?"

Kaidan swooned. Literally swooned. First time in his life, he swooned.

His breath caught in his throat at the feel of John's warm breath on his ear before it wafted down to his neck exciting every little hair in its path as they stood on end. The feel of John's body on his sent shivers racing over the rest of him, down his spine and directly into his cock, the sound of John's hedonistic voice setting his skin on fire. The words were not comprehended, not in the slightest. All he knew was that he never wanted that man to stop whispering in his ear.

And for the moment, he didn't disappoint.

"I'm really in the mood for something sizzling, something so hot that it'll burn all the way down. Maybe with a dash of cream to make the color a soft mocha brown, smooth and silky on my lips, sweet yet bitter on my tongue. Perhaps you could add a little something _hard_ to give it a good kick, something that's sure to get me _up,_ that'll get my engine running, my thrusters firing, my pistons pumping while simultaneously warming my heart. You think that's something you could handle? Something you'd want to give me? 'Cause that's what I'm craving," he purred, pulling away slightly so he could look Kaidan in the eye.

"I have a blend you might find particularly enticing," Kaidan replied, voice low and husky that he hoped sounded just as sexy to John as his did to him.

How he managed to speak without choking on his tongue, he didn't know. But those piercing blue eyes were burrowing into him, into his soul again, and he didn't know how much longer he'd be able to hold out before the desire he had for them boiled over.

Those eyes flickered down to his lips when he licked them unintentionally. _I love you,_ he wanted to say. No, to scream. It wasn't lust, although that was there too, but it was more than that. He didn't know why. He didn't need to know why; he just felt it. It was as natural as breathing, as his heart beating in his chest. With every thump, it cried 'John, John, John...'

But that was crazy!

He'd known him less than two weeks. That wasn't normal. He technically still belonged to his sister. He was by her side when she saved the whole galaxy, for Spirits' sake. But he'd never felt this way with her. With John, by his side....well John just made him feel like he was home. It was one of those things that he never would have known, never would have realized he could've missed, until he had it.

"That's how I want my coffee from now on. Does that sound like something you could be happy with?" John asked sincerely, his voice going from lust-filled to love-filled.

"So happy," Kaidan answered, matching his tone.

"Me too."

"Let's..." Kaidan cleared his throat, "...let's, uh, get you some coffee."

John smirked and got up from the bunk. Kaidan did the same and followed him to the mess hall. They both grabbed a mug, and sure enough, John put a little cream in his. Kaidan blushed because he knew John usually just took his with sugar. He beamed at him while he poured.

"You think it's a little too early for something _hard?_ " Kaidan teased before blowing on the surface of his coffee and taking a swig.

John shook his head slowly, his blues eyes trained on Kaidan's as he smiled behind his mug. It wasn't a wineglass but Kaidan would take it.

"Me neither, Scarecrow, but we might have to suffer with the Normandy's generic brand for a little while longer."

"Well, Tin Man, I have a feeling it'll be worth the wait."

John took the seat across from him at the table. The ship was quiet at the moment. Most were out exploring Illium thanks to their shore leave. It wasn't surprising that the mess was deserted because of that and the fact that it was in between breakfast and lunch. Not even the mess sergeant was around.

They spent twenty minutes talking before they saw another soul. John told him more stories about the N program, his training, the ops he'd done, the people he'd met. Kaidan told him more about BAaT. He'd already told him about Rahna and Vyrrnus when they were at Anderson's place. This time it was more about his antics and the trouble that he'd managed to get himself into.

"...so we stole the energy bars that we were going to share with everyone, but the teacher finally caught us and we had to do everyone's laundry for a week," Kaidan said laughing.

"So you are a bad boy," John chuckled.

"I was going for Robin Hood."

"I'll keep that in mind. You'd look good in green," he winked. "But would that make me Maid Marian?"

Kaidan gave him an amused look before rolling his eyes playfully. That caused John to laugh a little louder which was a good thing because his laugh still sounded like a symphony to him. Probably always would.

"What are you two lover boys still doing here?" interrupted Jack.

Kaidan noticed that John's body stiffened immediately upon hearing her. She looked at John and rolled her eyes. He couldn't quite read the expression on his face. It was somewhere between embarrassment and maybe guilt, but he couldn't be sure. John was an N7, a soldier, the first true Human Specter, and he had a mean pokerface. But something about their exchange made the man uneasy, and Kaidan saw it.

"Are you going to join us at lunch, Jack?" Kaidan asked.

"Wasn't invited," she snapped.

"I'm sure it won't be a problem," he assured her.

"I think Jane just wanted her old crew," John interjected.

"Then why the _fuck_ are you going?" she hissed.

"Did you want me to stay and keep you company?"

"What's the matter, boy scout? Can't get enough of me?"

John's jaw clenched as he stared her down.

"Relax, Shepard! Damn, someone needs to fuck that scowl right off your face! I'd do it, but I know how much you like cock. I'm sure Alenko could help you out if you asked nicely," she smirked before turning around and sauntering off.

"Good morning, Kaidan. Jane would like to speak with you in her cabin," said EDI. Both rolled their eyes at the sound of her voice while at the same time rejoicing in the reprieve from the awkward mood that Jack so graciously provided.

"Thanks, EDI." Kaidan cleared his throat and rose from the table. John did the same and took the opportunity to put away his mug.

"Do you want me to wait for you or—"

"No, I'll be right behind you," Kaidan answered. He nodded at John before heading for the elevator.

 _Dammit Jane!_ Kaidan needed at least ten cold showers before he faced her after their morning. He just hoped that his own pokerface had improved in the last two years.

*****

When he reached Jane's cabin, Kaidan was expecting an awkward conversation with her about their relationship. They hadn't had time to discuss where they stood yet. He was both dreading and looking forward to it. Part of him wanted to be free to be with John even though they'd probably have to keep it a secret for a while. Who knew how Jane would take that kind of news.

The other part, the rational part, wanted to postpone it for as long as possible. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and get himself thrown off the ship. That was both because he didn't want to leave John and he didn't want to abandon their mission.

The door opened to let him inside and it was clear that the discussion about their relationship was not going to happen at that moment. He was both happy and sad about that, but there was no time to think about it.

Garrus was leaning against the door to her bathroom. He looked nervous for some reason. Miranda was peering over Jane's shoulder and both were reading something on her terminal. No one seemed to notice that he had entered because they all spun around when he spoke.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"We found Tali," Garrus said.

"Where is she?"

"Haestrom. And she's got a whole mess of Geth on her tail...Except I don't think Quarians have tails."

"We're going after her, right?"

"We can't," Jane answered. "We're having some minor issues with the drive core. After we dumped our last heat sink, we've had errors on just about everything. The engineers are working on it, running diagnostics."

"How long is that supposed to take?"

"Eight to ten hours," EDI said.

"We can't take off for eight to ten hours? How long will it take to get to Haestrom? Is she in trouble?" he asked with worry. Him and Tali had a special relationship on the SR-1. They had bonded over their love for tech.

"A few days at the least. We are going over reports now. Not surprisingly, the Quarians are not very forth coming on information as to where exactly she is or what she's doing there. Miranda's got some calls out to some contacts for help, but that won't help the engine problem," Jane said.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I still want everyone to have some time with Liara. We may not get another chance for awhile...or ever. We have reservations for lunch, but we may have to call it in early. You and Johnny can see if you can help the engineers when we get back. You're both good with that sort of thing. Did he already leave?"

"Not sure. He said he was about to."

"Okay, I'll go meet them and tell them what's going on. EDI, is Joker still onboard?" Garrus asked.

"He has just entered the airlock."

"Tell him that I'm on my way. I'll see you guys in a few," he said, heading for the door.

"What kind of contacts do you have Miranda?" _Might as well attempt to get some intel._

"All kinds. Hackers mostly."

"You're going to hack the Quarians?"

"If it comes down to it. Is that a problem, Commander Alenko?" she hissed without looking at him.

She may be genetically engineered to be perfect but her manners could use some refining. He still wasn't over the fact that she asked John out. That got under his skin. Although, the fact that he turned her down made him warm inside. He would've loved to rub it in her face, but he wasn't that kind of guy. Not to mention, it'd get back to Jane.

"Not if it can help save Tali," he replied.

"There might be hope for you after all."

"Look, I don't know what your problem is with me, but you need to get over it because I'm not going anywhere."

"I have no problem with you. It's you that has the problem with me, my crew, and my employer," Miranda barked.

"You're damn right I do. I've seen the things your employer is capable of!"

"Shut it you two! Common goal remember?" Jane interrupted. "And it's my crew."

"You've seen them too, Shepard! Admiral Kahoku and his men. Remember him?"

"Yes, I do. I didn't forget."

"How about Akuze? Do you remember that? What happened to John? The scars he has inside and out because of it, because of them? The nest of thresher maws? They did that to him!" he growled, pointing to Miranda

"We did no such thing!!" Miranda protested.

"Kaidan, that's enough," Jane ordered.

"Yes, you did! Cerberus was responsible for that. Ask John if you don't believe me, he'll tell you. Fuck it, ask EDI!"

Jane looked at him skeptically. "EDI, is that true?"

"I do not have access to the files on Akuze, but they are extensive."

"We have files on lots of things. Especially things relating to Commander Shepard and her brother," Miranda explained.

"Commander Alenko may be right," EDI continued. "The amount of Cerberus files on the topic is vast and they go back well before and long after the incident on Akuze. I deduced that they are not confined to Commander Jonathan Shepard due to the similar size and scope of the files to other Cerberus research projects."

"How does John know?" Jane asked Kaidan.

"He met another survivor. A few years ago. He was the one that told him."

"Miranda, can you give us a minute?"

"Yes, Shepard. And for the record, I had no idea about that. Poor John."

Kaidan rolled his eyes.

"I believe you," Jane said.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Kaidan huffed.

Jane waited for the door to shut before speaking. "I didn't know about Akuze. But it can't change anything. We need Cerberus, their money and resources, to stop the Collectors. You know that don't you? John knows that. Because he wouldn't be here if he didn't. So I'm asking you to give Miranda a break—"

"But Shep—"

"You know everyone who works for them isn't evil, right? Jacob? Have you talked to him? Daniels and Donnelly? Gardner? Kelly? Miranda needed the Illusive Man's help to escape her father's grasp. She used him like we are using him, to get shit done when no one else will. John was the one who suffered from Akuze—"

"Still suffers."

"I know that better than anyone. I was there for the aftermath! It wasn't pretty. But he's pushing it down for the sake of our mission and you need to do the same thing. Him and Miranda are friendly. You don't have to be pals, but you have to work with her. So, just try a little harder okay?"

He paused for a moment. She was right, John was pushing it down. He wanted to be here, to stay here, so he had to do the same. Then, when the mission was over, they could pick up where they left off and go after all their guys. The bad ones. She was also right about the crew aboard; they were good people from what he knew of them.

"Okay," he finally agreed. "Okay....I'm gonna head out."

"I'll be right behind you, ten minutes maybe. Don't eat without me."

"Aye, aye, Commander," he said distantly. Without another word, he turned around and stormed out.

All he wanted to do was find John and hold him. He smiled fondly when he entered the elevator because for the first time since they met, he truly believed that that man would be holding him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I hate to do this shameless cross promotion, but if anyone likes The Walking Dead fandom, I started my first Rick/Daryl fic. If you don't like zombies, no worries because it's a nonzombie AU. It's basically like this fic, two hot guys falling in love. Because who doesn't like that?! 
> 
> Thank you all again for all your support with this story! The kudos and comments and things mean so so much!


	7. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions are made. John falls apart, but Kaidan puts him back together. The boys gain an ally.

_If you go_  
_Take a little piece of me_  
_Hang it by the place you sleep_  
_And dream of me_  
_Don't leave_  
**_-I will, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

Liara was sitting on John's lap when he arrive at her office. Joker was sitting behind her desk; Dr. Chakwas and Garrus was taking in the view from her window. He was surprised he wasn't jealous of Liara. He wished he was in her place, sure, but he had a sense that there was nothing between them other than friendship.

"Kaidan!" she shouted when she noticed that he walked in. She rose from John's lap and rushed over to hug him.

"It's good to see you too, Liara!"

"Where's Jane?"

"She said she'd be ten minutes behind me."

"Good. So, how are things between you two? I heard about Horizon. That must've been tough," she said softly.

"Yeah, we're working on it, on things," he nodded. "That's enough about me, how have you been holding up?"

"I'm doing okay. Much better now that I have a break to catch up with old friends. I could use a drink though."

"That makes two of us," he said as Liara led him further into her office. She left him standing near John and went to update the others on their timeframe. He leaned up against her desk and crossed his arms. He was the only one not soaking up the beauty that was Illium, but he was basking in something else that was even more captivating.

John was either taking in the view or staring out into space. Kaidan couldn't be sure. He had his head turned giving Kaidan a good shot of his profile and his craned neck. He had shaved before he left the Normandy and Kaidan could almost smell the aftershave from where he was, could almost feel the beat of John's heart under his lips.

It took him a minute but Kaidan finally registered the look of desolation on his face. It could have been the hangover, but he didn't think that was it. John almost looked lost, and not just in thought. Maybe he was struggling with the same internal torment that he was, the left side of the brain versus the right, the big head versus the little one, rational thought versus pure unadulterated emotion.

The love for his sibling, his only living relative, the one tangible link to his past, his own flesh and blood, versus some primeval want with some random guy he just met.

It seemed like a no-brainer, but it wasn't.

Now that he notice it, Kaidan realized that he hadn't quite seemed himself after Jack walked in the mess earlier. What if something happened last night with her? She was rather intimidating, maybe they had a fight. That would've explained their bizarre encounter.

He was about to ask if he was okay when Jane walked in. Everyone turned to acknowledge her before heading towards the door. Her, Liara, and Karin took point while Joker and Garrus took up their six. Kaidan and John were in the middle as they headed to a restaurant for lunch. John's unsettling expression returned and Kaidan started to worry.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked quietly.

"I....yeah, I'm fine," John answered. He tried to give Kaidan a reassuring smile, but he saw right through it.

"Liar!" He was going for playful, but it came out accusatory.

"I need to talk to Anderson."

"About what?" Kaidan was a little uneasy about that.

They were only to contact Anderson if it was an emergency. It wasn't, he didn't think it was anyway. They had little to no intel about Cerberus other than what Jane explained to them on day one, and everything about her appeared to be normal. What was suddenly so important? So urgent that he was willing to risk their cover? Although by the minute, it was starting to feel less and less like an infiltration and more and more like—dare he think it?—'old times'.

Here he was back on a brand new Normandy, still the most advanced frigate in the galaxy, more so now—even though he didn't want to admit that—and he was falling head over boots for someone named Commander Shepard, fighting back his feelings while they fight for the galaxy. It all sounded like the plot to a bad Blasto movie. Or one of those weird Quarian love stories Tali would watch.

Regardless, he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

"John, about what?" he repeated.

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it," he mumbled.

Kaidan was not satisfied with that answer one bit. Whatever had John spoked was starting to spoke him. If they were alone, he would've pulled him off to the side, but that would've been awfully suspicious at that point in time with everyone around. With Jane two strides ahead of them. They couldn't exactly talk on the Normandy, not with EDI listening to every word they said.

"Could you two walk a little slower?" Garrus snickered from behind. "Joker's about to lap you."

"I'm enjoying the view. You could walk around if it's a problem, Garrus," John shot back over his shoulder.

"Maybe I'm enjoying the view too!"

"I'm flattered, Vakarian, but if you want a piece of this, you'll have to take me on a date first. And you should know that I have expensive tastes."

"We both know that's a lie! I've had you naked and in my bed after only two glasses of cheap Batarian shard wine."

"For the last time, I WAS DRUGGED!"

"Do I want to know?" asked Joker.

John and Garrus yelled no and yes respectively.

"I think I do," Kaidan smirked. John gave him a sideways grin which made him feel a little better, but he was still determined to get to the bottom of what was eating away at his Scarecrow. A few minutes later, the group was passing a small boutique on the way to their restaurant. Kaidan saw a chance to pull him aside and took it.

"I want to see if they have that amp you suggested," he said to John.

John took a few big steps and whispered something to Liara. She pointed to a sign in the distance and he nodded and kissed her cheek. "I'll give you a hand, Alenko. We'll catch up in a minute," John said to the others.

Kaidan had already made it to the kiosk. "Spill," he said when John joined him, not wanting to waste any time.

"I'm pulling myself out," he said looking down at the merchandise inventory.

"WHAT?! Why?"

"I think you can handle it. No need for both of us to be here. She seems to be Jane. She wouldn't have slapped me if she wasn't. It's kind of our thing."

"What aren't you telling me?" Kaidan asked, cocking his head to the side.

"Nothing! It's just...you got this."

Kaidan gripped his shoulder and spun him around so they were face to face, but John didn't look him in the eye. "Please, just tell me what happened? Was it Jack? What'd she do? You can tell me anything, I promise."

"I slept with Jack, but that's not the problem," he said, more to the ground than to Kaidan. "The reason _why_ I did it is. It's nothing you need to worry about, though. I just don't want it to effect the mission so I'm getting out."

Kaidan had no idea what to think about that. He felt like he got punched in the gut. Jealousy. Anger. Fear. More jealousy. He didn't want John to go. What would he do without him on the Normandy, or more importantly, in his life? Yeah, the backup was nice, but how was he supposed to wake up without that gorgeous smile to greet him every morning? Less than two weeks, and it was already a habit he never wanted to break.

He knew without a doubt that he would surely die if he had to.  
It was stupid and more than a little inappropriate to be jealous. They weren't technically together. Even with their conversation about 'coffee' that morning, John was free to sleep with whomever he wanted. Not like that would stop the feeling from manifesting itself, but it still made him sick to his stomach. Maybe John should go. It certainly would make things a lot easier. It would make things with Jane a lot more clear. Then again, easy wasn't always better.

"Jack? Huh, I thought it was going to be Miranda..."

"Are you mad at me?" John asked so softly that Kaidan almost didn't hear him.

"Why would I be mad? It's not like I have any claim over you. It's just...Jack? Really?"

"I thought, you know, because...I don't know, I just thought that you'd be mad or something." John was looking everywhere but Kaidan's eyes. He was cute when he was nervous, but Kaidan wasn't surprised by that. He was surprised about Jack; he was not expecting that.

 _I need you to say it!_ "I want to know why you thought I'd be mad?"

"Kaidan," he sighed, deflatingly.

"John," Kaidan replied with the same sultry voice he had used earlier that morning. He took a step closer to him, so close he could actually smell the lingering aroma from his aftershave.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan! It was a mistake. You just make me so crazy, and I thought it would help me get over you or the way I feel about you. Because...Jane. But I can't and I know that makes me a really shitty person and the worst brother in the whole galaxy, but I can't fucking help it. And yes you do, you do have claim over me, all of me, since the second I saw you," John confessed.

It was the truth, all of it, and he was ashamed for what he did. Those eyes couldn't lie, they told Kaidan everything. He moved his hands to frame John's cheeks; he could feel them warming underneath, but it wasn't out of embarrassment or excitement; he was getting upset.

John wouldn't look at him. He looked everywhere else with sad, misty eyes pained with so much guilt Kaidan could hardly stand it. The strongest man he'd ever met was breaking into pieces in front of him, shattering like a pane of glass being struck by a stray bullet, and Kaidan didn't know how to stop it. And worst of all, it was _his_ fault.

"Afterwards, I cried and she called me an idiot because I couldn't see the way you looked at me, like you felt it too, the same things I feel—" John rambled, a lone tear trickling down his cheek.

"John," Kaidan said calmly, wiping it away with his thumb.

"—Which was a lie, just her fucking with me so that I'd make an even bigger fucking idiot out of myself like right now. Because why would you want me? I'm nobody—"

"Hey, don't say that!"

"—She's _the_ Commander Shepard, Galactic Savior. No one even knows who I am—"

"I do!"

"—You have her, you couldn't want me. I don't know why I was thinking you would. So, I'll go and you don't have to worry about me bothering you again—"

"Dammit John! Listen to me!"

"—Then you can all laugh at how fucking pathetic I am for thinking I even had a chance with someone so fucking incredibly amazing—"

"John Shepard, would you look at me for one goddamned second!!" he finally yelled.

That managed to get John's attention because he finally stopped his ranting. Their eyes met, and Kaidan had to suppress a laugh because his expression was like that of a child getting scolded.

Kaidan smiled, warm and understanding, softly echoing words that John had said to him moments before their first kiss. "Oh hey, look at those beautiful blue eyes!"

Everything John needed to hear must've been wrapped up neatly in those words—the 'Me too's' and 'It's all right' and 'I want you's', the 'You're forgiven', the 'Jack was right', the 'I don't love her', all of it—because John kissed him.

Before he could think or blink or even take a breath, John was crushing their lips together, one hand curled tightly around his neck, the other splayed on the small of his back. Kaidan's arms were awkwardly pinned between them but his hands were still cupping John's smooth face, and he wasn't about to let him go. He would gladly suffer through the discomfort, not that he even noticed with those lips on his.

The kiss was way too short, like always, but incredibly intense, even more so than the first. It was as if the strike of a lightning bolt ignited every bone in his body at once, but that could have been their biotics. He was tingly and warm, getting lost in those lips for the second time.

John pulled away almost immediately, his eyes shooting open wide in shock at what he'd done. The N7 shook his head and opened his mouth to say something, another apology if Kaidan had to guess, but was silenced when Kaidan pulled him back in for another fiery kiss.

That was what he wanted, not another apology.

His arms snaked around to John's back to hold him in place. His lips parted and John's followed his lead, opening up to spill what felt like hot magma into Kaidan's mouth, smooth and searing into his own. Soon, their tongues were gliding and slipping over the other's, both hungry and filled to the brim with something that was way beyond pure want, four hands trying in vain to pull the other even closer.

Kaidan's lungs were starting to burn, a dull ache spreading out from under his breastbone. But he wasn't ready to give in yet, to give him up yet, the feel of his lips, the taste of John's essence as he explored his mouth, the heat of his flushed body against his own, the pressure of the hand sliding further down Kaidan's back as its fingers slip into his back pocket and squeezed. He was nowhere near ready for the universe to start spinning again.

But the universe did start spinning again. John pulled away again, sorrow and guilt pouring out from his eyes again. He closed them and rested his forehead on Kaidan's.

"...don't leave me...," Kaidan pleaded, breathless and vulnerable.

"Never," John whispered onto his lips before kissing him again. This time it was slow and easy, full of passion, no longer urgent but soothing and delicious and tranquil and so fucking right. Kaidan wanted to stay like that forever, wrapped in strong arms, kissing lips that were more sweet and gentle than anyone could've imagined.

But it never seems to work out that way.

"Ahem..."

Someone cleared their throat beside them. John blushed and turned to apologize, but he frozen when he looked into a familiar set of small beady eyes. The color immediately drained from his face. Kaidan knew that something was wrong and turned to look at the cause of John's horrified reaction.

"Garrus!"

"It's not what it looks like—Fuck!!—It's exactly what it looks like," John admitted. He tried to pull away, but Kaidan held him in place, afraid to let him go for fear of the universe imploding on them right then and there.

"Does this mean you no longer have feelings for Jane?" Garrus asked with heavy distain, arms crossed in front of him.

"Garrus, it's complicated...I mourned her, closed that chapter of my life. And then...," he looked back at John as he tried to find the words. A million different things ran through his mind. What would Jane think? Would Garrus tell her? Of course he would tell her. How angry was she going to be? Would John run away out of guilt or shame? Regret maybe?

"I love her, loved her. It's just...not the way I used to. I don't know what to say," Kaidan mumbled. John finally wiggled out his grip and Kaidan immediately felt a sense of loss both at John's body heat and then of his whole presence. And he was lost.

"Have you told her that? My impression is that she still thinks you're together. Spirits, her brother, Kaidan? What the hell is that about?!"

"I didn't fucking plan it, Garrus. It just—"

"Happened?" Garrus sighed as his body relaxed.

"I don't want to hurt her! I want to be her friend and I want to help her with this mission. So what am I supposed to do? Confess? Tell her that I'm so completely in love with her brother that it hurts? That I can't breathe without him? That I don't know how I ever did before?"

The last few sentences flew out of his mouth so quickly and unfiltered that he didn't even realized what he said until John pulled him back in for another deep kiss that sent him close to collapse as his knees began to fail him. He kissed him back just as hard. All thoughts of Garrus, anything, or anyone else were lost to them in that moment.

They pulled away, caught their breath, and slowly looked back at the Turian. Neither could read the expression on his face, but he didn't protest or clear his throat this time. And he hadn't pulled out his gun. Maybe he understood? Surely he'd been in love before, knew what it was like to get caught up in the moment, in your love for someone else.

"But you're going to tell her, right?" Garrus asked. His tone was different now. It wasn't angry or upset it sounded almost giddy. "Break up with her?"

It left Kaidan puzzled. He looked at John who had the same bewildered expression on his face, both shocked that they weren't dead. Those crystal eyes both haunted and calmed him. He felt John's hand move back to his hip and he inwardly rejoiced at the contact between them. It gave him hope and courage and the strongest sense of belonging that he'd ever known.

"I, I told her we could to take it slow if she wanted, but I don't think I made myself clear enough." he said defeatedly looking from John back to Garrus. "She's going to kill me. He's, he's her brother, her twin. I know that's fucked up..." Kaidan's voice was starting to crack under the reality he was facing. How was he supposed to tell her that? "But it's the right thing to do."

"Oh thank the Spirits! I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to space you two!"

Kaidan couldn't tell if he was joking or not. He hoped he was. He tried to give him a forced smile but it felt more like a grimace.

"You really don't love her?" Garrus asked, to be sure.

This time Kaidan thought he sounded confused. It was like he meant or wanted to say, "How could you not love her?" That question would have been a lot more complicated and was one he didn't have to answer to. But he could answer the first one.

"Romantically? No, but as a friend, of course. That's why this thing is so confusing, so fucked up," he said. John squeezed his hip lightly. It was a small gesture but it meant the world to him. He knew it was John telling him he wasn't alone in all of this. Kaidan grabbed his hand and squeezed it back, eyes never leaving Garrus.

"Good...'cause I am," Garrus confessed. "She probably doesn't feel the same way. You got to her first before I even realized it. Can't say I haven't thought about throwing you out the airlock for that, but that was just my jealousy talking. How could you not love her?" he asked cocking his head to one side, mandible flaring wide.

 _Damn that question!_ "I don't know. Maybe I never did. She was there, we were there. It was a stressful time, adrenaline, duty, and I guess we both just needed someone. I thought I loved her. I _really_ did, but..." he looked at John and then back to Garrus, "...but I realized that I didn't. I know she hasn't had two years to put it behind her like I have. And I wanted to tell her, but she has a lot on her plate and on her mind. I didn't want to hurt her. And I _really_ want to be here."

"I can't imagine why," Garrus muttered sarcastically.

"Hold on a second...you love her?" John asked him.

He only sighed and gave a small nod.

"What a clusterfuck this is!"

"She probably won't go for a Turian, but I need to try at least."

"So what do we do now?"

"I have to tell her that I don't feel that way about her anymore. I think the whole brother part can wait, but she deserves to know that much at least," Kaidan said.

He saw John nod out of the corner of his eye which was followed by another light squeeze on his hip. He'd never felt so safe, so protected, so brave in his whole life. John gave him the courage and the desire to face anything the galaxy could throw at him, at them.

He had a strange yet urgent need to see him fighting by his side in combat.

"Then we drive her into the arms of Garrus," John smirked. "We don't get along that well, but she deserves to be happy. She's been through a lot. And you're her best friend. I don't see why she wouldn't go for you. You are a good Turian. Plus, she does like scars."

"I like the way you think, John!" Garrus quipped. "We should get back before they start looking for us. Well, uh, well just let her down easy, Kaidan," he said with a pat on his shoulder.

"Lead the way, Garrus," John said. He gave Kaidan one last kiss before breaking away and putting on his game face.

"Glad we could have this talk," Garrus replied as he set out towards the restaurant. John and Kaidan followed behind.

"Did you really mean that part?" John asked Kaidan, quiet and hopeful.

"The part where I confessed my love for you? I want to say no because it's much too soon for that sort of talk, and I don't want to scare you off. But it'd be a lie," he admitted with a nervous chuckle.

"Would it help to know that you're not alone in that?"

"I kinda picked up on that, but yeah."

"Since I first saw you. Since before that even...probably."

"I know, me too," Kaidan said with a knowing sideways smile.

Garrus cleared his throat at them again over his shoulder as they reached the door. All three put on their best pokerface, held their breath, and walked into the restaurant.


	8. Dumbfounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane figures something out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Jane's POV, sorry about the lack of Shenko but I'll make it up to you in a few chapters. ;p And I'm starting to wonder if the 'Scarecrow, no brain' thing is hereditary.

_All I see,_  
_Lying there in front of me._  
_Maybe we were here before,_  
_I just didn't wanna believe._  
**_-I Will, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

Jane was dumbfounded. Something was...off. Since lunch with Liara earlier that day, there was an uneasy feeling that crept into her gut and took up residence, an irritation that she couldn't place, an odd mood on the ship. It had her scratching her head as she tried to put her finger on what exactly _it_ was.

She had noticed it before when John and Kaidan first came aboard. But when the three of them came into the restaurant, the three closest people to her in the whole galaxy—John, Kaidan, and Garrus—it became impossible to ignore. It had been eating away at her ever since.

"Jane? Are you alright?" Kaidan asked with concern from across the table.

It was about midnight. They had left Illium about three hours ago and the ship was back to its normal night schedule routine. They were the only two in the mess, Kaidan struggling to keep an oncoming migraine at bay, and her avoiding work and avoiding nightmares.

They had been sitting there for awhile. Kaidan had been telling her all about the things that she had missed over the past two years. He was a modest man, so most of what he told her was about their other crew mates and what they had been up to. She knew he didn't like to talk about himself much. The things she did know about him, she practically had to drag out of him.

But it was nice, sitting and talking with the lights turned low, in the quiet, the mostly quiet, with those caramel brown eyes staring back at her. It was so easy to get lost in those eyes, but for some reason, not tonight, not for awhile.

"Got a lot on my mind," she replied. She took another sip before telling him to continue with his story about finding Joker so drunk in a bar that he didn't recognize him. She faked a laugh and a smile.

Her mind started to wander again, but she didn't know what to. She had no clue what was amiss. All three of her boys seemed to be getting along, so much so that she thought briefly that it was her jealousy that was the problem. She shook that off quickly. Yeah right, she didn't get jealous.

"I think I'm going to grab some sleep. These meds are starting to kick in. Between that and the tea, I'm getting a little drowsy," Kaidan said.

"Yeah, I have some reports that I've been putting off. It was nice catching up, K. Maybe next time I won't be so preoccupied."

"It's fine. I know you have a lot on your mind. I still hate Cerberus, but I can't complain about the bunks. Or the sheets. They're way too soft. I'm going to get spoiled if I stay here for too long."

"You deserve to be spoiled, Kaidan. I'm really glad you're here," she said, leaning across the table and squeezing his arm.

"You try to get some rest too, Shepard."

"No promises," she smirked at him as he got up from the table. She watched him pitter patter away, his socketed feet making him as quiet as a ninja as he rounded the corner. _That ass is just spectacular._

She missed him. Although, she could tell that he was different somehow. They hadn't had a lot of time to get reacquainted and she wondered how much he had changed, how much her death affected him. Who he was now, would she even like the newer him, would he like her?

She sighed and headed for the coffee machine. After a refill, she headed up to the CIC. She was intending to go to her cabin, but she knew she would be up all night tossing and turning as she fruitlessly tried to figure out what weird thing was misfiring here. What was she missing?

There were only three people on the bridge when she stepped off the elevator. One manning defenses, one checking onboard systems, and one monitoring the AI that was piloting the ship while Joker slept. None of them noticed her slipping by. She grabbed a datapad off her private terminal and walked to the cockpit.

She had every intention of getting to those reports she told Kaidan about, but that gnawing feeling refused to give her pause. She sat down in Joker's chair. Nobody ever sat in Joker's chair but him, and she got a kick out of doing something that was almost considered forbidden. She'd hear about it tomorrow, though. EDI would make sure of that.

"Hello, Shepard," EDI said right on cue. Her blue orb came to life on the side panel when Jane sat down.

"Hey, EDI. Anything to report?"

"All systems are functioning normally. There are no unresolved issues with the ship or the crew at this time."

"Thanks, hmmm..."

"Is there something wrong, Shepard?" asked the mechanical voice of the AI.

"No, I just realized I thanked you for the first time...it's strange. I must be getting used to you."

"We have been working together for almost two months now. I am glad that you are comfortable with my presence."

She turned on her datapad and began scrolling through the mission reports for their last two missions. Everything went well and she added two more members to her crew. Now, they were heading to Haestrom for Tali. She sent off her reports and started to go through her messages.

She clicked on the one Kaidan had written her after their fight on Horizon. It was short, she had the thing memorized, but she read over it again.

\--------------------------  
_Shepard, I'm sorry about how we left things. It was hard seeing you again after so long. I should've went with you when you asked, but I was angry and scared._

 _But I've had a lot of time to think now, to clear my head, and I want to make things right. Let me know when you're heading back to the Citadel, I want to apologize face to face._  
Until then, be careful and watch your six. -K. Alenko  
\--------------------------

How could she say 'no' to him?

"Is something wrong?" EDI asked, when she scrunched up her face.

"Yes, but it's nothing you can help me with. Actually...can you pull up the vid stream from the crew quarters and send it to my datapad?"

"Right away, Shepard." Instantaneously, a live feed started to play on her datapad.

"Can you zoom in on Kaidan?"

"Very well."

The camera panned to Kaidan's bunk. He was fast asleep tucked under the covers. He looked so peaceful and she couldn't help but smile. His hair was already a mess and his mouth was hanging wide open. The meds must have hit him hard and fast.

It reminded her of the few times she woke up next to him on the SR-1. That thought led to the nights before those early morning, and her cheeks went a little flush. They were only together a short time, but it was good. She didn't regret thing. She was sure that he didn't either.

But that spark they had on the SR-1 wasn't there this time. Maybe it was over now, time to cut her losses. She was never good with relationships, and he deserved to find someone who wasn't eighty percent cybernetics, someone who actually had a heart to give him.

She couldn't even begin to imagine what he went through after she died. Garrus and Joker told her a few things after Horizon. How he fell apart and blamed himself. How terrible he looked at the funeral. How he pushed everyone away afterward.

She knew something wasn't right between them now. That, she recognized. She didn't know how or if it could be repaired, or if it was even worth it to try, but she did like having him on the ship. He was a good solider and a good biotic if nothing else.

It was painfully obvious that something was off there, but she knew it wasn't the problem that was bothering her. She anticipated _that_ one would be there when she let him come back aboard. And she was prepared for it.

Maybe it was John.

"EDI, can you move over to John?"

"Yes, Shepard."

She laughed to herself when she saw him sprawled out on his bunk. He had one leg out of the covers as usual, and she could practically hear his soft snore from the cockpit. No one had complained so she assumed it was still a soft one.

He looked both the same and different. She also couldn't have imagined how he took her death. He was her only family left, his only blood relative, his twin. She was sure it rocked him hard. That wasn't ego, that was her twintuition. She knew she wouldn't have been able to go on without him.

They singlehandedly saved Elysium together. Sure, she was the one who got the medal, the fame, and the glory. He always preferred to stay in the background. But that eventually led to her getting the nickname "The Butcher" when she enacted her revenge on Torfan. He was there too, dragging her away and out of trouble like he always did, but he couldn't save her from the nickname.

And how the hell did he get over Akuze?

He was hardened a bit after that. She knew something had changed in him that fateful day. Maybe the same thing happened when she died. He seemed more high strung than she remembered. He was always looking over his shoulder. That was probably due to Cerberus though.

Maybe she shouldn't have let _him_ onboard. It was weird that they hadn't fought yet. She assumed it was because he was too grateful that she was alive to start anything. But maybe it was something else.

There didn't appear to be a problem between him and Kaidan. She would see them eating and drinking coffee together in the mess a lot, laughing and joking around. They seemed to get along better than fine. In fact, Kaidan looked more comfortable with him than he ever did with her, than she'd ever seen him. She chalked that up to them knowing each other longer and perhaps better. John potentially had her beat by eighteen months there with her death and all.

If she didn't know better, she would have thought that John had a crush on him. It could have been her imagination or his biotics, but his eyes seemed more blue when Kaidan was around. However, John never really liked anyone before, didn't have silly crushes, so that was one of the first theories she dismissed away.

She honestly wouldn't have blamed him if he did; Kaidan was amazing. He wouldn't do that to her though, they wouldn't do that to her.

She was absolutely fine with the two of them being thicker than thieves. But John and Garrus? That nagged at her for some reason. She didn't think John was into other species, not that it would have bothered her, or should have bothered her, but they seemed to be too close for her liking.

Maybe it was her jealousy after all. She was dead, in a coma, for two years and her brother stole all her friends away. Stole Garrus away.

Like everyone, she had heard the tales of them from Omega. John was there after some op letting off some steam. Garrus got in a tight jam and John rescued him. Then, he stayed awhile and helped him take out some trash. Of course, not without saving his ass a few more times.

Here she thought she was his white night.

And what was with that little crack about him getting John into bed? That kept running through her mind. If John wanted to bed a Turian, he needed to find a different one. Garrus was hers, _her_ best friend. And if he wanted a best friend, he needed to find his own. Perhaps Kaidan would be up for it. She could live with that.

"Hey, EDI? Is Garrus in the crew quarters?"

"No, Shepard. He is still working in the main battery. Shall I open his comms?"

"Not right now. Can you pull up the vid, though?"

"Yes, Shepard."

The feed from the crew quarters quickly changed to the main battery. Garrus was fiddling with a console as usual, no doubt working on their defense cannons. She was sure she could hear him saying, "Not now, Shepard. I'm in the middle of some calibrations." His tickling purr always made her warm inside.

Maybe she should ask him if he thought something was off. He was awfully quiet at lunch and he stayed to himself for most of the day. She was planning on sending the three of them down to get Tali, but she wasn't willing to do that if there was a problem between them.

_"Hey, EDI?"_

"Yes, Garrus?"

_"Is, uh, is anyone still awake?"_

"There are several individuals that are still awake. The usual night crew, you, and Shepard."

_"Shepard's still awake?"_

"That is correct."

_"What, uh, ahem, what is she doing? Don't answer that; it's, uh, none of my business. Is she in her cabin?"_

"No, she is in the cockpit."

_"Oh, okay. Do you know if Kaidan talked to her today about, uh, something? Don't answer that either. Hmmm, uh, well I'll just be getting back to work then._

"That was odd," Shepard said out loud.

_He sure is cute when he's flustered. Did you just say a Turian was...that Garrus was...cute? No, I thought it....shit. First of all, he's a Turian...which surprisingly I'm okay with. Second of all, did you forget about a certain biotic by the name of Kaidan Alenko?_

No, she had to stop that line of thinking right now! How was she supposed to work with Kaidan after dumping him for her best friend? That was too much. Although, she could let him down easy, maybe wait a little while before exploring possibilities with...no, Garrus wouldn't go for her. They were just friends.

"EDI? Do you have any information about Turian attraction and mating rituals?"

"Yes, Shepard. If you like, I could send the information to your datapad."

"Do it," she replied. A little research never hurt anything. It was merely for scientific purposes. Mordin would be proud. Exploring other cultures and societies was important. Very important to her mission and to galactic stability. Yes, yes, that made total sense.

"Hey, Shepard! What are you still doing up?" came Garrus' voice from behind her.

_Dammit!_

"Reports. And you?"

"Calibrations..."

"You don't say," she teased. She watched as he sat down in the co-pilot's chair. "Everything okay?"

"Absolutely! Why wouldn't it be?" he said a little too quickly.

"You seemed off today. Is everything going okay with Kaidan and John? Did you guys have a falling out or something?"

"No, of course not. We're all good. Very good."

"You're good with John?"

"Yes and Kaidan."

"And those two are good?"

"Very good. Why? Did Kaidan say something? Did he talk to you today?" Garrus asked cautiously.

"Yeah, we talked in the mess a little while ago."

"In the mess? Hmm, I guess I should be the one asking if you're okay."

She knew something was strange about this conversation. Why was he worried about her talking to Kaidan? Maybe if she played along, he would slip up and reveal something to unravel the mystery.

"I mean, I might be a little on edge...obviously," she admitted.

"Yeah, obviously. You want to talk about it?"

"Do you think it's something that we should talk about?"

"I'm not really versed in Human breakups, Shepard. Should we be drinking or something?"

_Breakup? Kaidan wants to breakup with me?! To make it official? It doesn't really feel like we're together anyway. Why didn't I see this before? I was blinded by those stupid honey eyes, that's why! Shit!_

They all knew. That explained everything. What they were discussing before lunch, why Garrus stayed quiet, why John won't look at either one of them. Why Kaidan talked about everyone but himself. Since the two of them came onboard, they all knew. She felt like a complete idiot.

Kaidan must have been too scared to tell her before. He probably thought she wouldn't let him onboard otherwise. She might not have. But she did like having him on the ship, and she wasn't going to kick him off if he didn't want to be with her anymore. She wasn't that cruel, not to Kaidan, but she could still have some fun with him....

"I'm good Garrus, surprisingly."

"You sure?"

"Yep! I do have a question though. Um, are Kaidan and John best friends?"

"They're pretty close...Is that a problem?" he asked skeptically.

"No, the opposite actually. I wanted to make sure he had someone to talk to if he needed it."

"I think he'll be fine," he smirked.

"So you guys won't have any problems going down to Haestrom together?"

"I don't see why not. We're kind of looking forward to it. 'Guys night out' as John keeps saying. Whatever that means."

"A firefight is definitely his idea of a good time."

"Ahem...."

"Yours too," she snickered. "....mine too."

They sat there in silence for a few moments before she spoke again, "What do Turians do when they go through a breakup?"

"They shoot guns. And then find an even more attractive Turian to date."

"I can't imagine a more handsome Turian than you, Garrus." _What the hell? Did you just say that? In case you've forgotten, Kaidan hasn't technically broken up with you yet._ "So...tell me more about these Turian dating rituals. I might need to try some out for myself," she giggle, actually giggled.

"I'm an excellent teacher," Garrus hummed.

"You a heartbreaker Garrus? I might need to watch out for you," she teased.

"I could never break your heart, Jane."

_He called me Jane! Oh shit....I'm in love with Garrus...._


	9. The Shepard Exchange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Kaidan officially break up, Kaidan gives himself to John, sort of, through a coded message anyway, and Jane finds out something about John she doesn't like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of Kaidan's inner thoughts here. Some are sprinkled in with dialogue so hopefully it's not too distracting. Enjoy!

_Sometimes_  
_You're the best time_  
_I've ever, ever known_  
_Pretty girl with a wicked smile on_  
_But I've cried_  
_For the last time_  
_Something just don't feel right_  
**_-You're So Real, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

Jane was waiting to greet him with a warm embrace and a short kiss on his lips when Kaidan reached her cabin. It was meant to be more sensual but he froze when she swiped her tongue over his lips. His stomach twisted into knots, not like from the butterflies John gave him, but like he swallowed a hunk of rusted metal that was weighing him down and poisoning him slowly from the inside out.

"Sorry, Kaidan. It's just that I've missed you so much," she whispered softly in his ear. One hand held him tight by the neck while the other fell slowly down his chest.

"I've missed you, too. But it's been two years for me, not two months. That's, that's a long time, Jane. Along time to mourn.....and....and a long time to move on," he said, hesitantly pulling away.

She didn't really expect that he wouldn't have moved on, did she? Two years gave him a long time to pull his life back together even though it wasn't completely finished until he met John. He had to tell her the truth, that he didn't have those kinds of feelings for her anymore. The ones he did have were warm but friendly. They had went through a lot together, there was no denying that, if this was actually Jane Shepard, but it took her coming back to life for him to realize he belonged with someone else.

Truth was, he may have never known that or even met John if she hadn't died and came back. Except maybe at their wedding when it was too late to go back. He shuddered at the thought and almost broke down and confessed right then and there.

He felt two feet tall under her gaze. What was he doing? He couldn't tell her the truth. _'Oh by the way Jane, I want to fuck your brother's brains out. No hard feelings, don't throw us out the airlock!'_ That was out of the question. They had a job to do, a job first and foremost, personal feelings be damned.

NO!

No, John was different. John....well John was worth it. Worth all of it! Whatever 'it' was, Kaidan wanted it. All of it, all of him, everything he had, everything he was. John had felt it too. He had no more doubts about that now. Not after everything had been said and done.

The looks, the sly smiles that washed away the entire universe until all that remained was the pair of them. The way John touched him and set his skin ablaze, flames dancing on the surface while simultaneously burning him all the way down to the quick.

He hadn't imagine that! It was real. Something so powerful, something so all consuming could only be real. And it was. And it was amazing. And it was his.

There was something about Jane that had pulled him in, some part of her that got under his skin once. It must have ran in the family. But there was _everything_ about John. He hated Jane, well he hated meeting her first. Hated her for making him fall for her. He didn't love Jane. Maybe he never did, but he certainly wasn't in love with her now.

"Do you want to move into my cabin? It'll give us time to get to know each other again," she asked cautiously.

"Jane, no, I...can't. I'm sorry," he said. _It's John I want to wake up to every morning, even if we're not in the same bunk._

She let him go and let out a half sigh, half growl that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. "I get it," she said so softly that he almost didn't catch it. She turned away from him. "I died, you mourned me, moved on, met someone else?"

"Jane, it's not like that. Well...maybe it is. I don't know. But you can't expect me to jump in bed with you when I feel like I don't even know you. I don't know what those Cerberus bastards did to you. They could've....hell, I don't even know..."

"You think I'm a fake?" she bellowed, turning back around to glare at him.

"No, Jane. I honestly don't," he said, making a point to keep eye contact.

"What is it then? Did you knock her up and get stuck with her?"

"What are you—no!"

"Did she cast a spell on your cock that'll make it fall off if you fuck someone else?"

"That just ridiculous!"

"Just tell me one thing: Is she pretty?"

 _More than pretty, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen._ "How am I supposed to answer that? Look, I don't know what it is between us, we just met. Or if there's still anything between _us,_ " he said motioning to Jane, "...but...."

"Just met, huh? Guess you make it habit of falling in love with people you've just met. And here I thought it was just me!"

"I told you I don't know!" _I do know!_

"Oh my god, you really are in love with her!"

 _Him, and yes._ "The whole thing is really confusing. I thought I'd never see you again. You have to understand what something like that did to me," he said softly as both of his hands rose to rub his temples. "Even without someone else in the picture."

"You lied to me didn't you? To get back on my ship? Why are you here then?"

"I never lied. I told you that even if nothing happened between us that I wanted to be here. We started this fight together and we're going to end it that way too because it's more important than the both of us."

"Before I agreed to let you back aboard you said you didn't know what you wanted."

"I didn't, not then."

"But you do now? A week later was all it took for everything to become clear to you?"

Kaidan nodded hesitantly.

"Explain how that works? Absence makes the heart grow fonder? You don't think I'm really me? You don't like who I am now? I'm exactly the same, Kaidan!!"

"Yes, I know that, but I'm not. I liked you, I truly did! Wanted you, maybe even loved you. And I mourned you so much. I missed you...for a long time, I missed you..."

"But then you got over me?" she asked, her tone unimpressed.

He nodded.

"So that's it then? It's over?"

He shrugged.

"Then what the fuck are we supposed to do now?" she frustratingly grumbled.

"I don't know. I-I don't want to leave. I've belonged here on this ship since the beginning. If you want to kick me off you can. I won't beg. You can even leave me on Haestrom if that's what you want. But this fight is mine too! You know that better than anyone. For Jenkins, for Ash, for everyone we lost, for everyone we will lose if we don't defeat them."

"I know...I'm not kicking you off. I really do need your help, your biotics, your skills, your trust. I need you. And I know whatever there was between us has probably run its course, no use dragging it out," Jane agreed.

"Really?" he asked in surprise.

"Kaidan, I'm not a complete idiot. I just...felt it or something. It's not the same. You're not the same. Nothing's the same. You don't look at me the same way. That's okay, I think. Maybe I'll find someone else who will."

"I know you will....Are you okay?"

"I will be. But you were right, I haven't had two years to get over you. You're so fucking hot! Do you have any idea?"

Kaidan could only blush.

"I'm going on record here that if she doesn't appreciate you, I'll kick her ass! You tell her that. It is a she right? I just assumed. If not, I can get John or Garrus to do it."

"I'll keep that in mind," he snickered. "We're good?"

"I don't know, but either way, we'll figure it out. You do belong here. But not here here, so get the hell out of my cabin," she bellowed.

"Aye, aye, Commander," he said with a salute as he turned to leave. He wasn't about to press his luck.

All in all, it went better than he expected. He wasn't dead, so that was a plus. She hadn't spaced him or kicked him off the ship. She sounded sincere about her needing him onboard. She didn't threaten to find the person he was in love with and gut them.

He was going to count it as a good breakup, better than the one with Rahna, and maybe his last, he hoped. But that was too presumptuous and optimistic. Him and John had a hell of a long way to go. Although, he did wonder how long he'd have to wait till he could propose.

_What the hell, Alenko? You only broke up with his sister two minutes ago. You need to stow your shit. It's bad enough you confessed your undying love for him after only knowing him for two weeks. You're gonna scare him off!_

He sighed and stepped off the elevator. He hurried to the crew quarters. It was late and the lights had already cycled off. Kaidan went to his bunk and changed as quickly and as quietly as he could. Garrus stirred from the other side of the room when he accidentally dropped a boot.

"Sorry," he whispered to no one in particular.

He could faintly make out John's eyes on him in the dim lights. He felt them, but there were also two small glowing pinpoints of white in the darkness, the reflection off the lenses of his eyes from the safety lights. They looked like tiny little lighthouses, strobing in the dark when he blinked. John was his safe passage home. He would never, ever doubt that.

When he was finished changing, he quickly stood up on Joker's occupied bed which earned him a groan and a grunt of protest from the helmsman. He could faintly make out a muffled, "Get the hell off," but he ignored it.

He leaned over to John and whispered in his ear, "I, uh, got ahold of that blend you wanted. It's all yours, Scarecrow."

"I can't wait to taste it, Tin Man."

"Spirits! Me neither..." _Why is it so hot in here?_

He hopped off the bunk and climbed into his own. He wanted to reach out and touch John, curl up in his arms, but being on the next bunk over was enough for now. They stared at each other for awhile, his eyes unable to make out details, only the faint outline of John in the dark. His mind filled in the blanks until they eventually turned into dreams.

*****

Kaidan woke up to a pair of gorgeous baby blues staring at him from less than a foot away. The owner of said eyes was standing on the bottom bunk with his head resting on his hands exactly in the same way that he had woke John a few mornings before.

Neither said anything for a while. They just laid there for a minute or two in silence. Kaidan watched his eyes travel down over his face, a little smirk appearing when he licked his lips. If he had to guess, John was memorizing his face but he was still so mesmerized by his eyes that he couldn't do the same.

"You get to see me in action today," John said with a smug smile. His eyes fell back to Kaidan's mouth as he waited for a reply.

"I've been looking forward to it," Kaidan said, voice raspy from sleep and the butterflies fluttering in his chest. He meant it. He couldn't wait.

"You should get dressed. We need to get a jump start on our calorie intake."

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were asking me to breakfast," Kaidan teased.

"Maybe you shouldn't know better," John smirked.

Kaidan's rough laugh was just as raspy as his voice.

"How'd she take it?"

"Better than I thought. Garrus leaking the news before hand was a blessing in disguise. Although, I think she was messing with me for awhile. She said that she didn't want me to leave and she wouldn't kick me off."

"That's good! Do you think she likes Garrus?"

"I really hope so. It'll make everything else a lot easier. And I know we all want her to be happy."

"Yes we do. Alright get up sleepy head. I'm going to make you some coffee," John said with a wink as he hopped off the bunk.

Kaidan watched him walk away. John turned back once and smiled warmly before slipping out the door. He was really excited to see him in action, hot and sweaty as he danced passed enemies, both of them filled with adrenaline, possibly a battlefield kiss like he kept dreaming about.

He got dressed and went to the mess. John was sitting in his usual spot, his own usual chair empty and waiting next to him. Their mugs were on the table cooling side by side like they were meant to be. He went to get his breakfast, double of everything since he was scheduled to go out today, and sat down to eat. A gentle thigh bumped his, their usual morning greeting.

It would have to do until they could freely kiss their good mornings to each other. It was hard going days and days without John's lips on his, but he had only been a free man for eight hours or so.

At least the guilt was subsiding.

He was a little shocked that she took their breakup so well. He had a feeling it was because of certain Turian that she'd been spending a little more time with over the past few days. Him and John had agreed to keep things quiet for awhile both out of respect and because of their mission.

_Yeah, the mission. Remember that thing?_

They were both convinced that she was the same Jane as before. A clone or a robot wouldn't have been able to fool her twin. The people from Cerberus were quite pleasant. Kaidan had not expecting to make friends with them but it was slowly happening. And nothing suspicious seemed to be afoot. EDI was even growing on him.

They needed to send a status report to Hackett as soon as they got the chance, but the plan was to stay and help her out if they felt her mission was genuine. They did. They also knew they would probably be separated if they went back and that wasn't something they were ready for.

Not yet. Not ever.

"Good morning," Jane said as she and Garrus walked in from the main battery. She looked at Kaidan and nodded.

"She seems happy," John whispered.

"We'll be orbiting Haestrom in three hours. I take it you three have went over the briefings?"

They all nodded.

"Good, be suited up in two. I don't want Tali down there any longer than she has to be."

"Hey, Janie? Can I ask you a question?"

"What is it now, Johnny?" she said rolling her eyes.

"Me and the crew were wondering...does the AI record _everything_ that goes on around here?"

"Yes, but most gets dumped and recorded over. Why?"

"I just wanted to know that if I'm _abusing_ myself, it won't end up on the extranet. 'N7, First Human Spectre, and former boy scout caught wanking it by illegal AI, vid at ten.'"

The whole mess hall erupted with laughter. They may not have been brave enough to ask, but they were all thinking the same thing he was.

"What the fuck do you mean First Human Spectre?!" she growled.

"Kaidan, run," he said under his breath. "Nothing!" he said as he jumped out of his chair and headed anywhere he could that might offer him sanctuary.

Kaidan didn't move, no one did. They all sat there silently for awhile, listening to the muffled yelling coming from the lounge that they couldn't quite make out clearly. Several minutes later, they heard the door swoosh open and everyone tried to look busy.

"GARRUS!" Jane yelled as she walked towards the elevator.

"On your six," he said as he went after her.

John came back a few minutes later. He didn't have any visible marks, no black eyes, and his breathing wasn't labored. Kaidan took that as a good sign.

"Why'd you do that?" Kaidan snickered.

"No brain! Actually, it just kinda slipped out. It turned out to be good thing though; she's gonna go vent to Garrus," he chuckled. "I asked her if she wanted to see behind his plates and she punched me in the ribs." John lifted his shirt to reveal a big black bruise on his ribcage. "The seed has been planted."

"Hold on, I'll get you some medi-gel," Kaidan said. He was well aware that first aid wasn't necessary for a minor bruise, but he saw an excuse to fawn over John so he took it.

He rushed to the infirmary and grabbed a few medi-gel packs from Dr. Chakwas. He came back out and sat down next to John. He held up his shirt with one hand and tore the packs open with his teeth. The other hand was used to apply the gel onto John's hot skin. It felt so good to touch him, regardless of his squirming from the cool gel.

"Get a fucking room!" Jack snarled as she walked in.

Kaidan probably shouldn't have liked Jack, but he did. Like with Liara, he knew nothing was there between them even after her and John's little romp. There was also no heat behind her words. Others may have thought there was, but there wasn't. It was almost like she was giving her blessing. And honestly, he had her to thank for John's little confession.

"That should be healed up by the time we have to go planet-side. You think you'll live?" Kaidan teased as he pulled John's shirt back down. His fingers lingered on the hem for a moment before he let go.

"Never a doubt. I have a great medic," John said proudly.

"You flatter me! Come on, let's go prep our gear."

"On your six, Commander Alenko, sir!"

 _Spirits, I wish! What a tease!_ "No need to go all formal on me, it was just a few packs of medi-gel."

John let out a hearty laugh. "If you're gonna follow me into battle, you're gonna need a lot more than a few."

"Noted. Alright, let's move."

They dumped their trays and made their way to the elevator. Kaidan pressed the call button and the doors slid open immediately. They slipped inside, spun around, and Kaidan punched the button for the shuttle bay.

Suddenly, Kaidan's body went tingly. John had curled a hand around the back of his neck, his forearm resting along his spine. The contact felt so so good, the subtle movement of his thumb, the soft skin of his palm, the contrasting, calloused fingers. The heat.

"I didn't give myself the nickname the 'Scarecrow.' It was given to me during N training because I took the most risks and I took the most hits. But I was also the one who ended up getting the job done. The simulation was one thing, but I need you to know that it's gonna get crazy out there and I'm going to do things that you might think are stupid but I'll think are necessary," John explained with the most serious expression that Kaidan had ever seen from him.

"I know and I trust you. Besides, you have excellent backup."

"Yes, yes, I do," John winked.

The door opened and John's hand released its grip, his fingers trickling down Kaidan's back. A feather's touch, lightly tracing the line of knotted bone through the fabric, barely enough pressure for him to feel it. Innocent looking to anyone who noticed, but not to them, they both knew it was intentional.

And for now, that was enough.


	10. Battlefield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Battlefield flirting, battlefield action, battlefield blowjob.

_Maybe let me hold you baby_  
_Let me come over_  
_I will tell you secrets nobody knows_  
_I cannot overstate it_  
_I will be overjoyed_  
**_-Overjoyed, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

"Exposure to direct sunlight will damage your shields," EDI relayed upon the team's landing on Haestrom.

"That's just great. You know Garrus, if you wanted to take me some place sunny and warm, Earth has some incredible beaches I could've suggested," John smirked.

"I know you, John. If there's not a sun blowing up nearby, you don't wanna be there," he replied.

"Thanks, Garrus! You just gave me some great ideas for our next vacation spot," Kaidan chimed in. John shot him a cheeky grin. Most of it was obstructed by his helmet, but Kaidan could see the twinkle in those eyes of his.

"Oh yeah? Well, don't start planning the honeymoon just yet, kids. We've got Geth up ahead," Garrus snickered. "It's about damn time, too! I was beginning to think that Tali kept all the fun to herself."

"You two go high....up there," John instructed, pointing to a ramp on their right that led up to a second level ledge. "Pick them off. I'll draw their fire from down here. Keep moving forward and we'll regroup at the far side."

Kaidan really wanted to object to that. A Geth drop ship had just flooded the area with targets and he didn't want to be separated. John must have sensed his hesitation giving him a nod of encouragement. Kaidan had told him that he trusted him, and he did, so he was going to follow his orders. He was an N7 after all; he knew what he was doing.

He ran up the ramp behind Garrus to the second level. He took care of charging Geth while Garrus covered John from above. Their overloads came in handy and they pushed forward following John's lead. Geth by Geth, they gained more ground until they reached the other side of the hot zone.

"I really should have packed a higher SPF," John chuckled after a long dart through the searing radiation from the sun.

Kaidan watched through his hud interface as John's shields crashed before slowly rebuilding. John was right, this was much more intense than the simulations. But he had to stay focused, that's how they were going to make it out on the other side. No time for daydreams about battlefield kisses, he chided himself.

After clearing the area, they moved into a small corridor. They took out a couple of Geth who were engaged in a firefight with some Quarians but were too late to save them. John picked up one of their radios and made contact with a member of Tali's team. With conformation that they were heading in the right direction, they set out again into the blazing sun.

"Another drop ship! Wasn't that nice of our favorite Quarian to save some fun for us," Garrus hollered after dodging a Geth rocket.

"We need to push forward. We need those charges to get through that door. Kaidan, you take point, Garrus you do what you do best, and I'll make us some drinks," John chuckled.

"If you wanted to stare at our asses, you could've just asked, John," Garrus teased back.

"Shit, a Prime!" Kaidan yelled, interrupting their banter.

"Flank him," John ordered.

Kaidan and Garrus went wide to get better vantage points while John took him straight on. He hit it with an overload and emptied a clip into its head. The monster took down his barrier and was halfway through his shields when Garrus finally took him down with two rounds to the head from his sniper rifle after Kaidan laid into him with another overload.

"Much better than the beach," John smirked, catching his breath.

They collected the charges to blow through a hunk of rock that had fallen in front of the doorway. After fighting their way to the door through more Geth, John set the charges and detonated them.

"You just had to blow something up, didn't you John?" Garrus chuckled.

The three made their way through the first door and into a small room. John and Kaidan led the way through another door. It opened up into a bigger room carved out of the rock face. Before Garrus could make it through, the door slammed shut and the lock turned red.

"Shit! Garrus?" John called.

 _"John?"_ came Garrus' muffled voice. _"What the hell happened?"_

"We must have tripped something," he yelled back to Garrus. John fiddled with the lock for a few minutes before giving up. "Can you open this? I can't even get my Spectre codes to work. But your hacking skills are better than mine," he said to Kaidan.

"How do you know that?" he asked surprised.

"I told you, I did my research on you," he smirked.

"Yeah, you did. I guess I can try."

Kaidan brought up his omni-tool and attempted to unlock the door. After a few minutes, he let out a frustrated grunt of defeat. "If I had a better omni I might be able to hack it, but this thing is just not powerful enough for whatever Quarian lock this is. I think it's the age. The lock is ancient."

"Which explains why my codes won't work. You having any luck out there, Garrus? We can't seem to open it from here," John hollered.

_"I'm not a tech. I have no idea what I'm doing...probably making it worse."_

"EDI? Come in, EDI!" John radioed. "I'm not getting through to the ship. Garrus, can you contact the Normandy?"

_"Let me try. Just a sec....Okay, Jane's sending Mordin down to open the door. EDI said it'll be about twenty minutes...said not to blow anything else up."_

"No promises! Alright, just hang tight," John yelled. He popped off his helmet and turned toward Kaidan. The mischievous glint in his darkened eyes was unmistakable. Kaidan unlocked his helmet as fast as he could and let it fall from his hands. It landed on the ground with a loud thud.

He didn't care if it got scuffed up because John was kissing him again, with those lips and that tongue and gentle teeth nibbling on his bottom lip. _That's hot! I love you!_

John shucked off his gauntlets and smiled onto Kaidan's lips. Warm, sweaty hands burrowed themselves into his soft, black, sweaty hair. John moaned into his mouth. He answered with one of his own as he pulled John as close as he could, their armor clanking together, the sound echoing off the cold, stone walls.

"My armor's really tight! Is your armor tight?" Kaidan mumbled, nearly incoherent from lust.

"So tight, Kaidan!"

John walked him backwards, further into the room, until Kaidan's legs bumped into a table, the perfect height for him to sit upon without losing his slight height advantage over the other man. John had only pulled away once to shoot a half-dead Geth on the floor before taking Kaidan's lips back into his mouth and settling in between his parted legs.

"That was so fucking hot, John!"

"You're so fucking hot!"

"I want to touch you all the time, so bad, but I can't, and it drives me crazy. Wanna sleep in your bunk, wanna kiss you anytime I want, wanna fuck you in the shower!"

"I know, baby! I want you so bad too!"

"Yeah?"

"Gods yes! Honestly, I don't know how I keep myself from taking you on the mess table in front of everyone."

"Gardner would be so pissed," Kaidan chuckled.

"Don't really care about Gardner," John stated as he started kissing his neck.

"I keep dreaming about kissing you on the battlefield. Like every night," he admitted, leaning his head back, exposing his skin and submitting to John.

"I keep dreaming about something better than that," John purred, darkened eyes dripping with lust.

"Oh yeah? What would that be?" Kaidan asked, biting his lower lip seductively.

John let out a sultry growl and started kissing him again, hot and hard. His fingers fell to the locks on Kaidan's lower armor. He unfastened the latches around his waist and removed the piece that covered his groin. Kaidan let out a lustful groan when the cool air hit the fabric of his under armor. A warm hand countering the cold as John began to stroke his aching cock, only a thin layer of poly knit fibers between them.

John's mouth moved back down to Kaidan's neck, rough stubble grazing against rough stubble leaving an exhilarating burn on his skin. Kaidan bucked into his hand when teeth nibbled on his ear, a sexually charged chuckle ringing low and seductive in his ear.

"John!" he moaned. His head fell back as John moved over to his Adam's apple, a tongue tracing around the bobbing ball in his throat, before John sucked the knot of flesh into his mouth.

"As much as I want to hear you scream my name, and believe me I DO, Garrus is just outside. Mordin too, by now," John said, moving upward to his lips to kiss him again.

Kaidan nodded his understanding when he pulled away.

John removed Kaidan's gauntlets, the inconsequential gloves discarded haphazardly onto the floor. Kaidan's hands shot up to skim over John's scalp, the soft prickle of buzzcut hair like velvet under his palms.

"I've been dying to do that," Kaidan said with a brilliant smile.

"I've been dying to do this," John countered, lowering himself to his knees.

Kaidan's breathing shallowed. He had too, for weeks now, maybe his whole life. It wasn't the most romantic place to consummate their relationship, but it suited them. A trail of dead Geth behind them, more up ahead, a mission to save a friend. But for now, they were alone and they were together. That was the most important thing.

It was until John's mouth enveloped his cock. Then, _that_ was the most important thing. Ever.

John's mouth felt so good. His slick, yet slightly rough tongue gliding along his sensitive skin, a hand delicately messaging the base of his penis, soft lips inching further and further down his shaft warming him and sending a familiar heat up into the pit of his stomach. But this was better than familiar, this was paradise, heavenly, where he had always belonged, would always belong.

John teasingly swirled his tongue over the head and Kaidan could've come from the sight of that alone, but he didn't, he wouldn't. John took him back into his mouth and sped up, swallowing more of him, the friction increasing and the pleasure along with it. Those blues eyes never leaving his, not for a second. The curve of his throat embracing him so perfectly that they must have been made for each other.

Kaidan tried not to buck his hips, tried not to pull him closer with his hands, tried not to be greedy or impatient, but it was getting more and more difficult. He had to bite his lip to keep from screaming John's name even though he wanted to so badly. But now was not the time for that.

He was so hard, John's mouth was so soft, and their armor was so constricting and in the way. He wanted to feel John's body on his: the goosebumps, every tiny shiver, every muscle twitch. He wanted to hook his legs over John's shoulders, wanted to be so much closer, to be inside John's skin, inside his soul.

The pressure within him was building. He was losing control. It had been far too long since he'd been with anyone. The time that he'd spent waiting to get John alone seemed even longer. He didn't want it to end, not so soon, they had only gotten started. But the man was driving him wild! The adrenaline and the fact that they didn't have much time didn't help either.

A moan escaped him, but he had to bit his lip to stifle a scream as a wave of euphoria smashed into him. There was no warning for either of them. Kaidan's body seized, the dam breaking, as he spilled himself deep inside John's throat. He felt horrible about the surprise, but John didn't seem to mind, happily swallowing everything Kaidan gave him with a hum of satisfaction, of pride even.

He watched as John slid his lips up and down his cock one last time before releasing him with a soft pop that dissolved that perfect suction. John licked his swollen lips, his breathing heavy, and tucked Kaidan back inside his under armor. He looked up at him, a smug smile on his face, one brow arched, almost daring Kaidan to have had better, but he truly hadn't.

"I love you," Kaidan said, his hands falling from the back of John's head to cup his face.

"I love you, too," he replied, his smug smile turning into one of warmth and affection as he leaned into the touch.

John stood back up and gave Kaidan a long drawn-out, slow, sensual kiss. Haestrom-shattering really, but what wasn't with him, with them? Afterwards, he refastened Kaidan's armor then gathered their gauntlets and helmets and sat them on the table next to them, within arm's reach for when Garrus got through the door.

Kaidan was still in a daze, his body bathed in a delicious cocktail of post-sex hormones, contentment, and love. John's arms snaked around his hips, the soft clink of armor-on-armor a welcomed sound when he leaned in for another kiss, soft and sweet.

So tender and selfless was this man of his, were those hands of his, were those lips and those eyes and his spirit, his whole being. He loved it, he loved him, he wanted more, he wanted everything. Always.

"I want to kiss you like that everyday," John's words confessed to him, but his eyes told the truth. It wasn't a confession, it was a promise.

_Always._

"Me too....but something's been bugging me," Kaidan said hesitantly.

"Oh, yeah, and what's that?" John ask, quirking a brow.

"I know why you're the Scarecrow now, but why do you call me the Tin Man?"

John blushed, "Uh, isn't it obvious?"

Kaidan shook his head and worried his bottom lip. He had no idea what was supposed to be so obvious. That wasn't saying much, he was nearly clueless in relationships. And sometimes, at reading people.

"It's so lame, Alenko! It's because....I can't believe I'm gonna say this..."

"Is it because you don't think I have a heart? Because of Jane?" He really thought that was it, from the first time John called him that and every time since.

"What?! Hell no, of course not!" John insisted, wrinkling his brow. "Nothing like that at all. That's what you thought? No, Kaidan that's not....Come here you." John pulled him close and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead then burrowed his face into Kaidan's neck.

"Well, spill already," Kaidan said, leaning back to look John in the eye.

"'It's...it's because I want to give you my heart. Well, I kind of already have, or maybe you stole it. Either way, you have a heart. You have mine, and you'll never be without it," he explained. "And that sounded so ridiculous because I have absolutely no game whatsoever!"

Kaidan chuckled as he shook his head. "I think it sounded pretty amazing actually."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I love you, Kaidan Alenko! You're so fucking beautiful! And I'm gonna tell you that every damn day!"

"I love you, too! And I'm gonna tell _you_ that every damn day!"

Before he knew it, they were kissing again like they weren't in the middle of a Geth battlefield or at war with the Collectors and the Reapers. There was only them. Kaidan was just about to tear John's armor off and reciprocate when....

The sound of the door lock disengaging sent them scattering to opposite sides of the room. John went over to a console on the wall while Kaidan searched around for anything that could be salvaged. Neither looked when the door behind them swooshed open.

"Did you guys miss me?" Garrus asked playfully.

"Like a bad cold," John shot back.

"Thanks, Mordin. Sure you don't want to stick around? He might not look like much, but John finds the best fights," Garrus told the Salarian.

"Hey!" John hollered in jest.

"I cannot. Must get back to the ship. Left centrifuge on, need to record data. Next time," Mordin replied before hurrying back out the door.

The console John was fiddling with came to life and a comm from Tali popped up. John introduced himself while Kaidan and Garrus snickering behind him at her surprise that Jane had a brother. After she had informed them of her mission, the team continued their push towards her location.

Immediately upon exiting the cave-like room, they were attacked by Geth drones. John took point, pushing ahead further into the stone compound. They would take down a few Geth troops but more kept coming. The heavy sound of bullets flying and shields overheating and overloading were almost enough to drowned out the crackling of John's armor when a round pierced it.

"Ah shit, I'm hit," John groaned.

"Only in the arm, you'll be fine," Kaidan assured him. It was more for himself than for John. His hud had flashed as soon as his armor was breeched, and he was already in route to his location.

"Good thing you're prepared, K."

"And here I though you were the boy scout, John."

Garrus covered them while Kaidan slid behind the crate John had been crouching behind. He dropped down beside him and pumped some medi-gel into the whole in his armor. He dispensed some stims into his suit and ran a scan of his vitals.

"Clear shot through the muscle, but not all the way through. Which means—"

"A trip to the med-bay so the Doc can dig around in my bicep for trophies? Sounds like fun!"

"If you're good Chakwas might give you a Blasto bandage. Need me to hold your hand?"

"Yes," John nearly giggled.

"I think the stims are working," Kaidan said, amused.

"Hate to interrupt your date planning you two, but I need a little help here!" Garrus hollered.

Kaidan bumped their helmets together before ducking out of cover and resuming the fight. John followed suit. It didn't take long after that for them to clear out the rest of the Geth. They passed through another room and met up with Kal'Reegar, the last remaining member of Tali's team.

The next thing Kaidan knew, they were squaring down with an army of Geth and a self-repairing Colossus, rockets and bullets whizzing by their heads. They spread out to thin the Geth troops and push them back. Then, they turned their attention to the Colossus blocking their path.

"John, you should probably leave the big guy to us. We've faced a few before," Garrus teased before popping out of cover and landing a hit on the hulking machine.

"I'm not a rookie, Garrus. I ran so many of those assholes off the road on Noveria that I lost count."

"You don't say!"

"I had a Mako then, but it still counts."

"Took some out on Virmire like that," Kaidan added.

"Oh yeah? I took one out on foot on Therum. That was before Noveria. There, I was alone against dozens plus heat seeking missiles in a blizzard."

"Yeah, yeah. And I bet you had to walk ten miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways," Kaidan chuckled.

"Ouch that stings, Alenko! Guess that means you don't want to hear the tale about John Shepard versus the brainwashed Rachni? Just as well, I don't like to brag."

"Since when?" Garrus quipped.

"Fair enough."

"Are you people always like this when you're facing certain death?" asked Kal'Reegar from behind cover.

"What do you mean 'certain death'? I plan on living through this," John answered. "But he's got a point. If that thing keeps recharging, this could take all day."

"You have other plans?" Garrus asked.

"I got a hot date in the infirmary," he boasted, flashing Kaidan a heated look. "Just keep laying into it. I'll see if I can sneak around back."

The last Kaidan saw of him was John reaching for his heavy weapon. He and Garrus kept up the pressure trying their damnedest to keep the thing from regenerating its shields until John could do something, anything, to stop it. They didn't have to wait long. Several loud bangs later and the thing was ripped apart at the seams, bolts and shrapnel flying every which way.

Kaidan's hud started flashing red, his field medic interface alerting him to a new puncture in John's armor. He didn't have the sense to scan for where the breach was, didn't have the courage. _Lion._ He cursed internally, had to get to John, had to stop the bleeding, had to protect him.

"John?!" he yelled. It came out a little more desperate than he would have liked to admit.

When Kaidan rounded a pillar and laid eyes on him again, he let out a sigh of relief. John was sitting on a boulder, his helmet off, a big cocky grin on his face, and a jagged piece of metal jetting out of the armor on his thigh.

"Hey, Tin Man! Gonna need some more of that medi-gel you promised me," he winced.

Kaidan ran to him, scans in progress. "It's—"

"In the bone? Yeah, I can feel it," he groaned.

"Gonna have to pull it out..." Kaidan said, whipping off his helmet.

"Way to kill the mood," John smirked, a forced smile hiding a grimace.

"I'll make it up to you," Kaidan promised with a soft kiss.

"You were wrong about the snow, Alenko...Mindoir didn't have any..."

"I'll remember that," he said, pulling out the metal while John was distracted. He patched him up with some more medi-gel and helped him to his feet. He hooked John's arm around his neck and his hand around John's hip. Not that he needed any help, Kaidan just wanted to be close to him. He was certain that the feeling was mutual from the pleased look on the other man's gorgeous face.

They joined Garrus who was working on the door behind them, giving them some space from the knowing smirk on his face. It opened and they walked into a small room. Tali greeted them with exhaustion before John commed the Normandy for their pick up. They were all beyond ready to get the hell off that planet.


	11. Eight Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan get their date in the med-bay. Loyalty missions.

_The smile on your face like summer_  
_The way that your hand keeps touching mine_  
_Let me be the one to make it right_  
_And maybe, maybe let me hold you_  
_**-Overjoyed, Matchbox Twenty** _

* * *

 

When they exited the shuttle on their return from Haestrom, Kaidan helped John out of his armor before stripping out of his own. Jane had come down to greet Tali. She told Kaidan to get John to the med-bay then left with Garrus and Tali for the conference room.

Kaidan didn't mind. He helped John up and wrapped a steady arm around him. Not that he needed help, N7's and shattered bones were synonymous. But there was no way he could resist the chance to feel his hot, hard body on his, separated only by two thin layers of under armor.

They hobbled to the elevator—John having put an arm around him too—and stepped inside. The ride up was quiet. Kaidan was torn between wanting to hack the elevator and cut the feed so he could take him right there versus the need to get him to the infirmary so he could get fixed up. The later won out, but just barely.

The thrill of getting out alive, the battlefield blowjob, the overflow of adrenaline, and his sheer want for the man next to him had his head all dizzy and feverish. The scent of him, the feel of him so close knowing they were all alone, made him ache to have more of him. It brought him physical pain to have to resist, to deny, to fight every instinct in his body and that gnawing voice in his brain that screamed, _'Kiss him!'_

But he managed to resist...this time.

The door slid open and they hobbled back out. Dr. Chakwas had already been informed that they were heading up and was waiting in the doorway to the med-bay. She started to walk towards them, but stopped herself. Kaidan saw her hesitate and met her eyes.

_She knows..._

That made three: Jack, Garrus, and Karin. That was three too many on a small ship of twenty or so. But for some reason, he trusted them all with their secret. Jane was smart. If they noticed, chances were, she would too. He just hoped that she was too busy at the moment to do so anytime soon. Either way, it was only a matter of time.

He thought about how that conversation was going to go. Would there be yelling, punching, bullets, knives? John had biotics, the advantage, but he'd never use them on her. Even if she had him on the ropes, even if it meant the difference between her life and his, he'd never use them.

Maybe Garrus would soften the blow. He seemed to be on their side. As much as he could be under the circumstances. He hadn't mentioned how progress was going with Jane, but Kaidan didn't take him as the kind to kiss and tell. He was going to stick with 'no news was good news.'

The Doc did help him get John onto the exam table. She let Kaidan take off his under armor as she shot him an approving look. Everything was already set out in preparation. Her assistant helped her on with a gown while she washed up before prepping John's arm for surgery.

"You may not want to watch this," she told Kaidan softly.

"I can't just leave him," he replied with worry.

"Don't kick 'em out Doc. He promised t' hold my hand," John interjected. A goofy drug-induced smile played on his lips as he reached for Kaidan.

"I'm not, I just needed him to know," she reassured them both.

"Been through worse....There's also mention o' a Blast bandage, but tha' could be th' drugs talkin'," he slurred.

"Only if you're good," Kaidan teased, squeezing his hand.

The surgery to retrieve the bullet lodged in his arm went smoothy. An hour in the bone knitter for his shattered leg, and he was almost good to go. The Doc was determined to confine him to the med-bay for a few days for observation citing something about N7's and their notoriety to push too hard too fast.

Kaidan had showered and brought him a clean change of clothes after the surgery along with a few datapads loaded with books. He sat around talking with Karin for awhile, catching up, while John slept. About an hour or so later, Jane came down for an update.

"How's he doing, Doc?" she asked.

"He'll be fine. I'm sure he's had worse," Karin replied.

"A lot worse. How are you holding up, Kaidan?"

"Tired," he said with a yawn. "I think I feel a migraine trying to creep up. I haven't used my biotics that much in a few months. Guess I overdid it."

"You are welcome to take the other exam table. I'm sure it'll be more quiet than the crew quarters," Dr. Chakwas said.

"Till John wakes up," Jane joked.

"I might do that, thanks," Kaidan said, ignoring Jane's comment.

"We just received word on the location of a derelict Collector ship. We're in route as we speak. I was hoping John would be up for going with me, but from the look you're giving me, Karin, I sense that's not gonna happen. And from the squint in your eyes, K, you're out too."

"Sorry about that, Commander."

"Would you stop it with that 'Commander' bullshit? It's Jane, remember? Shepard if that's too much. Ugh, just feel better, okay? May need you pulling our asses out of the fire."

"Always got your back."

"Yeah, yeah...just...keep an eye on him, will ya? I can tell you two are close. He doesn't have time for many friends, but you're a good one, Kaidan."

"Yeah, we're close," Kaidan simply stated.

"I know. I always thought you two would get along. Hell, in another lifetime, you two might have even hooked up. If he'd met you first maybe. John's never really been with anyone before, though. Couldn't think he'd start now. What am I saying? You already got someone. And he wouldn't do that to me again; he knows I'd have to kill 'em this time."

Kaidan didn't have any words. He forced a smile that he hoped she would blame on his migraine. What did she mean 'again'? The word kept swirling around in his head. Had John fallen in love with another one of her boyfriends? Stole one? Maybe that's his type, Jane's boyfriends. Maybe they just had the same taste in men. That's a twin thing, right?

He was getting confused again, a little nugget of doubt working its way into his subconscious. What if John didn't really like him? What if he only wanted him because Jane had him? No, that didn't sound like him. He knew John. Maybe. Maybe he knew him. They had only known each other for a month now. That wasn't long at all. Wasn't long enough to be in love or to really know someone. Not really.

But he did! He did know John. He knew what kind of man he was, what kind of soldier and friend he was, what kind of brother. A good one, a great one even. He had a good soul, one made out of gold, Kaidan knew that to be true. It was like a feeling, his instincts. John loved him, and Kaidan loved him right back. There was no room for doubt about that.

He was getting carried away with his insecurities for no good reason. He just wasn't used to being loved was all. But he could get used to it; he could get used to John doing it. He needed to get used to it before he did something stupid and ruined it like he was trying to do now. Although, 'trying' was the wrong word. He didn't try, it usually just happened.

That man needed to wake up already so they could talk about it. It didn't matter, _it_ was nothing. She could've been messing with him or something. Maybe Garrus told her about them. No, she would have tried to kill John like she said. Whatever that 'again' was about, John had a good explanation. He was sure of it.

As soon as Jane left, he laid down on the other exam table like the Doc suggested. He wanted to be on John's, but that could have aggravated his injuries. And then there were the big glass windows and all-seeing AI.

Dr. Chakwas dimmed the lights and told him to get some rest. It had been a long day, a good day all things considered, and his head was starting to pound. She administered his meds, checked John's vitals, and went to dinner in the mess. He was asleep by the time she got back.

He woke up a few hours later with gentle fingers threading through his hair, a crocked smile and brilliant blue eyes staring down at him in the dim lights.

"How you feeling? Doc said you have a migraine," John said soft and low, his smile turning empathetic.

"Not too bad. You look better."

"I didn't get too crazy under the anesthesia, did I? Sometimes I react weird to that stuff."

"Just stuff about Blasto bandages. Doc didn't have any though. I'll have to pick you some up in the next port," Kaidan teased.

"You're so good to me," John replied with a wink.

"That's the idea."

"I'm gonna go make you some tea. Can you eat?" John went to got up to leave but Kaidan grabbed his arm.

"I need to ask you something first...Jane came to check on you and she said something...."

John eyed him skeptically, lips pursed.

"Well, she said if we had met first, you and I, we'd probably be together....in another life anyway because she said that you wouldn't do that to her....'again'," Kaidan said, the look of worry on his face clear as day.

"And you're worried I do that all the time? Going around stealing my sister's...boyfriends?"

"No, you're a good man. I know that you don't. It just got me thinking is all."

"His name was Ben and I didn't steal him. We were like fifteen or something and this guy started hanging around her all the time. They dated as much as one could on Mindoir before he moved on to me. The truth was that he didn't like her at all, he was just using her to get to me. When I found out, I dumped his ass.

"Probably shouldn't have wasted my time with him anyway, either of us. I was young and stupid and he was the first guy to come around showing me any sort of attention. I don't think she'll ever be over it, though. She likes to rub it in my face because it's the only time I ever did anything that she disapproved of, that went against her. And sure, maybe I did it a little bit to spite her, but this.....it's not the same. This....it....we....we're something else."

"Yeah, I know," Kaidan agreed, both of their voices going low. Kaidan wanted to kiss him so damn bad. And he knew John did too because his eyes kept flickering down to his lips before he let out a frustrated grunt. Kaidan let out one of his own in reply.

"Alright, I'm gonna go get you some tea."

Kaidan watched him walk away, a content smirk on his face. He berated himself a bit for doubting John and for thinking that he was capable of doing something like that intentionally. There may have been a little jealousy there too, wanting what they had to be special and different, not something he did all the time. But all doubt was squashed when John smiled at him with those loving eyes of his.

John brought him some tea and crackers which he scarfed down quickly. Then, he went back to his own exam table and laid down. They talked about kicking Geth ass on Haestrom for awhile before Kaidan started telling him a little more about Tali since the two hadn't had much time to get to know each other yet.

After that, the nausea hit. John moved toward him in a flash, even on his sore leg, to comfort him when he starting getting sick. He rubbed Kaidan's back as he heaved into a trash bin. It wasn't exactly his best moment, not a way he wanted John to ever have to see him, but he was glad he was there to hold him a little.

He would have liked more contact between them but that wasn't an option at the time. He only hoped that it was as difficult for John to keep the 'respectful' distance between them as it was for him. From the sideways smirk he got, he figured that it was.

They both spent the next day and night in the med-bay. John could have left if he wanted to, but Doc said she wanted to observe him one more night. She smirked at him and then at Kaidan who was still a little groggy from his meds. Even so, Kaidan could see the moment John figured out that the Doctor knew about them because he blushed.

The next several days went by like usual. Jane took Garrus and Miranda with her to the Collector ship. Kaidan could tell John tensed when they got ambushed. He was itching to be out there with them, protecting them. They returned safe and Jane set a course for Tuchanka to help Grunt out with his Rite of Passage.

Naturally, he picked John and Kaidan to go with him. Never would Kaidan have guessed he'd ever be on the Krogan homeworld. Let alone taking down a thresher maw on foot with his lover—soon-to-be-lover?—and their Krogan surrogate son. It was an odd day. Jane went out with Mordin the next day on some covert mission regarding what he suspected was the Genophage.

After that, they did some running around the galaxy helping out the rest of the crew with personal things. Things Jane and John both thought should be settled before they headed through the Omega-4 Relay like they were planning to do; their suicide mission as it were. Kaidan didn't like when they referred to it as such. He didn't like the idea of losing John after having lost Jane. It wouldn't have been fair.

Jack had chosen them to help her with the mission to blow up her childhood 'home'. She spent the whole time teasing them about how blind they had been in the beginning, John getting the brunt of it. She was sure not to cross the line though, keeping all the 'fucking in an alley' cracks to herself.

Kaidan wasn't jealous. That surprised him because he was kind of a jealous guy, but walking through the place she grew up, he couldn't begrudge them their friendship with each other. Her and John had a bond. He was just glad that she chose to let him in as well. She could've asked Jane to come along; they were close, too.

When they brought the Geth onboard, not surprisingly it was John who reactivated it. Legion was its name. John had nearly said the exact same thing to Jane as he did before they let out Grunt. The first time, he thought Jane had really been ignoring him. Like maybe she thought that if she didn't acknowledge him, he wouldn't do it.

That was far from the truth. She knew what she was doing by not answering him when he said he was going to do something crazy. She knew he would do what he said he would and biting her tongue was her way of saying yes to him without having to say yes, without having to commit in case it went sideways. She was giving herself an out, and condemning him to the consequences.

From what he knew of their relationship, that's how it always went. John doing the things that needed to be done and her taking the glory for the good and leaving him hanging when things went wrong. But what else was John going to do? Throw his sister to the wolves? He was too good of a man to do that. He'd take the hit if it meant protecting her.

And it ate Kaidan up inside that she wouldn't have done the same for John. It only made him love him more. Jane wasn't a bad person, not really, it was just that John was a saint in comparison. Of course, he was biased now, but Jane dying, Horizon, meeting John, those were the best things that had ever happened to him. The more he learned about John, the more he knew that was true.

After picking up Legion and the Reaper IFF, Jane thought it best to take one last trip to the Citadel. She was determined to give everyone a little shore leave before they all went to their potential deaths. The entire crew was looking forward to having three days off.

It had been about seven weeks since John and Kaidan came aboard the Normandy. Eight weeks since they met, eight weeks of patient longing that Kaidan was so ready to have over with. He needed three long days with him tucked away from the rest of the galaxy. They deserved that.

He didn't exactly know how they were going to work it out though. They couldn't exactly leave the ship together, and they would need cover stories which they hadn't had time to collaborate on. He had never done any sneaking around behind a CO's, an ex-girlfriend's, back before. Unless you want to count the time he snuck around with Jane, but that seemed different. The stakes were higher this time.

The day before they docked, Kaidan received a message from no one. There was no sender, but he knew it was from John. He didn't know how he did it, but he knew it was from him. It had a time for him to depart the ship, a location that he was to go to, and a mission brief for him to give to Jane that said he'd be in meetings for some assignment he had done before she came back from the dead.

It was kind of elaborate, and if he hadn't known it was from John, he would've thought the meetings were actually real. John's cover was a lot less official. He told everyone he was going to join up with some N7 buddies and not to leave the Citadel without him. Then, he left.

Kaidan wasn't set to leave until an hour later. He got in a shuttle to go to the coordinates, but just as he was pulling up to the building he was instructed to go to, he was sent another message with the actual address in it. Damn, that John Shepard was crafty.

To be honest, he thought John was having fun with him. Surely, he could have pulled off a cover where he was going to meet some mystery person on the Citadel that he'd recently met. Mostly because it was true. Instead, John had sent him on a wild goose chase. It was rather thrilling, if he had to admit it.

When he got to the actual destination, he started to sweat. He'd never been so nervous in his life. He was about to make love for the first time—and all weekend long—to the man he had somewhere within the past eight weeks decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

And he had the ring in his pocket to prove it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have no idea where that last sentence came from!!!


	12. Hard Lines and Metal Rings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan get engaged, then finally bang!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in John's pov. 
> 
> Yummy smut warning! Enjoy!

_Feeling my hands start shaking_  
_Hearing your voice, I'm overjoyed_  
_I'm sorry but I have no choice_  
_You're only getting better._  
**_-Overjoyed, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**John**

John was best friends with the Shadow Broker. When Jane and Kaidan were fighting on Horizon, he was busy taking down the old Shadow Broker and 'gifting' the title, network, and resources to Liara. Truth was, she was the only one he would've ever trusted with such power.

Lucky for him, it came with perks. His most recent discovery was the ability to send messages to anyone he wanted without them being traced back to him. When Jane told him that they were heading to the Citadel for three days of shore leave, he set a plan in motion to spend every second of it locked away with Kaidan, and that trick was going to help him do it.

Forging military documents was never something he thought he'd be comfortable with, but he did it anyway. It wasn't for espionage and it wouldn't be putting anyone in danger....except maybe Kaidan....but they would figure out a safe word before it came to that.

He gave himself a head start so he could get the place ready. When he decided that an hour wasn't going to be long enough, he tacked on the fake location for an extra thirty minutes. That would give him ninety minutes to pick up the necessary supplies: food so they wouldn't have to leave, the flowers that he was going to decorate the room with, a few candles, and most importantly, lots and lots of lube.

He had left the ship in his civvies and still had everything on minus his leather jacket because the nerves were making him sweat and the room was sweltering, or maybe that was just him. He put the food in the small kitchen in the apartment he was borrowing from a friend, and then went to work setting up the place.

Honestly, he had no idea what he was doing because he didn't have a lot of experience with romance. He bought way too many flowers and spent twenty minutes sending up silent prayers to the Spirits that Kaidan didn't have any allergies while he situated them. He wasn't a decorator, he was a soldier, so it probably looked like hell despite his best efforts. After that, he almost set off the fire alarm when he dropped a lit candle with his shaky, sweaty hands.

And he had no idea what to do with the copious amounts of lube he bought that on second thought made him look like some sort of sex addict. The poor girl at the kiosk couldn't even look him in the eye. He didn't want to presume anything, but he'd been waiting almost two months for Kaidan and he had every intention on making love to him for most of the seventy-two hours that they had alone together.

The only thing he forgot was the wine. He had intended on getting the good stuff that they had drank at Anderson's place, but the little shop on the corner didn't have hundred credit bottles. He had to go with a few ten credit ones with the hope that Kaidan wouldn't read into the cheapness of it.

Now, all that was left to do was to wait for Kaidan, who by his calculations, was set to arrive five minutes after he got back from buying the wine. He couldn't get comfortable just sitting there. He stood a few times and paced the floor. His skin was crawling, his palms were sweaty, and he had no idea when exactly would be the best time to 'pop the question.'

Should he do it before? Before they made love, before their hormones got all sexed up and in the way? He was so going to cry. Liara said he was going to cry, and he didn't believe her, but he did now. Or should he wait until somewhere in the middle after he was sure Kaidan wasn't going leave him because of the excess lube fiasco?

Maybe he should wait until the end. Except they might be too excited when they got back to the ship to keep it to themselves. He didn't feel like dying at the hands of his sister on the same day he got engaged. _Engaged._ What if Kaidan said 'no'? He hadn't even considered that.

_Oh shit! It's too soon! Two months? That's too fast! He's totally gonna say no! ABORT!_

There was a knock on the door that forced him out of his self-doubts. It was Kaidan. He knew that before he opened it, and he was right on time. He didn't even get a chance to say 'hey' or 'hello' or one of the smooth lines that he had practiced in his head: 'Do biotics run hot or is it just you?' It was probably better that way.

Kaidan attacked his mouth like it was the last glass of water in the desert; thirsty, greedy, possessive. John whimpered onto his lips because that was the only sound his mouth would let him make as those hands crept around his neck and down his shoulder blades. They hovered over the small of his back before they grabbed handfuls of fabric and practically ripped the shirt right off John's body.

"I want to fuck you," Kaidan panted, his voice so low that John thought he was going to die right there of pure desire. He'd never wanted anything so badly in his entire life. And he wanted it forever.

Kaidan worked his way along John's jawline that he made sure to shave before the other man arrived. Then, those lips were on his neck trailing sweet kisses down to his pulse point where he whimpered again when teeth gave him a soft nibble. Kaidan pulled away long enough to whisper the question into his ear since John hadn't responded when it was a statement.

"Can I fuck you?"

John had no idea what to say. Mostly because Kaidan was good at reducing him to goo and he was sure that his mouth wasn't in proper working order, but also because his mind was swimming in so many emotions that he couldn't concentrate on anything but holding them all in.

"John?" Kaidan asked, voice still low but now full of worry. He even pulled back to look him in the eye.

That's when John felt the tears roll down his cheeks. He immediately started berating himself because John Shepard wasn't a damn crybaby, but this was the second time in less than two months that he had fallen apart in front of Kaidan. Yet, the man still came and he wasn't running away just yet.

He didn't want to have to cry a second time this weekend so he just bit the bullet and said the only thing that he thought might make the whole situation better. Of course, if he misjudged, it would only get worse. Even so, it was better to get it over with instead of dragging out the inevitable. Because even if Kaidan said no, at least he'd know.

"Will you marry me?" John whispered, unsure and wary.

It wasn't anywhere near the speech he had been preparing, but nothing he had practiced came to mind. At least he got the words in the right order. Although, he didn't have the mind to fetch the ring from his pocket. He could only hope that words would be enough, that he would be enough.

The next thing he knew, Kaidan was crying and holding up a ring. That only confused him because he reached in his pocket and felt the one he had brought. But the one he was holding and the one Kaidan was holding were not the same ones. Even then, he still didn't get it. His mind was too far gone, it seemed.

"Only if you'll marry me," Kaidan said, husky and sweet.

That was when John kissed him, good and proper, a deep kiss, all soft mouths and silken lips, hands gripping hard lines and metal rings, a promise that Kaidan was all he'd ever need. Kaidan kissed him back, the answer to his question. He didn't know how or when they exchanged rings, but they did.

"I had a speech," he told Kaidan, finally pulling back for air.

"Me too. Something about how I've loved you since the second I saw you, and if I thought about it hard enough, that was also the second I knew I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you," Kaidan confessed.

"And how we haven't even slept together yet but I know you're already the best I've ever had," John said. "The best I'm ever gonna have and that I don't deserve someone as incredible as you. Or how my sister is gonna hate us, but I know everything is gonna be okay as long as I have you by my side."

Kaidan nodded with a sniffle, "And that I love you more than I could have ever thought possible, that I'm gonna try to show you just how much everyday even though that won't be possible, and that I know they'll be hard times too but that we'll get through them together."

"I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night and wake up to your beautiful face every morning for the rest of my life...and eventually in the same bunk," John chuckled.

"Yeah, that'll be nice!"

"I love you, Kaidan Alenko!"

"I love you too, John Shepard!"

"I'm gonna make love to you now."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, and yeah you can fuck me....anytime you want."

"We're never gonna leave this apartment," Kaidan purred.

"I stocked the fridge," John assured him.

"I meant like ever!"

"I bought a lot of lube."

"I love you so much!"

"Love you too!"

John kissed him again, as passionately as he could, and he didn't stop until he was dizzy from lack of oxygen. Breathing wasn't important anymore, only kissing Kaidan was. That would be the most important thing he ever did, would ever do. He loved him so much that he was sure his heart was going to burst any second.

He grabbed Kaidan's shirt and pulled it free of his pants. Four hands reached for the hem and stripped it off his body. Belts went next as they multitasked, kicking and toeing off their boots, mouths staying pressed together sloppily but as much as possible. Then, they were stepping out of their pants after they fell to the floor.

John walked him backwards to the couch. He smiled when Kaidan's hands dove into his briefs to squeeze his ass, pulling their hips flush, their erections pressed together between them. And fuck that felt good! John smiled again at the fact that only two thin layers of fabric separated their cocks. That quickly turned into zero when Kaidan pulled down the waistbands of their underwear, letting the Citadel's artificial gravity due the rest.

He moaned when Kaidan started trailing kisses down his neck again, savoring every single one like there would never be another. He tilted his head to the side, giving supple lips as much room to maneuver as possible. One of his hands was on Kaidan's ass, squeezing the way he was, pulling him in, the other was threaded through his shimmering black hair.

Kaidan continued downward, a little bite on his collarbone as he passed. He softly drew circles with his tongue around one of John's nipples before sucking it into his mouth and working it over with his teeth. He shot a lust-filled smile up to him then repeated the same thing with the other as John's body trembled under his touch.

Kaidan had never looked more beautiful. John gentle caressed his cheek with the back of his hand. Those honey eyes, sticky and sweet, met his, love radiating from them and flowing directly into his heart. John didn't believe in soul mates, but he knew that Kaidan was the closest he would ever get to one. He was perfectly imperfect. And he was his.

His breath shallowed when Kaidan went back to work on his pecks, worshipping and bathing his body with kisses, hands falling to rest lightly on his hips. Kaidan sat down and continued his trek, passing over John's abs, a tongue tracing the line in the center, delving down a thin swatch of hair like it was a roadmap to nirvana.

John's pupils were so blown out that Kaidan would have never been able to tell his eyes were blue if he hadn't already known. He took in a swift, thick breath when Kaidan's hand wrapped around the base of his fully erect penis. And another when his lips engulfed the head, a warm, wet heat spreading rapidly over his entire body radiating out from the singular juncture that linked them.

The pressure was light at first, Kaidan's tongue barely touching him as he delicately traced circles around the tip. A shallow bob had him moaning Kaidan's name, Kaidan humming his reply onto his shaft which pulled another whimper from John's dry lips. Desperate, so desperate.

Kaidan went further along the second time, sucking him down the hollow of his throat, the head tightly compressed as he swallowed hungrily. His free hand left John's hip to cup his balls, cradling and kneading with increasing pressure until he was unintentionally plowing into Kaidan's mouth.

"Sorry," John said with a giddy laugh, hands combing through silken obsidian hair lazily. "You're so perfect," he praised, "So beautiful!"

Kaidan's lips twisted up stiffly as he hummed a chuckle onto his cock, never breaking the steady rhythm he had established. With every stroke, he took John deeper into his mouth, all the way down the length till lips were brushing against a pillow of dark hair around the base. A quick retreat, a quick breath, and he plunged forward again and again.

John's hands fisted in his hair, knuckles white as he held on tight, careful not to pull because he was nowhere near ready for their first time to be over. In the end, he had to pull him in the opposite direction, but only enough for Kaidan to release. It felt too good and he was so close. But what he really needed now was for Kaidan to be inside him.

He nudged Kaidan back onto the couch as he reached for a strategically placed bottle under a cushion. "Wasn't lying about all the lube," he smirked. He popped open the top and held it out. He didn't have to speak, Kaidan read his thoughts and held out his hand. John seductively bit his lip and poured some onto the older man's outstretched fingers.

That's when their brainwaves got crossed because John was expecting him to lube up his cock but Kaidan leaned forward and pressed the tip of his finger against John's entrance. And by the wicked smile he had on his lips, John knew the signals hadn't been crossed at all. Kaidan knew what he was expecting and chose to keep him on his toes. He'd never been more turned on in his life.

But he couldn't think about that now because Kaidan was pressing in an eager finger to prepare him, and when he hit John's prostate, all thoughts ceased and there was only white hot pleasure. A second quickly joined the first as Kaidan drove them in deeper. He kissed John's hipbones, nipping sporadically as fingers worked to stretch him open, a hot tongue licking random trails down the contours of his shaft at a teasingly slow pace.

"I swear to the Spirits, Kaidan, you are so fucking perfect!"

Kaidan's response was a hard suck on the tip of his cock that had him gasping, eyes rolling back in his head.

John pushed him away when he could no longer stand it. He squirted more lube onto Kaidan's fingers and watched intently with coveting eyes as he worked himself over. Then, Kaidan reached for his thighs to pull him forward. John kneeled above him on the couch, hands on his shoulders rubbing soothing patterns on his fiancé's skin with his thumbs. Kaidan's hand gently parted his cheeks as he slowly lowered himself down onto his waiting cock.

It felt better than amazing: being filled, being so fucking close to this man after having to wait so damn long, their bodies being fitted together like a key to a lock. He leaned forward and captured Kaidan's lips for an impassioned kiss. Other than that, they didn't move at first, John adjusting and reveling in the sensations of having this man inside him for the very first time, muscles quivering as pulses of pleasure coursed through them.

"I fucking love you so much!"

"I fucking love you too!"

John slowly began to rock his hips, Kaidan's teeth scrapping along his jawline, his hands holding John's thighs, blunt nails piercing into his flesh, fingers digging in so deep he knew there would be bruises as Kaidan finally marked him as his own, claiming his body as his and his alone.

His hard length was trapped between them, the ripples of their abs encasing his shaft as the friction sent waves upon waves of ecstasy washing over him. He wasn't going to last long at all. They had been waiting too long, too many looks had been exchanged that were full of so much want.

Kaidan was thrusting upward into him, filling him to the brim on every one of John's descents; their bodies crashing wildly into the other, joining and melding into one being at every point of contact; their souls searing together never to be parted, hearts connected by invisible, unbreakable strings of devotion, adoration, and an overabundance of love.

John didn't need a wedding ceremony, this was their union, their holy bond, their vows to one another that would never be broken; moans and nearly indiscernible grunts of the other's name, John's arms around his neck as he sped up their tempo, Kaidan's hands raking down his back as he bit into the sinew of John's neck, the tears of pure, unadulterated love and utter happiness freely flowing down their faces as they gave themselves fully to the other.

Because it was just so damn perfect.

He knew Kaidan was getting close, his body starting to quake with every upward surge. He wrapped his hand around John's cock, matching his strokes to their thrusts. John's thighs were starting to burn, his lungs were already there as shallow breaths were all he could manage.

"Fuck...Kaid...Kaidan," John mumbled.

"I love you," Kaidan chanted in return before finding John's lips, kissing him hard, stifling his whimpers and moans and sharing some of his own.

Their galaxy narrowed to a fine point with only the pair of them in it, both of their bodies starting to wither and break beneath the weight of their love, beneath the weight of each other. All senses blurred into a haze of muffled sounds and muddled colors, the smell of roses, Alliance-issued aftershave, and their musks wafting through the air, beads of sweat and fingers dancing over hypersensitive skin.

With one last buck of his hips, Kaidan exploded within him, the hand on John's length tightening its grip and increasing its fury until the younger man's body seized as his own release erupted between them, both gasping for air as their hearts pounded in the chests of their thoroughly ravaged bodies.

Kaidan's forehead fell to rest on John's shoulder, his body still shuddering and sputtering from the pleasure and exertion. John held him close, his cheek falling to rest on the side of Kaidan's head, chest heaving as he attempted to steady his breathing. It was nearly impossible because this man would forever suffocate him; everything he did stole his breath away.

"Wow!" he heard Kaidan whisper, the smile on his face not needing to be seen to be known.

"Wow!" he echoed.

"You were right, that was so worth the wait," Kaidan panted. He straightened up and pressed his forehead into John's, his hands raising to rest on his shoulders.

"That was worth everything," John said as he tried to soak every ounce of him in. "I give my heart to you, my body and my soul. You're the only man I will ever love. The first and last. You mean more to me than my own life and I will protect you with everything I have, I will give you everything I am, and I will love you with my dying breath. Which I hope is a hundred years in the future and wrapped in your arms. I love you Kaidan, forever and always."

"John," Kaidan said, the name breathless on his tongue.

"That's what I was going to say. That was my speech. I was gonna get down on one knee and everything," he said with a chuckle as he thought of how different it went from what he had planned. He still got the guy in the end so it wasn't a complete disaster.

"I really hope you have that written down somewhere because those are our wedding vows."

"Yep," John smirked.

"And I'm glad we didn't get to mine because it was shit in comparison."

"I highly doubt that. If it's all the same to you, though, I don't need a government form to know I'm your husband. I'm pretty sure I was the second I laid eyes on you."

"I know, but my mom's gonna throw a fit if we don't do it right. I am her only child," Kaidan sighed wistfully.

"Well, yeah of course. I just wanted you to know that I'm already yours," he said as he leaned in and kissed him softly. "I'm already your husband. And....maybe this'll sound stupid but....I wanna take your last name."

"Are you serious?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

"Unless you think that's weird. I mean, I'll keep the 'Shepard', but it won't be hyphenated or anything. Just John Shepard Alenko."

"It's not weird at all. It's kinda hot actually! How 'bout Kaidan Chase Shepard Alenko, no hyphen?"

"That's hot, too! And you don't think it's weird?"

"No....but can I ask why?"

"I don't know, I just want to be yours in every way I can. Never thought about changing my name before, but like everything else with you, it just feels right."

"Why is that?" Kaidan asked bewildered. "I'm not questioning us, it's just that it's strange that the second I saw you I knew you were the one. That's cheesy, I know, but it's true. And I know you feel the same."

"I do!" John replied, tangling their fingers together. "And I'm not going to question it either. Also, I'll come earlier in the alphabet for roll call," he quipped.

"Oh I see, you're just using me for my last name," Kaidan teased.

"And your body," John smirked. "I guess I'm just tired of being in Jane's shadow, I'd much rather be in yours."

"Like that's even possible! You're way too big, you'd never fit."

"Just what every guy wants to hear," John snickered. "Or are you trying to say I'm fat?" he pouted playfully.

"Well, my legs are about to fall asleep," Kaidan joked.

John could only laugh as he finally unstraddled Kaidan. He went to the kitchen and grabbed some energy bars, a bottle of water, and some towels to clean them up. He sat down on the couch next to Kaidan who wrapped his arms around him and hugged him to his chest. John craned his neck to kiss him before handing him one of the bars.

"Eat up, K. We're gonna need the calories. Because as soon as I am able, I'm going to bend you over the back of this couch and fuck your brains out."

"I really hope that's soon because I'm tired of waiting."

Their three-day getaway went by way too fast after that. They didn't leave the apartment once and spent most of it naked and in each other's arms. They wore their engagement rings the whole time, but before returning to the ship, they decided to put them on the chain of their dog tags and hope no one noticed.

As far as John was concerned, it was the perfect engagement, wedding, and honeymoon all wrapped into one. He would never need anything else as long as he had Kaidan, and he was going to have him forever. He really couldn't wait to be Mr. John Alenko.

Jane was truly going to kill him for that! They made a pact never to change their last name after leaving Mindoir. It was mostly him appeasing her—one of her plots to control him—him giving in because he never thought he'd want something like that. But for once in his life, he was doing something for himself, something that felt as natural as breathing, something Jane had no say in.

He didn't belong to her anymore, he'd already given everything he had to Kaidan. She was going to be hurt—they both accepted that—but he couldn't find it in his heart to care too much. He had dedicated his life up to that point to her, but he already decided that Kaidan would get the rest of it.

The only things left to do now were to head back to the Normandy, attack the Collector base, not die, wait a few months, come clean, and get married. But as Kaidan once said, "Things don't always go to plan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the fluffy lovefest 'cause it's about to get angsty for awhile. And yes, we are getting very close to Jane blowing a gasket!
> 
> The engagement was not supposed to happen here. It was planned for in between ME2 and 3 in Hackett's office after Jane had already found out about them, but apparently the boys had other ideas, and I think it worked out much better here.


	13. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew waits for the Reaper IFF to be installed; the Collectors attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happenes in this chapter and the next are the reasons I started this fic. (Also the lack of Kaidan in ME2 really pissed me off!!) They were the seeds that everything else grew out of.

_When the slow parade went past_  
_When it felt so good you knew it couldn't last_  
_And all too soon the end was gonna come without a warning_  
_And you'd have to just go home_  
**_-Parade, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

Kaidan practically floated back to the Normandy. He was on cloud nine after the three days he spent with John. It was magical, incredible, beautiful, perfect in every way. He was engaged. Kaidan Alenko was engaged to John Shepard and he'd never been more happy in his life.

They were running through prelaunch checks when John came back aboard. Kaidan was sitting at the mess table across from Jane and Garrus complaining about how boring his 'meetings' were when he rounded the corner. Kaidan knew that if he looked at him, he'd give them away so he concentrated on Garrus until John was seated next to him.

Jane had noticed that John was beaming and teased him about finding a man while on leave. If she only knew...they'd both be dead! John shrugged it off before teasing her about the smirk on her own face. Kaidan could only assume that that meant things with Garrus were progressing. He was nothing but happy for them.

The engineers and mechanics were still working on getting the Reaper IFF installed to guide them through the Omega-4 Relay. In the meantime, they had to help Tali with some business with the Quarian fleet. As soon as they launched, they set out to meet the Flotilla.

The first few days back on the ship were torture. They had finally had time to themselves, time to talk about what they wanted for the future, but now they were back to pretending that they weren't madly in love or engaged. It was hard to see John around the ship without being able to wrap his arms around him and kiss him.

He tried to keep himself busy and distracted, but he wasn't too successful with it. As soon as his mind was on something other than John's hands all over him, those blue eyes would round a corner and he'd get flustered again. Trying to avoid him was out of the question. The ship was too small and he couldn't go very long without needing to see his bright smile anyway.

The first morning after their engagement, Kaidan woke up with John's eyes on him. He could feel them before he even rolled over to face him. The second morning, Kaidan woke up first, blissfully studying him even though he already had every inch of his body committed to memory. The third morning, it was nearly a tie. John was rubbing his eyes as Kaidan rolled over with sleep still in his.

The forth morning, John wasn't there when he opened his eyes and he panicked. He shot up in bed like a bullet leaving a gun, his heart thudding out of his chest as worst-case scenarios ran through his head. The door swooshed open and John walked in wearing Kaidan's blue jacket, his chest bare to the galaxy, and loose pajama bottoms clinging dangerously low to his hips.

He knew exactly what Kaidan was thinking when their eyes met, his going empathetic as he casually strolled over to Kaidan's bunk. He planted his feet on Donnelly's, ignoring the muffled Scottish curses as he did so—him and Joker were used to it by this point—and leaned his head on Kaidan's bunk in their usual fashion.

"Sorry, too many beers last night. Had to hit the head," John whispered. He flashed a sloppy smile at him and climbed back down.

Kaidan only nodded as he watched through heavy lidded eyes while John teasingly stripped out of _his_ jacket and climbed back up into the bunk for their usual morning staring 'contest.' He was certain that eye sex, as Jack referred to it, was not only probable, but all the action they were going to get with each other for a while.

He was surprisingly fine with that because he knew that that man was going to be his for the rest of their lives.

The week after their incredible three-day weekend, they had made it to the Quarian Flotilla. John was awake before him, but this time he was staring up at the ceiling. Jane and Garrus were going to be joining Tali to help with the admiralty board she would be facing in a few hours.

Kaidan knew he was nervous. Every time Jane left the ship, or was going to be leaving the ship, John's body tensed, mind going into hyperdrive. He had said that it was because she was the CO and he didn't want to have to take charge. Even though Miranda was technically Jane's XO, it was an unspoken consensus that the Normandy belonged under the control of a Shepard.

As his fiancé, Kaidan knew that wasn't true at all. John was a fine leader. Like Jane, he had that aura about him that made people want to follow them to hell and back, and as an N7, he was built for leadership. The truth was he couldn't stand the idea of her leaving him again. While he did trust that Garrus would have her back, the only other person he would ever completely trust with Jane, besides himself, was Kaidan.

John refused to leave the CIC anytime she left the ship. He needed to be as close as he could get to the center of the action. Monitoring the ships systems and Jane's link to the Normandy was the best he could do confined to it. He also wore his armor in case he needed to hit the ground running for an extraction.

Kaidan hardly left his side. Part of that was out of regret that he lost her once. He needed to make sure she was still alive out there almost as much as John did. The rest was because he wasn't going to leave John when he needed his support. It gave him an excuse to take care of him, bringing him energy bars and drinks as he nearly wore a hole in the floor with his pacing. He also knew he'd be the only one John listened to if some sort of crisis did arise.

When word got back that the ground team was heading to the Quarian ship overrun by Geth, he went on high alert. John thought that his connection with Legion gave him an advantage under the circumstances with the Geth, but Jane talked him down. They simply didn't have time to wait for him to join them. They all knew it was a lie, but Kaidan placed his hand on his shoulder and he yielded.

A wry grin was Kaidan's reward.

"Had any good _coffee_ lately?" Jack snickered as she stepped off the elevator and made a b line for them.

 _Of course she would pick up on that,_ Kaidan thought, rolling his eyes. Her comment loosened John up a little more so Kaidan wasn't going to complain. He knew she had their backs and would keep their secrets...well, not all of them, not the ones she didn't know. Like how they both had engagement rings on their dog tags. That was just theirs for the time being.

Eventually, Garrus, Jane, and Tali made it back to the Normandy, no worse for wear. Jane was grazed by a bullet in the arm but that didn't even warrant a bandage. John had to practically drag her to the med-bay, though. Once she was attended to, they were on their way to the Geth Heretic Station and John was back to a more carefree mood.

All was well as they travel quicker than light to their next destination. They were still working on the Reaper IFF, but it was estimated that it would be ready after their next mission. Both twins were starting to get anxious. The crew was too, but them more so than the rest.

It broke Kaidan's heart that he couldn't touch him, couldn't hold him and comfort him. But this wasn't just about them, and John was a strong man. Kaidan was his weakness, Kaidan could break him—he already had, he wouldn't ever again if he could help it—but he knew nothing else could. No doubt, he would carry the weight of everyone onboard on his shoulders if he had to. The weight of the galaxy, too. But he was glad he didn't have to because some of that was on Jane as well.

John and Jane were the two who accompanied Legion onboard the Heretic Station. Then, it was Kaidan's turn to worry his ass off in the CIC. He didn't know which was worse; that both Shepard's were gone or that they went to infiltrate a damn Geth base. Everyone had protested, feeling that at least one Shepard needed to be on the ship at all times, but they won in the end after negotiating with Miranda.

His only solace was that Garrus and Jack were flanking him as he stood rooted to the same spot for three long hours. He didn't move until John smiled at him as he rounded the corner from the airlock. He knew that he would've taken him right there in front of Jane and everybody if he hadn't gotten the extra seconds to compose himself that it took John to reach him.

Their next assignment was a nearby N7 op Hackett had relayed to Jane. As they travel their plotted course, Joker informed Jane that the Reaper IFF was installed, but helpful EDI corrected him and said that a few scans were still needed. With that, it was decided that the full team would take the shuttle to their next destination.

Sticking to the compromise they struck with Miranda—that a Shepard would remain on the Normandy at all times in the future in exchange for her and John's mission with Legion—John was reluctantly forced to stay onboard while the rest of the team went out. John didn't bother with his armor since there would be no shuttle to launch a rescue attempt with if things went wrong.

Kaidan didn't like the idea one bit. He was for the compromise as Miranda kept pointing out, but he didn't think it was fair that a team member as strong as John should be benched. He lobbied hard for them to reconsider, but no one would listen when he said John needed to be on the shuttle.

He didn't mention how the whole thing sent the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end or that he had an ominous feeling in his gut telling him that something wasn't right. He tried to shake it, telling himself that it was only there because it was the first time he was going out without John since they met. There was a persistent aching in the back of his mind screaming that John needed to be on the shuttle with him. He almost volunteered to stay behind as well, or instead, but he knew that wouldn't have happened or helped.

With a heavy sigh, he climbed into the Kodiak. He stood right by the door, wanting to gaze into those beautiful eyes for as long as he could. John's jaw was set tight; his Adam's apple bobbed hard as he swallowed. He knew exactly what John was thinking right before the door shut because it was the same thing he was thinking. _Something's not right!_ Whatever Kaidan was feeling, John clearly felt it too.

*****

"What the hell do you mean, you lost contact with the Normandy?" Jane bellowed at the pilot.

"All her comm systems are down," the pilot replied. "I can't get through on any channel."

"Do you think it's from the scans EDI is running or the IFF?" Miranda asked puzzled.

"No," Kaidan interjected, "Something's wrong."

"I'm sure it's nothing," Tali tried to assure him.

"I had a bad feeling about this, in my gut, a voice telling me that John needed to be on this damn shuttle and you all shrugged me off! Now something really fucking bad happened to him!" he hissed.

"It's just the comms, K. They'll be back up soon," Jane said, trying to diffuse his highly uncharacteristic outburst.

"Something's not right here, Shepard!" he all but yelled.

"Kaidan, he's going to be fine. Whatever's going on, John can handle it," Garrus said soothingly. He could feel the pressure change in his armor as a hand rested on his shoulder in an attempt to ground him.

"No, not this time," he said shaking his head, voice so quiet only Jane, Garrus, Tali, and Jack heard him, all staring at him with dismissive looks that made his blood boil. The only one not looking at him condescendingly was Grunt. His dad was upset about his papa, Kaidan could tell that put him on edge. It only made him angrier; his fatherly instincts he supposed.

"Incoming message from the Normandy," said the pilot.

"See, nothing to worry about," Jane said smugly.

_"Shepard, the Collectors attacked the ship seven minutes and twenty-four seconds ago and boarded the Normandy. Jeff and I were able to vent and clear the ship before orchestrating a full retreat. I regret to inform you that Jeff Moreau is the only member of the crew still aboard. The others have been killed or taken by the Collectors. I have attached coordinates to a safe rendezvous point. EDI out."_

He watched Jane's face go white until everything turned red before fading away.

*****

_His eyes flickered open. Everything was black as pitch._

_John's voice quaked like a crack of thunder from out of the abyss._ "You said he could handle this!"

_Kaidan turned his head in the direction of his voice but couldn't see anything in the dark, couldn't tell where it came from._

"John Shepard."

_"John?" Kaidan called, voice hoarse and shaky._

"Before you ask, I'm the Scarecrow."

_"John, please!" Kaidan begged._

"You're the Tin Man not the Lion."

_"Where are you?" Kaidan asked, snapping his head around to where he thought John's voice came from. But there was only darkness._

"Hey, look at those beautiful brown eyes!"

_"John?" Kaidan whimpered._

"I hope you wanted kids."

_He jerked his head around in every direction, but all there was was black._

"That's how I want my coffee from now on."

_"John, please tell me where you are!" Kaidan demanded._

"You get to see me in action today."

_"I swear to the Spirits, John! If you leave me, I will fucking kill you!" Kaidan threatened._

"It's because I want to give you my heart."

_"I...I need you!" Kaidan confessed._

"I got a hot date in the infirmary."

_He saw a flash of azure in the distance._

"Will you marry?" _Shepard said, eyes the brightest shade of blue he'd ever seen mocking him in the darkness._

"Only if you'll marry me." _His own voice echoed out from the shadows._

_Everything was white. Too white, too bright as his eyes adjusted to the change. John was standing in front of him. He gave a flirty smiled that quickly twisted into a feral frown of aggression. His body started changing right before his eyes, blue lines glowing on his skin, his limbs losing mass and morphing into lanky arms and legs, his growl so familiar that it haunted his dreams regularly._

_Another John appeared beside the first. He gave the same grin that slipped into a snarling frown. When its transformation was complete, another appeared and started the process over and over and over again until all he could see was a sea of husks that still eerily retained John's features._

_A nocuous voice made him grimace as it rang in his eardrums, "Assuming direct control."_

_All of the husks raise off the ground simultaneously and start to glow._

_Then, they were charging._

*****

Kaidan woke up from a dead sleep in the infirmary covered in a cold sweat. All he wanted was for Karin to walk through the door and tell him he was hallucinating or suffering from a migraine-induced psychosis, but she didn't. And he knew why....like John, she was gone. He swung his weak legs off of the exam table and stood up.

Garrus was curled up on the table to his left. He was roused when Kaidan bumped into a chair that was between their tables which sent it skidding across the room. He sat straight up like Kaidan had done, but didn't say a word. Kaidan already knew the platitudes that were perched on his tongue and was thankful the sniper held them back.

When he had initially sat up, he had seen Tali sitting at the mess table watching them but trying to stay out of their space. Kaidan stumbled out the door on autopilot, Garrus following close enough behind him to catch him if he fell. Tali joined them on their journey, also sparing him any useless words she had parked on her obstructed lips.

He pressed the call button to the elevator, and they waited in silence until the door slid open. They piled in and Kaidan pressed the button for the engineering deck. The door opened quickly and they shuffled out and towards the much too quiet drive core. Just the knowledge of the absence of Donnelly and Gabby's flirtatious bickering was like nails on a chalkboard.

He turned before going further into engineering and took the steps down to Jack's alcove. Her face was buried in her hands until she heard their boots clanking on the metal stairs. Kaidan made it to her cot and crumbled beside her into a broken heap of a man. She wrapped an arm around him but it felt hollow. Tali sat on the other side doing the same, Garrus standing stoically before them.

He reached into his shirt and pulled out his dog tags. He held up the titanium band inscribed with the words _I give you my heart, Tin Man_ for them to see. Jack's nails dug into his shirt as she pulled him tighter to her, Garrus looked away—both knowing exactly what that shiny piece of metal meant. Tali must've figured it out because her grip tightened, too.

And all that was left for him to do was cry....so he did.


	14. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is abducted; Jane thinks too much but not enough; the Normandy races to save her crew; the truth comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter alternates between John and Jane's pov's and was soo much fun to write! I hope it is everything you've been waiting for. Enjoy!! :D

_Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over_  
_Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong_  
_Where it's not enough just to be sorry_  
_Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in_  
**_-Bed of Lies, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**John**

He eyed Kaidan as he climbed up into the Kodiak. The man looked sexy as hell in his armor, almost as good as he did naked. But even that thought wasn't enough to chase away the dark ones that crept into John's head when he knew he'd be staying behind on this one.

Something sinister was lurking around the bend, but he didn't know what, and worst of all, he had no idea what to do about it. Kaidan's gaze was just as telling. He had felt it, too, that something was off. Something big was on the horizon and John was going to be right smack dab in the middle of it. He swallowed hard trying to choke down the bile that rose in his throat at the thought that he'd never see that man, his fiancé, ever again.

Or more disturbingly, that Kaidan would never see him again.

The thought enraged him. Kaidan had to watch Jane die once. John knew what that had done to him after they'd only been together for a few weeks. Kaidan had only known him for two months but they were engaged—married as far as he was concerned—and if Jane's death broke him, his was going to kill him. He couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't.

The shuttle fired up and took off into the dark, cold, loneliness of space, and John had never felt more alone. He shuffled over to the lockers and changed into his armor hoping that if something was coming, it wouldn't catch him with his pants down. The thought made him smile despite the feeling of impending doom that loomed in his chest.

The Normandy shook and he picked up the pistol he had made sure to grab before changing. He had one boot left and quickly closed the clasp before jumping to his feet. There was a weapons cache fifteen feet away, but before he could even think about moving toward it, the airlocks popped open and his heart sank.

The Collectors were attacking the Normandy and he was the only fighter onboard. This wasn't a ship full of highly trained marines, of Alliance soldiers. They were Cerberus, and while they did fairly well to recruit capable crew members— most of which had been Alliance at one time or another—they were not prepared for something like this. Hell, John was hardly prepared for something like this.

Instinctively, he drew the pistol and fired, emptying half of the clip into the closest tango and taking him down. His barrier was already in place, a throw and a warp took care of two more that were engaging him. He tried to make his way to the weapons—to an assault rifle, to a shotgun, to ammo—but three more hulking, deformed Prothean bodies stood in his way.

There was no place to run, no cover.

After emptying the rest of his clip into a charging Collector, his biotics were all he had left, and he knew that wouldn't be enough for this. He was out in the open firing off warps and overloads and throws as fast as he could, but they kept coming and he was surrounded. He fell to his knees when his barrier gave out, the familiar pop and explosion of blue turning his spine cold at the realization that his amp had blown.

There were simply too many of them. Sometimes even John Shepard soon-to-be-Alenko couldn't beat the odds. He was good, but there were only so many he could attempt to take out on his own, and with his only thermal clip empty and his amp burnt out, he was shamed that he knew he was done. He was going to fucking die right here, right now.

He was screwed.

John made it back up to his feet because he was determined not to go out begging on his knees. Two of the monsters came toward him. He swung as hard and as wildly as he could with the small amount of strength that he still had left, but the third and forth came from behind and he was soon subdued under a pile of Collectors. They hauled him over to an airlock by the arms—his armor the only thing keeping them from ripping his shoulders out of their sockets—and started to drag him onto their ship.

He thrashed about trying to escape, knowing full well that there was none, that his body was failing him as it succumbed to fatigue. But if he was going down, he was going down fighting. He caught sight of a limp Karin thrown over one of the Collector's shoulder and he thrashed even harder, his wrath and adrenaline refusing to make it easy for those bastards to take him.

He was transferred to the Collector ship with most of the skeleton crew that was aboard. His N7 instincts took over and refused to let him give up. He knew fighting back was fruitless, so he forced himself to relax and keep his eyes open to assess the situation. If the opportunity arose for him to make an escape, he'd be ready.

Karin was still out, her body like a rag doll swaying with each step the Collector who carried her took. Donnelly was out too, a gash on his head making sure of that. Gabby was crying as she walked beside the Collector who dragged her fellow engineer behind it, its other hand digging into her shoulder. There was no sign of Joker, the fact both giving him hope and terrifying him. Not everyone who was on the ship was here. He was sure that meant they were dead.

The attack had been psychological warfare, a message directly to Jane that her and her crew were not even safe on their own ship. They made one tiny miscalculation, though. John and Jane didn't get along that well, but they'd die before they let anything or anyone hurt the other. He knew the Collectors had unwittingly unleashed her inner beast the second they laid a hand on him.

He took a deep steadying breath as they forced him into a menacing, egg-shaped pod at gun point. Karin's unconscious body was placed in the one beside him, the capsule encasing her as it closed. He looked over to Gabby on the other side. He gave a comforting nod as she laid down, body trembling with fear. The lid closed over her as well. He laid down next, the process repeating, the top closing to entomb him.

He grinned fondly to himself as his thoughts turned to Kaidan, of his soft whiskey eyes so full of love, of his perfect hair that was so perfectly disheveled when they woke every morning, of how pissed off he was sure to be right now. He knew that man was going to kill as many of those sons of bitches as he could. Jane and the rest of their friends were going to help him do it.

He reached for the shiny circle of metal that hung alongside his dog tags inscribed with the words, _I share my brain with you, Scarecrow._ It was so corny and so Kaidan and so them that he had to laugh. He took the ring off the chain and slid it onto the proper finger on his left hand vowing that he'd never take it off again.

And all that was left for him to do was wait....so he did.

**Jane**

Jane could feel the blood drain from her face as every word EDI said penetrated further into her mind. Kaidan was right, something bad had just happened to John and she hadn't felt it. She could usually feel it when things were going to fall apart, when John was in danger. But she didn't, Kaidan did. And while now was not the time to dwell on how close they actually were, she couldn't help but think back to all the times she caught them smiling at each other.

She shook off the stray thought and ordered the shuttle to the location EDI had given her. She noticed Garrus' hand on Kaidan's shoulder, a sign of comfort that she knew she could no longer give him. _Thick as thieves, those three,_ she thought. She wanted Garrus' other hand on hers, but they hadn't told anyone about their relationship yet and now was not the time for that either.

When she noticed Jack's hand in Kaidan's, jealousy shot through her. He had said he just met someone, could it be? Did Kaidan leave her for Jack? No, that didn't make sense. Tali had the other one, and they didn't make sense either. The voice in her head kept saying _John,_ but she was sure it was because she was worried about him. They all were. What the hell were they going back to? A ghost ship?

When Kaidan collapsed, she grimaced inwardly. He kept mumbling, 'It's my fault' and 'Why wouldn't you listen to me?' She knew the latter was directed at her even though he didn't look at her. He starting blinking rapidly and she knew he was on the verge of consciousness. He was going into shock, his mind wrecked with guilt and who knew what else.

When they got back to the ship, Garrus and Grunt carried Kaidan to the med-bay. Not that it would do much good without a doctor. She went up to the CIC to assess exactly what had happened while they were gone. Joker told her the harrowing tale of how he unshackled the AI and EDI assured her that John was alive when he left the ship, bringing up the vid of his struggle as they hauled him away. She wasn't sure if him being alive was a comfort or not.

After setting a course for the Relay, she retreated to her cabin, her thoughts consumed by John. She failed him. He had always been the one pulling her out of the fire. That was no secret, but she knew she never returned the favor. He was the strong one, always had been, and she was well aware that she owed most of her success, her career, to him.

She was nothing without him, and she never appreciated him enough. Now, he was gone and she was alone. He might've been killed already for all she knew. She may never find him, may never get to bury him. There would not be a Project Lazarus II to bring him back. She was going to kill every last one of those bastards.

"Hey," Garrus said, pulling her out of her desperate thoughts as he entered her cabin.

"How's Kaidan?" she asked.

"Better. Angrier than I've ever seen. Hell, we all are."

"Tell me we're gonna find him. Even if you know it's a lie."

"We'll find him, all of them. And it's not a lie," he replied, pulling her into a warm embrace.

"Sleep here tonight?" she mumbled into his neck.

"Whatever you need."

"What do you think he's gonna say about us?"

"I have a feeling he'll approve. He's an open-minded kind of guy. He'll just want you to be happy, Jane."

"I know, I want him to be, too. He seems happy, happier than I've ever seen. Do you know if he met someone while I was gone? When he came back aboard from leave, I just got the feeling that, I don't know, it just looked like he was in love. I've been meaning to ask him about it, but I haven't had the time. I'm a shitty sister, I feel like I don't even know him that well anymore. I didn't even sense he was in trouble. I used to be able to tell." _Kaidan knew...._

"When we get him back, you two need to sit down and have a nice long talk then."

"I think he resents me....I kinda stole his career."

"No, he doesn't. I've seen you fight. You're just as capable as he is out there."

"Now, I know that was a lie, but thank you for indulging me," she smirked. "He's given me everything, ya know. Wish I could give him something back."

"I'm sure you'll get the chance to soon. Just remember that."

**John**

He wasn't sure how long he had been in the transport container, for lack of a better description, but he knew it was quite awhile. He could go days without sleep with the proper stims, caffeine, and nutrition, but the best he could do without was maybe a day and a half. He held out for as long as he could before being lulled to sleep by the sound of the engines.

He was woken by the sublet shake of the ship. He'd been on enough to know that they had docked somewhere. Most likely—hopefully—at the base they were planning on hitting. Jane was going to be pissed that he had beaten her there. He was saddened that this was the first time in two months that he hadn't woken up next to Kaidan. That was more painful than anything else.

He couldn't see much through the opaque material, movement getting closer was about all. The top slid open and he jumped to his feet immediately. Karin was awake, their eyes meeting briefly before he scanned the rest of the pods to make sure everyone else was holding it together. Donnelly had been roused as well, his eyes not leaving Gabby's. Kelly was paler than usual on the other side of the doctor.

He hated sleeping in his armor, but he was more than used to it. He ran his hand over his face to wipe the sleep from his eyes and stretched as best as he could without moving in any way that could have been confused as threatening or aggressive. He'd never felt so useless in his life; no gun and no amp. All he had left was his strength and that was running on fumes with his overactive metabolism.

No one fought this time, the Collectors guns trained on them was enough of a deterrent. They were led single-file down a long corridor to the exit where they were shuffled off the ship. He hadn't gone on the derelict Collector ship but he imagined that there wasn't much of a difference in appearance since the base had the same kind of feel to it as the transport ship.

They walked for what felt like a good mile or two. He had only stopped once to help Karin up after she tripped on some wire running along the floor. A Collector hit him in the back—thank the Spirits for his armor—to hurry up after he did so. He put his hands up in surrender snarling at the thing over his shoulder.

Eventually, they came to a series of large tubes that rose from the ground and disappeared into the base. Each had an opening at the bottom that screamed _danger._ They were led in front of them, one person to a tube, and were forced inside. John just knew it was a deathtrap and getting in would be a death sentence. Coming face to face with his mortality spiked his adrenaline level and he fought like hell to stay out of the tube he was standing in front of.

He felt a blow to the back of his head, the butt of a gun no doubt, and his vision went white at the impact. There was a ringing in his ears and he fell to his knees when the dizziness overcame him. The only thing that kept him conscious was the amount of adrenaline in his veins. He continued to flail about as two Collectors picked him up and shoved him into the tube. The clear door shut in his face and he yelled pointlessly as he banged his fists against the glass.

He didn't know how far out the Normandy was. He was going to guess that it took them at least an hour to set their course if EDI was back online. Maybe less. They had been walking for at least that long. Best case scenario was they were about to enter the Relay if they hadn't already. If it took any longer than that, they were going to die in those tubes.

He closed his eyes and thought of Kaidan, of the first time they met, of their first kiss in the combat simulator, of their last kiss in the hotel, of his name on Kaidan's lips, of their wedding vows, of a whole life together still left to live. But if his was going to end here, eight weeks was better than nothing, and he'd go out with Kaidan's ring on his finger and his face at the forefront his mind.

**Jane**

She was the first one in her armor as they made their approach to the Omega-4 Relay. Kaidan came down next, the bright smile he'd worn since coming back onboard exchanged for a stern look of steeled determination. In that moment, she wasn't sure which one of them wanted him back more. She was leaning towards Kaidan if his clenched jaw had anything to say about it.

A spike of jealousy cut her to the bone. Her and John used to be as close as they seemed to be now. Kaidan knew something was wrong before she did, John was now the one making that smile of his shine. She missed that, she missed him, she missed both of them. She wasn't sure which one of them she was jealous of: Kaidan for stealing her brother away, or John for stealing one of her best friends away.

She knew that wasn't fair to think—they both were good men—but she was a jealous, vindictive woman. If John was in love, she would probably hunt the guy down and kill him just to keep him to herself. She had always wanted John to herself. He was all she had, and the thought of someone taking him away, taking her place beside him, becoming his new family, made her seethe with rage.

Her jealousy wasn't as bad with Kaidan. They had their relationship and it ran its course, but they were still close. It was just that she didn't like people stealing her friends, and the two of them made her feel out of the loop, lost to their inside jokes, left behind. At least she still had Garrus....until they decided to steal him away too.

_Surely, they're not together...._

Why did that thought keep popping into her head? She would have noticed, would have seen it, would have figured it out if they were....right?

 _No time for that Jane,_ she berated herself. She had to focus on rescuing John and her crew. She needed to be on the top of her game to get everyone in and back out while sending the Collectors to hell.

She went to the cockpit as they approached the Relay, the usual blue glow replaced with a bright red-orange. At the galactic core, she was glad everyone had talked her into all the upgrades they installed, but even all their planning couldn't keep them from a crash landing. They armed themselves with a plan and pushed into the Collector base.

The fight through the endless rounds of troops was a blur. She kept Kaidan and Garrus with her for the most part, needing Garrus' comforting proximity and Kaidan's nearly raging biotics. She was certain he'd have the worst migraine of his life when they got back. He was a man on a mission, and the thought of him and John together that she'd been trying to suppress all day, crept back into her brain.

When they approached the holding tubes the crew were being held in, she was both relieved and appalled. What would have happened to them if they had been an hour later in getting there? She had no time to wonder about that because her eyes were following Kaidan to the tube John was trapped in and that quiet voice in her head she kept pushing down roared into a shrill scream that was louder than anything she'd ever heard before.

She wasn't sure who released them from their makeshift prison cells. It might have been her, but she was far too distracted to notice. She watched as John stumbled out of his tube right into Kaidan's waiting arms. When they starting kissing, that scream morphed into something wild. When she saw the play of light off the ring around John's finger woven into Kaidan's hair, it blinded her with fury.

The next thing she remembered was Garrus and Jack holding her back as she lunged for Kaidan. He had turned to stand in front of John blocking him with his body, John's hands wrapped around the armor at his hips.

"Get the fuck away from him, Alenko, or I'll rip your goddamn head off!!" she growled, her eyes clouded with putrid hostility. The possibility of losing the only family she'd had for almost two decades was too much to bear, to fathom, and it sent her skidding out of control.

"Jane, now is not the time for this," Garrus said calmly.

"You fucking touch him again and I will fucking space your ass! You hear me?! I will rip you apart! I will end you!" she yelled, struggling to break free of the hands holding her back, her eyes never leaving Kaidan's.

"Shepard, please—" Kaidan began.

"I will kill you, Alenko!! I'm going to fucking kill you!" she threatened. "I'm gonna gut you and cut off your goddamn balls, you sorry son-of-a-bitch! He doesn't belong to you!"

"Jane, calm down," Garrus ordered firmly.

"Janie, I do not have the energy for this right now and neither do you," John said, stepping out slowly from behind Kaidan. "You have to stop them, and you need to do it now!"

She stopped flailing when John and Kaidan switched positions. Garrus and Jack still had tight grips around her waist and arm just in case. Her mind was spinning, she couldn't concentrate on anything but Kaidan's hands on John's armor-covered biceps holding him steady.

"What the fuck is this? W-what? Why do you, what is that....why was he kissing you?" she stuttered, the confusion clear in her voice.

"I can explain, but not here, not now," John said.

"Are you screwing him? Are you fucking sleeping with my boyfriend? This is Ben all over again," she bellowed.

"Kaidan is _not_ your boyfriend," Garrus said hotly. She didn't heard him.

"I won't let him take you from me, John, won't let anyone take you from me! I'm gonna kill him!" Her voice was cold and surprisingly calm, eerily calm, possessive and insecure.

"We need to keep going. The injured crew need to get back to the ship," Miranda interjected stepping between the two parties in an attempt to quell the rapidly deteriorating situation and focus their attention on the objective at hand.

"I'll take them," Kaidan volunteered.

"You're not going anywhere with him," Jane barked, her eyes piercing him with her icy scowl through two people.

"I'm fine, just need a gun," John said.

"Like hell you are! You have a head wound and no helmet. I'm not letting you go out there, John!" Kaidan argued.

"You don't get to talk to him, Alenko!" Jane yelled, momentarily resuming her struggle, reaching for a gun that Jack beat her to. "Let me go!! Get the fuck over here, asshole, so I can slit your goddamn throat!" she raged.

"That is _enough,_ Jane! You shut your fucking mouth right now!" John countered. "You touch him and I will take you out, family or not. You understand me?"

"You're coming with me, Johnny! So get the fuck away from him and let's move!!"

"He's too fatigued, Commander," Chakwas said.

"He's in no condition to fight," Miranda added.

"Kaidan's taking them back, Jane's going to take a minute to get her mind clear, then we're moving forward," Garrus instructed.

"Go," Miranda said to John, Kaidan, and the rest of the kidnapped crew. No one was going to disagree.

Jane slid down to the ground, her head in her hands, as they hurried away. She couldn't think straight. She didn't know who she was more pissed at: Kaidan for taking away her only family, John for stealing her boyfriend, or herself for not being able to see it when it was right in front of her face. Her life had been shattered to pieces and she was sitting in the middle of a war zone.

Everyone was right, she had to get her shit together. She had to focus her outrage on the Collectors for now. Afterwards, she would head back to the ship and throw Kaidan out the airlock. Maybe John, too, and the ring on his hand, on a very important finger. How the hell had that happened?

How did she miss it? How could they keep that from her? Were they already married? Had they been all along, while she was dead? What else were they keeping from her? The whole thing was a setup from the beginning, even the way John bumped into him on the Citadel. She just knew it!

She was confused and upset and angry and shocked. Completely in shock because she missed it. All the signs, all the little tells, all the warning bells that she turned a blind eye to, that she didn't want to look at, that she was too busy to focus on, that she flat out refused to address. Some of that was on her, but no one, _NO ONE,_ was taking John from her without a fight. The Collectors were about to be punished for that. Then, she'd deal with Kaidan.

Garrus bent down in front of her, his voice short when he spoke, "Are you done yet? We need to get out of here before we get overrun." She looked around. No one was looking at her, which she was both glad and pissed off about. "You wanna take out that anger? Pretend their heads are Collectors. That is what I'll be doing," he huffed.

At least he was mad at them too; she had an ally. She nodded slightly and held out her hand for him to help her up, but he just shook his head and took a few steps away from her. She got up by herself, bewildered as to why he had blown her off like that. This whole thing was a fucking nightmare.

She took a few deep breaths, banishing the image of Kaidan kissing her brother to the back of her mind for the foreseeable future, and took out her assault rifle. Right now, they had a job to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I started this story, I wasn't expecting for Jane to react the way she did when she found out about the two of them. I thought she'd be more angry at John for stealing her boyfriend, especially since they didn't really get along. But it turned out that she was much more upset about the idea of losing John, of being left alone, hence her focus on wanting to kill Kaidan to get him out of the picture. I really didn't see that coming, but I guess Jane is an enigma.
> 
> I also want to say that this is not intended as a Jane bashing fic. I try my best to humanize her, but there will be later scenes that even make her seem like the villian. For the record, I do like her and I have a love/hate relationship with the version of her I've created here. Just keep that in mind going forward.


	15. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan get back to the Normandy; John stands up to Jane and gets a little help from Garrus; MShenko fluff!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over a hundred kudos!! You guys are awesome! Thank you so so much! The kudos and comments and bookmarks really mean a lot!
> 
> Okay, so Jane is a little calmer here, after the shock has worn off a bit. Enjoy!

_I'm gonna be there always_  
_After the pain has gone away_  
_The feelings are so strong_  
_This can be our song_  
**_-Our Song, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

When Kaidan laid eyes on John in that tube, his heart both stopped and sped up at the same time. He ran over to him without thinking. The room had been cleared and there were a dozen people watching his back, but it was still an idiotic thing to do. He just needed to get to John as quickly as possible, had to hold him and kiss him, feel his armored body next to his.

Jane pressed some buttons on a nearby console and the glass doors opened. John reached for him, he reached back, his arms wrapping around him to help him out of the tube. They fell into each other, John's body close to collapse from exhaustion. Kaidan would hold him up forever if he had to and smile while doing so because it meant John would been in his arms where he belonged.

He knew Jane was going to be furious but he kissed him anyway. He just had to, right there in front of everyone. John's dry, cracking lips were rough on his own but felt no less than heavenly. One of John's hands was on his shoulder to keep himself upright and the left was tangled in his hair, the familiar warmth and tingle settling his nerves as John's presence spread over every inch of him.

That's when he heard the screech from across the room that had everyone turning towards Jane. Garrus grabbed her quick, Jack running over to assist knowing exactly what had her enraged. It was obvious, everyone knew now. There would be no more hiding it. Not that he wanted to.

"I have my ring on, she must've seen it, but I'm never taking it off," John whispered in his ear from behind him.

He was absolutely floored that she was yelling at him instead of John. He was sure it would've been the other way around. There was no time to think about it. Garrus and Miranda both ran interference to get her calmed down. Then, they were heading back to the Normandy.

He gave John his shotgun and Donnelly his pistol as they started back. The area they came from had been cleared as they pushed through so they were relatively safe on the trek back. They were pinned down once by a few stragglers, but it was nothing that Kaidan couldn't handle alone. He knew the others were wiped out from the experience they had just had.

"Put you're barrier up," he told John.

"Amps burnt out," John replied. That was the extent of their conversation until they reached the Normandy. Kaidan extended his as far as possible to cover him and whoever else he could. He was pretty sure that his efforts today were going to give him a migraine for a week.

Dr. Chakwas ordered everyone to the infirmary for a quick workup before allowing them back to their station to work on repairs. Unsurprisingly, John made everyone go ahead of him. Kaidan made snacks for everyone to get their strength up and to keep from hovering over him.

"How much did you sleep?" he heard Dr. Chakwas asking John when he brought them each a sandwich. The younger man had already stripped out of his armor and was sitting on the exam table with his feet dangling off the side.

"I don't know, but it wasn't a lot," was his reply, eagerly reaching for the sandwich Kaidan offered. He scarfed it down fast before downing the drink he brought him before working on an energy bar. He needed calories, and lots of them.

Kaidan removed his upper armor as he watched them eat mostly in silence. He was fixated on the movement of John's throat as he swallowed down the drink, instantly transporting him back to their time in the combat simulator the day after they met. With that thought, he couldn't resist any longer.

He wrapped his arms around John's neck and pulled him close, his resolve nearly floundering when he felt John's hands on his back and his face burrowing into his neck. Neither had anything to say, or perhaps, they didn't need to speak to know how relieved the other felt; they were far too overjoyed for words to describe.

They stayed like that for awhile, enveloped by the other in a warm embrace. His breathing picked up when John kissed his neck before lifting his head and giving him a chaste kiss on the lips, the med-bay not conducive to anything more. Still, Kaidan doubted anyone would mind.

"Not exactly how I wanted her to find out and I'm still completely confused by the way she attacked you," John said, a befuddled and worrisome frown on his face.

"She was scared of losing you. I can certainly relate to that. But if she saw the ring, she probably thinks she already has," Kaidan replied.

"I put it on as soon as they....as soon as I was able and I'm never taking it off. I'm not ashamed of you or us and I'm not going to pretend I don't belong to you, with you, because I do. And she's going to have to deal with that."

"I know," he agreed, kissing John on his forehead before wrapping his arms around him again to hold him tight, to reassure himself that he was there. "What do we do now?"

"As soon as she gets back, I'm going to kick her ass for calling you her boyfriend! Did you see Garrus when she said that? He was pissed," John chuckled. "Worse case scenario, she leaves us here. Best case, she drops us off at the nearest port."

"Have you seen her like that before?" he asked. Kaidan would never admit it outloud, but he was utterly terrified of her for a few minutes there. He wasn't used to his enemies threatening to kill him, they usually just tried to without warning. He decided that he preferred the latter.

"More times than I care to remember," he groaned. "First time she threatened to kill my husband, though...future husband. Can't say I'm a fan. Can't even promise it won't happen again. You sure you wanna marry into this?" he asked, raising a brow cautiously hopeful.

Kaidan pulled back slightly causing John's hands to fall down his sides. He took off his dog tags and removed his engagement ring from the chain before hanging them back around his neck. He held up his left hand between them and slid the ring onto his ring finger.

"Positive. My feet aren't even chilly," Kaidan assured him.

 _"John, we're about to take off. Sounds like the ground team is in one helluva firefight,"_ Joker relayed through the comms.

"Thanks, Joker. We should be out there, Kaid," John said with a regretful sigh.

Kaidan nodded his agreement. He knew John would feel guilty for not being able to help them fight for a very long time, and so would he. "It's not your fault that we're not. It was out of our hands."

"Yeah, I know, but it's nice to hear outloud."

 _"Just wanted to let you know that if you wanted off, you know, because of the threats to your lives, then you should probably do it now,"_ the helmsman said dryly.

"We're good," John said back.

_"She'll come around. Just needs time. Hell, even I didn't see that one coming but congrats guys."_

"Let's just hope it's before she follows through on her threats, but thanks."

"Barring any outside complications, I think we should get it over with as soon as possible, as soon as she hits the airlock," Kaidan suggested.

"I'll be sure to let myself out when the time comes," Dr. Chakwas said. "But I hesitate to go to bed in case I need to perform any surgeries to reattach limps."

"She's not going to hurt anybody...too badly. With that being said, you should probably go get my other amp, babe...for the barrier. She's given me enough scars," John smirked.

By the time Kaidan found his spare amp, the ground team had been extracted. Kaidan wasn't sure if he should try standing in front of John again or if he should just stay behind him. She had calmed down as soon as John was in between them, but he hadn't dealt with her like this before and had no idea what to expect this time around. He had seen her mad, the worst being after they SR-1 was in lockdown, but on the base....she was feral.

 _"She's on her way,"_ Joker relayed.

"Where should I stand?" Kaidan asked, nervously shifting from one foot to the other then back again.

"Beside me where you belong," John answered firmly, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers.

Jane walked in with a scowl on her face and Garrus trailing behind. It wasn't quite as hard as the one she had the last time they'd seen her. He couldn't tell if it was from fatigue or her getting over the initial shock. Either way, he hoped that it would work in their favor.

"Jane, please calm down," Garrus said.

"Calm down? How can I calm down? I just found out my brother stole my boyfriend right out from under my nose," she bit back. Maybe it was John's turn to feel her wrath. He was pretty sure that it angered him more than when she was raging at him.

"No, _your_ boyfriend is standing right behind you," the Turian corrected.

She rolled her eyes, "You know what I meant."

"At the moment, no I don't. You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"You don't think this is a big deal? You don't think them together...," she said pointing at John and Kaidan, "...is a big fucking deal? It is! Who's side are you on here anyway?"

Apparently, it was Garrus' turn to feel her wrath.

"I'm on the right side. The side you should be on."

"You're supposed to be on my _side_ " she yelled.

"And you're supposed to be on mine! What? Do you want him back? Is that what this is?"

"Of course she wants him back," John interjected. "She's throwing a tantrum because things didn't go her way. Because she doesn't have control over my life anymore. Typical Jane Shepard: me, me, ME! Always wanting the toy someone else is playing with! You're acting like a damn toddler!"

"Fuck you!" she growled. "How long, huh? How long have you been fucking my boyfriend?"

"Ex-boyfriend," Garrus corrected again, but Kaidan doubted that she heard him.

"Did you even wait till my body was cold? Till I was listed KIA? Did you fuck him on my coffin, huh? Answer me dammit!" she howled at John.

"Jane, it's not like that!" Kaidan tried to explain.

"HOW LONG?" she repeated.

"We met three days after our fight on Horizon."

"Bullshit!"

"It's true...for a mission from Hackett," John said.

"Hackett ordered you to steal my boyfriend? Well, in that case, you have my blessing!" she barked sarcastically. "Why am I not surprised you followed orders?"

"That wasn't our assignment... _that_ just happened."

"Oh yeah? What was your mission then?"

"Infiltrate the Normandy, make sure you were you, help out where we could," John said matter-of-factly.

"Guess I was right about something for once! So Kaidan's ass is what? A bonus? A perk? Or is he the one infiltrating your ass?"

"Jane—" Kaidan pleaded.

"Don't you dare 'Jane' me!! Either of you! I want you off my ship, first port we make! You're lucky I don't kick you off right now in the middle of space, but Hackett would truly have my head for killing his favorite pet."

"Dammit, Jane! Will you let me explain? For once?" John demanded more than asked.

"What is there to explain? Me and Kaidan fought, he thought I was an imposter, Hackett ordered you to spy on me, then you started fucking my boyfriend on my ship. Clear as crystal!"

"Spirits, Janie! He's not _your_ boyfriend, he's _my_ fiancé! And if you'd stop for five seconds to think about someone other than yourself, you'd see how upset you're making your actual boyfriend by saying that!"

She huffed and turned to look at Garrus who was standing behind her with his arms crossed over his chest and a hip cocked out to one side. His face was hardened with frustration, as it should've been, while he glared at her.

"He was my boyfriend," she said, turning back around, voice going a little softer.

"Yes, 'was.' Nothing has ever happened between us on _your_ ship. And we waited until after you broke up before moving forward with our relationship. Out of respect," John said.

Kaidan began rubbing soothing circles on John's hand with his thumb. Every once in awhile, he'd gently give it a squeeze to ground them both, satisfied when the other man's shoulders relaxed ever so slightly and his breathing softened.

"That was only six weeks ago. You don't expect me to believe that, do you? That you were only together six weeks before getting engaged? That you only met two months ago? Jesus Christ, engaged!?"

"Doesn't matter what you believe, it's the truth. Got engaged before we even slept together because I knew the second I saw him that he was it for me," John stated.

"Oh bullshit! It's just like Ben. You're the one who's always wanting my toys!" she snarled.

"Ben? You still throw that in my face after seventeen years, but did you know he just used you? He used you to get to me, and as soon as I found out, I kicked his sorry ass to the curb. Elysium? 'Member that, huh? You froze and I saved the whole damn planet. By. My. Self. And then what did I do? I gave it all to you. The metal, the glory, everything. Just like I gave you this ship. Hackett offered her to me, I refused. I said, 'Give her to Jane,' because that's how much I love you.

"I've spent my whole life saving you from Torfan after Torfan, cleaning up your messes, trying to give you the stars because we had nothing. I'd give you anything, I already _have_ given you everything. Even the title of First Human Spectre when it was rightfully mine. And the one thing, the only thing I have found in this whole godforsaken galaxy that I ever wanted for myself, well you already had that, too.

"Don't you think it tears me up inside? You think any of it has been easy for me, for him? Hiding what I want, what I need? Pretending that I didn't want him when he's all I ever wanted? Not wanting to hurt you? You think we did this on purpose? Do you really think that little of me, of us, that we're even capable of something like that?

"I fell in love with him the second I saw him, and that's never gonna change. No matter how much you or I or anyone else may want it to. Even though I tried...I tried not to feel that way about him, I tried so hard to talk myself out of it like that's how this shit works, but it's not. I tried, and I am so fucking sorry for hurting you, for putting you in this mess. With everything I have, I am sorry, but I am _never_ giving him up! And I will never be sorry for loving him!"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Jane bellowed. "All of you!"

"And since you're so hell bent on the delusion of me ruining your life, I'm gonna go ahead really piss you off. I am so fucking gonna take his last name!!"

Why that pushed her over the edge, Kaidan wasn't sure, but the next thing he knew, she was charging. Garrus grabbed her arms and held her back before she could get too close. Kaidan had instinctively brought up his barrier—the current easily engulfing John too—and prepared to hit her with a stasis. John just stood there seething.

"Jane!" Garrus yelled causing them all to look at him. "You are going to listen to me and listen to me good! If it was not for them falling in love with each other, you never would have fallen for me. Last night you said you wished you could give him something back after everything he's given you. Remember that? Well, this is it! So get over whatever sick twisted, jealousy you have over this and appreciate what he's given all of us here before you drive all three of us away."

"You knew about them, didn't you?" she snapped at him.

"Yes, and this is why they didn't tell you. And I agree it was the right call. If you want to hate me for that, then fine. But we needed you focused. We're not done with this war and we're going to need each other to win it. You're going to need us, all three of us. So you need to think about that before you're left with nothing."

"Why didn't you just fucking tell me?" she asked, the hurt thinly veiled in her voice.

"There was too much at stake here, Jane, and you know it," John said. "There was no way any of us could risk it. I wanted to tell you, we all did, but it happened so fast, so unbelievably fast. We were gonna tell you right after, but then I was on that ship, in that pod, in the tube. I didn't want you to find out that way. I thought I was going to die, thought I was gonna leave him. You of all people know what that feels like, and I couldn't help myself when I saw his face staring back at me.

"I knew you were going to be so pissed off, but for once, I didn't give a damn. I've spent all my life worrying about you, what you wanted, how you felt, making you happy. Well you know what, Kaidan taught me that I deserve some of that too. And I know this must be hard on you, but you're not losing me. When I see you with Garrus, I know I'm not losing you, I'm gaining him.

"It's been you and me for so long that it's scary to think of anything else. I know how you're feeling, but what really happened here, over the past two months, was that we doubled it, our family. And that's what you need to focus on."

"You're gonna be my sister-in-law," Kaidan said tentatively, testing the waters.

She glared at him, but didn't say a word. He was going to count that as a good sign.

"Now, Kaidan and I need to get back to the Alliance. Hackett's going to want a full debrief on this whole thing. And I know your plan is to turn the Normandy over to them, and I'm going to do whatever I can to talk you up, just like always, and Kaidan will too," John assured her.

"We know this is sudden," Kaidan added, "And you probably need time for it all to sink in, so drop us off at the nearest port and we'll let you deal with it however you need to. But just know that as an only child, I've never had a sister, until now, and that I hope that one day, you'll be able to see me as a brother."

Kaidan watched as her eyes softened a fraction before she turned around and stormed out without another word. All three men let out the breath they were collectively holding after the door closed behind her.

"Okay, I'm really scared guys," John said after a few moments of silence. "None of us are dead and she stopped yelling. This could only mean that she's waiting to kill us in our sleep or, and this is highly unlikely, we might've actually gotten through to her."

 _"Garrus, Jane wishes to speak with you in her cabin,"_ EDI relayed.

"Good luck, man. We got your back."

"She just needs time," Garrus said before he headed out the door.

"Should we sleep on rotation?" Kaidan joked. He hoped it was a joke. He let go of John's hand a slid it up his back to rest on his far shoulder.

"We're putting Donnelly in my bunk and we're taking his. Tight squeeze but that just means we get to cuddle," John replied, his hand wrapping around Kaidan's waist as he leaned his head onto his. "And we're going to stay up all night whispering sweet nothings into each other's ear between all the things we haven't been able to say because we've had to keep our distance."

Kaidan grinned. He very much liked the sound of that. He turned and kissed John's cheek, days old stubble scraping his lips, his free hand raising to join the other on John's shoulder. "You need a shave," he chuckled in the other man's ear before nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

"If I do, will you make out with me?" John asked, pulling back to look into his eyes, his own sparkling with his request. How could Kaidan say 'no' to those? Not that he cared if John shaved or not. It didn't matter either way, so long as those lips were on him.

"Only for a little while. You need to get your calories up and rest. Then, we need to pack."

"I will take what I can get," he chuckled.

John was in for a treat then because Kaidan wanted to give him everything. And now that Jane knew, there was nothing standing in the way of him doing just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ends ME2. There will be a few chapters in between games before we start ME3. (Chapters full of fluffy and smutty goodness to make up for that angst!) I have a few small canon divergent things planned coming up to make this fit, but the storyline will pretty much stay the same.


	16. Heaven or Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John message bombs the shit out of Jane; Kaidan takes care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of an experimental chapter because most of it is written through messages to or from John. I'm not sure how I feel about it format-wise but hope it's not too jarring or hard to keep up with who he's messaging. There is some attentive/supportive Kaidan in it as well, so maybe that'll help.
> 
> There are also a few references to Akuze, Mindoir, and Torfan here that will be explained more in the next chapter. So if it doesn't makes sense, it hopefully will later.

_We had love_  
_Always thought it would be enough_  
_Oh, but then it goes away_  
_But I don't really wanna give up_  
**_-The Way, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

**John**

[07:54:01, Msg out] [To Janie]: Still outside. Not leaving till you talk to me.

[08:12:12, Msg out] [To Janie]: Janie, open the door! Can't you hear me banging? We need to talk about this. Preferable like adults, but since neither one of us are capable of that, I'll take yelling, too.

[08:17:56, Msg out] [To Janie]: Do you want to talk about Garrus? Did you know Turians can cry?! Yeah, well I do...now. And it ain't pretty. **[Message Deleted]**

[08:29:44, Msg out] [To Janie]: Remember that time you punched me for talking to cousin Brynn. And when mom asked why you did it, you said it was because Brynn wanted to marry me and you wouldn't let her because I already belonged to you, and when I told you I didn't, you socked me. Remember that? Is this the same thing?

[08:34:01, Msg out] [To Janie]: I know it's not the same thing, but you can punch me again if you want. It's kind of the same thing....

"She hasn't opened the door yet?" Kaidan asked him as he stepped off the elevator with a tray in hand. John looked up with a 'what do you think?' expression on his face. "Well, I brought double in case she wanted to come out for breakfast," he said, handing John the tray. "And if not, you need the calories....want me to stay?"

"Not a good idea. I probably shouldn't even be here. I'll come down for lunch, though."

"You said you'd come down for breakfast," Kaidan said tiredly.

"I know....How's Garrus?" John asked.

"I don't know. He's just sitting in the armory breaking down his sniper rifle and putting it back together. Tali's keeping an eye on him....Grunt said he'll come break the door down if you need him to."

John knew that was a joke, but he didn't feel much like laughing. "How long till we make port?"

"Day and a half, I think. Joker's taking it slow. We took some heavy damage from the Collectors, but I think he's just being cautious, not willing to risk pushing his baby too hard," Kaidan replied. "I'm going to go check in with Chakwas, see if she needs any help with injuries. I think everyone's doing okay, though."

"Alright," John said.

"Message me if you need me, okay?"

He gave Kaidan a small smile and nodded as he watched Kaidan get back on the elevator, watched his ass mostly, mesmerized really. "Thanks for breakfast," he hollered as the doors closed.

_[08:40:32, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: You're welcome._

[08:40:48, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: Love you.

_[08:41:01, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: Love you, too._

"Joker, can you ask her if she's coming out for breakfast?" John asked.

 _"....said not until you're gone, so you can either jump out the air lock, or she'll just wait. She's got protein bars and water and a few MRE's....Sorry man. You really fucking pissed her off,"_ the helmsman replied.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out. Thanks, though," he said dryly.

 _"Anytime,"_ Joker said back.

[08:43:11, Msg out] [To Janie]: If I promise to jump out, will you talk to me first?

[09:01:01, Msg out] [To Janie] Still hate me for Mindoir?

[09:07:37, Msg out] [To Janie] I know you still wish I died that day instead of her. Instead of them. You know she'd be pissed at us. For fighting the way we do. Probably wouldn't be surprised, though. We were fighting before we were born. Remember that story she always used to tell, about you punching me in the sonogram? Guess that's how we were always supposed to be. At each other's throats.

[09:26:26, Msg out] [To Janie]: Still hate me for Akuze? Spirits, you hated me after that. Probably before. And I didn't do a damn thing wrong! Did you ever love me? Because sometimes I don't fucking know! I really don't. Of course you're probably thinking the same thing about me right now, but at least I tried, tried to show you. He loves me. That I do know because he tells me and he shows me!! Why the fuck can't you do that?! FUCK! **[Message Deleted]**

_[09:35:19, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: Any luck?_

[09:35:55, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: No. Joker said she has energy bars to last until we disembark. Who's getting off with us?

_[09:37:04, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: Jack, Kelly, Grunt, and maybe Jacob. Maybe a few others. I think Tali and Garrus want off at the Citadel. Unless Garrus wants off sooner. Samara too._

_[09:40:04, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: I'm here for you, y'know._

[09:40:33, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: I do. I appreciate that.

[09:55:58, Msg out] [To Janie]: Would you just _please_ come out and yell at me? I now you want to. Didn't you tell Wrex that yelling at me was your favorite thing to do? I like that guy. Can't believe he fought under your command and now he rules over most of his homeworld. If we were Krogan, you probably would've eaten me in utero. You probably would've preferred that.

[10:04:07, Msg out] [To Janie]: If we were Geth, you would've wiped my hard drive. Quarians: punctured my bubble. Hanar: fed me to a sea turtle. Asari: ?? Got nothing for that one....bored me to death with knowledge?

[10:10:10, Msg out] [To Janie]: I'm trying here!!

[10:29:31, Msg out] [To Liara]: I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm used to walking away and letting her come to me when she's ready. She usually does after a while. Is that what I do? We just lost two years....She's reading them, right?

_[10:49:13, Msg in] [From Liara]: She's opening them. Can't say if she's actually reading them, but she's not mass deleting. That's a good sign. Did Garrus really break up with her?_

[10:52:54, Msg out] [To Liara]: I don't know. He came in the crew quarters pretty late, like three a.m., last night. I asked if he was okay, but he said, "Not right now, John." I understood, he sounded tired. Hell, I was tired. We're all pretty tired. Wait...who said he broke up with her?

_[11:09:32, Msg in] [From Liara]: Misunderstanding with Tali. Garrus isn't talking much, but she thinks it was mutual. He thinks he was right not to tell her, she thinks he wasn't._

[11:13:57, Msg out] [To Liara]: If the stakes weren't galaxy-wide, I would agree with her. But I knew, I KNEW, she'd blow up like this no matter when I told her about us. She's reckless when she gets like that. On the base, that was how she was on Torfan. I saw it in her eyes. And the galaxy knows how that turned out. They wanted to try her for warcrimes then. Worse part was, I don't even remember why we were fighting that day. Nearly got us both court-martialed.

_[11:18:26, Msg in] [From Liara]: It'll all be alright. I'm sure of it._

_[11:38:22, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: You're still coming down, right? If not, I'll bring you something._

[11:40:02, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: Not sure I wanna face anyone actually.

_[11:40:49, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: I don't think anyone is taking sides here. Everyone's content to stay out of it, I think. After they saw her on the base, I don't think they want to get involved. I sure as hell wouldn't._

_[11:44:19, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: Shit, that didn't come out right! I meant if I were them. But I'm not going anywhere, okay? You do understand that, right? And I know you're probably thinking that I don't deserve this and you're wishing you could protect me from it and maybe want to take it all back so I don't get hurt. But knock it off! You gave me your heart and I'm not giving it back!! XOXO_

[11:47:28, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: I fucking love you! And aye, aye sir, I'll knock it off. How the hell can you read my mind? Stupid question, duh Scarecrow...we share one! XOXO right back at ya!

[11:52:09, Msg out] [To Janie]: Come out! I'm hungry. Everyone misses you downstairs. Let's go eat. I won't even talk to you if you don't want me to. I'll keep my big mouth shut the whole time. Everyone else will, too. Won't even look at you. But you need to eat real food. Might be one of the last meals you get from Mess Sargent Gardner.

[11:55:58, Msg out] [To Janie]: Not going down until you are. Just gonna stay up here and order room service. Want anything?

[11:59:03, Msg out, (1/2)] [To Janie]: Remember after Mindoir when they first brought us to that small planet? CT-0606, what the hell kind of name was that for a planet with colonies? Anyway, remember when they put us up in a hotel and we got so fucking stuffed on room service that we throw up everywhere? We laughed for hours at that even though you weren't talking to me.

[Msg cont. 2/2] [To Janie]: Then Anderson came and got us and stuck us in base housing after scolding us for running up the bill. We were kids who grew up on a poor colony world. What the hell were they expecting? That was fun. See, we can have fun even when you're not talking to me. We lost a year then, how long is it going to be this time?

[12:13:14, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: Not coming down. Sorry....

_[12:13:44, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: Be right up._

"Hey," Kaidan smiled, stepping out of the elevator, a full tray of food in his hands. "Did someone order room service?" he teased raising a brow playfully.

"I'm pretty sure you and I are tuned into the same frequency somehow. Maybe organics aren't that different from the Geth after all," John mused, watching Kaidan carefully set down beside him with the tray.

"I wouldn't have thought so until fighting beside one," Kaidan said, handing John a cup of coffee and a plate of food. "I brought up a few more bars and a drink. They should last you until dinner."

"Thank you." They spent the rest of their short meal in silence after that, thighs pressed together just to know the other was there. John practically inhaled his food. He was still feeling the effects of being trapped in the transport pod.

"Are you planning on staying up here until we make port?" Kaidan asked after polishing off his coffee.

"I don't know....Kaidan, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I don't usually do _this_. Camp around outside her door. I usually go off and kick ass until she's ready to talk or fight some more. And she does, comes back, comes and finds me. Then, we hash it out and move on. Or fight it out and move on," he answered.

"You think that'll work this time?"

"I honestly don't know. I'm sure this won't, sitting here messaging her every ten minutes, but I'm willing to give it a try until we have to leave. Or until she tells me to fuck off, tells me something!

"I lost her once, and it was hell, but I got through it. I survived. So, on one hand, I want to, I don't know, protect myself from having to go through that again. We're soldiers, death happens. Especially when the Reapers get here. It's a real possibility that I'll lose her again. I know that. But at the same time, we have another chance here so I have to try!

"She didn't lose me. She thinks she has, I know that. But I'm not dead yet. I'm the one who knows what it feels like to lose the other. I know more than anyone what it feels like to be the last one standing. And neither were pretty. So, I don't know if anything will work, but I'm going to stay here until we have to leave. And after that...I'll just have to let the chips fall where they may. I mean, what else can I do?"

"I don't know, John. I don't know if there is anything you can do. Or say even. We might just have to wait for her to process things and see what she wants to do after that. I know you want to talk to her now, but if she's used to you leaving when she gets like this, she might just need some time and space before she's ready for that," Kaidan said.

"You're probably right, but when the Reapers get here, we might not have either," John solemnly replied.

"I know...I think I should go check on Tali and Garrus. They were in the lounge getting drunk. Garrus anyway," Kaidan said as he gathered their dishes and put them back on the tray. "Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm alright," John smiled as he watched Kaidan head back into the elevator. He really didn't know which one he liked better: watching Kaidan walking away or coming back.

"I'll be back up in a little while," he said as the doors shut.

"Hey, EDI. Will you ask Jane if she wants someone to bring her some food. Like the Mess Sargent. I'll even go somewhere else so she doesn't have to see me."

"Yes, Jonathan....she said she is not hungry and that there are a lot of places you can go starting with out the air lock or to hell. I must advise against both."

He had to laugh at that. "I'll keep that in mind. Tell her that if she tells me that herself, then I will. She can even message it to me."

"She did not reply," EDI said.

"Thanks, anyway."

"You are welcome. Anything else I can help you with?"

"That's all for now."

"Very well."

[13:17:54, Msg out] [To Janie]: Tell me yourself. Use you words! Your fingers! And I'll do whatever you say...within reason.

[13:32:39, Msg out] [To Liara]: Do you know how may boyfriends I gave up for her? At least three. And that was fine. But I...I can't do that with Kaidan. He's the one! And you know I don't believe in that sort of thing, but I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know, maybe I do believe that, maybe Kaidan made me believe that, showed me how to. It hurts, Liara, it fucking hurts how much I love him....In a good way. A terrifyingly good way.

_[13:54:21, Msg in] [From Liara]: I know you do. I'm so happy for you both. I know this is not the way you want it to be, but we both knew it was the most likely outcome. How's he holding up._

[13:57:17, Msg out] [To Liara]: Surprisingly well. He's amazing! Keeping me sane, I think. I can't wait to marry him, but I don't know now with Jane. I really want to get it over with. I know there's no rush, but Spirits, I just want to be all his. It's probably sad to say, but I never thought she'd be there when we got married anyway. Never, ever thought she'd be at my wedding with anyone. Of course, I never really worried about that because I never thought I'd have one to begin with.

_[14:14:56, Msg in] [From Liara]: Tell me where and when and I'll be there._

[14:17:13, Msg out] [To Liara]: You'll be one of the first ones to know. You're at the top of the list, T'Soni.

_[14:20:28, Msg in] [From Liara]: I'll probably know before you do. I'm very good at what I do!_

[14:37:32, Msg out] [To Janie]: I love you.

[14:38:54, Msg out] [To Janie]: I

[14:38:58, Msg out] [To Janie]: Love

[14:39:04, Msg out] [To Janie]: You

[14:59:07, Msg out, (1/3)] [To Janie]: How many times do you want me to apologize? I'll do it as many as you want/need. I'm sorry! For everything. Ever. Sorry for keeping things from you, sorry for falling in love (not sorry for him, though), sorry for coming back alive from Akuze....sorry for not dying on Mindoir....that's what you wanted, right? I know! We don't have to pretend that it wasn't.

[Msg cont. 2/3] [To Janie]: You were so angry at me when I lived. Both times. Why have we never fucking talked about that? Why can't we fucking talk like normal human beings? You know that's messed up, right? That _we_ are messed up. It wasn't all about the mission, why I didn't want to tell you. You _know_ that. You _know_ this was always the way it was going to go...eventually.

[Msg cont. 3/3] [To Janie]: So what to we do now? You want me to leave you alone? Never speak to you again? Stop messaging you? Do you want time? Do you even know what you want? Do you want me to talk to Garrus? Do you want me to, I don't know, send out an apology live over the extranet to the whole Galaxy? You want me to retire? You want me to be on the front lines when the Reapers get here? I don't know, Janie, I don't know what else to do....

_[15:37:27, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: I love you!_

[15:37:57, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: I love you more!

[16:29:28, Msg out] [To Janie]: Jane, I lost you once. I mourned you, and it hurt so damn bad!! You didn't see how bad I was, and I don't want to lose you again. But if I lose Kaidan...well, you know what I'd do? I'd go crazy, probably get reckless until someone put me down. And I wouldn't even fucking fight it. You know I wouldn't. You know I'd go looking for it. Yes, I would fucking kill myself!! That's what I'm saying here. That's what you're making me choose between: Kaidan and death. Do you know that? Do you realize that? Yeah, I bet you do!! Because you know me. And it's obvious which one you want. And you'd be so fucking okay with that because at least you'd be winning. **[Message Deleted]**

[17:43:31, Msg out] [To Pops]: Jane found out. And not in a good way. What the hell do I do?!

_[17:47:19, Msg in] [From Pops]: Dammit John! We had a plan for this! How bad is it? (I'm guessing this means you're alive.)_

[17:50:02, Msg out] [To Pops]: Everyone got out alive, barely. I'll tell you all about it at the debrief....I'd say she's somewhere between Mindoir and Akuze level wrath. I'm camped outside her cabin, but she won't come out, talk to me, or return my messages.

_[17:55:49, Msg in] [From Pops]: I hate to say it, but that's a good thing if she's not as bad as Akuze. She really thought she lost you then. We both did. Just threats of death? Towards Alenko, I imagine? I suppose she'll have words for me as well. I did go with you to get the ring._

[17:59:59, Msg out] [To Pops]: Still glad you took us in? I wish she'd yell or something. Should I just back off and let her cool down? I don't know....anyway, we should be making port in a day or less, somewhere call Port Lox out in the Terminus System.

_[18:04:33, Msg in] [From Pops]: She needs time, you know that. I was hoping we'd have more of it beforehand. Best laid plans....Alright. I'll get started on getting you to Earth. Hang in there, son. We'll figure everything out._

[18:07:49, Msg out] [To Pops]: I could've handled it better, the whole thing....Earth? Are you on vacation? Slacking on the job, huh Councilor?

_[18:13:11, Msg in] [From Pops]: Former Councilor, stepped down a few hours ago. Just a lowly Admiral now. I'm heading to Earth. You and Alenko will meet me there._

[18:17:37, Msg out] [To Pops]: Okay, c'ya soon...dad.

_[18:21:57, Msg in] [From Pops]: One of these days, John, you're going to say that and mean it!_

[18:25:16, Msg out] [To Pops]: You know I already do, Pops!

[19:21:22, Msg out] [To Janie]: If you won't talk to me, will you at least talk to someone else? EDI is a good listener. I know Miranda doesn't like me because I wouldn't fuck her. Jacob doesn't like me because I made that crack about his dad one time. In my defense, our father died so long ago that I guess I forget we had one sometimes. (Except for Anderson.) What about Thane? He's a pretty good guy to talk to. Would advise against Mordin or Legion.

[19:48:52, Msg out] [To Janie]: I wrote you a song. Open the door and I'll sing it to you....

[19:58:27, Msg out] [To Janie]: Yeah, I probably shouldn't sing it. Dammit! I forgot how it went anyway. Should've written it down. It was something about how I know you won't forgive me for awhile, if ever, but that I'm here when you do or want to talk or want to scream or want to cause me bodily harm since that seems to be our pattern...

[20:13:09, Msg out] [To Janie]: Goddammit! Would you please just tell me to fuck off! I need to know what you want me to do so I can do it!

_[20:31:57, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: Do you want me to bring you a pillow and a blanket?_

[20:33:06, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: No, I'll probably be down in a little while. I know I'm not going to get anywhere doing this.

_[20:33:51, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: I'll wait up._

[20:34:05, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: You don't have to do that.

_[20:34:18, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: Want to._

_[21:19:16, Msg in] [From Janie]: You fucking tattled on me? FUCK YOU! Stop fucking messaging me asshole!!!!!!_

[21:21:02, Msg out] [To Janie]: Only since you asked nicely.

[21:22:14, Msg out] [To Pops]: I take it you talked to her?

_[21:24:01, Msg in] [From Pops]: She finally told you to leave her alone, huh? I supposed that's a good thing. She's no where near ready to talk to you, so just give her some space. And get some rest; you're going to have a busy week or two of traveling ahead of you. Take care, kiddo._

[21:24;36, Msg out] [To Pops]: Aye, sir. I'll call you tomorrow when we get settled somewhere. Heading to my bunk now. 

[21:25:15, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: Are you in bed?

_[21:25:35, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: Yes, and very lonely...Did you want me to tell you what I'm wearing?_

[21:26:04, Msg out] [To Tin Man]: I'm imagining that you're naked! Please don't take that away from me!! And scoot over! I'm about to come down and cuddle the ever living hell right out of your hot, naked ass!

_[21:26:19, Msg in] [From Tin Man]: We could all use a little less hell right about now._

John slipped into Donnelly's tiny bunk behind Kaidan a few minutes later. He kissed him on the cheek as he wrapped his arms around him tight. "I'll be your heaven," he whispered in his ear.

"I was hoping you'd say that," Kaidan replied as he rolled over and kissed his lips. "And I'll be yours."

He kissed Kaidan's forehead, snuggled in close, and whispered, "You already are."


	17. Survivor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John tells Kaidan a little about him and Jane's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jane is going to end up looking like the bad guy for a while, if she hasn't already. I don't really see her as evil, though, but her relationship with John is a bit disfunctional and slightly abusive.

_And if you want, we'll share this life_  
_Anytime you need a friend I'm gonna be by your side_  
_When nobody understands you_  
_Well, I do_  
**_-Overjoyed, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

John and Kaidan left the Normandy two days after the attack on the Collector Base. He knew John was upset about not saying goodbye to Jane, but there was nothing they could do about it. Jack, Garrus, Grunt, and a few others had disembarked with them, and they all checked into a nearby hotel for the night. They made plans to meet for dinner before going their separate ways.

As soon as him and John got to their room, John called Anderson. They were sitting on the bed, Kaidan leaning into him so he could be in frame when he answered. "So Admiral, what's new?" John teased when the older man's face appeared in front of them.

"Ha! Yeah, well, I had to do something after stepping down from my seat on the Council. I handed in my resignation as soon as I got word of the Normandy's return through Omega-4. I guess I wasn't cut out for politics. I'll need to put in for new uniforms with an admiralty star on them, but I won't complain about that," he replied.

John gave him a nod. "I guess I'll need to contact Tevos then. Doubt they liked me being out of the loop for so long."

"I took care of it. How did everything go?"

"Could've been better....I was kidnapped by the Collectors and they had to rescue me. When they did, I saw Kaidan and I just couldn't help myself. We kissed and she saw my ring, but the upside was that we all made it back. And I must admit that the crew, despite being Cerberus, were top notch. I can't imagine any of them would want to go back to the Illusive Man after being under Jane's leadership."

"Whoa, John, back up...kidnapped?" Anderson asked, attempting to hide the worry in his tone.

"Yes, with half the ship's noncombat detail. The rest showed up just in time to rescue us. That's when things went...sideways," John lamented.

"That was definitely not the ideal way to break the news, but I suppose I understand. Where are you now?"

"Hotel just outside the base here. Nice colony. Small, but friendly."

"Alright, well I'm en route to Earth. Already got started on getting you both there for a full debriefing. I'll send you the details when everything is finalized. Should be about two weeks from that far out."

"Earth, sir?" Kaidan asked confused. He was expecting to be sent to Arcturus or the Citadel.

"We all know the war is coming. Things need to be done before that happens, and Hackett wants John on Earth for the time being," Anderson explained.

"She's going to turn the Normandy over to the Alliance," John said.

"I'll be sure to let Hackett know. Might even get you some leave, I think you two deserve a little R&R. Take a nap, John! You look like hell," he snickered. "And go easy on room service. I'm not footing the bill this time."

"Aye, aye, Admiral," John chuckled with a lazy salute. They heard Anderson laugh as he cut the comms.

"They're gonna want to separate us," Kaidan said with a frown. He bowed his head slightly knowing that it was an inevitability that they might have to be split up.

"We won't let that happen," John said wrapping his arms around him. He kissed Kaidan's forehead and pulled them both down onto the bed. "I'm never letting you out of my sight again. And only out of my arms to fire our guns."

Kaidan laughed at that and finally returned John's embrace. He sought out and found his lips and kissed him long and slow, reveling in the fact that this was the only thing he had wanted to do since they met. Before he realized it, John had pulled him on top of him, one hand squeezing his ass, the other under his shirt, warm fingers tickling the skin on his back.

Kaidan's breath became erratic at the feel of John's body under his, but his mind was elsewhere. He didn't want to be separated from him; he was supposed to stay with this man for the rest of his life. 'Till death, from old age, do them part', not 'till the brass decided to rip them from each other's arms,' because that's exactly what they would have to do.

He had a feeling that the only way they would be able to stay together was if they got married. And soon. But they would at least have to wait until they got to Earth or his mother would kill him, and he didn't want to start out their marriage with both sides of their families ostracizing them. One was quite enough.

He kind of wanted to get the whole wedding thing over with anyway. John was already his husband and he was John's. They just needed to make it official, to add the bureaucratic red tape. Obviously, the Jane situation put a wrench in things. He wasn't sure what John would want to do about that.

"They can't separate us if we're married," John whispered as his mouth trailed kisses over his neck.

Yes, he was certain that they absolutely shared some sort of consensus like the Geth. "I didn't know how long you wanted to wait," Kaidan finally replied. He didn't want to wait long. He didn't want to wait, period.

"Not another minute longer than we have too, but if we wait for Jane to cool down, it might be a hundred years...How about when we get to Earth? That way your folks could be there at least. Anderson too...Shit, it's too soon, right?"

Kaidan pulled back and smiled adoringly as he looked down at concerned crystal eyes. "It's not soon enough," he assured John as he placed a chaste kiss on his lips. "Think he'll say anything? What about regs? What about Hackett?"

"No, he won't say anything. He was there when I picked up your ring, and we didn't break any regs. We didn't go against the chain of command, we're both the same rank, I'm not your CO and you're not mine. And Hackett won't be a problem. As much as I hate to admit it, she was kind of right when she said I'm Hackett's favorite pet," John chuckled self-deprecatingly.

"You sure you don't wanna wait for Jane to come around? I don't want you to regret anything," Kaidan said, stroking his hand over John's fuzzy head that he knew was a day or two away from getting buzzed.

"She lost her right for me to give a damn when she threatened to kill you," John said flatly.

"John, you don't mean that."

"No, I don't," he sighed tiredly. "Look, I've seen her like this before. This isn't even as bad as after Akuze. She wanted me to retire, more like ordered, but I told her 'no'. That was a pretty spectacular fight. That's when I got 'the scar'," he said, running his fingers over the thick scar tissue dissecting his hairline.

"She gave you that?" Kaidan asked, slightly horrified.

"It was an accident. She pushed me and I fell, tripped really...through a glass door. She sewed me up after, which is why it looks so bad. Practicing her field medicine, she said. I mean I couldn't exactly go the infirmary for medi-gel and tell them my sister beat me," John laughed, but it was hollow.

"I know she was just trying to protect me, to keep me safe, but she said I had to retire because I was damaged and a shit soldier because I got everyone else killed, because I always got everyone around me killed. I tried to walk away but...she was just upset," he explained.

Kaidan had absolutely no idea what to say to that. Their relationship was even more volatile than he realized. He thought John was joking when he said she had given him enough scars. He was almost afraid to ask about any others. "Spirits, that's...," he trailed off. He truly had no words.

"I know she just didn't want me getting hurt. Pretty much said I wasn't leaving her and that's why I couldn't go back to duty because I'd just end up getting myself and everyone else killed again, and she wasn't going to allow that. She wanted me to go AWOL, wanted us to run away. Anderson talked her down from that one, but we didn't talk for four months after that even though we lived together. That was fucking awkward.

"That's why she went ballistic on Torfan. She was still kind of pissed at me and we had it out the morning before the attack over something stupid that I can't remember. I probably took the last of the coffee or something," he chuckled. "I suppose I should be grateful she didn't take it out on me. I covered the worst of it up, though, the things she did...well, didn't cover it up, just lied a little, okay, more like didn't tell the whole truth to our CO's, to the brass. I could still get court-martialed for that if anyone found out."

"You covered things up for her?" Kaidan asked. He did not like this conversation one bit.

"That was the only time I could've been put on trial for it, if that's what you're asking. And the last. It was...I guess it was my olive branch. I messed up on Akuze and I had to make it up to her before she would talk to me again."

"John, you didn't do anything wrong on Akuze, okay? You were ambushed for gods' sake. You know that, right? That it wasn't your fault?" _Gods, please tell me you know that!_

"Yeah," he replied. "I know that. She was just trying to get her way, and that was only because she wanted me to be safe. She was just terrified of losing me. Like she is now."

"Still, you shouldn't've had to cover up fucking warcrimes to get her to talk to you!" Kaidan said, raising his voice and rolling off to the side. "I'm not sure I want you talking to her ever again."

"Kaidan, she's my sister! What the hell else was I supposed to do? She's all I have, and I'm all she has, family-wise. I mean, I couldn't let her get arrested when I could help her out," John said, matching his volume.

Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose trying to will away the tension headache that was forming behind his eyes. "Yes, John! That's exactly what you should've done! She broke the law and there are consequences to that. How many intergalactic laws did she break?"

"Four...and not if you're a Spectre."

"Four? Jesus Christ! That was supposed to be rhetorical. And she wasn't. Not then."

"Look, I know it was wrong. I do, and it's not something that I'm proud of or something that I'd do again, I don't think, but it's in the past, and I don't want you getting upset over it. What's done is done. I learned my lesson," he said, gently kneading the nape of Kaidan's neck right below his amp port. "Are you disappointed in me?" he asked sheepishly.

"No, I...I understand why you did it, but I'm a little upset that you had to be put in that position in the first place just because you told her 'no', because you didn't want to retire. That was not okay! What the hell is she going to want you to do to make up for us? Assassinate a Councilor?" he asked sarcastically.

"Well, Anderson is retired now so—"

"John!" Kaidan snapped

"Kidding," he replied.

"Not funny," Kaidan muttered as he pressed his forehead into the side of John's head.

"My point was that I know I'm always the one mending our bridges, but I don't mind, I really don't because I love her and that's what you do for family," John said.

"No, that's not what families are supposed to do. It's not supposed to be all on you. You shouldn't have to be the only one mending bridges and giving out olive branches, especially when you did _nothing_ wrong. She's supposed to meet you halfway at least. _That's_ what families do," he tried to explain.

"But what about now, K? She has every right to be angry at us. I knew that was going to happen. It was going to happen with anyone I brought 'home', but it was worse because of your history with her, I'm sure. And the secrecy of it. I know it'll be awhile before she's ready to work through it. Who knows, she may never be. That might've been it. But I still have to try to repair the broken bridge between us."

"Yes, we both do," Kaidan agreed. "But you're right, she may never be. Or maybe she needs more time. It's still raw for her, might be for a while. But when she's ready, she'll come around," Kaidan tried to assure him, thumb stroking John's cheek for comfort. He wasn't quite sure if he believed that or if he even wanted it to be true after hearing all that.

"But if she goes off and does something crazy, then I'll have to help her clean it up because it's my fault," John said.

"If she does something crazy, that's not your fault! All of her actions are not on you, regardless of how pissed off she is about you or us or life. There's a little something called accountability and she has to own up to the things she does. She's a grown adult, and that's what adults do. I'm sorry you've had to clean up after her for so long that you don't know any different because that wasn't fair to you."

"Life is not fucking fair, Kaidan! You have family, your mom and dad, all your cousins. You have people who love and support you, but all I have is Jane. She's all I've had for more than half of our lives. And what? I'm supposed to let that go because she can be a tyrannical, controlling, possessive sister sometimes? We have issues, she has issues, but who doesn't? I can handle her. You know she's not like that all the time. She's done some good things," John reasoned.

"How many of those have been _for_ you? When has she not been that way with you?"

John looked away, shaking his head, then sighed.

"She hardly talked to you the whole time we were on the ship. And I thought it was because she was busy, or because maybe you guys just didn't talk much, but that wasn't it at all, was it? She has no idea how to talk to you without yelling, does she? When's the last time she treated you like you're a human being that was actually worth something?"

"It's not her fault, Kaidan. She's...you don't understand what we've been through. You don't understand, you...it's...it's complicated," he groaned in frustration, dragging a hand down his face.

"Well...explain it to me then. She's not just your problem anymore. I might not have been through it with you, but I want to understand who you are and where you came from because your past has made you into the man I love, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with," Kaidan said calmly, running his hand up and down John's bicep.

John took a deep breath and sighed as he nodded. "She blames me for not saving our mother on Mindoir, and she's probably right to...," he started, eyes welling with tears. "Me and Janie were out in the fields and saw her running towards us to warn us. We had been harvesting peas when we heard her screaming. I looked up just in time to watch three Batarians come out of no where and grab her and start to drag her off...Jane wanted to go help.

"Well, she wanted me to go help, which was fine because of my biotics, but I knew it would've been pointless, we both would've died and Jane would've been left alone. So...I just held her while she swung at me over and over again until she couldn't anymore. She was so angry. I covered her mouth so her yells were muffled and pulled her down into a ditch.

"She beat the shit out of me. The Alliance soldiers assumed the Batarians had done it when they rescued us. They said I was brave, but I wasn't. I was weak. She's always been the strong one. I know she still hates me for that, for not listening to her, for not doing anything, for not trying at least. I hate myself for it. And that's probably why I've done everything I can for her, to make up for it some how. Because I owe her. I owe them both."

"Sweetheart, none of that was your fault. You have to know that!" Kaidan said. "You were just a kid. No way you could've taken on three _armed_ Batarians at sixteen, and you know there were more than three. You did the right thing. I'm sure that's what your mother would've wanted you to do. To protect Jane. I'm sure that's all you've ever tried to do."

"I could've tried to do _something_ at least, instead of just hiding like a damn coward while everyone else died! She was right about Akuze, that always fucking happens to me, everybody dies!" he insisted, the dam breaking as tears trickled down his temples.

"John, honey, that's not true," Kaidan said softly and slowly as he wiped away his tears. "You're not a coward, you're a survivor, and what you're feeling is survivor's guilt. None of that blood is on your hands. None of it. I understand that you feel like you need to make up for it, but you don't. And even if you did, your debt has long since been paid with the amazing things you've done in your career. Trust me on that."

"I-I don't know, maybe it would've been better that way," John replied, a new flood of tears pouring out from now-bloodshot eyes.

"What? You mean if you had died?"

John shrugged, pursing his lips to one side as he stared up at the ceiling.

"No!" Kaidan thundered, pushing himself up onto his elbow slightly so he could lean over him, his fingers guiding John's chin towards him so he would look him in the eye. "Don't you ever think that! You did what you had to do. I'm sure she knows that. Deep down, she has to."

"I guess," he shrugged, looking away again.

Kaidan sighed and laid back down. He gently drew a hand over John's forehead and up onto his fuzzy head, repeating the motion as the younger man's breathing deepened. "You're just upset right now, and that's okay. You've had a very emotionally taxing week, couple of weeks really. We all have. Taking a timeout will do us all some good."

"Hope so," John replied, obviously unconvinced. "Maybe I'm just being selfish. I already lost her once, I mourned her. But I got her back, a second chance, right? I should be doing whatever I have to do to keep her safe this time, not things to drive her away," he said as he finally sat up.

"What were we supposed to do? Never tell her about us? Hide everything? You know that never would've worked," Kaidan said, sitting up so he could rub circles on his back.

"Maybe we shouldn't be getting married then."

"I can wait. We can wait, for as long as you want. I'm sure we can find a way. Anderson can find a way, to keep us together," Kaidan said optimistically.

"You know that's not going to happen. He can't play favorites, can't keep us together just because we asked nicely. We're Alliance soldiers, Kaidan, we go where they need us and that might not be together...and I meant ever," he said, bowing his head, jaw clenched so tight that Kaidan thought his teeth were going to fuse together.

Kaidan looked at him in disbelief. "You can't mean that!? After everything? After...you just want to give up? Call off our...you wanna break up with me, too?" he asked, voice going rough like sandpaper in his throat as he tried not to panic while he swallowed down all the twisted, conflicting emotions swelling up inside him.

"No...no, I don't want that," John said, strong and certain, taking one of Kaidan's hands and intertwining their fingers, threading the other through Kaidan's hair and pulling him close so he could bring their foreheads together. "I just...what if she never talks to me again because of you? What if she makes me choose?"

"Thought she already had," Kaidan said honestly.

"And you can live with that? Being the reason we never speak again? Not the whole reason, but part of it?" he asked, pulling away so they could look each other in the eye. "If it comes to that?"

"Yes, I can live with that as long as I have you. It might not be easy for either of us sometimes, but we'll work through it. I know we will. Can you love me, knowing I am part of that reason?"

"Yes. I didn't choose to love you, I just do. I always knew it was a possibility that it'd go down that way, but my heart still wanted you, wants you," John replied firmly. "I love Jane. I know I lose my temper and push her buttons sometimes. I know I haven't done everything right by her, but I've tried my best, tried to make her happy...I'm just so tired, K, because nothing I do is ever good enough for her. I don't know how much more I can give her," John said.

"I know...no, John, I really don't, but I know you're a good man, and I know this is hard for you. And I don't know what I can do or say to help you because I know I can't change the way things went down or the way I feel about you or the way she feels about you now. But I do know that I can try my best to support you because gods know you deserve that much at least.

"I get that you're probably used to dealing with this, with her, on your own, but you're not alone anymore. This is just as much my problem as it is yours, and I can deal with that. I can deal with her and the consequences because we're a team here. Me and you! Mr. and Soon-to-be-Mr. Alenko, that's who we are: lovers, partners, kickass space husbands," Kaidan chuckled.

John nodded and sniffled. "Well, Kickass Space Husband," he smirked, "We need to get moving or we'll be late for dinner with our son and some good friends that we might not get to see for a very looong time." He stood up and reached his hand out for Kaidan to take. They shared a brief kiss before John slipped into the bathroom to wash his face.

Kaidan waited for him by the door, mulling over everything they had just talked about. He supposed marrying someone with a sibling like Jane should've scared him, but it didn't. He knew Jane was a good person, mostly, and he understood that all families weren't as amazing and supportive as his, but he was somewhat disturbed by what John told him, about the amount of guilt he harbored which Jane seemed to reinforce instead of alleviate, seemed to feed off of really.

Yes, people had issues, family had issues, but no one deserved to be beat down repeatedly for something that wasn't their fault. It only made him love John more because despite their rocky relationship, his history, he made it out on the other side a good man, a great man. And Kaidan was going to make sure he knew that.

John came out of the bathroom looking more like the confident man Kaidan knew he was. He grabbed him and pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him to hold him tight. "I love you," he whispered in his ear.

"I love you, too," John whispered back. He pulled away and took Kaidan's hand, intertwining their fingers. He gave him one last peck on the lips before leading them out of their room hand in hand.


	18. Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan and John have some sexy shower time and make plans; John sort of meets the parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd give you guys a little reward for getting through all that angst. So here, have some smut. Just a little, but there's more to come. :D Enjoy!

_But baby I don't ever wanna make you feel too rushed,_  
_Make you feel like love wouldn't be enough,_  
_But that's just another "Don't mean much",_  
_Like a high school crush, make you wanna run,_  
_Can't you see the way I need you crazy,_  
_And I want you in my arms every night,_  
_Of my life._  
**_-How Long, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

"Good morning, my soon to be Space Husband," Kaidan purred, as he kissed his way up from John's collarbone to his lips. He lightly raked his fingers over John's chest down past his abs on his way to tease his morning erection.

"I'm up," John lazily mumbled, the smile on his lips felt on Kaidan's.

"Shower?" Kaidan asked, voice rough in his throat, as he worked his way back down to John's collarbone, his teeth scrapping over his skin, hand slowly pumping his swiftly swelling cock.

"Mhmm," he replied, eagerly throwing off the covers and climbing out of bed. Kaidan followed behind, grabbing John's hands and wrapping both of their arms around his already naked body. He was practically pulling the younger man back into him as they meandered forward.

When John leaned over to turn on the water, Kaidan just couldn't resist. He smacked his ass and chuckled when John spun around and shot him a playful scowl. He shrugged back, a smug smiling on his face, and arranged the towels. John rechecked the water temperature before hopping in, Kaidan quickly jumping in behind him.

"You have my handprint on your ass," Kaidan teased, squeezing the red mark on his cheek while he kissed John's wet shoulders.

"I was wondering when you were going to brand me," John quipped as he spun around, strong hands going to Kaidan's waist. John leaned in and kissed him hard sending his head swimming as he was maneuvered around so that John could pin him to the wet wall. He shuttered when his back hit the cold tile.

John reached down to turn up the water temperature before reclaiming Kaidan's lips, the older man's mouth opening happily to accept him as they kissed each other, greedily and wanton, hands caressing every inch of skin they could reach as their hips danced to the rhythm of falling water and breathy moans.

Kaidan hooked one arm over John's shoulder, the other traveled between them to pumped John's shaft as his fiancé mirrored the gesture on his. He could've sworn he was in a dream clinging tight to that man of his as they floated together cocooned in their own person cloud, but that was probably just the steam.

He went weak in the knees when John's lips fluttered over the sensitive curve of his neck as he quickened the pace. Kaidan matched his strokes the best he could but his mind was so hazy from want as the pressure built towards his climax that he soon gave up on trying and just hoped he brought the man the same amount of pleasure simply by being near him that John brought to him.

"Fuck, Kaidan," John moaned, the sound of his name on John's tongue spurring him on as he increased his vigor, his strokes hard, fast, and messy. "Fuuck...."

"Gods, you feel so good," Kaidan managed to mumble.

"So do you, beautiful," John said before kissing him deeply. He broke away and cried out the letter 'K', his rhythm faltering just a little as he spilt out in Kaidan's hand, hips bucking into his tight fist.

"John," Kaidan whimpered as he followed him over the edge, their bodies spasming as they held each other up, the near-scolding water washing them clean as they caught their breath in the humid room.

John kissed him softly before pulling back and smiling contently at him. They took turns washing each other, mapping the other's body with soapy fingers, before exiting the shower and toweling off. Their omni-tools beeped simultaneously as they left the bathroom in search of clothes.

"That's quick," Kaidan said, looking over their itinerary for their trip back to Earth. "We leave in three hours."

"Were you wanting to stick around here for awhile?" John asked raising an eyebrow.

"Not particularly. It's just that we'll be in transit for the next twelve days. Looks like we might get one night on some moon, but I highly doubt we'll get anymore time alone together," he frowned.

"So what you're saying is, we shouldn't bother getting dressed?" John smirked.

"What I'm saying is that I was hoping we'd have some sort of plan in place about what we're going to do when we get there."

"Oh...so you're saying we need to make a decision on when we're getting married," John said, pulling on his briefs quickly followed by his dark jeans.

"I was okay with that naked thing, too," Kaidan sighed as he got dressed as well. "I just want to make sure we're on the same page here," he continued as he sat down on the small couch in the corner and pulled on a tight black t-shirt that stuck to his slightly moist skin.

John quickly joined him, putting on a matching t-shirt. He wrapped his arm around Kaidan's shoulder and pulled him close. "Basically, we're back to the whole, 'Are we going to take our chances with being separated and wait for Jane to come around,' verses, 'Screw the galaxy, let's do it'? What are your parents going to say? You haven't even mentioned me."

"They're going to love you because I love you," Kaidan smiled as he craned his neck and gave him an off-centered kiss on the side of his mouth.

"I know what I want, Kaidan, I want you. But what's Jane going to say when she finds out?"

"This is _our_ life, John, you and me. No one else gets a say in this. Others—Jane, my family, our friends—can have opinions, they can support us, they can object, they can hate us for being together, for being happy, but this is no one's decision but ours, and I think we've already made it. You said I was it for you, well, you're it for me!

"If you want to go find the base chaplain right now, I will marry you today. If you want to wait for Jane to forgive us and that's in thirty years, then I will wait thirty years, I'll wait a hundred. And I'll do it from right here where I belong, by your side."

"I love you," John whispered as he leaned his head onto Kaidan's.

"I love you, too."

"....I don't want to wait."

Kaidan didn't either; he wanted to get married as soon as possible. He'd never given the idea of marriage any real thought until John came along. Maybe a fleeting one would pop into his mind when he'd go home and see how happy his parents were, but he'd never imagined that he'd find someone he wanted to commit to so fully, so completely, and so desperately.

He had an insatiable thirst that only John could ever quench. They were written in the stars and all he wanted to do was make sure everyone in the galaxy knew where he belonged: in John's arms, in his bed, and by his side.

"Unless you wanna wait," John said, pulling away again.

"Spirits no! But if you don't mind, can we wait until we get to Earth? I'm sure Anderson and my mother would appreciate that. If Jane won't support us, it'll be nice to have a few people who will," Kaidan said.

"Whatever you want, Love," John said as he kissed his temple. "I just don't want you to feel like we're rushing into this. And I don't want to get married just because we have to to stay together. And I don't want Jane to think we're doing it to hurt her, because she's so going to think that. She's going to think that regardless...I just want you to be sure."

"I am sure. John, we're engaged. We planned on getting married; that's what getting engaged is. I said I would marry you and I meant it. Our whole relationship has been sudden and unexpected, but not once have I felt rushed with any of it. It just feels right, all of it, with you. And I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about that.

"Call me cold, but I just want to be yours. I just want everyone to know that I'm _yours._ And if you never wanted to get married, I'd still be here with you because that's where I belong. We're not getting married so we can stay together, we're getting married so we can just _be_ together," Kaidan explained. "And as soon as we get back to Earth, I'm making you Mr. Kaidan Alenko...well, John Alenko," he smirked.

"Alright then," John grinned wide. "We have things to do," he muttered as he pulled up his omni-tool and opened up his contacts. Before Kaidan could question what he was doing, he heard Jack's 'friendly' greeting on the other end.

"What the fuck do you want now?" she barked with no malice in her bite. "I just talked to you guys last night. Ugh, I'm trying to get off the godforsaken planet so make it quick, would ya!"

"Can you to come to Earth in two weeks or so?" John asked. "Should we make it three?" he asked Kaidan.

"Uh, sure," Kaidan shrugged in agreement. "That'll give us some wiggle room."

"What the hell for?" Jack asked confused.

"Kaidan needs a best man," he explained. "I'll pay your way."

Her eyes softened just a bit as she held back a smirk. "Fine," she huffed before hanging up.

"You didn't have anyone else in mind, did you?" John asked nervously. "I should've asked. She can be mine."

Kaidan smiled noticing his uneasiness, "I couldn't think of anyone else up to the task. I owe that foul-mouthed, ink covered, psychotic biotic more than she'll ever know...please don't ever tell her I said any of that," he pleaded. He really did like Jack, and he didn't have anyone else in mind.

"We've got enough women in the galaxy trying to kill us," John teased.

"Who's going to be yours? One of your N buddies?"

John punched in another number and Liara's sleepy face appeared before them. "John, Kaidan, is everything alright?" she asked groggily.

"Sorry to wake you, Liara, but I need a favor," John said, his voice a lot softer than when he talked to Jack.

"Anything," she replied.

"I need a maiden of honor for my wedding and thought of you. You are my favorite maiden after all. I'll be sending a message to Jane, Anderson probably will too, but I don't have high hopes that she'll be up to it," he sighed heavily. Kaidan's thumb lightly caressed the hand constricting his like a vice.

"When do you need me?" she asked with a soft frown.

"I think we've settled on about three weeks on Earth. If you can't make it, I'll understa—"

"I will be there....any progress with Jane?"

"No, but I really think she's taking it a helluva lot better than I thought. Maybe she's growing up," John said dryly. "Or maybe she's just plotting my demise to spring on me unexpectedly."

"She loves you."

"Yeah, I know...So you think you can make it?"

"Of course! I'm really happy for you both and I'll absolutely be you're maiden of honor...whatever that is," she smiled fondly.

"Human tradition. You just stand there by my side and have my back while I pledge my life and undying love to this man of mine," he said as he place his arm around Kaidan's shoulder and pulled him close until their heads rested together. Kaidan couldn't see it but he was certain John had an equally content smile on his face.

"Wouldn't miss it for anything!"

"We'll let you get back to sleep," Kaidan interrupted after Liara let out a yawn.

"Thank you. Talk to you soon," she said before cutting the comms.

"I should probably give my mother a heads up that I'll be bringing my fiancé home," Kaidan mumbled onto John's neck before giving it a kiss. John turned his head to look at him. His lips were pursed to one side, a face Kaidan had learned he made when he was nervous. "They're gonna love you," he assured him and punctuated it with a sweet kiss on the lips.

He pulled up his own omni-tool, took a steadying breath, and called his mother. By his calculations, it was early evening in Vancouver and he hadn't expected her to pick up right away. Maybe he hoped that she wouldn't have. He was nervous, too.

He'd never told his mother he'd been engaged before, let alone that the wedding would be in three weeks or as soon as all parties had arrived. She knew he had a fluid sexuality and was just as kind to the few boys he brought home as the girls, which were admittedly few as well. Although he knew she would never admit it, she would've probably preferred he married a woman if only for the potential for grandchildren. In the end, she'd want him to be happy, and with John, he was.

"Hey mom," he said cheerfully when she picked up.

"Oh sweetie, it's so good to hear from you! I've missed you so much! Chase, our son's calling," she hollered over her shoulder. When she turned back, a flash of confusion painted her face as her eyes found John for what Kaidan thought was the first time.

Before she could inquire as to why her son was sitting so close to him—not that she needed to—a deep booming voice filled the room as his father came into view, "Kaidan, is that you?"

"Yeah, dad," he answered amused. The man only had one son, one child.

"And who's this?" Chase asked before his mother could.

"Uh, mom, dad, this is John Shepard...he's my—"

"Boyfriend?" his mother interrupted.

"Fiancé," Kaidan corrected. His father's eyes widened just a tad while his mother's swelled with tears she successfully held back. He knew it was most likely out of surprise. He hadn't mention he was dating anyone, so the shock was understandable. And well, their whirlwind romance had been a shock for him too.

John cleared his throat and spoke, "This isn't exactly the way we would've liked to break the news, and I'm sure it's all a bit sudden for you, but I love your son with all my heart and I plan on making him the happiest man in the whole, guess I'd say world, but that's not nearly enough...whole galaxy at the very least."

His mother sniffled a bit and smiled. "We look forward to getting to know you then," she said. "John, was it?"

"That's right, Staff Commander John Shepard, Alliance Navy, at your service ma'am," he said with a nod and a gentle smile.

Just when Kaidan thought he couldn't love the man any more than he already did, he goes and makes his mother swoon, and it doubles.

"He out ranks you?" his father asked Kaidan with a raised brow. He wasn't sure what he was thinking. His father was a by-the-book kind of man so regs most likely.

"Uh, no actually. I got promoted just before my last assignment. I would've told you, but it's been a _very_ busy few months." So busy that he'd almost forgotten about it himself.

His father grunted in what he could only think was approval that he didn't risk his career for the man. "Shepard, you say? Like Commander Shepard?" Chase asked John.

"She's my sister, twin actually," John answered.

"Oh wow, isn't that exciting!" his mother beamed.

"I suppose you met when she was Kaidan's CO?" Chase asked.

"No, sir...w-we, uh," John stuttered, looking towards Kaidan for some sort of help. Kaidan almost missed it because he was so consumed with the fact that love was currently tripling in his chest at how flustered John was to notice.

"We met a few months ago," Kaidan said, taking over. "I know that sounds a bit fast and is probably quite a shock to you. It was to me too, to us, but—"

"You just know," his mother interjected.

Kaidan blushed with a small affirmative nod.

"We can certainly relate to that, son," Chase said as he shot a smile to his wife. Kaidan did the same to John, and with the smile he got back, he knew he'd found what he hadn't even realized he'd been looking for, the same thing his parents had.

"So, when's the big day?" his mother asked, happiness written all over her face.

"We're heading back home for debriefings...our assignment is over and—"

"You want to do it as soon as possible so they don't separate you," his dad finished.

 _How do they keep doing that?_ Kaidan thought to himself. "Yes. We should be there in about two weeks or so. We were thinking about three, just to be safe."

"Chase, honey, I suppose we have a wedding to plan," his mother teased. "Since it's such short notice, it'll have to be something small, but knowing you, Kaidan, that's exactly what you want. Will the Commander be joining us?"

"Jane? I'm not sure if she'll be able to make it, ma'am," John answered softly.

"Please, call me Margaret, even mom if you'd like. After all, we'll soon be family," she smiled. "Do you have a guest list? Any preferences?"

"We have a guest list of about three, that's with our best man and maiden of honor...and the man giving me away," John said with a teasing look at Kaidan. "That's really all we need, I think."

"Okay, this may be smaller than I thought. Well, sweetie, you know we'll have to invite your grandparents and a few cousins, aunts and uncles. Is that alright?"

"Yes, that's fine with me. What about you, John?" Kaidan asked.

"I'm sure it'll be fine. Family is fine...I don't have any myself other than Jane so my side of the aisle might be a little barren," John said with a humorless chuckle, "And I'm not sure if any of my friends are stationed near Vancouver so...but whoever you want to invite, Kaidan, is fine with me," he said with that same nervous tick Kaidan had seen a few minutes ago.

Kaidan's mother must have picked up on his nervousness, too. "How about we keep the wedding small, your father and I plus your...three guest, then we can celebrate with a party with extended family and friends after," she suggested.

"That sounds perfect, mom," Kaidan agreed. It seemed that his mother could read John just as well as he could, and he never loved them more. If he had any other doubts about him and John, they were squashed to bits right then.

"It's not the wedding I imaged for my only child, but I think that sounds just like you, sweetie. I suppose I'll get started on plans since it's a bit short notice, and you can have the final say or make changes when you arrive. I am going to insist that both of you get married in your dress blues. But other than that, I'll try not to go all crazy mother of the, well, one of the grooms," she smirked.

"Now, honey, it's their wedding, not yours," Chase teased.

"I doubt Kaidan and I would be much help anyway. Color coordinating my armor to the terrain I'm in is about as good as I get with things like that. I am partial to roses, though," John added.

"You boys leave everything to me. I'll try not to disappoint or go too girly," she chuckled.

"I appreciate that mother," Kaidan smirked.

"Okay, you two look a little tired so we won't keep you any longer. Just be sure to tell us when you'll be arriving so I can set up the plans," she said kindly.

"I'll send you our itinerary. Love you guys," Kaidan said.

"We love you too, son," Chase said.

"And we can't wait to meet you in person, John," Margaret said.

"Likewise," John smiled.

"Bye, guys," Kaidan waved, shutting off his omni-tool.

John fell back into the couch as soon as it flickered off. Kaidan leaned into him and kissed his lips as he swung a leg over John's lap to straddle him. He pulled back and gazed down at him lovingly, a hand reaching up to cup his cheek as John's fingers dug into his thighs. He nuzzled his face into John's neck, his other arm slung over his shoulder, slowly breathing him in and content to stay there for the rest of their life.

"I guess that's it then," John whispered, his hands sliding up Kaidan's back to burrow into his still-damp hair.

"What do you mean, 'that's it'? We still have an hour before we have to check out," Kaidan said, voice going low and raspy as he straightened up; his bedroom voice, John would soon come to call it. He couldn't help but smile when John rocked his hips up into him, teeth sinking into his bottom lip seductively. And before he knew it, they were once again naked.


	19. Mr. & Mr. Alenko

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The honeymoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda skipping over the wedding here, but hot honeymoon smut took precedent. Enjoy!

_Come inside the air I breathe_  
_While the band still plays_  
_It's the end of the coldest week_  
_Come down into the sea_  
**_-English Town, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

Kaidan and John arrived on Earth thirteen days after being kicked off the Normandy. They were married four days later in a small ceremony at the Alenko family orchard that turned out to be a little bigger than they planned when Garrus, Tali, and a few extra Alenkos showed up. Even Hackett made an appearance before being called away on business.

And no one asked how but Liara had managed to smuggle Grunt along as well. Kaidan's parents were a bit shocked to meet their first grandchild, him being a Krogan and all, but they took it in strides after the newlyweds promised to think about adding some human babies to their brood.

They had a small celebration directly following in which John was actually able to invite a few friends he found out were in the area. There were also the usual wedding fair: food, cake, alcohol, a band, and quite a few jokes about how John tricked Kaidan into marrying him before he showed him his signature dance moves. He wasn't so bad on the slow songs.

Kaidan felt like he had floated through the whole thing on a cloud. It was all so surreal when he stopped to think about it. John would catch him staring, gears turning in his head as he contemplated whether or not the passed three months had actually happened. John would smirk and he would decide that they had.

Anderson had arranged for them to have a few days off before debriefs to go on a small honeymoon in the Caribbean. It was only for three days but that was better than nothing, and three seemed to be their lucky number.

The flight was quick and uneventful as was the ride to the hotel. The sunshine was bright and the pleasant warmth was a welcome change from the chill of Vancouver when they stepped off the shuttle. From the lobby, he could see the vibrant blue of the sea and hear the crashing waves on the shore. The view was heavenly, but he didn't notice. All he could focus on was John's ass as he sauntered over to the front desk to get them checked in.

He knew he was smiling all lovestruck, but he was allowed.

"Hi there! My name is Mindy, and it will be my pleasure to serve you today!" the woman at the desk said to John, chipper and flirty. For a split second, or several, Kaidan was jealous. He quickly gave up on exploring the lobby after that.

"Nice to meet you, Mindy. John Alenko, my husband and I have reservations," he stated happily.

Kaidan came up behind him and wrapped his arms around John's chest, chin resting on his shoulder as he smiled at the young, perky blonde whose face fell a little as he did so. He knew John didn't care for women, but he still had some primitive instinct that made him want to stake his claim.

"We're on our honeymoon," John gushed to the poor woman who seemed to be more crushed than she should have been at that revelation. Kaidan understood; his husband was fucking hot as hell.

"Congratulations!" she feigned excitement. "What was the name again?"

"John and Kaidan Alenko....Is the room service good here?" Kaidan asked. "Doubt we'll be leaving the room," he loudly 'whispered' before he softly kissed John's neck.

The bellhop led them to their room, and they were both surprised that it was in fact the honeymoon suite. Anderson was the one who booked their travel plans. They needed to make sure to do something special to say thanks.

"He really loves you," Kaidan said while they waited for the bellhop to carry in their luggage.

"Surrogate father. He was on the ship that rescued Jane and me from Mindoir. He's been stuck with us ever since," John replied.

"I thought you were joking when you said he'd be giving you away at the wedding," he smirked.

"Anything else I can help you with?" the bellhop interrupted.

"That's all for now," John said as he gave the bellhop a tip. He shut the door after the man left and turned around only to be attacked by Kaidan.

"Spirits, I love you!" Kaidan purred, backing John up into the door and kissing the breath right out of both of them. He slipped a knee between John's legs and rocked their hips together earning him a low moan as he pinned him against the hard metal door. He bit his bottom lip when John squeezed his ass and rolled their hips together again.

John's warm fingers worked their way under the hem of Kaidan's shirt and peeled it off of him. "Love you, too!" he said onto Kaidan's skin right before he gave him a love bite on his neck. His hands slid down Kaidan's back to his thighs and roughly picked him up. Kaidan wrapped his legs around his waist and tightened his grip around his shoulders, holding on for the ride. Gods, he loved being married to someone who was strong enough to manhandle him. It was oddly thrilling.

John carried him over to the bed and gently laid them down. He pulled slightly back and gazed down into Kaidan's eyes with a smile brighter than any star he'd ever seen, eyes bluer than the ocean he ignored outside. Goosebumps raced over every inch of his skin when calloused knuckles grazed his cheek, and he swallowed hard when the pad of John's thumb ghosted over this lips.

It felt like they stayed like that for a lifetime gazing into each other's soul before John finally closed the gap between them and kissed him again. It wasn't their first kiss as a married couple or the first time they would make love—the wedding night was two days ago—but it was the first time they could drown the galaxy out and melt into each other without a care in the world. And that in and of itself was pretty spectacular.

They kissed slowly for awhile both wanting to enjoy every swirl of their tongues together, every nibble, and every single point of contact. But it didn't take long before Kaidan needed more. He needed to feel John's skin on his. Like his husband had done to him, he worked his hands under John's shirt and peeled it off over his head.

John started kissing his neck, sucking, nipping, and licking as he went along making sure to mark every inch of him with his mouth. He worked his way down to his pecks, teasing a nipple with his tongue before biting into the sensitive skin. Kaidan let out a hiss of pleasure, half of which hitched in his throat as he bucked his hips.

"Fuck...John!" he managed to gasp.

John chuckled up at him with a smug yet sultry smile. "Is that an order, Commander?" John asked with a raised brow, sticking his tongue out to run it along the nipple he just bit.

Looking down at the sight before him, that was exactly what it was. "Fuck yes! I need you inside me!"

"You know I can't say no to you," John said as he continued his journey downward over mocha skin toward Kaidan's uncomfortably restrictive pants. He unfastened them and wiggled them off, Kaidan lifting his body to help. John mouthed over his stiff cock through the fabric of his briefs and Kaidan couldn't help but whimper his name again.

Kaidan growled in protest when John broke away and got off the bed. "Gonna leave me like this?" he teased pushing himself up onto his elbows to see what his husband was up to.

"I'm never leaving you," John said firmly before bending down and digging into his bag. He turned around and held up a bottle of lube with a satisfying smirk.

Kaidan flopped down onto the fluffy pillows. "I really do love you," he said looking up to the ceiling as he waited.

Kaidan felt the bed shift as John started crawling upward until he was in his line of sight. "I know," John said before leaning down and recapturing his lips. He pulled back so he could straddled Kaidan's hips. "You look so beautiful under me. Hell, you look beautiful over me too!"

Kaidan blushed and rolled his hips upward. After he realized John was naked, his briefs were suddenly way too tight. John helped him out of them and threw them haphazardly over his shoulder to join their other discarded clothes. He leaned back down and went back to work on Kaidan's neck.

One of John's forearms was holding him up while the other hand gripped both of their harden lengths. He stroked them lazily as their cocks slid alongside the other, one of Kaidan's hands joining his to increase the friction. Kaidan let out a string of muffled curses when John's thumb swiped over the slit of his penis. John lightly bit into his shoulder when he did the same in retaliation.

John released his hold on him and sat up to reposition himself lower on the bed. He grabbed the lube and coated his fingers. Kaidan watched him with half-lidded eyes and bit his lip seductively. He grunted for John to hurry up and received a low chuckle for his impatience. That throaty laugh alone was nearly enough to send him over the edge.

Not soon enough, John was teasing his entrance before slowly pushing forward into him with a cold, slick finger. Their eyes were locked as John slowly stretched him open, preparing his body to take all of him in. John added another before taking Kaidan's cock into his mouth. Kaidan arched into him, one hand fisted in the sheets, the other on the back of John's head. It was times like that when he wished the man had more hair.

He gasped when another finger was added. The feeling was incredible. The wet heat of John's mouth as he sucked and licked along his shaft from the tip to the base was hands down the best thing he'd ever felt in his life. And it only intensified when John hit his prostate with skilled, nimble fingers that sent spikes of salacious heat shooting out through every nerve ending in his body.

"Please...I need you," Kaidan whined. He didn't care that he sounded needy because he absolutely was. He needed more, he needed John inside him, he needed to be so much closer.

"You have me," John assured him soothingly as he removed his fingers and lubed himself up. He lifted Kaidan's hips, hooking one of his legs over his shoulder, and slowly pressed the tip of his cock into Kaidan's eager body.

"Gods, you're suck a tease!"

"That's how you wanna play it, Love?" John smirked, making a full retreat until his pulsating head, leaky with precum, was a hair's width from Kaidan's slippery opening.

"Pleeease, John! I need you all the way in me right now or I'm gonna fucking die here!" Kaidan shouted. In that moment, he truly believed that.

"Now, we can't have that, dear husband. I just got you."

Kaidan cried out with delight when John surged forward and buried himself inside him in one swift motion, only stilling when their bodies were flush. John leaned down and kissed him, long and sweet, before tentatively beginning to pump into him. One hand was gripping the thigh hooked over his shoulder to pull Kaidan closer, the other was at his hip doing the same.

That was, without a doubt, the single most incredible moment of Kaidan's life. Feeling John inside him would've been amazing by itself, but he was looking down at him with so much love and affection that it seemed like he was in a dream sequence, his vision going white around the edges every time John hit that sweet spot deep inside him.

Kaidan was not a passive lover, but he was completely helpless, at John's mercy, when that man leaned down and practically bent him in half. He wasn't even thrusting anymore, he was gently rolling his hips as Kaidan tried but failed to scream his name, his uncoordinated fingers raking down John's back as they scrambled to find purchase.

He wasn't sure if John actually said 'I love you, Kaidan,' or if it was just his imagination. It was probably for the best because he couldn't remember his own name at the moment. They had not been together long enough for John to have gotten to know his body so completely, but he did, and Kaidan didn't have the mind to argue.

"Fuck...Kaidan," John moaned. That he heard because it was punctuated by a hard bit on his collarbone that he was sure drew blood. He was right. He pulled John's head back to kiss him hard, and on his tongue, he tasted the all too familiar tang of blood. "Sorry," his husband apologized.

"So good! So close," Kaidan rasped. He regretted it immediately because John sat up and pulled out of him again. "Where you going?" he asked almost desperate. Completely desperate.

John bent down and gave him a wet, sloppy kiss. "Turn over," he whispered, voice smooth and low, like melted butter in his ears. Kaidan smirked but obeyed.

John kissed his lips over his shoulder before kissing and nipping over the back of his neck, down between his shoulder blades, passed the small of his back to his ass where he sunk his teeth into the perfect round flesh he found there. He smacked the other cheek and pulled him up onto all fours.

"Glad I packed the edible stuff," John said with a deep chuckled.

Kaidan's heart absolutely seized up because he knew what was coming next. He didn't have a chance to release the breath he had just inhaled before John's tongue was working small circles around his hole. He gasped when John swiped over his sensitive ring before delving inside him. His hands were fisted in the sheets as he struggled to keep himself from collapse while John ravished his body with an overload of pure ecstasy.

"Don't stop," he begged when John eventually pulled back.

"Like that, do ya?" he asked smugly.

Kaidan grunted an affirmative as he twisted his head back to look at him.

"Never done that before," John admitted.

"Could've fooled me!"

"Won't be the last time then," he smirked. "Promise to do it again, but right now, if I don't come inside you, I'm gonna be the one dying here!"

"Now, we can't have that, dear husband," Kaidan mirrored. Then, he was moaning and panting as John lunged forward, burying himself deep before pulling back and ramming into him even harder.

John leaned down and kissed Kaidan right between the shoulder blades. "Love you," he said before kissing him again and straightening up. He placed one hand on Kaidan's hip and tangled the other in his black hair. John gave a gentle tug that had him bowing his back. And fuck, if that wasn't the most fantastic feeling ever as the angle had John smashing right into his prostate.

John stopped for half a second, only long enough to pull Kaidan up and flat against him. His left arm snaked around Kaidan's chest, gripping his right shoulder hard enough to leave tiny bruises. His right landed on Kaidan's sorely neglected cock as he began to stroke him with the rhythm of their thrusts.

Kaidan was clinging to him the best he could; one hand digging into John's ass, the other gripping the back of his freshly buzzed head. They were both too far gone to last very long, holding on for dear life as their orgasms crashed into them in a fury of quivering bodies, tangled limbs, and broken words.

They crumbling onto the bed, a heap of spent muscles, his back glued to John's chest as they rode out aftershock after glorious aftershock, every tremor moving through one and into the other. They stayed like that for a time before Kaidan's stomach growled and ruined their moment of basking in the afterglow of euphoria.

"Room service?" John said, nuzzling into the crock of his neck.

"Only if we order something I can eat off you," Kaidan joked. Except he was totally serious.

"Noted. We should probably just order one of everything. We're gonna need the calories and it's gonna get annoying if we have to stop mid-thrust to open the door for our food."

"I have a box of energy bars in my bag and there's a mini-fridge we could use," he suggested.

"I really am the luckiest man in the galaxy," John said with a kiss under his ear as he attempted to detangle himself from Kaidan.

"Sorry babe, but that title is already mine," Kaidan scowled playfully.

"Fair enough. You take the galaxy, I'll take the universe," John quipped. He didn't bother putting clothes on as he headed for the coffee table to get the menu. Kaidan thoroughly enjoyed watching every step he took.

They had a lite dinner after ordering double to stuff in the fridge. John was sure to get Kaidan some strawberries and cream which they took turns painting then licking each other clean with. They were pretty sticky by the time round two ensued. Kaidan had intended to lead them to the shower, but John looked so damn cute slouching on the couch that he couldn't wait.

He pounced on him, pinning him under his weight as he ground their hips together. They were both wrapped in soft white robes that were quickly and easily removed. There was no way he would have time to stop and grab the lube before the need to pound into John overwhelmed him, but luckily John had stuffed a bottle into the couch. Kaidan shot him an befuddled look when he held it up.

"Where'd that come from?" Kaidan asked, brow wrinkled as he sat up.

"If last time was anything to go by, I figured we'd spend a lot of time on the couch, so I put a bottle under the cushion when you went to open the door," John explained. He was right, they were rather found of couches it seemed.

"How the hell could anyone call you the Scarecrow with a brain like that?"

"'Cause the Tin Man would be lonely without me," he smirked.

"Yes, I would! I love you," he said softly, giving John a sweet, sticky kiss.

"Love you too, babe! Now would you please fuck me stupid?"

Kaidan grinned darkly as he nodded slowly.

"You are truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen," John cooed.

"Clearly you've never looked in a mirror," Kaidan said firmly.

"And I never will again unless you're standing there beside me," John replied pulling Kaidan back down on top of him for a long, drawn out kiss.

"You are so fucking romantic! Glad I tricked you into marrying me," Kaidan mumbled onto his lips.

"I'd do it again in a heart beat....but now would you hurry up? My whole body aches for you. Do you know that, Kaidan? Actually aches because I need you so fucking much!"

"Is this where the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing comes in?" Kaidan asked, sitting back up. "You need me to cure your aches and pains?" he purred.

"Kaidan," John whined. "Come on! I only teased you a little bit!" he reasoned. John was lucky that he looked so cute when he was pouty because Kaidan just couldn't resisted his luscious lips. Or the rest of his hard body.

Kaidan was certain that their sex life could only go down hill after their first time in the apartment during their engagement, but every time after had been just as mind blowing. Their honeymoon didn't break that trend. He knew they were extremely lucky because chemistry like that didn't come along everyday, with sparks flying around them as freely as air. They were made for each other, built to fit as snuggly as their precision armor.

For obvious reasons, they ate most of their meals in their room, either too tired or too horny to leave. They did have one candlelit dinner on the beach that was included with the room, and they went out for breakfast one morning before having to take half of it to go because the patrons kept staring at them while they fed each other between kisses. Kaidan understood; they were kind of sickeningly sweet.

They made sure to desecrate every inch of their room before they left. The hot tub, the shower, the countertops, the couches and chairs, the floor that was probably not sanitary, up against the wall, on the balcony, once in the ocean, and once on the beach under the stars. They were pretty sure someone got a good show on that last one.

When their muscles couldn't hold them up any longer, they used their biotics. Sometimes John took charge, other times Kaidan was the one making John wither beneath him incoherently. And honestly, he didn't know which scenario he liked more. Fortunately, he didn't have to pick.

Just like their previous three day get away, their honeymoon was over way too soon. Before they knew it, they were being checked out by the same slightly less perky blonde. Then, they climbed into the shuttle after their luggage was loaded and headed back to reality. Unsurprisingly, neither one managed to get any sort of tan.


	20. In Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan get back to work after their honeymoon.

_Time_  
_Sliding through the dead of night_  
_Shaking 'til you start to cry_  
_Your eyes won't dry_  
_Till light of day_  
**_-I will, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**Kaidan**

John and Kaidan were on their way back from their honeymoon when news broke about the Alpha Relay disaster, and not too surprisingly, Jane's name was being slandered all over the extranet. That tends to happen when one blows up a mass relay and kills nearly a half a millions souls regardless of their species.

John was understandably upset about the whole thing. He felt guilty for being happy and for not being there to protect and shield her from whatever fallout she would soon be facing.  
They didn't have much information on what actually happened except from news feeds and what little Liara sent them, which wasn't much.

Kaidan tried his best to pull him out of it, but he sulked quietly for most of the ride back to Vancouver. It wasn't until John got a message from Anderson with a few more details about the situation that he was able to relax a bit.

Jane was the first order of business at their debriefing the next morning with Hackett. Anderson was running interference but was supposed to join them soon. Hackett had been straight with them, telling John about the assignment she was on and how she had surrendered willingly. The Normandy had been seized and both were en route to Vancouver.

After that, they told the admiral about their two months on the Normandy, about the people they had met, and made sure to talk them all up. They both considered every single one a friend. John recalled his abduction and Kaidan explained the rescue. Hackett sat listening attentively hanging on to every word.

"You're both going to have to attend meetings and hearings about this, about Jane, her involvement with Cerberus, about your assignment, the mission. I had figured you would when I first gave you the order, but the scrutiny after this mess with the relay...," Hackett trailed off.

"We can handle it, sir. I'm not going to lie, but I can't guarantee that if they start slandering her unjustly that I'll be able to bite my tongue," John said truthfully.

"I would expect nothing less. However, there may be a closer examination of your testimonies considering your relationship with her, John, as well as Alenko's considering your recent nuptials." Hackett eyed them as he took a swig of his coffee.

"We understand that, sir," Kaidan said.

"As for your next assignments, in light of those nuptials," he paused, eyes twinkling with fondness, "Anderson and I are still working things out. We had intended to give you back to the Council for the time being, John, and Anderson wanted Alenko running a new biotics training division, but I imagine separating you two would not be wise."

John and Kaidan shared a look.

"No sir, that would not be wise at all. I understand that we both belong to the Alliance and I'll gladly go wherever you need me or wherever you want to send him," John said motioning to Kaidan, "...as long as we're stationed to—"

He was interrupted when Anderson entered. He looked a bit frazzled but he gave everyone a kind smile. "Sorry, I'm late. Those reporters are ruthless out there. What'd I miss?"

"We were talking about their new assignments, or lack there of," Hackett said, getting him caught up.

"Ah yes, I've been thinking about that. With the Normandy on her way home, and Jane unfortunately in custody, the old girl's going to need a new captain. At least for the time being, and I can't imagine her without a Shepard as her CO," Anderson said, turning to look at John with all the presence of a father demanding that his son take over the family business.

"I don't think Jane would be happy about that. And I'm an Alenko now," John reminded him jovially. Kaidan's heart nearly exploded with joy at the sound of that.

"What do you think, Admiral?" Anderson asked Hackett.

"She's going to need someone overseeing the retrofit. They are both familiar with the Normandy and engineering in general. I think it'll do for the time being. Although, we may have to look around for another instructor for your biotics division," Hackett replied.

"I may have someone who'd be perfect. She might seem a little...unconventional, but I think she'd do an excellent job," John said.

"John, I don't think—" Kaidan interjected, knowing he was absolutely talking about Jack.

"She's the strongest biotic we've ever met," he reminded his husband. "She may not have the discipline of our Alliance's training, but if we're staying around Vancouver, I'm sure you and I can help keep her in line."

"This wouldn't happen to be the woman who was throwing back shots like your Krogan son at your reception and was still okay at the end to drive home?" Anderson said with a raised brow.

John grinned wide, "I think she could be an excellent teacher with the right guidance. Perhaps a trial period could be arranged?" he asked hopefully.

"We'll think about it if you accept the captaincy of the Normandy. We have no idea how long Jane is going to be out of commission and I doubt she'd want anyone else in her spot," Hackett stated.

"I pretty sure that I'm the last one she'd want there."

"It's not up to her," Anderson firmly said.

"Guess it's not up to me either...Where will she be held?"

"She will most likely be placed under house arrest in the high profile brig at HQ with guards posted for her safety. It's about the best we could do for now," Anderson explained.

John nodded with a sigh.

"Alright John, you are officially appointed as the CO of the Normandy with Alenko is your XO. I assume that I don't need to remind either of you not to let your relationship effect your duties?" Hackett stated more than asked.

"I assure you, that will not be a problem," John replied.

"Very well. The estimate is three to six months for the retrofit. We'll consider this—Jack was it?—for the teaching position, but I want both of you to keep an eye on her. Sound good to everyone?"

John and Kaidan shared another look before nodding their answer. They both wanted to be on the Normandy, and if they were offering her to one of them, they weren't going to turn that down.

"I'll get started on the paperwork for your promotions and will forward your assignment details to your omni's once everything goes through."

"Promotions, sir?" Kaidan asked confused. It felt like he had just gotten one, but they had had a long couple of months.

"I think you've both earned it on your last mission, Major Alenko. Now, if that's all, you and Captain Alenko are free to go," Hackett smirked to Anderson who was absolutely beaming at John.

They both stood and gave sharp salutes before turning and exiting Hackett's office. Kaidan managed to resist pulling John into the nearest bathroom to kick off their promotion celebrations, but that didn't stop them from making out in the elevator to their apartment. After a steamy romp in the sheets, which turned out to be the dining room table, they had dinner with Kaidan's parents to tell them the good news.

*****

The next several months consisted of marriage bliss, helping Jack settle into her new role as teacher—which to everyone's surprise, she took to swimmingly—John getting to know Kaidan's parents, and tasks involving retrofitting the Normandy to Alliance standards.

Joker was reinstated to active duty as the helmsman upon John's insistence, as were Donnelly and Daniels after he pleaded the case that their understanding of the ship would be monumental to Engineer Adams. Everyone kept EDI a secret fearing the higher-ups might want to dismantle her, but John did tell Hackett who agreed with John's judgment.

John had tried several times to get Jane to meet with him but she refused to allow him passed the guards. Kaidan tried as well with the same result. They knew she was even more furious at them after Anderson broke the news of their wedding. The Admiral assured them both that she'd come around, but the more time went by, the less Kaidan believed it.

He hated feeling like he was the reason John lost his last remaining connection to his childhood. John tried to remind him that they'd been through fights like this before, but that didn't help much. He told Kaidan that he was at peace with the decision he made and that he would never second guess or doubt giving him his heart.

He knew that was the truth, but it was still a lot to deal with. He harbored a lot guilt over it, they both did, over betraying Jane, even though he knew in his heart that it was worth it, worth the risk. They both understood her feelings and knew it was something that was inevitable, no matter how she found out about them. But now she was locked away, alone, and they were both helpless to her, dead to her if the last message she sent was to be believed.

John was good at dissolving that guilt. And he hoped he had the same effect on his husband.

In between working on the Normandy, John was sent out on N7 missions to appease Hackett's generosity in keeping them together. However, John made it clear from the beginning that Kaidan was part of his team and that they were a packaged deal; where he went, Kaidan went.

It felt a little weird at first. Kaidan wasn't sure if he was there for his skills—which he knew John admired—or because of the ever-present rings around their fingers. It didn't matter either way because in the end he was helping people and helping John by alleviating his worries about them being apart. They discovered quickly that John was far too distracted to do his job at a hundred percent if Kaidan wasn't on his six, or at least nearby.

Maybe that was codependency, but Kaidan just called it love. They were newlyweds after all.

Perhaps a married Captain and a Major had no business being in the field together, or separate, but everyone knew that Mr. and Mr. Alenko were far too good, too talented, to be benched so young.

Even the Council understood them, not technically giving Kaidan Spectre status, but allowing him access to resources and information that only Spectres had. John had threatened to resign if Kaidan wasn't allowed to join him on the few missions they sent him on—even though that was probably selfish and a little bit foolish—but they relented because he was damn good. And together, they were even better.

Regardless of their hectic schedules and the inconvenience of being based out of Vancouver—the Citadel would've been more appropriate, more centrally located—they still managed to make their tiny apartment homey. They invited Liara and Jack over for dinner a few times. John and Kaidan knew the former was working somewhere in the Sol system on something for Hackett but they didn't ask what.

They figured that they wouldn't be on Earth too long or they would've looked for something more permanent than base housing. Not that they even needed that with the captain's cabin on the Normandy. But that just didn't feel like it was theirs. It was still Jane's ship and it was still her cabin.

By the time they were married longer than they had known each other before hand, the Normandy was up and ready to go. Their four month anniversary was spent dodging Cerberus bullets on an obscure moon a terrorist cell had holed up on while they planned an attack on Arcturus.

Their fifth month anniversary was spent infiltrating and extracting information for Liara from a Prothean sight that had been off limits since its discovery. A week after that, they were running negotiations for the Council between a small group of hostile Batarians hellbent on revenge for Bahak. Kaidan made sure to emphasize that John was Spectre Alenko and not Spectre Shepard.

A small clerical error nearly got them killed on that one.

After settling the matter and checking in with the Council, they headed back to Earth for some diagnostics on the Normandy and a little hard earned shore leave. The first weekend back was spent at the Alenko's orchard in the BC interior. Kaidan was glad to share his childhood memories with the man he married as they walked down rows of apple trees hand in hand making their own.

That sentiment was short lived. They were scheduled for a grueling week of hearings involving Jane and Cerberus that neither were looking forward to. Fortunately, or unfortunately, most would never take place because in the form of a dream came the warning—a premonition soon to come to fruition—that tomorrow would change everything.

**John**

_John woke up in the transport pod on the Collector ship. He beat on the pink translucent lid as he struggled to escape, but the thing wouldn't budge. "Fucking let me out of here you sick bastards!" he screamed. He let out a loud grunt of frustration as he dropped his arms in defeat._

_He took a few deep breaths and tried again. Immediately, the lid flew off and he jumped to his feet. He looked around the dimly lit room as his eyes adjusted. When he saw no one, he cautiously stepped out of the pod onto a pile of broken, bloodied bodies sprawled out on the floor._

_"Kaidan?" he whispered._

_He received no answer._

_He looked around and realized that the only pod in the room was his. Suddenly, a sharp pain washed over his entire body. He grabbed his right side but pulled his hand away quickly when he felt the cold wetness he knew was his own blood. Looking down, he noticed that his thigh was also dripping and bloody, his pant leg covered in dark red. He turned back around and limped towards the only visible door._

_Walking out, he stepped into a huge open space. There was a gigantic window to one side out of which he could just make out a burning planet. Earth. In the distance, he saw a familiar outline coming toward him, a bright smile on pale skin against a backdrop of three large pillars glowing red, blue, and green._

_"Jane?"_

_"John," she singsonged._

_"What are you doing here? W-where are we?" he asked. "What happened?"_

_"The Reapers are coming," she simply said._

_"We've been preparing the best that we can. You bought us time, but it's not going to be enough," he replied._

_"They're coming right now. They'll be here soon."_

_"I know...are you still mad at me? About Kaidan?"_

_"There is no time to be mad. They are coming and they are going to end me," Jane said, her voice too joyous for the words she spoke._

_"NO! We'll stop them!"_

_"I'll stop them. You just hang on for the ride." She smirked at him and turned around. "Oh, and one more thing," she said, spinning back around. She pulled the trigger before he even saw the shiny pistol in her hand. Then, she turned back around and broke into a jog, heading straight for the three bright lights that were melding together into one._

_"JANE!" he yelled as he tried to hobble after, gripping the gunshot wound in his stomach._

_He was cut off by a wall of swarming Reapers and husks that were heading straight for him. He was unarmed, out of his armor, and injured; he stood no chance as they descended on his already broken body, scratching and clawing his skin as they ripped at his flesh. He cried out for help, for Jane, for Kaidan, thrashed against painful appendages that held him down._

_Everything went dark around him as he submitted to his fate. He opened his eyes one last time only to see Kaidan looking down at him, concerned eyes and a worried brow._

"John? Wake up, baby. It's just a dream, just a bad dream," Kaidan cooed, cupping his cheeks and running his cold fingers over heated skin. "It's just me and you here, okay? Just me and you."

"Babe?" John whispered, throat too dry for much else.

"Yeah, Sweetheart. Everything's gonna be alright," he smiled, comforting and warm.

"They're coming Kaidan, the Reapers. They're on their way," he said, pulling Kaidan down against his body, one hand combing through the hair at the nape of his neck as he kissed his forehead.

"Yeah," he replied. "They'll be here soon, but there's not much else we can do."

"She said they were going to end her."

"Who said that?" Kaidan asked.

"Jane. She said the Reapers were on their way and that they were going to end her, kill her," John explained as a broken sob escaped his lips.

Kaidan tightened his grip and kissed his cheek. "We're not going to let that happen. Hackett and Liara are working on something big, we've been fortifying our ships and cities the best we can without causing suspicion or panic, we've both been training harder than ever which is evident by these new muscles of mine that you seem to love so much," he chuckled.

John appreciated him trying to lighten the mood. "I'd love you if you were skin and bones or as fat as an Elcor. Your incredibly ripped body is just a bonus, but I'd still think it was incredible without the hard lines," John said with as much sincerity as he could so Kaidan would know he meant it.

He kissed Kaidan his deepest appreciations, hand traveling down over the planes of his naked body. A gentle roll of his hips had them both half hard. "Since we're up...," John smirked, letting Kaidan fill in the blanks.

"We both have a busy day tomorrow, John," he replied firmly, face stern in the fading light of the moon shining down through the open window. But John could see the glint of desire basking in those iridescent whiskey eyes, and they both knew he'd toss and turn for the rest of the night without a distraction from his nightmare.

"Gonna make me beg for it, huh?" John teased, rolling his hips again and arching off the bed and up into Kaidan.

Kaidan's sharp intake of breath was all he got in the form of an answer. John watched with anticipation as he marked a path of kisses down his chest, leaving one on each little pocket of his chiseled abs, intentionally avoiding his now fully hardened length as he passed on his way down one strong thigh before slowly and torturously going back up the other.

"You're so unbelievable! Can't believe you're all mine," John purred.

"Let me make you believe," Kaidan hummed before he gently sucked one of his balls into his mouth.

"Fuungh...," was all John could manage in response, hands flying up to the grip the headboard for dear life.

Kaidan gripped his stiff cock with one hand and began to stroke him slow and easy. His left slithered up John's body to his mouth where fingers burrowed their way between his lips. John didn't have to be told to suck them and coat them with saliva. He knew they were going inside him and the thought made his whole body quiver with want.

Kaidan drew his wet tongue up the underside of his cock. A quick swipe over the tip had John moaning as he took his hardened length into his mouth. Kaidan starting sliding his lips downward, hollowed out cheeks adding the perfect amount of suction as he removed his fingers from John's mouth.

"Fuck, Kaidan! Why is your mouth so damn perfect?" John groaned with pleasure.

Kaidan released his cock with a soft popped. "'Cause it was made just for you," he said, voice low and raspy. That voice, Kaidan's bedroom voice, did weird things to his insides that he still wasn't used to yet. And he never wanted to be.

Before John could respond, there was a light glorious pressure at his entrance as Kaidan pushed a finger deep inside him. He took John's shimmering cock back into his mouth and worked up to a rigorous rhythm, taking in as much as he could with every downward plunge.

Another finger was added next to a string of muttered curses. Kaidan thrust them in as deep as he could, the tips curling up to hit his sweet spot. At that, John couldn't help but buck up into him, his hands releasing their grip on the headboard to tangle in black hair, pulling the Major further onto his shaft, fucking his mouth as Kaidan fucked him hard with his fingers.

"Are you a believer yet, dear husband?" Kaidan smirked up at him when he surfaced for air. He slowed his fingers, much to John's disapproval, and waited patiently for his answer.

"You handsome bastard! I'd believed you were a three headed Hanar masquerading as a Reaper wearing human skin sent to take me into the future if you keep doing that with your fingers!"

"You mean this?" he asked rhetorically as he resumed his relentless assault on his prostate. He licked his lips and devoured John's cock with renewed vigor, slick tongue gliding over turgid flesh as he swallowed him down.

All of a sudden, the intense fire that Kaidan had stoked inside him was too much and his body spasmed, muscles locking up tight as his orgasm overtook him. John shot his essence down his husband's throat as he let out a strangled gasp, body shivering with a tantalizing heat and the smell of ozone when his biotics flared.

Kaidan didn't pull back. Instead, he guided him through the tremors of his orgasm to the other side of ecstasy, taking everything John would give him, milking him dry until there was nothing left of him but boneless flesh. Only then, did he pull away.

John eased him back up the bed by his hair and ravaged his mouth with his tongue; the taste of Kaidan mixed with his seed was a dizzy combination that never failed to satiate him. He took over the strokes Kaidan had been performing on himself and quickly brought him right up to the brink.

"In my mouth," John ordered.

Kaidan obeyed without question, pushing himself up so he could crawl up the bed. His knees framed John's shoulders and he slightly sat back on his chest as the younger man started to sloppily suck him off. It wasn't that comfortable of a position for either but it only took a few shallow bobs before Kaidan was breaking and spilling out into his mouth.

John released him with a wet pop and ran his tongue over the corner of his mouth lapping up that last bit of Kaidan from his lips. He smiled up at him smugly and ran his hands over his lover's powerful thighs, feeling the corded muscles straining and flexing just under the skin.

"You're so beautiful!" Kaidan exclaimed, looking down at him lovingly as he cradled John's cheeks with his hands.

"I believe you," John smirked as he kissed the edge of his palm.

Kaidan smiled and slipped back into position next to him. They curled up into each other, arms and legs strewn about. Kaidan pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before nuzzling his face into the curve of John's neck. "How was that for chasing the nightmares away, Love?" he snickered.

"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, Kaidan," he sighed contently. "But I'm afraid you might just be the death of me, too." He squeezed his lover tight and kissed the top of his now-messy hair.

"You promised me a hundred years," Kaidan replied dryly. "And I'm expecting every single one of them. Even if the Reapers don't come, know that I'm going to fight like hell to hold you just like this every night of our lives."

"If they come tomorrow, I'm not letting you out of my sight for a second."

"Don't think I can handle myself?" Kaidan chuckled. "Told you you were overprotective!"

"Fuck you, Major! It's so you can protect _me._ Your biotics are stronger than mine," John teased. Yes, that overprotective thing ran in the family.

"Your aim's better," he countered. "And you just did."

"Haha, yeah....Let's just stick together, alright?"

"Sounds good to me, babe."

"If you die Kaidan, I'm going to lay down and let them take me so you don't fucking die unless you want that on your conscious," John added. He tried to make it sound like a joke, but neither were fooled.

"Duly noted, Captain Alenko," Kaidan replied. "And that goes double for me, John....Now go to sleep will ya? Reveille is in less than three hours," Kaidan said groggily as he snuggled in close.

"Love you," John whispered.

"Love you, too."


	21. Bars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane thinks while in lockup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really not sure if I did Jane justice here. It's written in her stream on conscience, and she's still obviously angry about the whole situation with John and Kaidan. But hopefully you'll get a sense of how she feels about things. Enjoy!

_And the days are all the same_  
_In a town so big that no one knows your name_  
_And the people fade away_  
_And all the stars are just a flicker_  
_And you're left there all alone._  
**_-Parade, Matchbox Twenty_ **

**Jane**

Jane Shepard didn't like to feel caged or trapped or cornered. But right now, looking out the barred up windows of the eighth floor high security, high profile brig, she felt all three. Bars, they actually had fucking bars! On the windows, even the small one in the bathroom that Tali couldn't've even fit out of.

_This is all your goddamn fault, John!_

She was stuck in prison—a nice one, but still—while he was out there free, probably fucking Kaidan and being happy, while she stewing in her misery with nothing but her thoughts to accompany her. It just wasn't fair. Nothing in her life was ever fair. She should've been used to that by now.

She really thought she had scared Kaidan off on the base. That was her plan anyway. Well, not plan so much as overall SOP when dealing with John's boyfriends, the yelling came naturally. But then on the Normandy he was still there, holding John's hand, throwing it in her fucking face. John always choose her, always! Why was Kaidan different?

And if that wasn't bad enough, her first day on Earth, Anderson told her that they had gotten married. How the hell had Kaidan tricked John into marrying him? He never said he wanted to get married before. She thought the ring was...well, she didn't think they'd actually go through with it! Not after her objections. And certainly not without her there.

She really did not see that one coming. They had all sent her messages with details and an invitation, but she thought they were bluffing, trying to shock her into reacting. She had lost everything now, lost John. Kaidan stole him right out from under her! Slippery bastard!

Any minute, the walls were going to close in and crush her to death. Or, she'd died there of old age after they found her guilty of warcrimes and mass murder. She hadn't even had a trial yet, didn't even have a date set for one. They were just ushering her through hearing after hearing making her repeat the same thing to idiots that hadn't been in combat ever or in over thirty years at least. It was frustrating, she just wanted to pull her hair out.

She wasn't even supposed to go on that mission! Hackett probably wanted John for it, just like always, but he had to once again settle for her because his pet was off getting married to Kaidan. Always living in John's shadow, she was. Was he really that much better than her?

He was the good one, she was just his backup, she knew that. But she couldn't even do that right according to the brass. John wouldn't have blown up the star system; he would've figured out a way around genocide. She didn't give a damn about half a million Batarians, but John probably did. He fucking _loved_ them, apparently. Wouldn't kill them on Mindoir, wouldn't slaughter them on Torfan. Him and his fucking bleeding heart.

That's how Kaidan did it. He took advantage of John's softness, of his trusting heart, messed with his head and probably spread lies about her in there, little nuggets of doubt in his mind until he turned on her. That's what happened, Kaidan planned the whole thing after he heard she was still alive to punish her for dying on him.

It wasn't her fault that she died!

Maybe he didn't plan it. John was the better twin, the better soldier, the better human being. That was no secret, she knew that, knew the truth. Better partner, too. Of course Kaidan would want him. She couldn't have made him happy, not in the long run. John could, can, will. _FUCK!_ That really pissed her off. They looked so fucking happy and she couldn't even remember she was with Garrus through her rage.

Couldn't even keep a laid back Turian happy. Maybe she should've went for Thane. At least he wouldn't have been unhappy for long. Poor guy. Why would she want Garrus anyway? He took John's side, just like everybody did, does. It was probably for the best to let that die out where it did.

He was right, though, she _was_ left with nothing.

Dammit! Why couldn't John do that mission for her? He always did the hard ones. And she always fucking let him. Always let him take the fall and the blame and the consequences because he owed her. And he always gave her the glory because he owed her that, too! He owed her for not listening to her on Mindoir, after Akuze. He made the wrong choice both times. Why couldn't he see that?

Self-preservation over what was right! That was John Shepard. Everyone else be damned. He refused to save their mother. He refused to save his squad on Akuze. He refused to save her from her fucking cell! All to save himself.

He should've been in that cell bored to tears. Not her. She needed to be out there preparing for the Reapers. No one else was doing anything about it. At least she tried with the relay, bought them some time at least. What the hell was John doing? Probably nothing. This was her war, her fight. She was the prodigal child this time, not him.

She was getting the job done, rescuing John and defeating the Collectors. That was what she was doing. And what were they doing? Lying to her. A lie by omission is still a lie, is it not? They all kept saying that they knew how she'd react like she was some sort of hellion that was so fucking predictable.

How could she've not went a little off the rails after hearing all that...well, seeing that. Seeing a goddamn ring on John's ring finger and his tongue down Kaidan's throat? Didn't that break some sort of code? 'Don't bang your twin's boyfriend' code. That had to be a thing, right? Shit, 'ex'-boyfriend.

Of course, that never stop her from banging a few of John's exes. But he didn't know about that, didn't need to. And that still wasn't the point. If he was going to screw Kaidan behind her back, he could've at least had the decency not to flaunt it around in front of her face!

She had really liked Kaidan, too. He wasn't really her type—too quiet and by-the-book—but she liked him, getting to know him and being his friend. The sex wasn't anything special, but maybe that was just a matter of chemistry. Fuck, she didn't even know he liked guys. That explained a lot....

It didn't matter that, at the time, she was rather lonely having been separated from John for the first time since Akuze. She was perfectly okay with admitting that they were both so fucking co-depended on the other that it was borderline creepy. And so what if she just used Kaidan to fill that void?

It shouldn't have mattered that she was just with him so she wouldn't be lonely. The point was that he wasn't supposed to go after someone else, her brother no less, when they were still together...kind of together...not technically broken up, even though they both were obviously over the whole thing.

That was the fucking point!

Maybe they should've considered Horizon their breakup. That's when it was over for her. He walked away and that was unforgivable; she couldn't get passed that. He was going to end up doing the same thing to John. She had to get out of there and warn him, make him see the truth, who Kaidan really was, what he was going to end up doing: betraying him.

John kind of betrayed her as well, but she'd get over that. John was always doing stupid things like that, messing things up for her, but he'd apologize and make it up to her and then she'd forgive him. That's what they did. She expected that. But Kaidan? He was supposed to be this guy full of integrity. Now she knew the truth: he was just full of shit.

Still, John shouldn't have pursued things with him. How could he have thought Kaidan was good enough for him after what he did to her? He walked away, left her, betrayed her, stole her only family away. How could John pick that over her? All she ever did was try to protect him, keep him safe, keep him from screwing up again. That's all she wanted.

And like she would really buy into that bullshit about them being in love.

John couldn't love him. Not really. He only married Kaidan to get back at her, probably for dying. He probably didn't miss her at all, probably threw a fucking party after, probably sang "Ding dong the witch is dead" since he liked that damn vid so fucking much...asshole.

Maybe she should just wait it out. Kaidan would probably screw him over soon enough. They were made for each other really, the two backstabbers who broke her heart...well, pissed her off. They'd probably end up breaking each other's heart. How ironic would that be?

Then, John would come back sulking, on his knees, as he begged for forgiveness, for another chance. And she would give it to him. She always would, they were family. She'd have to throw it in his face a little, make him remember his mistake, teach him not to do it again. But she'd forgive him.

Anderson knew. No surprise there. John told him everything. She couldn't decide if she was angry at him for that, for not telling her, or for not stopping John from getting married. John would've listened to him.

He always tried to stay out of it, though. He didn't push her to talk about it when he came for debriefs and to discuss hearings. She appreciated that. He never pushed her and John to talk. He was usually content to let them work it out between themselves, only stepping in when blood was shed, usually John's blood. The fucking bastard never fought back. Fucking coward!

When she heard John was promoted and given commission of her ship, she was caught between blind rage and relief. She knew John would take good care of the girl, but the Normandy was _her_ ship. Somehow John stole her life. How the hell was she supposed to get it back from the brig?

Worst part was that she only heard that through scuttlebutt along with his promotion to Captain. She saved the galaxy twice now and hadn't even received an accommodation for it. How did that make sense that both him and Kaidan were promoted for what was basically spying on her?

She shouldn't have been surprised, Hackett liked him better. But that was probably because John rolled over for him and did whatever he asked like a loyal dog, a broken animal. That could've been because he was an admiral and John was brown nosing for promotions or good assignments and postings. Guess that finally worked in his favor.

She never liked the man personally. He always said she had an anger problem. That was bullshit! She only lashed out at John when he was being stupid. That wasn't anger, that was her trying to get through to him when he was making a mistake, being stupid. Someone had to keep him in line. She was all he had—used to have—but she was sure Kaidan couldn't handle him. He'd throw him back soon enough, get tired of _his_ bullshit.

Maybe throwing those bottles at her guards when they put her in her cell for the first time wasn't the best way to prove Hackett wrong, but she had just found out her brother got married. Worst part was that they took her alcohol privileges away for that and she could've really used a drink after the night she had.

Six months in, and her nightmares were almost unbearable. At first, they were just about her dying on the SR-1. That wasn't so bad. It was kind of a peaceful death, floating through the black. Maybe suffocation wasn't the best way to go, but it was quiet and the view wasn't bad. Plus, she saved Joker.

Then, the Collectors started showing up at about the two month mark. She defeated them, destroyed their base, so those nightmares weren't too hard to deal with. In some, she was back on the derelict ship fighting her way out, but mostly she was at the Collector base fighting her way in. Alone.

Sometimes she would die before she made it to the tubes or she'd push the wrong button when she got there and John would get sucked up. Other times, it played out how it actually happened except she'd shoot Kaidan and then John would shot her. But her favorite was when she would shoot both of them.

Then, came the nightmares of the Reapers. She had a few stray ones here and there about Sovereign and Harbinger, but nothing like after month four. They came almost every night and it was pretty much the same dream over and over. They would arrive and she would fight as hard as she could, but she would always end up losing.

It wasn't until month five that she started dreaming of her death. That was when the nightmares started changing. They became more graphic, more violent, and more unpredictable. She had died a hundred different ways it seemed. But the last week, she had started to dream of John's death. Those weren't nearly as satisfying as they should've been.

The two of them would be fighting towards a Reaper and they'd make it inside it. Then they'd go up to the control panel where she would shoot him. She never wanted to shoot him, but she did and it would gain her control over the Reaper to fight the others. Then, she would blow up in the thing and wake up screaming.

Either that or lieutenant Vega would wake her. After the haze of her sleep terrors would abate, she would have to smirk at the big muscly man looking down at her with a mix of empathy, worry, and wariness at touching her to shake her awake.

He would straighten up with a salute and call her ma'am before bolting back out the door. Poor guy was scared shitless of her. Giving him a nasty scar on his cheek when they met probably didn't help to endear her to him. Still, he did have a good hundred pounds on her.

The next time she would see Vega that day, he'd be escorting her to an unscheduled meeting with the brass while Anderson informed her that the Reapers were inbound. The moment she had feared since she first set foot on Eden Prime had finally arrived.


	22. Invaded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Kaidan fight their way to the Normandy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited about this chapter!! It's in James' pov which offers a nice change of pace. Enjoy!

_How do you sleep while the city's burning_  
_Where do you go when you can't go home_  
_How do you drink when there's blood in the water_  
_Where do you turn when the world moves on_  
**_-Fire on the Mountain, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

**James**

Babysitting someone accused of genocide wasn't exactly James Vega's dream posting. After losing his squad over intel that turned out to be useless, Anderson shipped him back to Earth for psych evaluations and relegated him to guarding _the_ Commander Shepard.

That alone should've been a dream assignment. Guarding someone under house arrest on the most secure military base on the planet sounded like a cakewalk. Whoever thought that had obviously never met the woman. She was explosive, ill-tempered, and rude as fuck. She was hot, though.

She only had three visitors over the past six months. He didn't know what that meant. Did she not have people who cared for her? That wasn't too hard to believe judging from the bottle she threw at him on his first day of duty. Two were the admirals Hackett and Anderson, and the other was her appointed representative whom she particularly disliked.

There were two other visitors that she must've refused to see because their in and out times were pretty much the same. The first was a 'J. Shepard' whom he could only assume was a relative. They hadn't met because they didn't make it up to her room. He only saw the name on the log. The other was Major Alenko whom he knew of but had only seen in passing.

All in all, it really wasn't that bad of an assignment. He drove her around to hearings and stood outside the door of her small luxury 'cell' mostly. He would've preferred to be out dodging bullets, but it could've been worse. He could've been the prisoner and she the guard. She probably would've driven him to hang himself or worse.

She was just so hard to read. He understood her anger. He had been witness to a few of the inquisition-esque trials they forced her to attend. Mostly, it was just an excuse for some assholes to lay into her. Maybe she deserved it, he didn't know, wasn't there. She did nearly wipe out an entire race.

Anderson and Hackett seemed sympathetic, so she mustn't have been that bad of a person. He probably would have snapped under the pressure, too. Not that she snapped. Or maybe she did. She kept blabbing about the Reapers which he had never even heard of before. Most people hadn't from the looks they gave her when she raged about them.

He was all too familiar with the Collectors from Fehl Prime, and knew about her mission through the Omega-4 Relay. But it wasn't until she began telling him about how the Reapers were behind their attacks that he started paying attention to her rants about sentient machines.

All he knew was that she was scared out of her damn mind by them. He had to wake her up on more than one occasion from horrible nightmares as they infiltrated her dreams. Something that scared a badass like her had to be terrifying as hell. He hoped she was wrong about them, about their existence and their plot to 'destroy every living being in the galaxy' as she kept repeating.

It was easy to ignore her at first. But the more time went on—the longer her meetings with Hackett and Anderson got without either forcing her to see a shrink—the more he started to believe what she was screaming at the top of her lungs was the truth. He could see it in Anderson's eyes, a silent plea for everyone to pull their heads out of their asses and listen to her.

He couldn't say he was too surprised when he got to work on that fateful day only to find Anderson muttering about blowing off their entire day's worth of hearings. He could've sworn he heard 'Reapers' in there somewhere, but he honestly was afraid to ask him to repeat himself.

He decided to shake it off over his usual cup of coffee on his morning break. That was where he was when the admiral found him for the second time that day, and from his haggard appearance, he knew something big was going down.

"Time to move, Vega!" shouted Anderson from the doorway to their little break room.

"Aye, aye, sir," he said as he stood from the rickety chair that could hardly contain his mass. He didn't know where they were going but you didn't question an admiral.

Anderson was almost halfway down the hall before he caught up to him. He didn't need to be told something was going on. There was an odd energy in the air as everyone buzzed around on high alert. He had a bad feeling about that. It was not going to be a good day.

Anderson instructed him to fetch Shepard for an unscheduled meeting. That was definitely a bad sign. He followed behind as Anderson tried to keep her calm when she figured out it was the Reapers that had everyone frazzled. She probably would've been smug about it if she wasn't so afraid of what that meant.

They walked into brass headquarters where he spotted Major Alenko. The two were barely acquaintances, having passed each other going in and out of hearings. All he really knew about the man was from scuttlebutt: that he was one hell of a biotic and currently the XO of the Normandy. Now that was a dream assignment if there ever was one!

He waited patiently off to the side as Alenko and Shepard talked briefly—although, talk might've been the wrong word judging by their body language—before Anderson relieved him of duty and ushered her into the meeting in progress.

"You know the Commander?" he asked as he walked up to the Major.

"I used to...very well. Now...," he sighed wistfully, "...I'm just her estranged brother-in-law."

He watched as the Major's heavy frown turned into a fond smile for whom he could only assume was his wife. "You mean there really are two of them? I thought that was just a rumor, but then I saw a 'J. Shepard' on the sign-in sheet and figured she had a sibling."

"I'm married to her twin actually," he smile quite proudly.

"Oh fuck me! You mean there are _two_...of _those_ running around in the galaxy? I could barely handle the one!"

His mind went to some really creative places after that. He knew it wasn't polite to daydream about himself with Commander Shepard and the Major's wife right in front of him, but hot damn! You can't just drop a bombshell like that and expect him not to pick it up.

Alenko cleared his throat and stared at him for a moment. The mischievously glint in the Major's light brown eyes told him that he knew exactly what he was thinking. _Fuck, I'm gonna get killed by a biotic today before the Reapers even get a shot off!_

"Sorry, I just...twins? Like two of them? Two hot, sexy...mierda, sorry one's your...fuck man, I just—"

"I pretty bias, but I think I got the hotter one. Tell Shepard I said that and I'll have to reave you," the Major said, voice going soft which only made the threat more terrifying.

James had never been in more need of some sort of lifeline than he was in that moment. Although, he probably would've preferred for it not to have come in the form of an army of sentient machines hellbent on destroying every organic higher being in the galaxy. But there it was.

The building shook beneath their feet when the first round of attacks started. He had no time to think. All he could do was follow the Major out the door as the ceiling started to crumble around them. He was almost crushed to death by a falling beam, only saved by the biotic's blue barrier that he kindly engulfed him with.

"Holy shit, man! You saved my life!" he praised. He wasn't sure if the Major heard him. Both of his ears were ringing from the sound of Reaper weapons firing. He assumed the same could be said for Alenko.

The Major led him to a small weapons cache where they both grabbed pistols that some woman shoved at them. Alenko wanted an assault rifle but the woman said they were already gone. He looked pissed, but there was nothing they could do. James knew he would've pulled rank if he could've.

A loud ping on the Major's omni-tool had them both stopping midway to the stairs. He typed something in his messages quickly before they started out again. He assumed it was the Missus making sure he was okay, or saying that she was, because his shoulders relaxed just a hair.

They made it down one flight of stairs before his omni went off again signaling an incoming vidcom. He answered and James automatically went rigid as Admiral Hackett's face came into view on the small screen.

 _"Where are you?"_ the admiral asked, no time for formalities.

"Just leaving HQ, sir. Anderson and Shepard were inside the meeting hall when the room started collapsing. Don't know their status but there was no way we could've stayed to assess or assist," his steady voice betraying the worry James saw on his face.

_"I'm sure we'll hear from them soon. Get to the Normandy ASAP. I've already given orders to Captain Alenko to get the hell out of here. If Shepard shows up, you're to extract her, if not...."_

_Captain Alenko?_ James thought to himself. The Major's married to a captain that just happens to be the Commander's twin? He really needed to pay more attention to gossip around here. He felt really out of the loop and he had been Shepard's main guard for six months.

"Understood, sir," the Major replied.

 _"Keep an eye on them,"_ Hackett ordered.

"Aye, sir...oh, I have a...I'm sorry, what was your name?" he asked James.

"Lieutenant James Vega," he answered when the Major looked over at him.

"A Lieutenant Vega I'm requesting a transfer aboard for. He was Shepard's guard, but obviously his assignment is over."

_"Granted. And Major....good luck. Hackett out."_

They made it to the ground floor before James realized what just happened. He was now officially a crew member aboard the SSV Normandy, prized ship of not only the Alliance fleet but of the whole damn galaxy. And that most definitely was a dream come true.

He had no time to dwell on that. As soon as they rounded the corner, they were met with heavy enemy resistance. Both started firing their pistols. Limited ammo was going to be a problem, but the Major seemed just as comfortable using his biotics against them. No doubt he faced down against Reapers before.

How could he have ever doubted the Commander's ramblings?

"We need to get to the shipyard. The Normandy won't be able to stay docked for long," the Major said, firing off a barrage of bullets in between reaves and lifts and whatever other cool biotic shit he could do. James had never thought much of biotics, but he was wholeheartedly impressed with the Major's skill.

They pushed their way out of the building, grabbing smg's from a couple of dead soldiers on their way. Thank the Spirits that the Reapers used thermal clips because they would've been screwed without guns. He kind of wished they had stayed inside.

Immediately upon their exit, the smell of burning was overwhelming. Building, bodies, bad guys, you name it. He managed to choke down the bile rising in his throat from the fury he felt at the havoc those bastards had wreaked in less than five minutes time as well as from the sick queazy feeling in his gut at the fact that they should have been more prepared, that they would have been if everyone would have just listen a goddamned minute to what Shepard had to say.

"Baby?" he heard Alenko say. His voice was shaky and unsure like he was hoping for good news when he knew there would only be bad.

"What?" James asked, confused as to why the Major said that. Was there a baby around they needed to rescue?

"Honey, I'm moving as fast as I can here! Don't you dare leave without me!" he ordered.

_Oh...not talking to me._

"I don't know, but I'm working on it. Maybe three minutes...hold on a sec," he said as they he slid behind a crate. James followed him to cover. "I don't have armor on...I'm not alone...," he said before popping out of cover to take out three skinny husks with a throw.

"We got some coming in behind us!" James yelled.

"Would you leave me alone for five fucking seconds?" the Major howled as he sent out some sort of shockwave thingy that leveled the group that was closing in on their six. "Not you, babe, these Reaper bastards!"

They jumped out of cover as the Major picked up the pace. He didn't even bother with the husks anymore, bypassing them in favor of taking out the guys with guns. The biotic was seething and maybe a little desperate as he fought towards his spouse. James made a mental note never to get on his bad side. Made sense, though. He'd have to be one tough son of a bitch to marry into that family. Maybe even a little loco.

"We're about a minute out from the docks...Holy hell! Are you serious?...Thank the Spirits!...Yeah, almost there...Love you, too," Alenko said into his comms.

They turned the last corner to the docks. The sight before them was chaos. There were tons of people heading towards ships trying to either get back to their posting or escape off world. A line of soldiers stood in defense so that as many as possible could.

Alenko turned to him and let out a sigh of relief. "She's safe. Her and Anderson made it out. We've gotta get to the Normandy fast because they need an extraction," he explained.

The two pushed forward through the crowd slightly aided by the Major's biotic field. The security team wasn't even checking id's, they just waved people through as fast as they could. As soon as they got inside the yard, the biotic started sprinting, not looking back once, trusting James to keep up.

There were people in the Normandy's hanger bay desperate to get aboard. There were several security personnel keeping people back as best as they could. James had very little hope that they'd be able to push past the feverish and rowdy crowd that was growing by the second.

"John, I can't get through the goddamn crowd here!!" Major Alenko barked, desperate for help. James assumed this 'John' was part of the security detail or something.

Less than thirty seconds later, a man in red and black shiny N7 armor stepped off the ship and made his way down the ramp. James was a little afraid of Commander Shepard, he was impressed and definitely afraid of Alenko, but the look of sheer determination on the N's face and the don't-you-dare-fuck-with-me intensity in those blue eyes had him swallowing hard.

That guy, with his buzzcut and swagger, meant business. And James didn't have to make any sort of mental note to remember that.

He wasn't the only one either because the crowd around them had fallen silent as they waited with baited breath for the man to speak or yell or give some kind of command. He didn't. Instead, he searched the crowd, locked eyes with the Major, and quirked a small grinned. The crowd parted just like in a damn vid when two people were about to run to each other and kiss.

Kaidan took off towards the ship, leaving James frozen in place. "You coming, Vega?" the Major hollered back over his shoulder.

For a split second, James was thinking of saying 'no'. He was way out of his league here and he knew it, with the more than lethal biotic and the epitome of a soldier, and later, the Commander herself and possibly an Admiral. But he watched the N7 walk back up the ramp, the Major trailing behind, and knew that the Normandy—following them—was where he wanted to be.

Also, the terrified and increasingly agitated mob helped sway him a bit.

He jogged to catch up, the row of armed security personnel letting him through then closing their ranks right behind him. He hurried up the ramp to the waiting men. The door to the airlock swooshed closed behind them, and he was able to take his first real breath since his coffee break was interrupted as they went through decon procedures.

"EDI, Joker, we're aboard. Let's go get Jane, shall we? I've had enough of playing CO for awhile," the N7 said.

"That's not what you said last night," the Major smirked as he leaned into the man and kissed him right on the lips.

"For the last time, would you two please cut that shit out when the damn comms are live? Yeah, we get it, you guys bang like rabbits," the bored voice from above—Joker?—said.

"Which time?" the still-a-mystery man replied to Alenko, obviously ignoring, or perhaps goading, Joker.

He wasn't exactly a mystery anymore, James knew who he was now: J. Shepard, Captain Alenko, the Commander's twin, the Major's 'wife', the Major's _husband._ Not what he had been expecting at all! But the Major was right, he did get the hotter one....

The door opened and they walked onto the command deck. "Seriously, Joker," John continued, "Get us the fuck out of here so we can kick these guys back to the dark space and I can go back to 'banging' my rabbit husband in peace," he ordered as he walked down the corridor to the CIC. Kaidan walked with him shoulder to shoulder. James followed as he tried not to trip over his own feet.

He followed the men onto the elevator and stood there staring like a fool, at attention and waiting for a command.

"Oh, this is Lieutenant James Vega," Major Alenko finally said after Captain Alenko raised his brow in question. "Jane's guard. Hackett assigned him to the Normandy since he no longer has a ward. And this is Captain John Shepard Alenko. I'm sure you've already figured out the rest," he smirked to James.

"Yes, sir," James answered.

"At ease James, we're kind of informal around here, in case you didn't notice. You can call me John or anything other than Shepard. That's Jane. And fyi, if you call her 'Jane'...she'll probably kill you," John said in all seriousness.

"Technically, there will be two Alenko's and two Shepard's onboard. It's confusion so our first name's are fine; Kaidan and John...but yeah, very few people get to call her Jane," Kaidan agreed.

"Jonathan, we have a lock on Shepard and are en route," a woman's stiff almost mechanical voice said.

"Thanks, EDI. Open the docking bay doors as soon as we're in visual range. This needs to be quick," John said.

"Understood," she said.

They walked out of the elevator towards the big bay doors. James was already in love with this ship. He hadn't even felt her take off and they were about to land to pick up Shepard.

"We'll do intros with the crew later," John said as he handed him and Kaidan assault rifles. "Don't think we have any armor that'll fit you," he said as he eyed James. "But we'll get you some as soon as we can."

"Thank you, sir," James replied.

"Please James, call me John or Alenko or Cap or even Captain, but just not sir," he requested, "Took me six months to finally break Traynor of that. Don't want to have to do it again." He sighed as him and Kaidan headed to the back of the cargo bay.

"Aye, aye, Captain," James replied, following the two senior officers.

"Thirty seconds, Cap," Joker relayed over the comms.

"I am not ready for this, K," John said softly, his hand wrapping around the Major's waist, pulling him against his armored body.

James thought he was talking about the Reapers. He could totally relate to that. No one could have ever be ready for something like this.

"She's had six damn months to cool off. If she's not by now, then when will she be?" Kaidan asked.

"Hackett said it was up to me whether or not to turn the ship over to her. She's...I don't even know what she'd do if I don't," he murmured. Kaidan curled his hand around the back of his husband's neck and brought the sides of their heads together.

James couldn't hear what else was said, but it was none of his business anyway. That was when a soft, familiar voice stole his focus, "Welcome aboard, Mr. Vega...and yes, they're always like that," Cortez whispered, shooting him winked.


	23. Mars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all.

_I was screaming out at everything_  
_Waiting for the walls to come down_  
_Before my moment starts to fade_  
_But everything that's perfect falls away_  
**_-Sleeping at the Wheel, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**John**

"What do you want to do?" Kaidan whispered to John as they stood waiting for the cargo bay doors to open for Jane and Anderson's extraction.

"I want this damn ship! I earned her just as much as Jane did," he said with a heavy sigh. "But I'm not sure it's worth the fight."

"Well, you do outrank her, Captain," he smirked.

"She's going to be angry about that too, y'know."

"Yeah, I know. Might as well keep adding to the pile. Your call, your ship, your orders. She'll deal with that or she can get the hell off," Kaidan stated firmly.

He knew Kaidan was right, but that didn't stop the all too familiar instinct to defend her from creeping up. Just like the incredible husband he was, Kaidan picked up on his tells and clarified himself.

"What I'm saying is that you're not her second fiddle anymore, alright? You're amazing and I know you can do this if that's what you want. Either way, I'm with you. Always."

"This has been her fight from the beginning, her ship. I know we've done some great things with this girl over the past six months, but she still doesn't quite feel like she's ours. Maybe I should just step down," he mused.

"If that's what you want, John, I'm okay with it. I just don't want you stepping down because you don't think you, we, could handle this. Or out of misplaced guilt," Kaidan said pulling away from him. A green light on the cargo bay door lit up and it slowly started to open. "We don't have to decide this right now. We have orders to get to Mars, then we can figure it out after that, okay?"

John had no idea how this was going to work or even if it could. Being the face of the war was really Jane's thing, her destiny even, he wasn't sure he could take that away from her, and he certainly didn't want to replace her. He wouldn't hesitate to give the Normandy up if it meant peace between the three of them. They were both more important to him than the ship.

"Aye, Major. I love you," John said somberly, looking out into the raging war that had started right in front of them.

"Love you, too."

A few seconds later, the outline of two soldiers standing on a crumbling platform appeared out of the dusty morning air and the backdrop of a falling city. He let out a relieved breath and lifted his gun, standing ready to provide cover fire if they needed it.

Jane hopped on first. She looked back at Anderson as they exchanged words he couldn't make out over the bellowing sounds of war in the background and his pounding heart at the sight of his sister that he had never stopped thinking about since him and Kaidan came clean.

Jane walked up the ramp and shot him a curt nod. He was grateful that she at least acknowledged his presence. She didn't need to tell him that Anderson was staying behind, it was painfully obvious when he didn't jump onboard. Instead, he threw her her dogs tags, gave John a reassuring nod, turned around, and disappeared into the chaos.

John was the first to walk away from the door back into the belly of the Normandy. "Joker, get us to Mars. I hear our favorite Asari needs a ride," he instructed. "Janie, you might want to suit up," he suggested, testing the waters to see if she would in fact follow an order from him.

"Aye, aye, Captain," she said, the words no doubt feeling like acid on her tongue like they did to his ears.

"You too, Kaidan." _We're going to have a nice family reunion on the red planet,_ he thought. He just hoped they all came back in one piece.

*****

The flight to Mars was quick. No one talked much. James was reeling from having to leave Earth, but Cortez and Jane calmed him a little. Kaidan didn't have much to say. John knew he preferred to concentrate on the mission on Mars than the drama they now found themselves in. He did too.

Luckily, him and Kaidan didn't need to speak to communicate. Their eyes were just as effective as words. John could read him like a book and Kaidan him. That was one of the millions of things he loved about the man. They fit so well, knew each other so deeply. It was hard to believe they'd only known each other nine months.

They really were a perfect match. And he often wondered how he got so lucky, how they managed to find each other in such a vast, unforgiving galaxy. After all the death he had seen, he knew better than to take it for granted.

Cortez and Vega flew them planet-side in the Kodiak. James didn't have armor and had to stay aboard the shuttle, much to his dismay. The disgruntled hulking man moaned about it, but Jane talked him down. John could only assumed they knew each other well after spending so much forced time together over the past six months.

Once planet-side, they had to fight their way past a couple of Cerberus teams to get into the facility. Kaidan was quick to jump on Jane for still working with them, but John shut that accusation down quick. It wasn't until they had a break from the action in the depressurization chamber to the base that things got a little heated.

"You got married without me, huh?" Jane started after she activated the pressurization cycle. "Couldn't have waited six months?"

"No, we really couldn't. I had no idea what the hell was going to happen to you, to us, to Earth. It's not like I thought you'd show up anyway. Several people, myself included, sent you invitations and you blew them off. Hell, we could've commed you in even, but you didn't go for that either," John said as calmly as he could.

This was not the time for a drag out brawl. He knew the potential was there, he could feel it: the hum of him and Kaidan's biotics dancing just below the skin, the buzzing of electrons and dark energy tingling his teeth, thick tension wafting through the stale, recycled air waiting for a spark to set the whole damn base off. It put him on edge more so than the Reapers did.

He knew Kaidan could feel it too from the way he leaned closer to him, just a hair's breadth, nearly imperceptible to anyone else, but they were one being now and he felt it in every cell in his body; comfort and support and backup, everything he ever wanted to Jane to be, everything he knew she never would be.

"You didn't even have the decency to tell me yourself! Anderson had to break the news," she spat.

"How was I supposed to do that when you wouldn't even let us in to see you, when you blocked my messages? Was I supposed to skywrite it or send you a carrier pigeon? You're still pissed, and I get that. I do. We didn't tell you we were together, we didn't tell you when we were engaged, you didn't get to be my best man, and that's got to hurt. Some of that is on us, but you pushed me away when I tired to do, I don't know, _something,_ anything, so what else could I have done?"

"You didn't even bother getting my opinion on things! Instead, you just rushed out and left me behind," she snarled. Jane took off her helmet and dramatically sulked further into the depressurization chamber.

"Your opinion was made quite clear when you left us on that planet, remember? When you threatened to kill him! When you wouldn't _talk_ to me!"

"Like it would've mattered anyway! He's got you so fucking brainwashed that I'm surprised you're even talking to me now," she yelled, eyes drilling holes through Kaidan's armor.

"What the hell is your problem?" Kaidan asked. He moved around John who had been trying to stay in between them and started towards her, but John reached out his hand and stopped him. He gave John a small nod and disengaged, retreating to the other side of the small room.

"You are my fucking problem, Alenko! He doesn't belong to you!"

"Yes, Jane, I do!" John finally snapped. "I'm not one of your goddamn possessions and I'm tired of you treating me otherwise! And I know you're probably already planning your mutiny to take back your ship. Well, guess what! You can't have _her_ back either!"

"Can we not do this right now?" Kaidan interrupted as he made his way back towards them, clearly worried about John's sudden change in demeanor. "We have a giant race of machines we should be focusing on here, not to mention Cerberus. Let's take care of them, then we can sit down and talk this out."

"Sorry, Kaidan. You're right," John apologized, his furrowed brow relaxing just a tad.

"Of course you would side with him! Fucking backstabber!" she glared at Kaidan.

"Yes, because he's right and you know it, Jane. So stop disrespecting my husband, or Hackett'll have to find some other place for you!"

"Did you just threaten me?" she asked in disbelief.

"No, I gave you an ultimatum. Threats are the things you said you'd do to him on the Collector base, to me. If you say anything like that again, try anything, even look at him funny, I will space your ass! See, _that_ was a threat."

"What the hell has gotten into you? This is all him, isn't? He turned you against me!" she accused, pointing at Kaidan. She took a step towards him but John slid between them, prepared to take whatever she wanted to dish out just so long as she left Kaidan alone.

"Jane, you can't really believe that! I love him, I didn't turn against you. The only thing he has ever done was make me happy. Can you understand that? Do you even want that for me? I want that for you. It's all I've ever wanted for you. But maybe I can't give that to you. I've tried and I have failed, and I don't know what else I can do."

"He's going to leave you, walk away just like he did to me! Just like Horizon. Then, _you're_ going to be the one left with nothing! You'll see," she scowled.

John didn't get a chance to respond to that outrageous claim. Out of the ducts came Liara. She explained her work with Hackett and what she had found in the archives, then the quartet set out to retrieve the data. They fought their way deeper into the base facing off against rounds and rounds of Cerberus troops.

John was only slightly worried about Jane not having their back. She just needed to vent her frustrations so they could get everything out in the open. He was hopeful that she would come around and they could talk like adults once they procured the data and got back to the ship.

He had no doubt that six months in lockup had given her plenty of time to cool off and think about things. Seeing them again and hearing John giving the orders to her crew probably stoked the flames a little, but he was trying to be optimistic. He thought she would eventually come around. And maybe forcing her to face it, to face them, would help.

Or, it could push her off the deep end.

They made it into the archives, and after Jane had a brief, heated talk with the Illusive Man, they began a pursuit for the Cerberus operative that had infiltrated the facility and stolen the data they were looking for. She made it to her shuttle and was about to make a break for it when James rammed her with the Kodiak sending the Cerberus shuttle crashing back down onto the roof.

They were all thrown back by the force of the impact. John got to his feet and went to help Kaidan up, but the Major waved him off. He went to help Jane—Kaidan was seeing to Liara—but she was halfway to her feet and slapped his hand away.

"Normandy's in route, they'll be here soon," James said, jumping out of the damaged shuttle he landed nearby. Cortez followed close behind.

"Can we 'talk' now?" Jane asked sweetly, her voice laced with sardonic sarcasm.

John turned to glower at her, "Are you even capable of something like that?"

"What's the point? There is nothing to talk about!" she barked as she stalked towards him, "You are going to stop playing house with that sonuvabitch and come back home where you fucking belong!" she thundered as she shoved him back.

The transfer of momentum sent him stumbling backwards where he tripped on a chunk of debris and fell on his ass. She stood over him yelling words that didn't register. He turned his head towards Kaidan and Liara knowing that he needed one of them to ground him, his chest already constricting as years of suffering at Jane's hand came flooding back to him.

That's when he saw it, movement behind them, a metallic form flickering in the flames of the crashed vessel after the door was kicked right off like it was made of cardboard. "Kaidan!" he yelled as he scrambled to right himself. Jane grabbed his arm, but without thinking, John let off a burst of biotic energy and slipped her grasp.

Kaidan had instinctively pushed Liara away and reached for his gun. He shot a few rounds into the Cerberus bot as it charged him. John rushed towards him, his heart seizing with terror as the synthetic picked up his husband and held him a few feet off the ground, his legs kicking fruitlessly at the metal machine as he struggled to break free.

"Let him go!" John demanded, gun drawn, but he didn't have a clear shot, he couldn't risk hitting Kaidan. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest, the terror gripping it radiating outward as it settled into his bones. The synthetic paused briefly, hand going to her ear, before she turned and began to slam Kaidan against the crashed shuttle.

"NO!" John yelled, his voice lost to the sound of his rampant heart beat drowning out anything else. He couldn't breath, his lungs were filling with sand, the hourglass running out right before his eyes, his vision turning blood red as Kaidan was tossed around like a rag doll, like he was nothing.

But he was _everything._

He called upon every single bit of concentration he could to steady his shaking hands as he laid into the synthetic with his pistol—bullets hitting center mass only due to the years he spent grafting his guns to his hands—until she released Kaidan and turned her attention to him.

He pumped her head full of tungsten and immediately ran towards the lifeless body of his husband once she went down. He was nearly paralyzed with fear, the blinking stream of data pouring into his HUD from Kaidan's giving the only indication that the man was still breathing.

"Baby? _Please_ don't do this to me!" John pleaded as he dropped to his knees beside the Major.

Kaidan was unresponsive so John carefully scooped him up and carried him to the Normandy for extraction. The next thing he remembered was laying down his unconscious body gently on an exam table. There wasn't much that could be done without a doctor on board, but Liara did her best to stabilize him.

Their medical officer hadn't made it back onto the ship before they left Earth. For all John knew, he was already KIA. A lot of personnel hadn't made it back. But he couldn't think about them, about Earth, about the Reapers. Not right now.

All he could think about was how this couldn't be happening to them. They had just found each other! They were still newlyweds. He didn't want to be a widower, didn't want to live without Kaidan. But the man was just laying there, lifeless, still. And he was helpless to change that, any of it.

Liara tried getting through to him, "We have to leave the Sol system!" she yelled, trying to catch his eyes as they roamed over Kaidan's eerily motionless body.

He just shrugged her off.

"Johnny, we have to get the hell out of here!" Jane said from somewhere behind him. He couldn't be bothered to look at her. "Get us to the Citadel, Joker," she finally ordered when it was clear John wasn't, or more correctly, couldn't.

 _"Jonathan, Hackett's on the secondary QEC,"_ EDI relayed.

"John, he's going to be just fine. You need to—" Jane said, placing a hand on his forearm that he quickly jerked away.

He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything but stare down at the beautiful man in cracked blue armor. Jane could take care of things. She was probably scheming for a way to swoop in and take charge as soon as possible anyway. He was just hoping it would've taken a bit longer.

"Just get the fuck out of here! And you can have your damn ship back. Happy now!" he growled, his biotics flickering to life. He knew he would regret yelling at her later. He was scared, angry, lashing out, but in that moment, he couldn't have cared less.

"Johnny," Jane said, "I'll stay with him."

That was not going to happen. It wasn't that he was afraid she would actually murder Kaidan, it was just that they all needed to build some trust back before he even thought of leaving them alone together. And that certainly wasn't going to be any time soon and especially not when Kaidan couldn't defend himself.

"You stay away from him!" he hissed, turning to scowl at her.

"No, you don't get to be mad at me!! You're the one who screwed up here! This is all your fault!" she yelled in his ear.

"Shepard," Liara said, trying to calm the situation.

But John had already jumped to his feet. "Just leave us alone!" he howled, "That's what you want, isn't it? Us out of your life. You want us both dead. That's what you said. Well, it looks like you'll get what you want after all."

"Goddammit, John!" she screamed, drawing back her hand in preparation to punch him in the face.

John flinched, his eyes snapping shut in anticipation of taking the hit he knew was coming because it always did. Instead, he was hit with the smell of ozone. Liara had hit her with a stasis as she and James—who had just deposited the fembot on another exam table—rushed between them.

And he mourned it, that hit, he needed it, something to distract him from the aching hole in his chest where Kaidan was supposed to be, something familiar and comforting in a fucked up kind of way.

"That is _enough,_ Shepard! You don't get to hit him anymore!" Liara said firmly as Jane rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"Well, tell him to stop being such a fucking drama queen! You're not fucking Romeo and Juliet! He's not gonna die," Jane bellowed. "He probably can't even do _that_ right. Can't even fight your own battles anymore," she taunted, but John didn't have any fight left in him.

"He's going to be fine," Liara reassure him, a comforting hand on his shoulder. "James, would you mind sticking around until I get back?"

"Sure thing, doc," Vega replied slowly making his way back towards the door once the tension began to settle.

John didn't have anything else to say. He sunk back down onto the stool, his energy and adrenaline waning as despair and heartache overtook them. He was overwhelmed with emotion and anger and rage and fear. He didn't know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. All he knew was that he couldn't lose Kaidan, he just couldn't.

But he might.

"Come on, Shepard. We'll update Hackett on the situation...I'll be back in a little while, John," Liara softly said.

Jane eyed him and Liara before storming out.

John sighed and shook his head before bowing it and letting the sobs consume him, one hand interlocked with Kaidan's, limp but warm, the other covering his face as he cried. He heard the door swish open, Liara's footsteps retreating, and the door swishing closed.

He let go of Kaidan's hand so he could strip out of his armor. Then he grabbed a blanket from the cabinet and expertly balanced himself on the edge of the small table next to his unconscious lover. He carefully wrapped his arms around him and covered them up, making sure not to jostle him too much.

The only thing tying him to his sanity were the little pockets of air from Kaidan's lips that he could feel on his. It was all he had because he couldn't even watch his chest rise and fall due to his armor that they didn't dare remove.

"You're going to be in so much trouble when you wake up, dear husband," John whispered, "But I still love you." He kissed Kaidan's bruised cheek then cried until his swollen eyes, as heavy as lead, slowly drifted close.


	24. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Normandy races to the Citadel.

_So come one, come on, we can be saved_  
_The lives we live, the wars we wage_  
_When everyone just tells us how to feel_  
_We're sleeping at the wheel._  
**_-Sleeping at the Wheel, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**John**

The journey to the Citadel took longer than anyone had anticipated. The mass exodus from the Sol System after the Reaper forces arrived had the Relay traffic exponentially congested as ships fled the system in droves.

Liara brought John a change of clothes and woke him after about an hour. He got dressed while she explained the data she found on Mars and relayed the information Hackett gave her about Earth's current status. It wasn't much, the planet was in turmoil, but he knew that already.

"Traynor is trying to get ahold of Dr. Chakwas. If nothing else, she may be able to walk us through any possible procedures Kaidan may need before we arrive," Liara kindly said. "I'm so sorry, John."

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a tight embrace as he attempted to even out his breathing. "I can't...I can't lose him, Liara. I just can't!"

"We won't let that happen."

"I need to pack our things," he said, pulling away.

"You don't need to worry about that right now. Let's just get him to the Citadel and take it from there," she replied, gently squeezing his hand for an added burst of silent support.

"No, I need to do it now," he insisted. He wasn't staying onboard without Kaidan whichever way things went, and he just needed something to do, anything to keep his hands busy, to keep his mind focused. "Jane's going to need her cabin back."

"Would you like some help?"

"No, I don't trust anyone else to stay with him." He bent over Kaidan and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, carding a hand through his soft obsidian hair. "I'll be right back, my Love," he whispered, blinking away the tears gathering at the corners of his bloodshot eyes.

"I'll be right here," Liara said, offering him a weak smile.

John turned towards the door to make his exit. James was still sitting at the doctor's desk where he had been before John dozed off. "If you let Jane in before I get back, you'll be wishing I'd of just thrown you out the airlock," he said darkly.

"Aye, sir!" James saluted as he shot to his feet to stand at attention.

"Sorry, at ease...I just...," John took a deep breath and rephrased his order, "Don't let Jane in until I get back...if she happens to come by. And don't let her pull rank, this is still my ship and I'm still a goddamn Spectre."

"Understood, sir," he replied, his shoulders relaxing a smidgen. "Mierda, I meant Captain."

The correction got a small smile from John. "We can chat a bit when I get back. Shouldn't be too long. We prefer to live lean," John said, flashing one last cautious look at Kaidan before heading out the door.

He was thankful that he didn't run into anyone on his way up thanks to the skeleton crew. The door to the captain's cabin swished open and he walked through. "EDI, where's Jane?" he asked as he went straight to their wardrobe and started throwing their clothes on the bed, three sets of civvies each, plus their dress blues and btu's.

 _"She is in the CIC. Shall I tell her you are looking for her?"_ EDI replied.

"No...just let me know if she goes anywhere near the medbay. If she approaches, lock it down. I don't want her around Kaidan unless I am present."

_"Understood, Captain."_

"Thanks, EDI," he said, running up the steps towards the head. He eyed his terminal as he made a note to contact Kaidan's parents after they got to the hospital and he actually had something to tell them other than sobs. He just hoped there was someone to get ahold of.

That thought almost floored him. He had to hold onto the sink to steady himself as the room started spinning. His blood sugar was getting low; he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and he'd used his biotics extensively on Mars. He splashed some cold water on his face, his burning eyes thankful, and towel off.

 _This is all your fault!_ Jane's words tore through his mind like a wrecking ball hellbent on destroying everything Kaidan had worked so hard to build up. She was right, Kaidan was going to leave him. He was going to die and it was all John's fault.

He couldn't bear to look at himself in the mirror. All he'd find was a blubbering mess of a man who couldn't even keep his own husband safe. How was he supposed to help save the galaxy? He could never keep anyone safe. Kaidan deserved so much better than him. _So much better._ He grit his teeth and took a few deep breaths before pushing away from the sink.

An animalistic growl echoed through the small bathroom as he fisted his hands, nails digging deep into his palms. The pain Liara had denied him now radiated up his arm as a crackle of bone on metal set his teeth on edge. He pressed his forehead into the cold wall and let out a strangled sob.

A few minutes later, he grunted in frustration and straightened up. There was an obvious fist-shaped dent in the metal, but he couldn't give two fucks about that. Ignoring the blood trickling out from his split knuckles, he grabbed their toiletries and shaving kits and took them to the bed.

He made another trip up the steps to the storage area to get their duffles. On his way back, he flipped on the 'empty' cycle on the fish tank and watched as the VI collected up the first fish to deposit it into the holding container. Jane hadn't bothered getting any when it was her cabin, but the first thing him and Kaidan bought as a married couple was a fish for the tank. Now, they had several.

"Wouldn't leave you guys behind," he said to them fondly. He could probably stash them at Anderson's with the rest of their things for the time being.

Returning to the bed, he started shoving their clothes in their bags. It was going to be a bitch to sort through later, but he didn't really care whose clothes went where since they were all going to the same place in the end. He reached under the bed and stuffed their boots into the bags before clearing out the side tables, making sure to collect all the strategically placed knives and bottles of lube he'd hidden around the cabin.

His head started spinning again so he was forced to go to their personal stash of goodies. He piled the energy bars and drinks and a few sweet snacks into his arms and jammed them in the already overstuffed bags. He ripped one of the bars open and downed it in three large bites, hardly chewing before he forced them down.

They had a lot more shit than he thought. The last things he packed were their datapads, their wedding photos, and his model ships. Somehow he managed to get the duffles closed before dragging them out the door so they'd be ready to go. He had to make a second trip for the fish.

He collapsed onto the bed when he was finally finished, his elbows on his knees and face buried in his hands. "Joker? ETA?"

 _"A little under thirty minutes. I'm pushing her as fast as I can, John,"_ he replied. _"He's...you know he's going to be okay. He has to be."_

"Let me know when we're making our approach."

 _"Aye, aye, Captain,"_ Joker said somberly as the comms cut out.

John was thankful that Joker didn't push. He couldn't take that right now, false hope, sympathy from people who couldn't truly understand. After a couple more rounds of deep breathing, he made one last sweep of the cabin before heading back down.

He went to check in with the engineers briefly to make sure the issues they were having with the drive core from their last mission had been resolved. Then, he checked in with Cortez regarding the Kodiak. The thing was totaled, so he quickly put in a rush for a new one and considered that as his last task as CO.

After grabbing himself a cup of coffee and heating up some tea for Liara, he went back to the infirmary. As soon as the door slid open, he felt like he was punched in the gut all over again at seeing Kaidan laying there so goddamn still when all he wanted to do was run up to him and shake him until he woke his ass up.

The only thing that kept him from scolding himself on the piping hot beverages was James grabbing them from his shaking hands.

"What happened to your hand?" asked the Lieutenant upon noticing his bloodied knuckles.

"Hmm?" John hummed, not really hearing anything as he walked back over to the table so he could take Kaidan's hand in his undamaged one.

Without a word, Liara went over to the medi-gel dispenser and grabbed a pack before going over to him to apply it to his oozing wound. He was pretty numb by that point, mentally and physically. Someone could've chopped his arm off and he probably wouldn't've noticed.

"I'm just, uh, gonna go grab me a cup, if that's okay," James hesitantly said, placing their mugs on the side table.

Liara gave him a small smile while John stared at him blankly. "It's perfectly alright. I think we can handle things from here if you want to go explore the ship," Liara told him.

"I...I should probably give you the tour," John mumbled.

"Don't worry about it, Esteban already offered" James replied. When the two looked at him slightly confused, he continued, "Sorry, I meant Cortez. We have history, used to be stationed together, so...."

"He can show you the ropes, but Jane'll...," he trailed off looking back down at Kaidan when he felt fingers twitch in his. "Kaidan?" he said, leaning over him, voice soft and broken, "Can you do that again, Baby?"

"John—" Liara started.

"He, he w-wiggled his fingers."

"It was just a reflect. He's still unconscious."

"Liara, I can't, I—"

"You're doing just fine," she assured him, coming around the table to rub his back. "We're almost there and Dr. Chakwas is getting the doctors update to date on his medical history as we speak. He's married to the best Spectre in the galaxy, so we know he's going to get the best care it has to offer or else," she smirked.

John huffed out a little laugh, "Yeah."

 _"Cap, we're starting our approach to the Citadel. ETA to docking is about ten minutes,"_ Joker relayed.

"You tell them that there better be doctors waiting when I open the door."

_"Already taken care of, John."_

"Thanks, Joker. Liara, I need help moving him. EDI, would you inform Ensign Edwards to grab Porter and take our things to Admiral Anderson's? They're stacked right outside the captain's cabin. I'll send them coordinates," he instructed as he walked over to retrieve the gurney.

 _"I'm sorry Jonathan, but Lieutenant Porter did not make it back onboard,"_ EDI informed him.

"I can help," James offered.

"Thank you, I appreciate that. Just be careful with the fish. Cortez was getting our guns together. We also both have two sets of armor," John said, pulling up his omni-tool and sending James directions to Anderson's apartment.

"Sure thing, Loco."

"Loco?" John asked, furrowing his brow. He couldn't exactly deny that he was going a little crazy at the moment. How he was still holding it together was beyond him. The only thing keeping him from flying off the handle was the objective at hand: getting Kaidan to someone who could help him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were—"

"Crazy? I'm well aware. Runs in the family."

"I've noticed," he sarcastically replied.

"I think you'll fit in just fine, James," Liara smiled.

"Okay, let's just be careful here," John said as he prepped his husband for transport. Liara and James helped him transfer Kaidan to a gurney. They wheeled him up to the airlock and waited for the medical team to board.

Jane was in the cockpit with Joker but walked over when they approached. He really wasn't in the mood for any kind of talk or fight or even comfort. He needed to get Kaidan to the hospital. That was all he could focus on; anything less and he would've fallen apart.

He was thankful that the doors opened before Jane could say anything. The medical team rushed in, and then, they were rushing out, John hurrying behind on the way to Huerta Memorial. They took Kaidan to a private room and began running tests and scans on him while John watched helplessly.

That was the worst part of all. He was a man of action: a warrior, an infiltrator, a Spectre, an N7, a captain. He was used to getting results, getting things do, _doing_ things. But there, in the cold, sterile room, he was out of his depths, out of things to do but sit and wait and worry himself sick.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there holding Kaidan's hand before Jane showed up. She didn't say anything at first, only pulled up a chair beside his as they sat in the relative silence minus the beeping machines. Eventually, Jane took his other hand and he finally looked over at her.

"You really love him?" she asked. If there was any sympathy in her voice it was masked by indifference.

"Madly," John replied, looking back at Kaidan, hoping to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.

"You know I didn't mean any of the things I said about him, the threats, right? Well...most of them."

"Yeah, I know Janie. We all could've handled things better."

"What did the doctors say?"

"Not much. We're just waiting to see if he'll wake up. They'll know more then; what kind of damage and if he'll...," John cut himself off, not wanting to think about the negatives at the moment. Or ever.

"He's going to be just fine. He's strong, he'll pull through good as new," she said, a hand rubbing his back soothingly. And he looked at her with wary wonder as he contemplated when the knife was going to be plunged in.

"Yeah." He wasn't as confident, but he hoped she was right.

"We're shipping out ASAP. Heading to Palaven. I suppose you won't be—"

"No," he said shortly.

"Right...When you're ready, I might be able to find a spot for you on the Normandy," she said as she stood from the chair.

"I really don't think that's a good idea."

"Dammit, Johnny! You can't keep choosing him over me! You made you're fucking point, you pissed me off, you had your fun, and now you can knock it off and come home!" she demanded.

He just shook his head. He couldn't do this, not without Kaidan.

"Just fucking think about it. I don't want you out there where I can't keep an eye on you and can't keep you safe because I don't trust _him_ to. Look at him! He couldn't even keep himself sa—"

"DON'T!" John raged. "Not right now. I can't...."

"...fine...," she sighed, "Just keep me updated."

"Yeah," he scoffed. He wasn't convinced she wasn't just saying that because it was what you were supposed to say as opposed to her being genuinely concerned.

"I'll be back as soon as I can."

He gave her a small nod before looking back at Kaidan and frowning. He bit the inside of his cheek to stifle his tears. His eyes were tight and dry from spilling more of them than he ever had before combined, and he didn't give a damn who knew that. He just needed a reprieve from them.

"Alright, then. I'll see you soon," she said as she headed for the door.

"Be safe out there, okay?"

"Always am," she chuckled as she made her exit.

*****

Patience and N7's did not mix.

John spent the next several days completely bored in between fits of worry and a few tears that he wasn't even about to deny. Doctors and nurses would cycle through with sympathetic looks that felt more patronizing than comforting as they worked on his husband.

He talked to Kaidan about arbitrary things hoping that it would help some. The nurses encouraged it, but he wasn't sure if it did any good, Kaidan probably couldn't hear him. That was just about the only thing he could do plus hold his hand, so he supposed it was better than nothing.

Anderson had managed to send him an inspiring message which he greatly appreciated considering the state they left Earth in. He also said he was giving them his apartment on the Citadel as a late wedding present. John was completely blown away by the gesture.

Anderson's place had been home base for John for awhile, since Mindoir actually, so it wasn't a stretch to envision the apartment as his own. Not just the current one, but anywhere the older man called his home was where John staked his claim. Anderson didn't seem to mind, and Jane was usually close by, too.

However, that particular apartment did hold a special place in his heart. It was pretty much where everything started for him and Kaidan; where they got to know each other, where they stayed up late with good wine and talked about nothing and everything, where their relationship would have started if it hadn't been for Jane but where the seed was planted anyway.

Of course, there was no way John was leaving Kaidan's side, but it would be a nice landing pad for when he got released from the hospital. They would need to figure out what they were going to do after that. He knew they would both like to be back on the Normandy, but he wasn't sure that was the best place for them at the moment.

Liara kept him updated on the Normandy's mission as the days dragged on. They would be hitting Palaven soon looking for the Turian Primarch. John really wished him and Kaidan were there fighting along side them, maybe looking for Garrus, but his place was beside his husband, and until the stubborn biotic woke up, they were both stuck in the damn hospital.

When the night cycle began, there was nothing else to do but sleep. The nurses would wake him every time they came in to check Kaidan's vitals and whatnot. It wasn't so bad, he was used to terrible sleep routines. But before he would go back to sleep he'd always tell Kaidan the same thing.

"I just really need you to wake up now, Babe. This really fucking sucks! You are killing me here, and if your eyes aren't open the next time I open mine, then I'm going to divorce you!"

"No you won't," Kaidan muttered back, voice hoarse from several days worth of nonuse.

John slowly looked over at him, absolutely expecting to see a sleeping Kaidan, because he must've been hearing things. What he saw instead melted his heart: bright whiskey eyes staring right back at his, a twisted smile stretching from ear to ear, and an outstretched hand begging to be held. And with that, he could finally breathe again.

"Spirits, you're beautiful," is all he could say back as he rushed to his side from the rickety cot the nurses had brought him. He was so hopelessly in love with that man.


	25. Visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan recovers in the hospital.

_Now comes the night, feel it fading away_  
_And the soul underneath, is it all that remains?_  
_So just slide over here, leave your fear in the fray_  
_Let us hold to each other until the end of our days_  
**_-Now Comes The Night, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

The hour after he woke up, Kaidan was bombarded with an endless rotation of doctors and nurses filtering through the door as they checked him over. It was annoying to be fussed over like that, but one look at John, and he knew it was necessary, if for nothing else than for his husband's peace of mind. So he quietly suffered through it.

All he really wanted to do was hold John. The man looked like hell, and after finding out everything that happened after Mars, his heart broke for making him go through that alone. Not that he had a choice. He could still make out the remnants of terror and sheer worry etched in his eyes, and he prayed to the Spirits that he'd never have to put him through that again.

"I dreamt of you," Kaidan said as John laid perched on the edge of his narrow hospital bed when the staff finally left them alone.

"I'm pretty sure I'm dreaming now," John teased, his thumb tracing patterns on the skin above Kaidan's bare hip.

"I must be your dream man then," he said with a low chuckle.

"You are, and I was so scared you were going to leave me. You wouldn't wake up and I was going out of my mind watching you sleep there all peacefully. Like Sleeping Beauty or something, but you wouldn't wake up when I kissed you, and I kept thinking that maybe I wasn't your prince after all," John muttered.

"You're not my prince, you're my Scarecrow, and that's even better. And I'm sorry, Love, I'm so sorry you had to go through that all alone," Kaidan replied as he squeezed him as tight as he could with his stiff muscles.

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. That's my job now. I said I would, _vowed_ to, and I failed."

"John, don't you dare go blaming yourself for something that was out of both of our control," he ordered, locking fingers with the hand gripping his hip.

"I know, I...I just need you to be safe, Kaidan," John whispered. Kaidan could tell he was holding back tears.

"Let's face facts here, Sweetheart, we're in the middle of a war and we're both soldiers, safe is just not an option right now. Not ever really," he said, squeezing the hand intertwined with his. "We can try our best to be prepared, but injuries, death, they're just part of our reality, of being alive even."

"I know, baby, I do. But that doesn't mean I still don't want to hide you away somewhere safe, maybe in a tower in a castle or something, so you won't pull this little stunt again," John smirked before kissing his forehead.

"Are you just going to leave me there? Because I might get lonely," Kaidan chuckled.

"Of course not, I'd stand as your guard," John stated firmly.

"And how come I'm the pretty princess in all these scenarios?"

"Maybe because you didn't object when I first told you about them...although, you are quite pretty."

He scoffed at the pretty part. "It's cheating if I was unconscious, John!" Kaidan insisted. John just laughed at him. "And what if I want to hide _you_ away some place safe?"

"Stealing my ideas, huh?"

"Can't steal them if half of them are mine. We do share the same brain, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember, Tin Man," John laughed again. Kaidan felt it rumble in his chest, and that alone could've warmed his heart for all of eternity.

"So...how many Blasto movies did they make while I was knocked out?" he quipped.

"Kaidan, you are my favorite dork."

"Hey, I'm injured here! You have to be nice to me until I'm discharged. How long will that be, by the way?"

"They didn't say, but I imagine they'll want to run a bazillion tests on you before they do. The doctors have been pretty thorough after I played the 'he's a Spectre's husband' card."

"Abusing your power again, I see," Kaidan teased.

"That was one time and our anniversary. I didn't hear you complaining when they brought your steak out," John shot back defensively, his smile betraying his projected anger.

"I think we have another one of those coming up."

"Anderson gave me free reign over his apartment. I do believe there's a stocked bar, comfy beds, a hot tub, and lots and lots of couches," he said, voice going low and raspy as he ran a hand through Kaidan's hair. "I'll make you dinner and then we'll make love all night long and well into the morning. How's that for spending our sixth month anniversary?"

"You really are my dream man," Kaidan purred, cupping John's cheek and running his thumb gently over his lips. He replaced the digit with his own lips, leaning into the tender kiss that deepened and stretched on longer than he had initially intended.

"Alright, Major, time to settle down and get some shut eye, not that you need anymore, but I've been awake all day and need to rest up for our anniversary," John said, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

"I love you, and I'm glad I'm not driving you crazy anymore."

"I love you, too. And just so you know, you are still driving my crazy, babe, just in a much more enjoyable way now," John replied before switching off the light. They cuddled in close and soon fell asleep until the next round of nurses woke them up.

*****

Kaidan was getting restless after a few days confined to his hospital bed. The doctors were worried about possible neurological damage from the incident on Mars. All he got from the medical jargon was 'raddled implant'. Yeah, he could've told them that.

The second day, he was hit with one of the worst migraines he had ever had. It was debilitating in every sense of the word. He had no idea how he would've gotten through it without John beside him. Just his presence helped, having him there to hold him meant everything to him.

There wasn't really much anyone could've done, but John tended to his every need. He massaged every tense muscle in his body until his hands cramped up. He stayed on the doctors and nurses to make sure he received the meds he needed when he needed them. He even fed him in the near pitch-black room and rubbed his back as he threw everything back up.

The man was a godsend, and he knew he was, without a doubt, the luckiest man alive.

John had left a message for his parents telling them about the accident once he was stabilized at Huerta. They finally heard back from his mother a few days after he woke up. She was heading to the family orchard while his father went to help out with the war effort where he could.

That was hard for him to wrap his head around. Earth was in shambles when they left; he didn't even want to think about what his old man was going through in her defense, but he was highly trained and was an exemplary soldier in his day. Kaidan just hoped him and the rest of the people on Earth could hold out long enough for them to get the Crucible completed.

Jane came for a visit on one of the Normandy's stops on the Citadel. John was napping on the cot he complained about constantly. Not because it was uncomfortable, but because it was too far away from Kaidan. Sharing a bunk had spoiled him. They did managed to squeeze into the hospital bed at night, but he was relegated to the cot for naps.

They didn't talk much, maybe a few minutes tops. She mentioned that Garrus came aboard and that they were heading to Sur'Kesh next. She wouldn't say what for but Liara had already told them it was for a Genophage cure in return for Krogan and Turian support in the war effort. Then, she asked what the doctors said before walking out.

She was cold and distant, and what little optimism he had that things between the three of them might actually work out had dwindled even further by the time she left. The fact that she didn't yell or threaten him might've been a good sign if it hadn't been for the sinking feeling in his gut that it was just because she didn't have the energy to fight with him and John if she woke him.

Tragedy had a way of putting things into perspective, and the galaxy was being dealt its fair share of that right now, but he was starting to think that nothing could ever repair the rift that had formed between them. And no matter how much of an asshole that made him, he wasn't too broken up about it because he knew John deserved so much better.

When John woke up, he told him how worn down she looked when she dropped by. They both wanted to be back on the Normandy fighting the Reapers: John so he could shoulder some of the responsibility that weighed on her so heavily, and Kaidan to support him the best he could. But they were a little hesitant about committing to it just yet.

He tried to convince John to go back to work—Hackett or the Council could've found him something to do close by—but it was fruitless. The man wasn't going anywhere without him, no matter how much he protested. When John pointed out that he wouldn't leave either if the situation was reversed, there was no more discussion about it because they both knew it was the gods' honest truth.

He wasn't supposed to be happy about that with so many people out there dying, with so much good John could be doing to help out, but he was. That left him feeling a little guilty, but his husband was just so damn good at dissolving his guilt be it a quick flicker of heat in those blue eyes or a soft kiss on his temple.

Thane came by to visit several times. He was in the hospital for his terminal illness and looked in on John a few times while he was unconscious. Dr. Chakwas and Dr. Michel stopped by as well and made sure the doctors were treating him properly.

Grunt had offered to break them out when he came by before getting shipped off somewhere with his new post. He explained about being put in charge of Aralakh Company and John beamed like the proud Papa that he was. They both did.

It was so adorable that if Kaidan had had ovaries, they would've jumped right out of him and mauled John until he gave him a baby. Which was a weird thought considering that they hadn't really talked about having children before. Plus, wartime wasn't exactly the right time to start a family when there were so many other things to worry about. He filed the thought away for later. It was just one more thing to fight for: a family.

The next time the Normandy docked, they had just came back from retrieving a fertile female Krogan on Sur'Kesh where they were ambushed by Cerberus operatives. Mordin was onboard the ship working on a cure for the Genophage while the crew was given a day leave.

They were flooded with visitors, bringing flowers and get well gifts. It was so humbling and flattering that they were almost overwhelmed a few times by their kindness.

Wrex brought them some jerky varren meat and a small totem as a wedding present that represented fertility. John joked that it was more likely that Wrex would have children naturally before they did, but the Krogan clan leader gladly promised them one of his from his first brood once the cure was implemented.

James and Steve were next on the visitor's list. Apparently, Liara had made a schedule so the room didn't get overrun by people bombarding them all at once. Steve thanked John for getting them a new Kodiak so quickly but lamented that it had already been christened with bullet holes.

While James was there—to stand guard, much to Kaidan's dismay—and Jane was running around the Citadel, John took the opportunity to slip out and run back to the ship. He wanted to visit with Mordin for a bit. They had struck up a nice friendship during their time working with him, and it was unknown when they'd get the chance to see each other again. He also wanted to meet the female Krogan.

To be honest, Kaidan appreciated the breather. John was amazing, and he would never complain about anything he was doing to help him recover, but it was nice to be able to reach for his water or cough without John jumping to his feet in panic mode. The man was going to give them both a heart attack if he wasn't released from the hospital soon.

When John came back, he was buzzing and jittery from his first encounter with EDI's new body. He was wide-eyed and his mouth was running a mile a minute as he recounted his tale. "K, I walked onto the ship and headed to the cockpit to greet Joker and who the hell do you think I saw standing menacingly beside him?!" he asked as soon as he hit the threshold, his chest heaving a bit from adrenaline.

James and Steve busted out laughing as Kaidan gave him a wary look. "Who?" he asked hesitantly.

"The damn fembot that almost killed you!" he shrieked. "I leveled her with an overload and Joker started cursing me out. And I was like, 'I just saved your life! The bitch almost killed my husband!', and he was like, 'That's my girlfriend, you prick!' Luckily, Traynor came over and explained that EDI took over the mobile Cerberus platform and now the Normandy has a full fledge AI with a body walking around! Can you fucking believe that? Someone could've fucking warned me!!" He glared playfully at James and Steve.

"Wow!" is all he could say back.

"Worst part was I had to apologize to the face that almost took you away from me! But I know that wasn't EDI on Mars, that bitch is fucking dead, so it wasn't too bad, but still, it's was something...."

"She's kinda sexy, though," James added. They all looked at him in disbelief, "What? She is...just don't tell Joker I said that. He's got a thing for her." John and Kaidan shared a knowing look at the wink James gave Steve.

After James and Steve left, the engineers came through. They were both eager to learn how the ol' girl was holding up as she raced around the galaxy in their fight against the Reapers. They missed being aboard and were getting homesick being away from their ship.

Adams mentioned in passing that it would've been nice to have a new GX12 thermal pipe that Jane had deemed unnecessary. He wasn't complaining, only saying that it would've cut their workload down and made the engines safer. John immediately made some calls and bought the thing with his own money. He was making arrangements for delivery when Liara arrived.

She had waited outside until Adams, Gabby, and Kenneth left. Then, she came in with a bright smile and warm hugs for both of them. "How are you feeling, Kaidan?" she asked.

"Can't complain...except maybe about the food, but, uh, John's been sneaking me bites of his," Kaidan said, smirking over at John who shot him a wink back over his omni-tool as he finished up with the transaction for the piping.

"That's good news. How much longer do they plan on keeping you?"

"Not sure yet. Everything seems fine, they're just worried about possible damage to my implant. My migraines are worse than ever, but Samara came by a few days ago and gave me some new meditation techniques I plan on trying out," he replied.

"How are things on the Normandy?" John asked as he shut down his omni.

"Long hours, bad food, good company," Liara replied.

"Just like old times," Garrus said as he strolled in the door. "Sorry I'm late. I've had been out hunting for a mod for one of my rifles."

"Vakarian!" John said as he stood to shake his hand.

"Captain Alenko," he hummed back, pulling John into a hug.

"Don't give me that, I hear you have admirals saluting you," John chuckled.

"Everything going okay with you being back on the Normandy, Garrus?" Kaidan asked.

"Hey, Kaidan," he greeted him warmly. "The circumstances could be better. Jane hasn't spoken to me much, but we did rescue the Primarch together on Menea and I'm still standing...so that's something."

"Sorry we dragged you into her line of fire," John sighed.

"I was perfectly capable of putting myself there. Besides, someone has to be there to pull your ass out of it," he smirked as much as a Turian could. "When will you be fit for duty, Kaidan? Everyone wants to know when you two will be coming back aboard."

Kaidan gave John an apprehensive look. "We're still working things out. We're not sure if it's the best place for us right now," John answered for them as he sat beside Kaidan on the bed and placed a hand on a knee that was buried under a few thick blankets.

"We understand," Liara smiled sadly. "We'll support you with whatever you decide, but it would be nice for you two to be back aboard."

"We know, Liara. We just want to consider all our options and make sure we're where we need to be to do the most good," Kaidan added, taking John's hand and giving it a firm squeeze as he tried to hide a yawn.

"And where you won't get your asses kicked," Garrus deftly interjected. "I heard about Jane knocking you on your ass on Mars, John."

"I _tripped_ ," John insisted.

"What?" Kaidan asked, knitting his brows with worry. John hadn't mentioned that to him.

"She just gave me a shove and I tripped on some debris and fell on my ass," John explained, removing his hand from Kaidan's knee to drape his arm over his shoulder. "That's when I looked over and saw the synthetic busting out of the shuttle."

"She tried to throw a punch at him when we were in the infirmary after we got back onboard. I had to hit her with a stasis," Liara mentioned.

" _What?!_ " Kaidan and Garrus both snapped.

"It was no big deal," John said, leveling her with a disapproving look. "She's still angry, but Liara had my back."

Kaidan scoffed and shook his head. He hadn't realized his shoulders had tensed until John was gentle massaging one. Under those fingers, he couldn't help but be reduced to a puddle of mush, sinking into his touch and the warm body next to him. How did he get so goddamn lucky?

"We should probably be heading back, Garrus," Liara said. "You two have had a busy day and it's getting late," she said as she walked around the hospital bed to give John another hug. She kissed his cheek before doing the same to Kaidan. "Take care. We need you two back out there soon."

"As soon as the docs cut the red tape tying me to the bed," Kaidan chuckled.

"I'll be sure to save you some," Garrus nodded. "If you hurry, that is."

"Stay safe," Kaidan waved.

"Good luck on Tuchanka," John said as he walked them out.

"We'll see you soon," Liara said right before the door slid shut.

"And what happened to your hand?" Kaidan asked as soon as John turned around. He had been willing to accept John's bruised and scabbed knuckles as being a combat injury, even though he knew better, but he just had to make sure nothing else happened between him and Jane while he was unconscious.

"Punched a wall," John softly admitted as he slipped in the tiny bed beside Kaidan. He leaned his forehead against Kaidan's temple, "I couldn't breathe without you," he whispered. "It was like I was suffocating...I couldn't, I just, I..."

Kaidan held him tight as his breathing shallowed. "It's alright, I'm right here...," he said soothingly, rubbing John's back with one hand and the back of his head with the other until his breath evened out. "Did it help?"

"A little, yeah," John replied, "But this is so much better."

"Will you promise me not to do it again?"

"Can you promise me you won't almost die again?" John countered.

"You know I can't," Kaidan sighed.

"...I promise I'll try."

"I'll take it...we're going to get passed this. There are going to be a lot more bumps up ahead of us, that's just life, but we'll get passed all of them."

"I love you so so much, Kaidan," John sniffled.

"I love you too, my dear sweet husband," he said, drawing fingers down John's cheek to his chin. He tilted his head up and pressed his lips to John's, feather-light, before pulling back to gaze into fields of blue. He'd never get enough of those bright eyes transfixed on him like he hung the stars.

"Think I could sleep for a week after the revolving door of visitors," John chuckled as he switched off the light and fixed himself next to Kaidan under the covers.

"It was good to see everyone."

"Mhmm," John grunted as he nuzzled into Kaidan's neck.

Kaidan let out a content sigh. The galaxy could fall apart around them—which it was threatening to do—but he was confident that they'd be okay as long as they were securely tucked away in each other's arms. The last thought that ran through his mind before he dozed off was that he knew he'd never want to be anywhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got me a [tumblr](http://www.archlucie.tumblr.com). Add me if you like!


	26. Slow and Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan gets released from the hospital; the boys have a little tiff; John gets an assignment from Anderson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I told you guys lately that you're awesome! <3

_You were holding to me_   
_Like someone broken_   
_And I couldn't tell you, but I'm telling you now_   
_Just let me hold you while your falling apart_   
_Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down._   
**_-Ever the Same, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

After Kaidan was released from the hospital, they hopped in a shuttle and headed to Anderson's place, only stopping for a couple of steak sandwiches and a six-pack of beer John had promised him for being a good patient.

The apartment was just as he remembered it. He was hit with the overwhelming sense of nostalgia as soon as the door swung open. Him and John might have first seen each other in Anderson's office, but this is where they first met, officially anyway, and where they—where he—fell in love with the man, even though he didn't know it at the time.

He was at a loss for words when John told him that Anderson had given the place to them. He even carried him over the threshold like they did in the old timey vids after people got married. Sappy romantics, that's what they were.

Nostalgia morphed into unbridled want when John attacked his lips. They were both naked before they hit the closest couch, no time to make it to a bed. John gently pushed him down and fell to his knees before him. He could tell the man was worried about irritating his injuries. He felt fine, but he knew going slow and easy was what John needed at the moment, and so he let himself relax and enjoy every second of it.

John smile up at him tenderly as he gently trailed his fingers up and down his shaft, his cock hardening under his touch. Kaidan caressed his cheek with the back of his hand, at least a week's worth of stubble speaking volumes about just how worried his husband had been about him.

"You know I'm never leaving you, right?" Kaidan asked. _If I can help it,_ he wanted to add, but that fact wouldn't do either of them any good.

John nodded as he leaned into his touch. He ran his other hand over his head, smiling when he realized that he was also a week passed a buzz as well. "I'll shave later," John said, obviously reading Kaidan's thoughts because that's what they did. "Unless you want me to do it now," he smirked, leaning down to rub his stubble on Kaidan's upper thigh.

"You had time to shave me, but not yourself?" he asked, unintentionally accusatory. 

"Well, I don't have to look at me," he spat back.

"You're lucky," Kaidan replied.

"Ouch," John said, pulling back.

"Come on, it was a joke...where are you going?" he asked, slightly pleading when John went to stand up.

"To make myself more presentable, since apparently I look like shit," he huffed.

"I was teasing and I never said that. But more importantly, like hell you are! You started something here," Kaidan said motioning to his rather significant erection, "You don't get to leave till you finish, _Captain,_ " he said pointedly, using a slight pull to bring John back to his knees.

"What did the doctors say about your biotics?" John chided, leveling him with a keen glare. Kaidan knew he was in trouble on that one.

"They said I was cleared to leave the hospital," he replied shortly, knowing damn well he was supposed to take it easy, but he figured that a little burst wouldn't hurt anything.

"What part of 'keep the biotics off line for a bit' did you not understand, Alenko?"

It was so difficult to be mad at his husband for trying to take care of him, and doubly so when he looked so damn sexy with a scowl on his face. He really had to force himself not to tackle him while John tried to look menacing as he kneeled before him buck naked and half hard. Then, he'd really be in trouble for overexerting himself.

"You're right...I'm sorry, it was a reflex. I really blame you for this because there is very little blood left in my brain at the moment, Love," he said in a low, husky voice he knew John absolutely could not resist.

He was only a bit smug when it worked and dissolved the rage right out of his husband. To his credit, John was pretty successful at keeping the smirk off his face, but Kaidan still saw it in his eyes. He leaned forward and brought their foreheads together, gripping the back of John's neck.

"Forgive me," Kaidan whispered. "You've just gotten off the king of all emotional roller coasters and here I am being an total dick."

"Nothing to forgive, dear husband," John assured him, his hands running up Kaidan's sides sending shivers through his body. "I...I just want you to be okay, to heal so we can go kick some Reaper ass. And I'm just...guess I'm still a little on edge."

"I know. But for the record, I'd still love you if you were as ugly as a Krogan or as hairy as a damn chimp. Probably shouldn't say things like that since our son's a Krogan, but you do know that even all scraggly, which I think is, uh, pretty cute, you're still the sexiest man I've ever seen, right?"

John blushed at that. "Hope so 'cause your stuck with me regardless," he answered before tilting his head up to kiss him. "So long as we're on the record, I think calling a Krogan ugly is a compliment," he chuckled.

Kaidan kissed him back, tracing his bottom lip with his tongue before slowly dipping it inside John's silken mouth. They did a lot of kissing at the hospital, in fact the nurses were always interrupting and shooing John back to his cot. But there were no more distractions, they were alone in _their_ home, and Kaidan wanted to revel in it.

Soon, those luscious full lips of John's fell down his neck, soft kisses drawing a path down onto his chest where John gave worship to every inch of skin he could reach. Kaidan knew what he was doing. John had to make sure, reassure himself, that every bit of him was real and alive. He had seen so much death that Kaidan couldn't begrudge him that.

When the tears began to fall, some of them his, he knew they were of relief and happiness. He laid down on the couch and pulled John up beside him. They held each other for awhile, face to face, a mess of limbs and warm biotic skin on skin. They didn't kiss, didn't talk, they only gazing into each other's eyes full of love and adoration, rejoicing in comforting caresses.

As much as he yearned for physical release, especially after John got him all hot and bothered, he knew that wasn't what they needed at the moment. His husband had been raddled just as much as his implant, maybe even more so, and after the turmoil he'd been subjected to since Mars, he needed comfort more than anything.

It wasn't exactly the way he saw their first hour alone together in weeks going, but he couldn't complain. Making love would've been nice, spectacular really, but if they never had sex again, he could be happy with that, with John in his arms as they held each other close. That was all he would ever need.

"Jane said we have a place on the Normandy when you're good to go," John said, eventually breaking the long comfortable silence.

And that was not the way he saw their next conversation starting. He didn't exactly want to talk shop while they were laying naked together for the first time since the Reapers attacked. And he most definitely didn't want to talk about Jane like that either. "What'd you say to her?" Kaidan asked.

"Told her that I didn't think it'd be a good idea, but that we'd think about it."

"What's there to think about? Hackett or the Council can find something for us to do, somewhere where we can do some good," he replied.

"You don't want back on the Normandy? I figured you'd want to be right in the middle of the fight," John said, his thumb rubbing circles on Kaidan's upper thigh that was draped over his.

"I don't know, babe. I think we should sit down and talk to her first before we decide anything. If things are going to be tense and hostile, I don't know if that's where we should be. I know you want to be there to protect her, to help, but it's my job to protect you and I won't let her treat you like that anymore. I can't, I can't watch that, I won't. And if we have to be posted somewhere else because of that, then it's worth it."

"I know you're worried, and gods I love you for it, but I think it'd be good for her to see us together. Maybe if she sees us happy and gets used to it, then she'll come around," John suggested, shrugging a shoulder. "I think she's convinced that I'm trying to hurt her or something, that we got married to spite her, and maybe if she sees that that's not true, then she'll calm down a little."

"I got that vibe too. And you make a good point about showing her instead of banging our heads against a bulkhead while she ignores our words. But I just don't know how healthy that is. What if she thinks we're rubbing it in her face?"

"I don't know...this is new territory for me with her. I know she's hurting about it, and I don't know how to help her through it....I just...I just don't know..."

"I know she's family, she's your sister, and that's important. And I understand we need to try. I'm with you, always, but I won't let her...abuse you anymore," Kaidan firmly stated.

"She doesn't abuse me," John shot back defensively.

 _Yes, she does!_  he wanted to say but bit his tongue. "Push you around then," he sighed.

"I know, babe. I love you," John said, leaning in to give him a peck that turned heated in the blink of an eye.

"Gods, I love you, too!" Kaidan panted back.

"I don't want to worry about this right now. I'm sorry I brought it up. Especially since we have more urgent matters to attend to, Major," John grinned darkly.

"Oh yeah? And what is that?" Kaidan teased.

"I just remembered that we're naked and all alone for the first time in weeks," he said as he started to plant fluttering kisses on Kaidan's neck. "And along with keeping you safe, it's also my job to make you wither in pleasure until you see stars."

"Good thing you're so good at it then," Kaidan rasped, tilting his head so John had more room to work.

Kaidan's breath hitched when John curled his fingers around his cock. His last few days in the hospital had been torture because that's all he wanted John to do. But he wouldn't and Kaidan understood why. John was afraid he would hurt him even though all his tests and scans came back normal.

But John needed gentle, so he waited. In all honesty, he was fine with gentle, gentle was amazing. He knew his husband would absolutely make him wither beneath his touch no matter how they came together. Hot and hard was good, but so was soft and gently.

So was slow and easy like right now, the way John's calloused hands deftly glided over turgid flesh as his cock twitched and pulsed under fingers expertly engineered for his body alone. He let out a moan when John ran his tongue along the ridge of his collarbone, his hips moving forward in search of more friction.

He sucked in a hiss of air when John's hard length rubbed along side his, a large battle-weary hand encasing them both as he stroked them together. His lover's lips found his, tender and plump and decadent, as they kissed ardently.

The building fire in the pit of his stomach began to rage when his own hand joined the mix spurred on by the near breathless whispers of his name on John's tongue. The sounds he made where enough by themselves to send him careening off the ledge.

He needed this, they both did, needed normality, needed each other. They needed the war outside, the fighting with Jane, the close calls with death to all fall away, if only for a tiny fraction of a moment, one brilliant moment, when everything but each other disappeared leaving nothing but the two of them cocooned in a lover's embrace.

"Baby," Kaidan whimpered with his already achy, spent lungs.

That's all it took for John to know he was close, his grip tightening as he sped up their rhythm. Kaidan wasn't holding back this time, not stretching it out to make the pleasure last. He needed to feel, needed his toes curling with bliss, needed John to split every atom in his body apart at the seams.

And he did.

A fast, hard stroke had him coming undone between them, ribbons of white painting their abs as explosive tremors coursed through him. He felt another stream of hot come splashing onto his skin while John panted his name, and that was almost enough to make him hard again.

John pressed their foreheads together as they refilled their lungs with breath from the other, basking in their afterglow. They stay tangled together for a few minutes until John got up to get a towel to clean them up. He also brought back a blanket, and they snuggled naked on the couch together until they both fell fast asleep.

*****

The artificial lights of the Citadel were starting to dim when Kaidan was roused from their nap. John's hand was threading through his hair, his fingernails carving trails of pleasure into his scalp that caused him to unintentionally flare his biotics, tingling shivers trickled over his entire body.

And wasn't that a helluva way to wake up!

"Morning, Sunshine," John smiled lazily at him before kissing the tip of his nose. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you like that," he chuckled.

"Think it's too early to be morning...or too late," Kaidan grumbled sleepily. He ran his hand up John's back to the base of his skull and pulled him in for a long, deep kiss, his fingers massaging his amp port until he flared as well. He could feel John smiling on his lips when they reluctantly broke apart.

"How about I order us a pizza," John suggested.

"Mmmm, sounds perfect," he replied.

John gave him a quick peck on the forehead and got up. He disappeared into the downstairs bedroom and came back with a pair of sweats for each of them and two old frayed Alliance t-shirts. "Wanna sleep in my room tonight or should we just move into the master bedroom?" John asked as they got dressed.

"Yours is closer," Kaidan replied. "We can move things around tomorrow. Tonight, I just want to lounge around with you in my arms. We could watch some vids or something."

"Date night?" John teased.

"Absolutely!"

"I think it's just what the doctor ordered."

After John called for a pizza, Kaidan received a message from his mother. She was hunkering down at the orchard and helping to set up a refugee camp for women and children in the area. She had finally received word from his father a few days pryer. The squadron he was with had been sent a little ways south of Vancouver for the time being.

He left out a small sigh of relief knowing that his father was still out there fighting, but it made him feel useless as he sat on a damn couch waiting for a fucking pizza to be delivered. They needed to get back out there ASAP. But he knew that wouldn't be tonight, and after their scare, he wasn't willing to give up any chance he got to hold his husband close.

They were deep into the second Blasto movie, lounging on the couch, his cheek resting on John's chest as listened more intently to the beat of his heart than the dialog, when his lover's omni-tool pinged with an incoming vidcom. "It's Anderson," John said, sitting them up and transferring the call to the big screen. "Hey Pops," he greeted him when the man came into view. The old soldier looked exhausted and worn out.

"John, Kaidan, have you left the hospital?" he asked, slight relief soothing out his features.

"Earlier today, actually," Kaidan replied.

"That's good news. You two should be up and running in no time. Then we'll really have these bastards on the ropes," the Admiral said with a hard edge to his voice.

"How are you doing?" John asked as they both regarded him with concern.

"I'm holding it together for the time being. I'll send you some encrypted files to your Spectre terminal with more details than I can divulge over this, but this is not a social call," he frowned.

John sat up a bit straighter as he slipped into soldier mode, "What is it?"

"John, I know Kaidan is probably not ready to go out yet, but I need a favor. I've contacted Jane, but she's busy...elsewhere, at the moment and you're the only other person I trust to get the job done."

Kaidan gave his hand a squeeze and flashed an encouraging smile when John looked over at him briefly. "Anything, sir," he replied.

"I received word of a transmission from Kahlee Sanders...," Anderson trailed off.

Kaidan wasn't exactly sure who that was, but he remembered John and Anderson discussing her a time or two.

"What do you need me to do?" John asked.

"I need you to commandeer a ship to Grissom Academy and perform an extraction for her and anyone still on board the station. They're young biotics, kids, who may be under attack by Cerberus...and Kahlee...," he trailed off again.

"I'm on it, Anderson. I'll bring her back safe," he assured him.

"I'll send you all the information I have. The SSV Hastings is currently docked on the Citadel and the Cairo is set to in the next day or so—"

"We'll take the Hastings. You were posted there once, so it seems appropriate," John replied.

"I'll let Captain Wilkins know to expect you. And thank you, John. Send word as soon as you can," Anderson said with a tired smile.

"You can count on me, sir," he said, his posture and tone going rigid and automatic.

"Good luck," the Admiral said before cutting the comms.

"I'm going with you," Kaidan said.

"K?"

"I'll stay onboard, but I'm going," he said firmly as he stood. He held his hand out to John and helped him up.

"Good news is our bags are packed, bad news is I just threw all our shit in there," John chuckled anxiously.

They made their way to the bedroom where John had stowed their bags and pulled out all the unnecessary items. He made a quick call to the Hastings to tell them to prep for departure and put in a call for a few N's to meet them there before they set out to the docking bay.

Neither of them wanted to wait a second longer than they had to after hearing 'kids' and 'Cerberus' in the same sentence. Although, he was pleasantly surprised that John didn't protest when he said he was coming along. He supposed his husband would sleep better with him by his side. He knew he always did.

Following John on an op probably wasn't the smartest thing to do a few hours after being released from the hospital, but since his injuries weren't exactly life-threatening, off they went to Grissom Academy. The journey wasn't too long with John's Spectre authority getting them top priority through the relays.

The hardest part was being stuck on the ship while John boarded the station. It was like they were back on the Normandy and he had to hold his breath while John went out without him. That was always difficult for him. The only thing that offered any relief was the fact that John had a few N7's backing him up. They weren't Garrus or Liara, but he had no doubt they were highly capable soldiers.

The whole op only took about an hour. The team was able to rescue Kahlee and her students and usher them onto a shuttle to make their escape while Cerberus was out chasing the Hastings. Kaidan was there waiting with a kiss as soon as John's boots touched down, that smug, crooked grin of his finally putting him at ease.

The trip back was much more enjoyable because they weren't distracted by planning. They visited with the young biotics who were all impressed by the command John had over his; Kaidan sulked because he couldn't show off. The kids were eager to get on the front lines, but John suggested that they offer support for the time being much to Kahlee's relief.

Him and John spent some time talking with Kahlee as well who John had told him used to be involved with Anderson. They offered her a place to stay when they reached the Citadel but she preferred to stay with her students in the barracks. However, John did convince her to be the one to contact Anderson with news of their successful retrieval.

There was a case of wine waiting for them when they got home that the Admiral somehow managed to send them as a thank you. This time Kaidan insisted on carrying John over the threshold. He only relented when Kaidan threatened to do it with his biotics if he didn't let him.

"What do you say we finish that movie, Major?" John asked after they took the bags upstairs to the master bedroom.

"I don't know, Captain," Kaidan grinned as he leaned in for a quick kiss, "I was kind of hoping to check out that hot tub," his brow raising suggestively.

"Y'know Major, I really like the way you think," he smirked.

Kaidan let out a low rumbling laugh, "Bet you'd _love_ what I'm thinking right now."

"Bet I will," John teased as he pick him up, carried him into the bathroom, and stepped right into the warm, bubbling water, both of them still fully clothed.

"When I envisioned this, we were naked," Kaidan said dryly, standing up to pull off his now soaked shirt, the heavy cloth sticking annoyingly to his skin.

"The night is young, Alenko," John chuckled peeling off his own wet shirt and throwing it to the floor with a squishy plop.

"Well, _Alenko,_ " Kaidan drawled in his best bedroom voice as he stalked towards his husband, "Let's be sure to make it a late one."


	27. Back to the Grind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan celebrate their anniversary; Kaidan gets cleared for duty.

_You're the best thing I ever knew_  
_You do everything that I can't do_  
_Sometimes I get lost in my blue_  
**_-Hard on You, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

John and Kaidan spent the week after the op to Grissom Academy enjoying each other's company and bodies as they christened every room of their new home. They still couldn't believe Anderson just gave it to them, but the man had a big heart. John said he had to have had one to be crazy enough to take in him and Jane.

Kaidan had a few more appointments with the doctors and his L2 specialist. Before the Mars incident, his migraines had lessened a bit, but he had another bad one like at the hospital after testing out his biotics. He was instructed to keep them offline for a little longer. John made sure he followed the doctor's instructions to the letter.

He knew it was torture for John to watch him go through an episode. He waited on Kaidan hand and foot and tried to do whatever he could to help alleviate his symptoms, but there wasn't much to be done but dote over him, which John would've done anyway.

After Kaidan gained most of his strength back, the two had a romantic anniversary dinner they ended up cooking together that consisted of expensive steak and imported Canadian lagers. The beers were John's present to him—it was amazing the connections Spectres had at their disposal—and Kaidan got him a tank for the fish they had.

"You want another, babe?" John asked as he got up to grab himself another beer after they finished their meal. He took his plate and dropped it in the sink on his way by.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" Kaidan smirked, quirking an eyebrow playfully as he followed him to the kitchen.

"How else am I gonna get into your pants," he chuckled back as he snatched two more beers from the fridge.

He walked to the sink where Kaidan was rinsing their plates and leaned his hip against the counter. After Kaidan dried his hands on the dish towel, John handed him his beer. Then, he puckered his lips and didn't let go of the bottle until Kaidan kissed him.

"You know you have a key right?" Kaidan said just as John was taking a pull from his beer. He ended up choking on most of it as Kaidan laughed beside him. But he made up for it by rubbing John's back while he coughed out the suds.

"Geez, Kaid, were those pants made in the Stone Age? We didn't even have keys on Mindoir and we were decades behind the curve."

"Way to ruin the moment," he rolled his eyes playfully.

"Or...were you talking about a different kind of lock and key?" John asked, his voice going low and seductive. "Because if you were...," he said, reaching for Kaidan and tugging on his belt loops until their hips were flush, "Then, I definitely have your key right here, baby." He rocked their hips together to punctuate his point.

"Real smooth, John," Kaidan replied, rolling his eyes again.

"Well, it's a little veiny when you get me going, but you seem to like it," John smirked.

"Oh Spirits, you're drunk and such a lightweight...especially for a biotic," he snickered.

"Maybe I'm just drunk on you."

John spun him around so he could pin him against the counter then kissed him hard as he took the beer from his hand and set both bottles on the counter. He hooked his hands around Kaidan's thighs and hoisted him on top. The not completely unexpected turn of events sent a raspy laugh escaping Kaidan's lips that had John smiling at him wolfishly.

"Not even gonna let our food settle?" Kaidan asked.

John just smiled and peeled his t-shirt off. "No time like the present," he countered. Kaidan wrapped his arms around him as they started kissing, John's hands making quick work of the button on Kaidan's jeans. "Happy Seventh Month Anniversary, Tin Man."

"Thought we were celebrating our sixth," Kaidan chuckled as John's lips began to fall down his neck, sucking and licking as they went. So what if he wanted to celebrate twice? Every day was an anniversary to him and a gift from the gods that he had this man all to himself for the rest of his life.

"Might...be a little...late...for that," John replied between kisses. There was a soft thud as Kaidan's head fell back onto the cabinet when John reached in his pants and took his hardening length in his hand. His other lifted the Major's shirt to expose a nipple which he quickly took into his mouth.

John gave a few shallow pumps on his cock in the confines of his jeans before he set him free. Kaidan's hands moved to John's head as he kissed a line down his stomach. He lightly swirled his tongue around the head of his cock then gently sucked the tip into his mouth.

Almost torturously slow, he moved his lips down Kaidan's shaft slightly before pulling back just enough to trace another light pass around the crown with his tongue. He repeated the pattern, increasing the depth of his bobs with each pass, until he was taking most of Kaidan into his searingly hot mouth.

Kaidan looked down at him and couldn't help but think that that was the most perfect moment of his life. Of course, he had already had that thought at least a million times since they met, but that didn't make it any less true this time.

Not when John's lips were stretched out over his cock, when those brilliant blue eyes were locked onto his and overflowing with so much desire that he almost couldn't breathe under the weight of it, when their bodies were so intertwined that he wasn't sure where he ended and John began.

Their souls had already been fused together, maybe by that first kiss in the battle simulator, or maybe they'd always shared one, the same soul forced to separate at birth until fate showed them the way back to its missing half because he'd never felt complete, he'd never been whole, until they found one another, until he was in John's arms.

Or in his hands as one rubbed the base of his cock while the other pawed at his ass. Soon, there was humming involved and he had to tear his eyes away from John's or it would've been over in seconds. John knew how close he was and pulled off. He stood up and kissed him hard, Kaidan's limbs instinctively wrapping around him.

"Love you," Kaidan chuckled when John picked him up off the counter.

"Love you more," John said back as he sat him down on the table. He peeled the Major's pants off while Kaidan pulled off his shirt and tossed it aside. John kissed him again and maneuvered him down on the table with pretty much his lips alone.

Kaidan heard the zipper of his husband's jeans rustling, and if possible, got even harder than he already was. He bit his bottom lip, his eyes half-hooded, and pushed up on his elbows to watch as John stood back up to step out of his jeans before bending down and shuffling through the pockets. He was fairly certain the man had lube on him at all times, and thank the Spirits for that.

"You're so fucking beautiful, my love," John cooed, popping open the lid to slick his fingers. "I don't know how I ever got so lucky."

"Wasn't luck...it was fate, destiny. We share a soul, you and me," Kaidan replied matter-of-factly.

"I know," he smiled back fondly. "Still lucky, though. My soul hit the jackpot!" They shared a laugh that tapered off when John's smile turned dark.

Kaidan's head fell back when John started working him open. It didn't take long because he was still pretty loose from their little romp at lunch in the locker room of Armax Arena. What was supposed to be blowjobs turned into one of the best fucks of his life. But now they were making love and that was just as mind blowing, maybe even more so.

John gripped his hips and slid him down the table. His ass would've been hanging off if John hadn't been holding him up, but he knew the man always would. Then, he was thrusting his stiff cock into him, and Kaidan knew that that initial feeling of being filled, being whole, would never get old as their bodies molded to one another once again.

Somehow, they got a little sideways as their bodies contorted together. His head and one leg were dangling off the wood, John had a knee on the table, Kaidan's other leg draped around it as fingers dug into his thighs. John was hitting that sweet bundle of nerves deep inside him with every forward surge of his hips, and he was sure the moans escaping his lips could've been heard in the next star system.

He was so close, but when he reached down to stroke himself, John slapped his hand away. "John, please!" he begged, raising his head, and he was not above doing so.

John shook his head, "You feel so fucking good, baby! Bet I can make you come without a single stroke," he challenged. No way was Kaidan stupid enough to take that bet.

Then, there was a hand tweaking his nipple that had him bowing off the table, and the small change in angle was his undoing. Hot spurts of come rained down on his belly from his neglected cock as John let out an animalistic whimper and emptied within him. John gave one last thrust before collapsing on him as they both went limp on the table.

"Shit, that was amazing!" Kaidan panted, his arms holding tightly to John's sweat slick body like he'd float away if they weren't anchored together.

"We're pretty amazing!" the Captain corrected.

Kaidan let out a near breathless chuckle, "Happy anniversary, dear husband."

"They always are with you," John smirked, blue eyes looking lovingly into his.

And Kaidan knew they always would be.

*****

The next morning, John cooked breakfast and they settled on the couch for their morning ritual of going through briefings while they ate. John's omni-tool pinged shortly after and he immediately pulled the comm up on the screen. "Liara, what's up?" he asked around a mouthful of eggs.

She'd gone silent when the Normandy hit Tuchanka a week ago, and they were both starting to worry about the lack of information coming in. She was a sight for sore eyes, but Kaidan got a sinking feeling in his chest that she did not call with good news.

"John, I...hey, Kaidan," she said with a sigh of exhaustion. "I'm afraid a lot is up. I'm sorry I have been unable to keep you better updated on things, but there were Reapers in orbit when we arrived and it's been one thing after another ever since."

"It's fine. We've been busy trying to get him recovered. It shouldn't be too long now until we're rejoining the fight," John said, bumping Kaidan with his shoulder.

"John, I'm afraid we've suffered a few casualties...," she trailed off, the tears forming in her sky blue eyes clear even on the screen.

Kaidan felt John tense next to him, his husband's hand reaching out for his instinctively. "Jane?" John asked shakily.

"Mordin," she solemnly replied.

Kaidan heard the clash of John's fork on his plate and reached his arm out to wrap around him. John crumpled into his touch, his chest heaving as he processed the words she just spoke.

"I'm so sorry...he...he was up in the Shroud to distribute the Cure for the Genophage. He did it, but the structure was too damaged and he didn't make it back out...I'm...we lost the female Krogan as well...I'm so sorry, John. I know you two were close and I wanted to be the one to tell you."

"Thank you," he managed to choke out, his voice was rough and clipped.

"We lost a few good Turians along the way, and somehow the ground team managed to take out a Reaper that was guarding the Shroud using a thresher maw. I'm sure there will be vids of that going around very soon...John, just remember that he died a hero," she added.

"Yeah, Liara," Kaidan said, his hand rubbing John's back as he stared at the ground blankly.

"We are heading back to the Citadel now, but I didn't think this could wait. I'll see you two soon. Take care until then," she frown sadly as the vid flickered out.

Kaidan took John's plate from his lap and sat it down on the cushion beside him along with his. He wrapped both arms around John and pulled him tightly against him as he placed a kiss on his temple.

"He was the first, K, there's going to be more, there already are more that we don't know, some we probably do, but he was the first confirmed that...," John said, his voice bitter and sorrowful.

"I know. It's..."

"...too early for a shot?"

"Not today," Kaidan said as he stood. He walked behind the bar, John following along, and poured them each a shot of whiskey. As soon as the glass was full, John downed his. Kaidan did the same before pouring them another.

"To Mordin," John said, raising his second glass.

Kaidan clinked his to John's. "An amazing friend," he added as they drank.

"The best."

Kaidan put his glass down and slid his arms around to John's lower back. He hugged him close, their heads resting against the other's, and got lost in the simple rhythm of his lover's steady breath. His eyes drooped closed as their bodies relaxed together. They stood there for a few minutes until John kissed his cheek and pulled away.

"Let's have a nice workout then do something in his honor," Kaidan suggested. "I think there's a Salarian museum down in the wards somewhere."

"Y'know what, love? I don't think there is a better way to celebrate the life of a big nerd than by going to a museum."

Kaidan gave him a sweet smile before kissing him softly, "I think you're right."

*****

A few days later, Kaidan was finally cleared for duty. Him and John reported to the Council Chambers to check in with the Council. Admiral Hackett had a few possible assignments for him that Jane was too busy for, but John wanted to see if there were any pressing matters the Council might've needed before they committed to anything.

The war had the Councilors on edge as they had to deal with galactic matters as well as face the problems their home worlds and species were facing. Kaidan understood that, but he couldn't help but chastise them in his head. If they had only listened to Jane and her crew—the people who knew what they hell they were talking about—they might've all been better prepared for this.

Udina looked nervous and fidgeted constantly. The prick was even more short tempered than usual. Esheel was preoccupied with the fallout from Sur'Kesh but was upbeat considering the Genophage was just cured against her wishes. Quentius was dealing with Palaven falling as they waited for the Krogan support they were promised. Irissa was the only one whose home world wasn't burning yet but was still in a particularly sour mood.

After their short and unproductive meeting with the Council, John was only told that his help was requested by Spectre Jondum Bau. When they finished assisting him with his latest assignment, they were to report back to the Council to escort them to a high profile security meeting that had been the target of a few anonymous threats.

They were soon dismissed and set out to the Spectre office in the embassies to meet Bau. As soon as they hit the elevator, John voiced exactly what he'd been thinking, "Did Udina seem even more prickly and nervous than usual?"

"I noticed...maybe it's about the meeting. They received multiple threats about decreasing spending while there is a war raging outside," Kaidan replied as he leaned against the cold metal wall, arms crossed as he thought about the possible implications of that. None were particularly comforting.

"That's exactly when security spending should be _increased._ "

"Apparently, Udina disagrees...."

"The bastard is going to get people killed," John all but growled, his eyes tightening in consternation, "Something feels off with him...even more so than usual."

"We'll be able to keep an eye on him at the meeting. Of course, his suggestion to decrease spending makes me want to kick his ass."

John laughed and Kaidan shot him a questioning look. "Just thinking about the headline: First Human Spectre's husband kicks Human Councilor's ass," he chuckled. "I'd pay to see that."

The door slid open and they walked into the embassies. Spectre Bau was waiting for them right outside the Spectre office. He introduced himself and asked for help on investigating the possible indoctrination of a Hanar diplomat. Kaidan wasn't sure if it was out of his sense of duty, his soft spot for Salarians, or an attempt to pay homage to Mordin, but John agreed without hesitation. It was probably all three and then some.

Kaidan followed him inside the Spectre office to the information terminal. He wrapped his arms around him and pressed his chest into John's back while he went to work checking for any possible leads. John quickly gave Bau access to security reports before closing down the terminal and spinning in Kaidan's arms.

"We're totally going to fuck in here someday, but right now, there is work to be done," John said before kissing him hard. Kaidan groaned his protest when he pulled away. John sighed. The incentive to quickly finish the investigation and head back to the office for a hot 'debriefing' was a pretty damn good one.

After checking out a couple of suspicious money transfers at the Hanar embassy, him and John caught an elevator down to the holding docks to find more information on a possible suspect. They were met with a dead end but eventually discovered another possible suspect when Kaidan suggested that they check out recent Hanar arrivals to the Citadel.

Finally armed with a name, Zymandis, and evidence of indoctrination, they went back to grab an elevator to the Hanar embassy where they were to meet Bau. Kaidan was never good with elevators, they often left his head swimming when he got out of them. That was one thing he hated about the Citadel, all the elevators. He wobbled a little when he exited, but John steadied him.

"Whoa, baby...are you alright?" John soothed as he held onto his waist.

"Just these damn elevators. Sometimes they mess with my equilibrium," Kaidan confessed. He shook his head to clear the odd cotton feeling in his head. "I'm good," he said after a moment.

"Y'sure?"

"Let's go get this bastard," he replied in lieu of an answer, leading the way to the embassy.

"Wonder what a Hanar husk would look like," John mused out loud while they waited for Bau to show up.

"I imagine they'd look just the same," Kaidan smirked, "Like big jellyfish, but I don't want to find out."

"Spectre Alenko," Bau said as they approached, "Major Alenko," he nodded to Kaidan, "Shall we proceed?"

"Lead the way, Bau," John said, waving him ahead.

They walked into the Hanar embassy and confronted Zymandis. The Hanar explained that because the Enkindlers were turned into the Collectors and were serving the Reapers that the Hanar should do the same since they worship the former Protheans. Kaidan had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing when John called him a big stupid jellyfish because of that, but things deteriorated quickly after that.

Zymandis was attempting to upload a virus to the automated Hanar defense systems around their homeworld that would've rendered the entire planet defenseless against the Reapers. When Bau tried to block the upload he was grabbed by Zymandis' bodyguard.

"Help Bau, I got the virus!" Kaidan ordered. He jumped over the desk in the center of the room to get to the server and started hacking into the system to stop the virus from going out. It was on a lower encrypted channel that had a time lag and he was able to intercept the virus before it went through.

But his blood ran cold when he heard a gunshot behind him. He spun around, his heart pounding right out of his chest, but let out a sigh of relieve when he saw Bau with his gun drawn as him and John stood over the dead Hanar.

"Thanks for the assist," Bau said as he holstered his weapon. "It was an honor to work with you both. When the time comes, I'll be there to return the favor...with a few friends," he nodded as he turned to exit.

"That was some quick thinking there, Major Alenko," John smiled proudly, "I can't hack as fast as you."

Kaidan stole a sweet kiss from him before C-Sec entered to secure the scene. "Are you going to take me back to the office and reward me from being such a big help?" Kaidan smirked.

"Aye, Sweetheart, watching you take charge back there got me so fucking hot," he whispered low in his ear as they started back to the Spectre office.

"Want me to order you around some more?" he teased.

"Gods yes! Will that be reward enough for...," John trailed off, his omni-tool pinging before he could finish his thought, "Message from Udina, says we are to report to the Council chambers ASAP, says the meeting got pushed up."

"So raincheck on Spectre office sex?" Kaidan sighed.

"I will hold you to that," John smirked.

"Do we have time to suit up?"

"With the threats to the Council, I don't want to chance going anywhere near them without our armor...especially since it's your first day back on duty," John said as they corrected their trajectory and caught the elevator.

"Taking down an indoctrinated Hanar and saving an entire species from the Reapers seems like an appropriate way to welcome me back," Kaidan chuckled.

"Let's just hope the rest of our day isn't quite as eventful."

"Oh come on, babe, where's the fun in that?" he said, quirking a brow.

"Alright...but if bullets start flying, you better get your ass behind me," John said sternly.

"Giving the orders now, Captain? 'Cause that's one I could definitely _get behind,_ " he purred. He didn't even bother hiding the smug smile that spread across his face when John's eyes darkened and his cheeks reddened.

They quickly made their way back to their apartment to strap on their armor. Just as Kaidan slipped on his last gauntlet, he couldn't help but think that it was shaping up to be the perfect day. Maybe the universe had finally decided to give them a well-earned break.

That was until an incoming comm streamed through both of their omni-tools.

The message: _The Citadel is under attack. All C-Sec and Spectres respond. Cerberus has infiltra—_

They both looked at each other wide-eyed as Kaidan's stomach plummeting. "Cerberus," they hissed in unison.

So much for the perfect day.


	28. The Coup Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The kickass space husbands work to save the Council.

_We know the end is overrated_  
_We've become the walls we raise_  
_We don't believe enough but we still care_  
_Standing on the edge without a prayer_  
**_-Sleeping at the Wheel, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

"This is Spectre Alenko! I need a status update....Bailey?! Anybody?!" John frustratedly yelled as they rushed out of their apartment. He looked nervously at Kaidan, "...I'm not getting anyone...SHIT! All the damn comms are down!"

"We have to get to the Council," Kaidan said as they stepped into the elevator. "That was our assignment and we don't know if they are secure, and until we know what these Cerberus bastards want, we shouldn't take any chances."

"I think we should take a skycar up to the tower. That should offer us some protection and hopefully keep us off any of their radar if they are after the Council. I really hate these guys," John grumbled.

"What do you think they want?"

"To stir up trouble? To be complete assholes? To kidnap or kill the Council? Who knows what the Illusive Man has up his sleeve...good news is I don't think they have enough man power to worry about the wards. They'll probably stick to major points of interest—"

"Like the Presidium and C-Sec headquarters...if they take the control tower, they can control the whole Citadel," Kaidan bit out, his hands balling into fists as they commandeered a C-Sec skycar. "You drive!" he said, not trusting himself behind the wheel.

They got into the car and John immediately headed for the Council chambers as fast as possible. When they got to the Presidium Kaidan spotted several C-Sec officers engaging with multiple Cerberus troops. "They have heavy mechs...how the hell did they get them onto the station?"

"Inside help," John said annoyed. "Any luck with the comms?"

"No, they had to have taken out the communications center. This was well planned," he said with disgust. "Don't we have enough to worry about with the Reapers without having to add Cerberus to the mix?"

"Kaidan, the Illusive Man is planning something big. That's the only thing that makes sense. I just hope we figure it out before it's too late...the problem is that I think I know what that is."

Kaidan shot him a questioning look.

"He was after the data on Mars...," John said. Kaidan saw the flash of emotion in his eyes at the mention of the red planet, but they had to let that go for now. "...I think he wants to build the Crucible and use it himself."

"Why? So he can be the one to defeat the Reapers?"

"I don't know...nothing else makes sense...."

"Not much the asshole does makes sense to rational people," Kaidan added.

They finally made it to a landing pad near the Council chambers and scampered out of the skycar. Kaidan readied his assault rifle and John his shotgun as they headed inside the building. They came to another set of elevators and Kaidan groaned internally. The Council was most likely in a secure bunker waiting extraction which was somewhere under ground level.

"More elevators," John teased once they were securely inside. "You okay, love?"

"Yeah, it's usually after I step out that I have the problem. The Presidium elevators are smoother and don't bother me as much. The ones to the docking bays are hell," he chuckled.

"How about with the gunfire? I have a feeling we are about to get into the suck."

"Stay behind your ass, right?" Kaidan smirked as he shot his husband a wink.

"Gods yes!" John exclaimed.

The elevator stopped and they cautiously stepped out into a large atrium. There were plants lining the walls in an attempt to make up for the clinical appearance and a few offices leading off on either side. The place looked like an unassuming office suite which was the point. They walked passed the offices to the far wall and went through a set of large doors.

On the other side of those was a long corridor. They continued on until they came to a smaller corridor that led to a large reinforced door. John punched in his Spectre codes and waited for the lock to turn from red to green.

"How come we haven't encountered any troops yet? If they were targeting the Council, shouldn't we have run into some sort of resistance?" Kaidan said.

"Hmmm, not sure. There are multiple escape routes and holding areas especially designed to thwart this kind of thing...but if this was some sort of inside job, then I would think they'd have an idea of where the Council would be. Maybe they weren't the targets," John replied.

"Maybe they just want the station...."

"Or maybe they're just waiting for us to walk them out of the bunker for them...."

"Spectre Alenko! Major! Thank the goddess," Irissa said, her shoulders relaxing as the door swooshed open and they entered the room.

"What's going on out there?" Quentius asked. Udina was standing quietly between them, his face stone.

"Cerberus is attacking the Citadel. We have to get you out of here," John explained.

"Where's Esheel?" Kaidan asked.

"We haven't seen her. Last we heard she was heading to her office for some last minute preparations for the meeting," Irissa said.

"John, should one of us go—"

"No, she should have her bodyguards with her, and I'm not sure I can cover all three of them if we get pinned down," John interjected.

"I have my biotics and Quentius is a Turian," Irissa reminded them.

"We can't risk three Councilors for the one we aren't sure about. We don't have a location or the status of Esheel. For all we know, we could already be too late," John said.

"John—" Kaidan started.

"No, Major! We stay together," he insisted.

"Alright," he conceded, nodding his understanding, "We need to get moving in case they have teams working their way here. I suggest going back to the Wards until we can find a way off the station."

"We have a skycar parked at the top of this building. If we get separated or tell you to make a run for it, that's where you go," the Spectre said. All four nodded at his order and they set out back towards the elevators, John in front and Kaidan taking up their six.

Right before they were to round the last corner, the chime on the elevator dinged. John stopped dead in his tracks. He held up his hand for them to hold position before carefully peaking around the corner. "Cerberus," he whispered, motioning for everyone to turn around.

They backtracked and regrouped in the corridor by the bunker they had come from. Kaidan pulled up schematics on his omni to a find them an alternate route. "We may be able to get back to ground level by way of this stairwell," Kaidan said as John looked over his shoulder. "Then we can take this service elevator all the way up. Alternatively, if we can get to up to or passed ground level, we might be able to get to the main elevator and take it back up. It might be hairy out in the open, but they're not too far from each other."

"I'm hoping we don't have to go out there, but be prepared for anything. Keep you're barrier up but _please_ don't over do it, K. I'll try to extend mine as much as I can," John replied. Kaidan nodded and they turned back to the Councilors, "Okay, keep it tight, and keep it quick...let's move out."

Kaidan took point and led them to a maintenance stairwell. Gunfire could be heard sporadically, but they didn't encounter anyone as they went along. It was a few flights up to the service elevator, but if they were lucky, they could take it all the way up.

They weren't lucky. The elevator stopped abruptly between floors as the emergency lights flickered on. "Damn," John cursed, "Can you hack it?" he asked Kaidan.

"I can try," he replied. Irissa gave him a wary look as he stepped over to the console. After a few minutes, he huffed in frustration. "I don't think I can override it from here. There's some sort of interference."

"We can't stay here," Quentius said.

"Alright, we're going out. Here," John said, handing the Turian a pistol. He reluctantly gave his spare to Udina. "I'm assuming you know how to use one?"

"Of course I do, _Shepard_ ," Udina hissed in reply.

"It's _Alenko_ ," Kaidan corrected. John gave him an amused look before he started to pry the doors open. Neither trusted the man with a bread knife let alone something potentially more dangerous.

"I'll go first," John said after the doors were open. They were somewhere above ground level, but they still had a long way to go. The elevator was caught between floors and Kaidan had to boost him up so he could crawl out of the small hole in the doors. Kaidan was the last out and Quentius pulled him up while John covered them. "Alenko, you know where we're going?"

"Aye, to the left then—"

"Take point. Whatever happens, you get them to the shuttle," John interrupted.

Kaidan gave him a nod and moved to the front. They slowly eased their way outdoors where the sound of sirens and gunfire and the smell of ozone, fire, and overheated thermal clips assaulted their senses. They hugged the buildings as they went along, and Kaidan was prematurely relieved they hadn't spotted any Cerberus troops up to that point.

As if on cue, a Cerberus shuttle dropped five hostile right in their path. "Inside!" John yelled. The group was able to take cover in a small shop as the troops advanced. Kaidan laid down supportive fire, determined to hold back his biotics until they were absolutely necessary. John sent out a couple of shockwaves and Irissa used a throw to toss a couple off the ledge.

"Shit, they're dropping two shuttles in behind us. Kaidan, you take the Councilors and keep pushing forward. I'll hold back and try to draw them off your trail."

"John, you said we stay together," Kaidan reminded him.

"We have to keep them safe! Get them to the shuttle and I'll meet you there...I promise," he said before giving him a quick kiss, "Now go while you have an opening."

Kaidan didn't like John's plan in the slightest, but it offered the best chance to get the Council back to the shuttle. "Stay safe," he said, "Love you."

"Love you, too. Go!"

"Irissa, you have a barrier, so stay in the back. That should give us all a little cover," Kaidan said as they started out. He tried his best not to think about the volley of gunshots going off behind them. John could handle himself.

They only encountered a few lone Cerberus troops on their way through to the elevator. He took them out easily with his assault rifle. Quentius had to help out with one or two, but Kaidan had a hunch the Turian had been itching to get in on the action. Irissa did her best to extend her barrier to the other two Councilors and orchestrated a slam on a hostile behind them that they missed. Udina just looked like a scared fish out of water.

Kaidan had to force himself to stay in the moment. His mind kept trying to drift back to John and how he shouldn't have left him alone. Not with the comms down. It would've been one thing if he could hear his reassuring voice, but he felt like he was flying blind without him.

He breathed a sigh of relief when they finally made it to the elevators. And not a moment too soon as a heavy mech was deployed right behind them. He hoped John would find an alternative route and not be stupid enough to try and take the thing down on his own. Maybe he had beaten them to the shuttle and was ready and waiting.

He couldn't afford to think right now, about anything, he had to focus on the Council. Once they were secure on the elevator heading up, he finally had a chance to take a breather. It didn't help that all three Councilors were staring at him expectantly. His hand automatically raised to rub the back of his neck.

"We're heading to the Wards?" Quentius asked.

"I'm not sure where else to go. From what we saw on the way over, Cerberus was heading to the major points of operation. The comms are obviously down which means they must be in the control tower and most likely C-Sec headquarters, so I'm not sure where else we can go or if we'll be able to find a way off the station when we get there," Kaidan replied.

"I hope you don't expect us to wait around for Shepard to show up," Udina snarled.

"Spectre _Alenko_ is the Spectre currently assigned to you, so yes, I was," he said, trying very hard not to snap back at the man.

"You might as well be a Spectre, we can easily approve your appointment right now."

"You want me to be a Spectre?" Kaidan asked in disbelief.

"It has been discussed, but serving with your husband has provided no need for us to do so," Irissa said.

"Well, if it's all the same to you, that's how it's going to stay," he firmly said. They were talking like John wouldn't be there, wouldn't show up, but he promised. Did they think he was already....no, he couldn't think about that right now. Thankfully, or regretfully, a series of loud bangs put a stop to that line of thinking.

"What was that?" Quentius yelled.

"Gunshots...sounds like in the shaft," Kaidan murmured. _Fuck...you better show up, John!_ "Get into the corners."

They were almost to their floor when there was a loud thud on the roof of the cab. "Did you feel that?" Irissa asked.

"Gunman...get down!" Kaidan ordered. He peppered the ceiling with a few rounds from his pistol as the elevator arrived at their floor. He covered the Council as they made a run for the shuttle, but his heart stopped when he saw the flames shooting out from their skycar. And John was no where in sight. "Dammit, Cerberus hit the shuttle! Back to the elevator. Move!"

He turned back around to find Shepard, Garrus, and James blocking the exit, guns drawn on him as a shiver of pure fear ran down his spine. Garrus and James lowered their weapons but Jane's pistol was trained on him with steady hands.

"Shepard? What's going on?" Kaidan asked, his brow furrowing as he the realization hit him that he had a gun trained on his sister-in-law and John was not here.

"Shepard's blocking our escape. She's with Cerberus," Udina insisted.

"Put away the weapon...you don't want this to get ugly," Kaidan said to Shepard, his voice firm and even, camouflaging the whirlwind of emotion swirling around in his head. He had a bad feeling that no matter what, things were about to get ugly.

"Stand down and I'll talk," came Shepard's bitter reply, her eyes narrowing on him like a predator hungrily eyeing her prey.

"Talk and maybe I'll stand down," he snarled.

"We don't have time to negotiate. You've been fooled...all of you. Udina's behind this attack. The Salarian Councilor confirmed it."

"Please...you have no proof. You never do!" Udina huffed.

"There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator behind us. If you open that door, they will kill you all," Shepard said through gritted teeth.

"What Shepard says is possible, unlikely, but possible," Irissa added.

"Shepard...look at us. This can't end well," Kaidan said as he tried to reason with her. The last thing he wanted to do was put a bullet in Jane, but he would if he had to, if she pushed him to. What would John think of him if he killed his sister? Could they get passed something like that?

But that was his job right now, to protect the Council against all threats, and he would do it to the best of his ability regardless of what that entailed. He had no proof either way. Would Udina really sink that low? Would Garrus and James still be backing her up if she was lying? What the hell was he supposed to do here?

"Dammit, Kaidan! I _will_ shoot you if I have to!" Jane snapped.

"Everyone knows you've wanted to do that ever since the Collector base," he pointed out.

"Of course I do! You stole my only family away!"

"Jane," Garrus said from behind her.

"I didn't steal him, I saved him...from you!" Kaidan bit back. "You spent your whole life abusing him, blaming him for things that weren't his fault, controlling him, and you hate me because I broke your spell. You're not his sun anymore and that's what this is really about, your loss of control over him."

"I don't abuse him!! And you don't know what the hell you're talking about," she shouted.

"Oh yeah? Who gave him that scar on his head? You pushed him into that glass door didn't you? What about the crescent on his forearm? I supposed that bottle just flew across the room on its own," Kaidan said sardonically. "And I won't even go into the psychological number you've done on him."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I've taken care of him, that's what I've been doing, since birth. ME, not you. You think you can just come in out of no where and know what's best for him?"

"Yes, because I do!"

"Bullshit!"

"Amigos, now's not the best time," James chimed in.

"Don't you care that he's happy? Don't you want that? Because you should. That's what family is supposed to want for each other," Kaidan continued.

"He was happy...before you," Jane said. "With me, he was happy with ME!"

"Was he?"

"We don't have time to for this. We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock," Udina said from behind him as he walked over to a nearby console.

"Last chance, Kaidan. Walk away or I will put you down," Shepard growled.

"Jane?" Garrus pleaded.

"From you? Or from my husband?" Kaidan asked, flexing the hand wrapped around his pistol, his finger moving into position on the trigger. Sweat was running down his brow, the growing tension twisting his gut into knots. _John, where the fuck are you?_

"Both!"

"Not gonna happen, Shepard...Councilor, get the door," he ordered.

Kaidan had to protect them. At all costs. He was out numbered. He had no way of knowing how James or Garrus would react once he pulled the trigger. He may very well die, right here, right now.

He swallowed hard. _Forgive me, my love._ His finger twitched anxiously on the trigger as he began to squeeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, you guys! 100k words!! Thank you all so so much for reading and kudos and comments and all that jazz! Love ya lots!! <33


	29. The Coup: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Coup continues; John and Kaidan are reunited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are several mentions of blood in this chapter, but nothing too overly gory, I don't think.
> 
> This chap ends on the most evil cliffhanger I've probably ever done. And I am sorry. I do hope you still love, or at the least, don't hate me on the other side of it. <3

_Every word you never said_   
_Echoes down your empty hallway_   
_And everything that was your world_   
_Just came down_   
**_-The Difference, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**Jane**

"Last chance, Kaidan. Walk away or I will put you down," Jane said. She would do it if she had to. John would forgive her...eventually. Because she was doing the right thing, she was in the right here! Councilor Esheel would confirm it, would back her up. Garrus and James, too.

Garrus said her name, but she ignored him, couldn't show weakness, couldn't afford to break her concentration. All her attention was on Kaidan: her former lover, her...brother-in-law...the current enemy in her crosshairs. Her conscience would be clean with this. He was on the wrong side.

"From you? Or from my husband?" Kaidan hissed.

And she wanted to punch him in the face, but she was holding a gun on him instead, her finger not quite on the trigger, but it was inching closer every second. "Both!" she replied.

"Not gonna happen, Shepard...Councilor, get the door," he said to Udina. The Councilor scowled at her and moved towards the console. He was the bastard responsible for this, for the bodies they'd passed on their way up and the countless others that no doubt littered the station.

A year ago, or three, she could've talked Kaidan out of this, could've made him trust her, made him see the truth. He would've trusted her with his life and the Councilors, but it all went wrong somewhere, went to hell, and now they were staring down the barrel of each other's gun. How did they get here?

And where the hell was John? Maybe it was best if he wasn't present for this, if he didn't have to see what she was about to do. He didn't need to watch her make him a widower.

Why were they so stubborn?! She tried to talk Kaidan down, tried to make him see reason, but he was forcing her hand! She was going to have to put him down. John would get passed it. She'd be there to pick up the pieces, like always. He'd understand, he'd have to. Someday. _This is not on me!_

She saw Kaidan's finger twitch.

He hesitated.

But she didn't.

It was automatic, her finger pulling the trigger guided by reflex more than conscious thought, muscle memory. She was a weapon, fine-tuned. She was born for this, bred for this, to kill, to protect, to serve the greater good. To get the job done without thinking, without feeling, on instinct.

The blinding flash from the muzzle peppered her vision with white dots. The loud bang made her ears hurt. The yelling, she couldn't hear what was being said, it was a jumbled mess, like trying to hear under water. Voices screaming, mumbling names and gods only knew what else.

Kaidan hit the ground in front of her, a streak of red lightening knocking him down.

"He has a gun!" Irissa cried. It was the first thing to get through to her shellshocked brain. She heard another shot ring out, the Turian Councilor's gun smoking in his hand in her periphery. Udina went down, arms flailing as he fell. It would've been comical if she hadn't been in a state of utter shock.

She was too focused on John, on his blood pooling on the concrete, the blood that she drew, the same blood that coursed through her veins at light speed with every beat of her heart, the life fluid flowing out from the bullet hole in his armor, the one she was responsible for.

Kaidan was draped over him, cradling him in his arms as Garrus bent down beside them. The blue flicker of his biotics engulfed all three and shimmered in the artificial lights of the Presidium. Locking them him, locking her out.

"Shepard! The door!" James hollered, spinning around as he rose his gun.

But she couldn't take her eyes off John.

She was frozen to the spot, the pistol hanging in a limp hand by her side. Her feet were rooted to the ground like she was part of it, a statue, but her mind was racing, replaying the last ten seconds on an endless loop.

This was not how it was supposed to go.

 

**John: Twenty Minutes Prior**

"John, you said we stay together," Kaidan insisted.

"We have to keep them safe! Get them to the shuttle and I'll meet you there...I promise," John said before they shared a brief kiss, "Now go while you have an opening."

He didn't want to split up, but there was no other option. They had to get the Councilors to safety, and he would use himself as bait to ensure they got back to the shuttle. He had to turn his head; he couldn't watch Kaidan walk away.

"Stay safe," Kaidan replied, "Love you."

"Love you, too. Go!" he ordered over his shoulder.

He laid down suppressive fire and tossed a smoke grenade he snagged off a dead Cerberus agent to mask their escape. A few minutes later, he followed their trail a ways until he came to the entrance to some sort of administrative complex.

Ducking inside, he took out at least two teams that followed him into an atrium—picking a few off with his sniper rifle before switching to his shotgun and tossing a few around with his biotics—before being pushed further into the offices.

Soon, he came to a huge room full of cubicles and was able to take out another small team that had advanced on him. It was a good sign that they were still in pursuit of him instead of having turned their attention on looking for the others.

After he was confident that Kaidan and the Councilors had enough of a head start, he decided to make his retreat and look for a way up to the shuttle pad. He made his way out of the big room into a long hallway that lead to some elevators. They were dead, so he continued on as quickly as possible.

Eventually, he located another maintenance elevator, but it was also offline. He pried the doors open anyway and squeezed through into the shaft, closing them after to thwart any Cerberus troops from following him. If he was lucky, they would continue on down the labyrinth of offices.

He shimmied along the small ledge around to the ladder in between elevators and started to climb. His arms and legs were burning after the tenth floor, but he had to keep going. He had to get to Kaidan, had to make sure they made it and that the Council was okay. But mostly, he just needed to see his husband, his face, his perfect eyes the shade of their favorite whiskey. That's what kept him going; he needed to make sure he was safe.

Sweat was pouring off him by the time he made it to the floor where they landed the shuttle. Working his way back outside, he was thankful he didn't meet any resistance, but the faint sound of gunfire could still be heard in the distance. He hoped that meant Cerberus hadn't made it up to their level yet and were still concentrated on lower floors.

His heart skipped a beat when he saw smoke in the distance. He couldn't be sure, but it looked like it might be close to where the shuttle was. At that point, he picked up the pace, moving as fast as he could on legs that were starting to feel like lead and rubber at the same time.

He rounded a corner and was finally able to make out the flaming shuttle. His heart picked up speed and was pounding in his chest at a hundred lightyears a second. _Please, K! Please don't be on that shuttle._ He ran a little closer and breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed figures standing away from the wreckage.

While he couldn't be sure, his gut was telling him that the blue blob was his husband...but something wasn't right.

When he got closer still, his short range comms started picking up their signal.

 _"Las- ch-chance, -aidan. Wal- aw-way or - -ill pu- you down,"_ he heard Jane said.

 _"Ja--?"_ Garrus said.

 _"Fr-- you? Or fr-from my -usban-?"_ Kaidan asked. That voice was like a heavenly melody to John's ears, but the distressed tone had his stomach twisting and churning viciously.

_"Both!"_

_"Not gonna -appen, Shepar-...Councilor, get the -oor,"_ Kaidan said.

What the hell was going on? He was soon close enough to see that Kaidan and Jane had their guns pointed at each other. Garrus was behind Jane, and it looked like James was as well, but he couldn't be sure. The Councilors were behind Kaidan where they belonged, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out why Jane would want to get to the Council.

Was she with Cerberus? Had she helped plan this Coup? His head was spinning at the thought. She wouldn't do that...would she? Surely Garrus and James wouldn't have her back if she did. Jane was crazy, but not insane.

Was this about him and Kaidan? Jane had been pretty clear that at least part of it was by telling Kaidan to walk away from him. His husband answered correctly. No way in hell John would let him do something like that, no matter what. It just was not an option.

But was that going to get Kaidan killed?

John knew one of them was going to pull the trigger. He could feel it, like an itch. And he knew it would be Jane. She wouldn't hesitate, might not even regret it for a second. He had to get to them, to Kaidan, had to protect him, but he was already running at full speed. He just needed to get in range before she squeezed the trigger.

The sound of the gun hit his ears just as he initiated a biotic charge, time stopping around him as he traveled the remaining distance to his husband's side. Slamming into Kaidan after his scare on Mars was not ideal, but there was no other way. He had to get to him fast.

He knocked Kaidan out of the way just in time, but the bullet hit him right in the chest as he came out of the charge, the crackle of his armor setting his teeth on edge. And of course Jane would have armor piercing rounds locked and loaded against Cerberus.

The bullet stung as it ripped through flesh and bone as it entered his chest cavity before he even registered that it was him who took the hot metal projectile. _Jane?_ He looked at her with wide eyes, brows knitted together in disbelief. Kaidan's hands were on him, guiding him down as his legs finally gave out.

"John! Baby?! Oh gods! Shit, just hold on, okay?...Jane?! What have you done?" Kaidan was yelling, an arm curling around him as he reached for medi-gel with the other.

"Baby? Are you okay?" John asked.

"GARRUS?"

"I'm right here," Garrus replied as he bent down beside them.

"I can't..." Kaidan said tossing the medi-gel packets to him, his hands shaking too much to do anything but hold him.

John winced as Kaidan put pressure on the wound as best as he could. He removed his hand so Garrus could squirt the gel into the gaping hole, Kaidan tapping into the medical interface of his suit to release stims and pain killers into his system.

He heard someone wail when Kaidan put his hands back into his armor to help stop the bleeding. It didn't even register that it was him until Kaidan was trying to shush him, tears streaming down his face as he whispered soothing words to him.

It was too much. He hurt so bad with every stuttered breath, a strange pressure building in his chest. His lids were getting heavy and he tried to fight it, tried to keep his eyes on his lover's. But the beautiful brown slowly gave way to black.

 

**Kaidan**

Kaidan didn't have time to think after Jane pulled the trigger. He was already on the ground by the time he realized she'd even done it. His ears were ringing and he was momentarily disoriented, his head foggy from the force of the...whatever it was that just happened.

For a split second, he thought he'd been shot, but he looked up to see John standing where he stood—a hand clutching his chest—and his world stopped when realization hit. His husband had taken a bullet for him, a bullet that had his name on it, a bullet that he probably deserved.

He'd admit it, he took John away from her. He didn't mean to, didn't plan it, but John was worth the risk, worth taking a bullet for, worth a hundred. And he only did it out of love, to give him back every ounce of that love that John had freely blessed him with. That's what the man deserved, not Jane's wrath and certainly not his bullet.

Kaidan would've shot Jane to save the Council, but she pulled the trigger out of rage, out of hurt and anger. If she took John away from him, if he died, he wouldn't waste a bullet on her. He'd rip apart every molecule in her body, he'd reave her and save the bullet for himself.

"NO!" he yelled, his body moving before his mind knew what had happened. He was on his feet as John began to fall, as the blood began to ooze out of the hole in his armor. "What the fuck did you just do?!" he screamed at Jane, his mind scattered. "Baby, why did you do that?" he asked John, easing him down on the ground, unsure of what else to say.

"Spirits, Jane!" he heard Garrus mutter as he came to their side.

There was a gunshot behind him that barely registered. On instinct, his barrier went up to protect them both. He knew it was wrong, but by this point, he didn't give a damn whether or not Jane or anyone else killed the Council. John was his number one priority, his only priority. There was nothing else.

"You can't do this to me, John!" he ordered, his arms hugging his husband tightly to his chest.

"What do you need?" Garrus asked, but he had no idea how to answer that.

"John! Baby?! Oh gods! Shit, just hold on, okay?...Jane?! What have you done?" he yelled again. _Medi-gel,_ he reminded himself. He had to calm down; he needed to fall back on his medic training. He had to stop the bleeding.

"Baby? Are you okay?" John asked.

He couldn't answer that, he needed to focus; he needed help. There was no way he could do this by himself. "GARRUS?"

"I'm right here," the Turian replied.

"I can't..." Kaidan said. He tossed him a few packets of medi-gel as he started to administer stims into John's body. He needed to keep him awake, needed to assess the damage, and stop the bleeding. He could punch Jane later.

Garrus applied the gel to the wound, but Kaidan knew there was no way it got deep enough to stop whatever internal damage had been done. John's breathing was getting pretty labored and he cried in pain when Kaidan put his hands on the wound to curb some of the bleeding.

"I'm so sorry, my love," Kaidan sobbed. His eyes were watering as he tried not to dwell on the fact that he ripped that blood curdling sound from his husband's lungs. "You're gonna be just fine, okay?"

"Shepard! The door," James said, but he was too focused on John to even look.

"Great...," Garrus huffed as he reached for his pistol. "I gotta cover the door."

Kaidan had no idea what to do. John needed to get to a hospital immediately, but if Jane was right and Cerberus was hacking the doors, there was not a lot that could be done. There wasn't much cover; they were sitting ducks. The landing pad was compromised, so there was no telling when they could get any kind of evac to take him to the hospital.

"Everything is going to be alright, sweetheart. You just have to stay with me," he said, preparing for an onslaught of gunfire as the doors slid open.

"Bailey?" Jane said with confusion.

He only half listened to Commander Bailey explain about scaring off the Cerberus assholes who apparently made their escape into the Keeper tunnels. So she wasn't lying, but that wasn't what was important at the moment. John's cheeks were starting to pale and his eyes were getting heavy. They needed to get him to a hospital ASAP.

"You've gotta stay awake, baby," Kaidan said softly. He turned to the crowd who seemed to have forgotten that a Spectre was about to bleed out and yelled, "I need some fucking help over here!!"

John's eyes had slid shut by the time he looked back at him. "JOHN! You have to wake up, love. Somebody push some more stims and epinephrine," he ordered. He couldn't risked removing his hands from the wound.

Garrus fell back down by his side to offer a hand as Bailey called in a medical team. He could feel Jane pacing behind him, but he was so fucking glad that she kept her mouth shut for once. She would've went flying over the railing if she hadn't.

It felt like they waited for a lifetime before a trauma team arrived even though it was only a few minutes. John kept ebbing in and out of consciousness, but Kaidan knew he needed blood and probably surgery in the very near future or things were going to turn grim really fast.

The medical team landed a few floors up. They carefully rolled him onto a stretcher and gave John an iv, a unit of blood, and inserted a chest tube before carrying him up to the skycar. Kaidan climbed in after and heard Garrus say they'd meet them there as the door shut behind them.

"K-kaidan?" John stammered, his cheeks regaining a bit of color after another unit of blood.

"I'm right here, sweetheart," he replied, squeezing John's bloodstained hand with his own as he bent over him. He ran the other hand over John's scalp, his thumb tracing the scar that intersected his hairline.

"You okay?"

He huffed out a laugh of disbelief. John was the one laying on a gurney this time, and he was asking if _he_ was okay? "Yeah, baby. Everything's going to be fine. The Council's safe and we're on our way to Huerta to get you patched up, okay?"

"L-love you."

"Love you, too," he said forcing a smile.

After the longest ride ever, they were pulling John out of the skycar on the landing pad at the hospital. Kaidan held his hand as they wheeled him through the doors into the trauma area where they started popping off his armor and hooking him up to monitors.

Kaidan's heart stopped when John's did, the hand in his going limp as the machines went berserk.

"He's crashing!" yelled one of the doctors.

"I'm sorry, but you need to step out now!" ordered a nurse.

He could only shake his head as his vision went cloudy.

"Sir, they need room to work. He's in good hands."

When he didn't reply, the Asari gently pushed him back until he was out of the room. The door closed and the seal turned an ominous red, like John's armor, like the blood on his hands. He was left standing there, his body trembling as tears flooded his eyes.

Somehow, he managed to stumble out into the waiting area. It was turned into triage and was filled to the brim with injured civilians and C-Sec officers, but he failed to notice. He made his way to an empty spot along a wall and leaned his back against it. That's when his body gave out, his feet sliding out from under him until he was sitting on the floor.

Completely spent, he buried his face in his hands and sobbed unconsolably until he was numb.


	30. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan waits for news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We start off in Liara's pov here because I wanted an outside view of Kaidan.

_I am the white dove for a soldier_   
_Ever marching as to war_   
_I would give my life to save you_   
_I stand guarding at your door_   
_I give you all that I am_   
**_-All That I Am, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

**Liara**

Being the Shadow Broker allowed Liara to have access to more information than any other being in the galaxy. She was used to knowing things, so when all Garrus told her when he commed was to get to Huerta Memorial ASAP, she had no idea what she'd be walking into.

Cerberus' attempt at taking control of the station had been thwarted, that much she knew. She also guessed someone had been hurt judging by the fact that she was heading to the hospital, and from the condition of the station she'd seen by hacking into the vidstreams, she knew it probably wasn't good.

She exited the elevator and was horrified by the scene she walked into. The waiting area was crammed full of individuals of every species receiving medical attention for varies injuries as doctors, nurses, and orderlies ran about in total chaos. She didn't want to imagine how terrible things were in the actual surgical wing, but she had a feeling she might find out soon.

The human female at the information desk was fielding what seemed to be a hundred different questions from worried loved ones hoping for updates on their friends and family when she made her way over. She wrung her hands nervously and went to stand at the back of the line.

As she surveyed the room, she sucked in a stuttered breath when her sky blue eyes landed on a familiar silhouette in dark blue armor. Kaidan had his forearms resting on his knees, fingers—hued a deep red—were steepled and shaking as he stared at them...or passed them.

Slowly, like one would approach a skittish animal, she made her way over to him. The closer she got, the worse he looked. He had blood smears on his armor and a streak just above his brow. His normally bright brown eyes were bloodshot and swollen, and she didn't need to be told that something had happened to John.

"Kaidan? Are you alright?" she asked softly as she kneeled down in front of him.

He looked at her with hollow eyes, almost as if he was in a daze. She gently touched his forearm hoping to break him out of his apparent stupor. "It should be me in there," he breathed out in a near whisper.

"I'm sure that's not true," she replied.

"It was my bullet to take. She was shooting at _me._ "

"Who was shooting at you?"

"Jane!" he thundered as he finally looked at her.

"Jane shot him?" she asked, her brow pulled tight in surprise. Kaidan buried his head in his hands as his shoulders began to heave. "I'm sure he's going to be fine. This is the best hospital on the Citadel."

"They kicked me out when his heart...his...when his heart...shit, when he crashed," came his muffled reply.

"By the Goddess," Liara lamented, her free hand raising to cover her mouth, the other tightening its grip on Kaidan's arm.

"Liara?" Garrus' soft timbre subvocals came from behind her. She squeezed Kaidan's arm and stood to greet him. James was beside him and Jane was a few paces behind them, head hung low, a solemn look on her face, and eyes in a similar state Kaidan's appeared to be in, dull and hollow.

"Garrus," she sighed in relief. She wanted to ask him what happened but thought better of it. John was more important right now than details. They would be revealed soon enough.

"Any news?" he asked.

"They...Kaidan said they kicked him out when he...crashed," she explained, wringing her hands again with worry. James and Garrus both muttered different curses to their gods in response.

"What happened?" Dr. Chakwas asked, coming up to join them along with Cortez and Joker.

"I fucking shot him, okay?" Jane yelled defensively. "I was trying to shoot Kaidan and the dumbass got in the way and I shot him! I was just doing my job! I....I didn't do anything wrong," she continued, her voice trailing off into uncertainty.

"I'll see what I can find out," the doctor said before walking away and leaving the others to stand there awkwardly.

Like everyone else, Liara wasn't exactly sure how to respond to the revelation that Jane was the one who put her brother in the hospital while aiming for Kaidan. It was unsettling, but surely she wouldn't've done something like that vindictively; she must've had a reason. And the fact that her and Kaidan were both still standing was a good sign.

Even so, when Jane walked closer to the Major, Liara tensed, as did Garrus. They wouldn't let anything happen to Kaidan while John was being attended to even if that meant standing up to a Spectre. Jane dropped to her knees next to him and hesitantly reached for his hands that had been interlocked on his knees before stopping midway through the action.

"I was...I was doing my job," she said quietly. "I had to stop Udina. You heard Bailey, right? Cerberus was coming and I had to...protect them. You get that, right? I didn't want...okay, maybe I've thought about it, but I'd never do it...not unless I had to, and I did because you had a gun on my too! Garrus'll tell you I was right. And James."

"Jane, just shut the fuck up right now...I can't...," Kaidan choked out.

Shepard nodded and sat down beside him with her back against the wall. She refused to look at anyone, instead she found an interesting spot of the ground to stare at and twiddled her thumbs.

"I'm going to find something to clean you up with," Liara said to Kaidan but he'd pretty much fell back into his earlier daze. "I'll be right back," she said as she turned to Garrus and squeezed his hand.

"I'll keep an eye on them," Garrus assure her.

She managed to snag a small rag from an orderly and returned to the small group. Kaidan was in the same state she'd left him causing her to send up a silent prayer for the Goddess to give him strength. Honestly, Jane didn't look any better, and Liara knew that she was probably being eaten alive by guilt, which she was having a hard time feeling sympathetic about.

She knelt down on the other side of Kaidan and tried to hand him the rag to wash his face. He turned and gave her a blank look when she said his name. Raising the rag to his face, she gently wiped off the blood smears on his forehead trying hard not to remind herself that it was John's. She cleaned his hands next and did the best she could with his armor before she took a seat beside him.

Shortly after, Dr. Chakwas came back with a brief update informing them that he was still in surgery, but she was going to see if they would allow her inside to keep an eye on him while he was under since she was technically his current doctor. When she didn't come back, they took that as a positive.

Liara wasn't sure how long they waited for another update. People were being rushed in and out as they were treated for everything from minor cuts and scrapes to bullet holes and who knew what else. The Presidium's night cycle was just getting started when Dr. Chakwas came out again.

"How is he?" Garrus asked, spotting her first.

Kaidan scrambled to his feet with Liara and Jane following his lead.

"He's going to be just fine. They were able to stop the bleeding and repair the damage. He's still out but he should be waking up shortly," she replied.

"When can I see him?" Kaidan asked, his eyes showing signs of life, of hope and relief, for the first time since Liara arrived.

"As soon as he wakes up, I'll come and get you, Major. I just wanted to deliver the update," she smiled.

"I'm going in first," Jane huffed.

"Like hell you are!" Kaidan snarled, baring his teeth. "You're the reason he's here!"

"I think we should let him decide," Dr. Chakwas interjected before they could argue any further.

"Thanks, Doc," Garrus said as everyone let out a collective breath.

"It shouldn't be too much longer," she replied before heading back inside.

 

**John**

John was disoriented when he was finally able to open his eyes. He'd been trying for what felt like hours to do so, but his lids felt like they had two ton weights attached to them. There were faces hovering above him that he couldn't quite focus on and machines beeping all around. His chest was sore, and he was pretty sure he was in a hospital.

"Captain Alenko," came a friendly voice, and he turned his head slightly to the right to find Dr. Chakwas smiling happily at him, her gentle eyes chasing away the slight panic that had started to well up inside him.

"Kaidan? W-where's Kaidan?" he rasped.

"He's waiting for you outside. I'll get him for you in just a few minutes. We're just cleaning you up some," she explained, holding up a straw to his lips so he could take a drink of water. "You gave us quite a scare. Do you remember what happened?"

"Yeah, my sister tried to kill my husband," he said dryly, both of humor and from his irritated throat which probably had a breathing tube down it not too long ago.

"I think it might be a little more complicated than that," Chakwas tried to sympathize.

"Yeah, my sister tried to shoot my husband and I pushed him out of the way."

"Not what I meant, Captain."

He huffed out a small laugh and winced when pain shot through his chest.

"Try to take it easy," Chakwas said, resting a hand on his forearm. "We can talk about it later, if you'd like."

"She was trying to protect the Council, wasn't she? Kaidan was, too. And once again they found themselves facing off for the same thing. Both of them think they're right and I end up paying for it...what am I supposed to do with them?"

"They're both stubborn, but they both love you. So, despite their differences, they have at least one thing in common," the doctor replied.

That wasn't exactly helpful. He had pretty much figured that out a long time ago. "Yes, but Kaidan's a helluva lot more reasonable...and is currently the only one who hasn't shot me," he quipped. "Can I see him now?"

Dr. Chakwas looked over at the Asari surgeon for an answer. "I'm done for the moment, but we'll keep a close eye on you, Captain. We managed to repair the damage, but you'll probably be tender for awhile. Do you have any questions?" the Asari asked.

"Can I see my husband now?"

She nodded her answer and Dr. Chakwas gave his arm another squeeze and flashed a smile. "I'll go get him," she said as she turned to leave.

"How bad was it, Doc?" he asked the surgeon.

"The bullet nicked a few arteries but luckily missed most of the vital ones. However, you bled into your chest cavity and your heart and lungs had trouble expanding because of the fluid. We were able to stop the bleeding and relieve the pressure. There shouldn't be any lasting damage, but we'll keep you a few days for observation."

Just what he needed, another stay in the hospital. He wondered if he was in the same room Kaidan had been in. It looked the same but all the rooms probably looked the same. He noticed a few more familiar faces, a few of the nurses had seen to Kaidan, and they smiled and wished him well as they slowly filed out of the room.

But all he could think about was Kaidan. His heart would've went out to him if he hadn't had all of it already. Things were a blur in regards to what happened after he got shot, but he knew his husband was probably a mess of worry and fear. He would've been, _was_ after the Mars incident. It was hard standing over a hospital bed feeling helpless, but he'd try to be as good of a patient as Kaidan was.

He could only wonder how Jane was taking things. Dr. Chakwas hadn't mentioned Kaidan killing her, so he took that as good news. He suspected that she'd be upset that he was hurt but also angry because he messed up her plan to shoot Kaidan. Although, it probably wasn't a plan in the traditional sense, more like an opportunity presenting itself.

"John," Kaidan said, his voice uncertain and wary, as he entered the room and made his way to the bed. His obviously bloodshot eyes were bright red as they pooled with fresh tears, and all John wanted to do was hold him close and never let him go, but he doubted he could do that at the moment with all the wires and things he was hooked up to.

"I'm okay, baby," John reassured him, trying to give him his best crooked grin as he tried to ward off the grogginess from the anesthesia.

Kaidan carefully took his hand and interlaced their fingers. "That was really stupid of you," he said with a teary chuckle.

"I had to protect you, dear husband."

"Well, I wish you weren't so good at it," Kaidan said, leaning down to kiss his lips gingerly as his other hand softly caressed his velvety buzzed hair. "Told you you're gonna be just fine."

"Of course I am. You think I'd let Jane take me out? I'd never hear the end of it," John snickered, wincing again when his freshly repaired skin pulled a little.

"Are you in pain? Should I call the doctor?" the Major asked, his eyes growing wide with concern.

"No, just gotta stop laughing," he answered. "Love you."

"I love you more...John, I was so terrified...I don't know what I would've done if something happened to you, if you hadn't made it. I...I might've done something crazy. Hell, I still might. I want to punch her or something. And I know she was trying to do her job, to protect the Council, but so was I, and she pulled the trigger. I, I couldn't. I thought I could, but I just, I couldn't."

"I know. You have a big heart, which is why I married you, and I know she's still angry. When I saw her gun on you, I knew I had to get to you because I knew she was going to do it, to shoot you. And I couldn't let you die because my sister is crazy," he softly chuckled again, thankful the movement didn't pull this time.

John closed his eyes for a second and let himself get lost in the way Kaidan's fingers raked over his scalp, the sound of his husband's steady breath as it wafted over him, and the heat radiating from his body. Before he could help himself, he was lulled to sleep.

*****

 _"...You were the one who shot him, in case you forgot,"_ Kaidan whispered, his biting tone not lost with the lower volume of speech.

 _"I was aiming for you!"_ Jane quietly spat back.

_"Yes, but I didn't pull the trigger! Because I couldn't. You had no problem trying to kill me."_

_"I had no problem trying to save the Council. Shooting you would've been a bonus!"_

"Would you two shut up," John muttered as he opened his eyes. Waking up to his sister and husband fighting wasn't exactly ideal, but he supposed them actually "talking" to each other was a start. "I'm trying to recover here."

"Johnny, I, gods, I'm...I don't...," Jane stuttered.

"Baby, I'm sorry," Kaidan said at the same time, glaring at Jane as he took John's hand in his and rubbed his knuckles with his thumb, the comforting motion helping to ease the painful ache in John's chest.

He pulled his hand away so he could cup the side of Kaidan's neck, him leaning in as John guided their lips together for a sweet, emotionally charged kiss. He heard Jane scoff but really didn't care about her disapproval or any potential discomfort she may've been feeling at the moment. He just needed his lover's touch.

"You okay?" John whispered on his lips.

"Yeah," Kaidan sobbed, pulling back slightly to rest his forehead on John's. "Sorry," he sniffled before kissing him again, a little more heated and desperate, John's fingers burrowing in his hair to deepen the kiss.

"How are you feeling?" Kaidan asked when he finally broke away.

"Better," John smiled, wiping his husband's tears away with his thumbs. Those brown eyes were stronger than morphine, best painkillers in the galaxy. "Is the Council okay?"

"They're fine, minus the traitor Udina. Everything is back up and running...but things are still smoldering out there," the Major replied, looking back over his shoulder out the window. "Lots of structural damage but not too many casualties, more injuries than anything...It could've been a lot worse."

Jane was on the other side of the bed with her back to the door looking out as well, but John could tell she was keeping them in her periphery. They were both in their fatigues now. And while he wasn't sure what time it was, they must've been there waiting for him to wake up for awhile.

"So...are you gonna tell me why the hell I'm in this damn bed instead of fighting Reapers like I had planned?" John asked. Both Jane and Kaidan looked back at him after glowering at the other briefly.

They both started at the same time, talking over the other as they argued and explained their version of events. John instantly regretted asking them and wanted nothing else than to ask the doctors to put him into a medically induced coma for a few more hours.

"You should've trusted me, Kaidan. You used to," Jane said.

"You were right about Udina, but how could I trust you when we were holding each other at gunpoint after you'd threatened to kill me? Would you've trusted me, Shepard?" Kaidan countered.

"Yes!"

"That's bullshit because you didn't! I didn't have any sort of proof, no reason to trust you. How could I believe you after everything we've been through over the last year? After the threats and the fights?"

"You were supposed to give me the benefit of the doubt, Alenko. You were supposed to trust me because John trusts me!"

"And you were supposed to trust me for the same damn reason, Shepard! You should've lowered your gun and talked to me!" Kaidan countered. The room was quiet minus the heart rate monitor for several tense moments afterward until Kaidan spoke again, "We can't keep going on like this."

"Janie...how do we fix this?" John asked.

She finally made eye contact with him, her emerald eyes awash with guilt and still a decent amount of bitterness. "I...I'm sorry I shot you...," she let out a long suffering sigh and continued through gritted teeth, "And I'm sorry I didn't hesitate when I shot _at_ Kaidan...but I don't know how we fix things...."

"He's not going anywhere," John firmly replied. He and Kaidan both squeezed each other's hand. "He is my husband, and that's not going to change. You have to accept that. If you can't, I don't think we can fix this."

"I miss you, but I'm still pretty fucking angry about you keeping things from me and the whole fucked up situation," she replied.

"And I'm still pretty fucking angry about you shooting me."

"I said I was sorry!" she scowled.

"So have I! Multiple times! We both have. And I died, Jane," he bit back, "You did that!"

"I know, I was there," she dryly replied, sighing before continuing, "I don't want to fight anymore, Johnny. Not with you. I'm tried of having to pull the whole goddamn galaxy together by myself. I want you with me, maybe I need you with me, and if that means he's gonna be there too, on the Normandy, then we'll just have to find a way not to shoot at each other anymore."

"I think we'll need to sit down and talk through some things before we agree to anything," Kaidan said. He smiled softly down at John with those big sincere brown eyes, "But I'm willing to discuss it."

"Maybe later," John yawned, "I'm getting a little tired."

"I have some errands to run anyway, but I'll come back after lunch...I love you," Jane said.

"Love you, too, Janie."

She and Kaidan awkwardly nodded their goodbye's before Jane left.

"Are you sure you'd be okay back on the Normandy, Kaidan? After she had a gun on you?" John asked.

"Would you be okay with it after she put a bullet in you?" Kaidan asked back.

"Yes, but she's family," he huffed out with a gruff laugh.

"And she's my family now, too. I was well aware that you two are a packaged deal, but only if she agrees never to lay a hand on you again. I will not stand for that. I just need you to be safe," he reasoned.

"That's what I want for both of us, to _be_ safe...well, as safe as possible considering things out there."

"How could I not be with you by my side," Kaidan said followed by the raspy little laugh John loved so much. "Baby, we need peace. That's what we're fighting for, and we have to start somewhere. Just know that I'm willing to give it a try and that I'm never leaving you," he added, the shimmer in his eyes reflected back in John's.

"I'd never let you," John stated as he pulled him down for another kiss. Kaidan carefully climbed into the bed in a reversal of their last stay here. And they quickly dozed off in the comfort of each other's embrace, hoping it was the last hospital bed they'd have to share for a good long while.


	31. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John recovers and the couple receives visitors bringing unsettling news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very dialogue heavy, but hopefully it eases any fears you had about the last chapter and gives a little more insight into John and Kaidan's thought processes regarding Jane.

_I don't know if someone else could handle me_  
_I don't know what I'm supposed to be_  
_You're the only one who really sees_  
_You get me_  
**_-Our Song, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

When John was released from his medical hold, him and Kaidan made their way back to their apartment. Kaidan clung to him like a shadow fearing the darkness as they exited the elevator onto their floor, attached at the hip, both arms wrapped around his source of light with a vice grip, temples resting on each other's as they meandered to the door in step.

At this point, Kaidan couldn't tell who was holding who up. And it didn't matter.

They had both been pretty drained emotionally and physically by the last couple of days. Once they got inside, John pulled him to his chest and held him tight. Kaidan burrowed his face into his neck, his lips on his pulse point so he could feel every beat of his heart.

"I've got you, my love," John whispered in his hair, a hand raking upward from the base of his skull.

Kaidan couldn't help but laugh at that because he was sure it was supposed to be the other way around right now. He pulled back slightly with a sniffle and sought out his husband's lips. He just had to taste, to feel every part of him. It was sweet, chaste, and then John's hands were falling down his arms to his fingers as he vined them together.

"Sorry, baby," Kaidan said, letting John lead him to the stairs.

"Hey, no need for that. I remember the feeling, but I'm gonna be fine," John said. "What do you say we hop in the shower and wash the hospital off of us?"

"Are you sure you can handle a shower right now?" he asked, not wanting John to push things too hard, too quickly.

"Hot tub?" the Captain shrugged with a smirk.

"We're not having sex, just so you know."

John shot a fake glare his way as he went to pull his shirt off. He winced and Kaidan swooped in to help. "Not even a hand job?" John asked, blue eyes hopeful and sinfully irresistible.

"John, you had major surgery less than twenty hours ago."

"Yeah, and now I want a major hand job. Can I call you Major Hand Job? Major Job for short?" he chuckled.

Kaidan rolled his eyes and shook his head, "Only if you want me to divorce you," he said dryly, stripping off his clothes and helping John with the rest of his.

"That hurts, Major...Job, sir," John teased with a clumsy salute.

"I see the morphine hasn't completely worn off yet," Kaidan said under his breath.

"Thought you loved my warped sense of humor," he huffed.

"It's just...I just...."

What he needed was to hold John close and never let him go again, but that obviously wasn't an option. He knew John was brushing the whole thing off and trying to make light of it because that's what the man did, but that's not what Kaidan needed. He needed comfort and reassurance, just like John had needed after Mars.

The smirk dropped from John's face as he brought their now naked bodies together. "I know, dear husband."

Of course he did, they shared a brain.

They parted once again to slip into the tub determined to enjoy it because there was no telling when they'd be back. After relaxing for awhile and letting the heat cut through the tension from the last few days, they washed each other and toweled off. Liara would be there soon bringing lunch.

*****

Kaidan was surprised to see Garrus in Liara's place when he checked the vidscreen. "Hey, Garrus. Come on in," he greeted as the Turian walked through the door.

"Where's John?" he asked, his voice almost suspiciously low.

"He's upstairs getting dressed. Why? What's going on?" Kaidan warily asked.

"We've been having some...issues with Jane and...," he trailed off with a sigh before walking further into the apartment. "I'm beginning to worry. She's closed herself off after what happened on Tuchanka. She's shut most of us out...and now the crew is getting nervous after what happened to John."

"What do you mean 'nervous?'" Kaidan questioned.

"I'm fairly certain the crew is scared of her, and I don't blame them. If she could pull a gun on her brother-in-law, well, let's just say I've heard murmurs of dissent from just about everyone about that. And then there is her short temper, which no one is surprised about, but I've heard mention of a petition to Hackett to get John reinstated as CO."

"She's not going to go for that. And I'm not sure John will either," he shrugged. "What are your thoughts on her?" Kaidan asked curiously.

Garrus looked around to make sure John wasn't anywhere to be seen before whispering, "I don't know for sure...but I suspect that she killed Mordin."

Kaidan was momentarily struck speechless. Surely, that wasn't possible. "I...I, she wouldn't, would she?"

"Liara found something about a deal she made with the Salarian Dalatrass about sabotaging the Genophage cure. Mordin was the only one who would've figured out how to make it work, and he didn't make it back down from the Shroud. And there are no new babies on Tuchanka."

"Liara has proof of this?"

"Yes, the rest is speculation, but I was a damn good detective in my day," Garrus reminded him. "But there's something else which is the reason Liara isn't here at the moment. There...was an incident with Wrex earlier today and she's going over vid footage of him and Jane in an argument."

"Are they alright?" Kaidan asked, his heart thudding in his chest. Him and Wrex weren't exactly close, but Kaidan considered the Krogan a good friend. Shepard almost took him out once on Virmire, so it wouldn't be a stretch—

"He's dead," Garrus lamented.

"Oh gods," Kaidan gasped, his blood running cold with horror as he slumped down on the arm of the couch beside him.

"She may've killed Mordin, she definitely killed Wrex, and she tried to kill you. This...this looks bad, Kaidan," the Turian said, flexing his mandibles in a way that Kaidan learned indicated worry and distress. "If we start killing our friends, this war is going to get a helluva lot uglier."

"What are we supposed to do? She's a Spectre. They'll probably give her an a commendation for shooting me," Kaidan scoffed. "And the whole Krogan civilization may crumble."

"I don't know. That's why I'm here. How are you two doing with everything?"

"As good as can be expected considering I was almost shot. I'm not exactly surprised that she didn't back down, but I suppose I'd rather have her shooting at me head on than stabbing me in the back. Shit Garrus, I didn't think she'd actually do it, but now that I know she would, I won't be making the same mistake again.

"And I hate her for shooting John, but I'm afraid there isn't much I can do about it that won't push him away. Because John...," he sighed, "...he wants on the Normandy, he wants to help his sister, and I get that, I do. She's his only living relative, his only blood, and I hate feeling like I'm making him choose between the two of us.

"I'm just...just afraid to push too hard, y'know? But I think he's too forgiving when it comes to her. He's still trapped in the cycle of abuser and victim, of coming to her rescue every time she fucks up, making excuses for her destructive behavior. She apologizes and says the right things and he's right back where he started. I don't know what to do about it," Kaidan confessed.

"I didn't realize things were that bad between them, but I don't know what we can do about it," Garrus admitted. "I'm worried about him."

Kaidan was too, if he was being honest. His husband hadn't exactly processed what had happened to him yet. He was sure some of that was the drugs and trauma he suffered, but every time Kaidan tried to bring up the Jane situation or what happened, John would brush him off.

They hadn't talked about the incident or seen Jane since right after John woke up, and they probably weren't in the proper state of mind to deal with anything at the time. Hell, he didn't even remember half the conversation with Jane and she never came back to finish it. He had been running on fumes and waning adrenaline.

And now the business with Wrex and Mordin. Who was going to be next?

"Hey, Garrus!" John cheerfully called from the staircase. "Where's Liara?"

"She's tied up at the moment...John, there's...Wrex is dead," Garrus blurted out.

"What? What happened?" asked a concerned John as he made his way over to the two of them.

"Jane killed him," Garrus replied.

"Jane? That's not possible. She wouldn't," he said.

"There are vids showing otherwise."

"I'm sure she had a good reason then," John insisted.

"She was covering up the fact that she killed Mordin," Liara said from the door way. Her voice startled the three of them and they turned to watch her walk in.

"I don't believe you. She, Mordin? No, no she wouldn't do that!" John argued.

"John, I'm so sorry. You and Mordin were close, and I know she's your sister, but I have proof," Liara said, transferring a file on her omni-tool to the large screen in the living room. When the recording of Jane and Wrex's altercation was over, they all turned to look at John who was still shaking his head in disbelief.

"She had to have a reason," he said.

"She made a deal with the Salarian Dalatrass for Salarian support in the war effort. A deal that didn't need to be made. But now, she may very well have cost us additional Krogan support and any cooperation after the war is over if anyone else finds out," Liara reasoned.

"It's war, Liara, sacrifices have to be made," John countered.

"Good sacrifices that mean something! Not putting bullets in our friends, our FAMILY! That hole in your chest? The one that had Kaidan's name on it? Was that just another war-time sacrifice? What if she had killed him? Or you?"

"She didn't!" John insisted, raising his voice defiantly.

"But she could've. What if you had been a second too late?"

"I wasn't."

"Not this time, but what about the next?"

"There won't be a next time, Liara. She just made a mistake. People make mistakes," John yelled.

"John, you're in denial," Liara softly replied.

"Kaidan, tell her she just made a mistake!"

Kaidan looked into his husband's pleading blue eyes and his heart nearly broke. He stood from the couch and crossed the distance between them to cup John's cheeks.

"Baby, she almost took you away from me, and she knew what she was doing when she pulled the trigger. Maybe it's the stress or maybe she'll never forgive me for 'stealing' you away as she likes to say—I know I'll never forgive her for shooting you—but I don't think she can be trusted. Not right now," Kaidan explained.

"John, she's unstable," Garrus added. "She's under a lot of pressure and that can make even the best of the best break every now and then."

"She's my sister," John rasped. "She's not capable of murder. She's a Spectre and an N7. We don't just go around killing whoever we feel like."

"I know, sweetheart, but Jane is...she's, she may be cracking under the pressure. And I know you love her, John, but sometimes that's not enough to help someone when they're self-destructing," Kaidan said, pulling him into a hug. It felt like John deflated against him as he hesitantly raised his arms to return the embrace.

"Most of the crew want you back as Captain," Garrus said.

"I think that might be a very bad idea," Liara interjected. "If we take away the one thing she feels like she has control over, who knows how she'll react."

"I think one of us should be on the ground team with her at all times," Kaidan said.

"You are not to be alone with her, Kaidan," Liara quickly asserted.

"She's not going to hurt him," John replied defensively.

"She already proved that she would!"

"Why do you insist on making her out to be the bad guy here?" he hissed.

"Why are you defending her actions? What about what's right. What about Kaidan? By the Goddess, John, she tried to kill your husband! How can you be so calm about that?" Liara asked.

"Because she's all I have!" John bit back.

"That's what you think?" Kaidan quietly asked, pulling away.

"No, baby, I didn't mean it like that," he said, closing the divide forming between them. Then, it was his turn to cup Kaidan's cheeks.

"How did you mean it?"

"It's just that I'm all she has," John sighed.

"That's not true," Liara said.

John looked at her and shrugged pitifully before turning back to Kaidan. "That's how she feels. I know because that's how I used to feel...before I met you. But now she doesn't have a you to keep her sane anymore. I do and I am so fucking lucky for that, but I can't just forget that _I_ took that from her, stole you away."

"That's not what happened, baby," Kaidan sniffled, his eyes filling with tears desperately wanting to fall, but he forced them back.

"But you two would probably be happy right now saving the galaxy side by side if it wasn't for me," John said, a single tear falling down his cheek. "Maybe the only way a Shepard can lead this war is with an Alenko by their side."

"I thought I loved her, John, I did, but when I met you, I knew that whatever it was that I'd felt for her or anyone else before her was nothing but puppy love, not even a blip on the radar compared to how I feel about you. You may've stolen me, but I stole you right back. And neither of us should feel guilt for falling in love. Regardless of our relationship, her mistakes are not on you or us or anyone but her."

"But what am I supposed to do without her?" John asked.

"What were you going to do without me?" Kaidan whispered. He could feel the prickling of tears welling up in his eyes again. Or maybe those were John's he was seeing; he couldn't be sure. John ran his hands though Kaidan's hair as they settle into a tight embrace.

There were several moments of quiet before John whispered into his ear, "I'm sorry, Kaidan...I just don't want to believe this is who she is now."

"John, this is who she's always been. You just couldn't see it. Maybe you just didn't want too. And that's okay, but honey, it's time to face facts here," Kaidan replied, pulling back.

"Tell me what to do," he conceded, voice meek as it shattered Kaidan's heart to pieces.

"Well," the Major sighed, "...we continue our assignment. We 'infiltrate' the Normandy and keep an eye on her. I also think I should probably accept that Spectre appointment and we should bring Hackett and Anderson in on this."

"I agree with Kaidan. However, the specifics of the Mordin and Wrex situation should probably stay between the four of us," Liara suggested.

"How long till the Normandy ships out?" John asked.

"Two hours," Garrus replied.

"We should pack then," John said to Kaidan.

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed, discretely wiping the tears away from the corner of his eyes.

Liara went back to the ship to do whatever it was the Shadow Broker did soon after and Garrus stayed to fill them in on their next destination and various other information about the frustrations of the crew while they packed. John just listened almost listlessly as he went through the motions of filling his duffle. A half hour later, they said a nerdy goodbye to all their fish and set out to the Normandy.

*****

The Alenko's received a warm welcome from everyone the minute they stepped foot on the ship. EDI and Joker were the first to greet them from the cockpit, and even though he'd been warned about EDI's mobile platform, it was still a bit of a shock to Kaidan.

Traynor was up next. She threw her arms around them both as she rambled on about what they've missed in the past mouth or so that they had been away. "I can't believe Jane actually shot you," she whispered before pulling back.

"It's been a rough war for us so far," John chuckled. "We're supposed to be fighting Reapers, and so far, we've only danced with Cerberus."

"And Jane," Kaidan quietly reminded him.

"Don't worry, I promised I'd save you some," Garrus smirked as he strolled by them on his way to the war room.

"Thanks for that," John replied.

"We'll be in the lounge settling in," Kaidan said, leading John towards the elevator. "Liara said no one uses it much and didn't think anyone would mind giving us our space."

When they got to the Starboard lounge, the task of leaving it turned out to be rather difficult due to the revolving door of guests all clamoring for the chance to welcome them back. Dr. Chakwas was first as she made sure to remind John to report to the med-bay for a full workup when he was able.

James and Cortez were next—walking a little closer together than Kaidan had noticed before—followed by just about everyone from engineering. Liara came a little while later checking to make sure they had everything they needed for the time being.

"I hear you've decided to join me, Johnny," Jane said as she walked in. She was the last one to meet with them after having been off the ship filling out reports for Commander Bailey about Wrex's death.

Kaidan set his jaw and tried to remain civil and stoic, but the news he had received the past few hours was making it rather difficult not to just space her and claim his newly appointed Spectre authority. The only thing stopping him was John's hand on his knee. And just barely.

"We've decided that we'd like back on the Normandy," John started. "Hackett's already approved it, but we have some conditions."

"What the hell does that mean?" she bristled.

"First off, if you ever lay a hand on him again, I will reave you," Kaidan darkly replied.

"You don't know what you're talking about, Kaidan," she sneered. He couldn't decide if the fact that she was back to using his first name was scary or a sign of progress.

"He's seen every scar, Janie. Would you like to see your latest handiwork?" John sarcastically asked, pulling up his shirt to show the fresh scar tissue underneath. She rolled her eyes and looked away. Kaidan was pretty sure it was because she didn't want to be reminded of what she'd done.

"Is that all?" she asked with a bored tone.

"Well, we've already claimed this room as our own and we won't be going on the ground missions without the other. You send us both or take us both, but Kaidan won't be going anywhere with you alone," John answered

"That's my call to make."

"No, it's not. I do not trust you with my husband. You want to earn that trust, then fine, otherwise, you stay away from him," he warned.

Jane huffed out an incredulous laugh. "Fine...do you both agree to follow my orders?"

"Within reason. We're all Spectres here, and I'd like to think we can act like adults for a change," Kaidan replied.

"They made you a Spectre after you almost got the Council killed?" she chided.

 _So much for being adults,_ he thought. "It's good to know that almost killing your brother hasn't change you, Shepard," Kaidan snapped back. All he could think about was how he was already dreading being locked on a ship with her, even if it was to keep her from murdering anymore of their friends.

"Welcome aboard," she muttered as he turned to leave.

After the door slid shut, Kaidan took a few calming breaths as John rubbed circles on his back. "See, that wasn't so bad," John said.

Kaidan scoffed and stood from the couch. He went over to his bag and pulled out two meatloaf sandwiches that he packed from home. Sitting back down next to John, he handed him one. They both ripped open the package on what was going to be their last home cooked meal for a while and dug in.

"My husband is amazing," John cooed through a mouth full of bread and meat as he leaned over on the couch and kissed Kaidan right on the corner of his mouth.

"Did I have sauce on my face?" he teasingly asked.

"Yep," John grinned wide.

"I love you," Kaidan smiled, his free hand raising to curl around the back of John's neck.

"Love you more," he replied, leaning into him as they enjoyed their meal.

"I was rethinking that Major Hand Job title. I'm okay with it...as long as you're okay with me calling you Captain Cocksucker," Kaidan challenged mischievously.

"Oh baby, I am so _down_ with that," John winked. "But let's finish lunch first before we christen our new home."

"Everything's going to work out, right?" Kaidan uneasily asked, turning his head to look at John straight on.

"Yeah, sweetheart. Everything is going to be just fine. We're going to win the war and then have us a kickass party to celebrate, maybe take us a nice long vacation," John said, with a small smile.

Kaidan took another bite of his sandwich as he sent up a silent pray to all the gods who would listen for his husband to be right. But he feared that they had a long way to go to get to 'fine'.


	32. Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Jane have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is once again pretty dialogue heavy, but I think it needed to be done. Enjoy!
> 
> **Warning for brief mentions of past suicidal thoughts.

_And when the hour is upon us and our beauty surely gone_  
_No, you will not be forgotten and you will not be alone_  
_No, you will not be alone_  
**_-Now Comes the Night, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

**John**

The trip to rendezvous with the Migrant Fleet was thankfully uneventful. Kaidan and John did their best to stay out of Jane's way which turned out to be a lot easier than they had anticipated. Garrus hadn't exaggerated when he said Jane had closed herself off to everyone.

John had attempted to engage her in some sort of conversation about the tension between the three of them but she shut him down. Liara had suggested that he start smaller, and that seemed to be working a little better. They were able to have a short conversation about her hamster that went smoothly. Baby steps.

But she spent most of her time in her cabin going over reports and briefings when she wasn't needed in the war room or around the ship. She only allowed Allers in for interviews and Traynor in for a chess match every so often.

The dissent among the crew had settled down with the addition of two more Spectres, which probably helped boost morale a little bit. John tried his best not to step on her toes in regards to crew issues. He'd always been the more approachable one, but he made a point not to undermine her authority unless it was absolutely necessary. Lucky, no major problems had occurred in the days since they boarded.

They both made sure to watch what they said about Jane and her leadership skills around the rest of the crew out of respect. Neither wanted to add anymore fuel to the fire, enough worlds were burning as it was.

Regardless, John had a compulsion to confront her about what had happened with Mordin and Wrex. It was eating away at his conscience. His sister had killed them both, but there were always two sides to every story and he needed to hear hers, even though he had a pretty good idea that he wasn't going to like it.

"Hey, EDI?" John asked, from the couch of the SO he and Kaidan had overtaken.

"Yes, Jonathan?" replied the AI.

"Where is Jane right now?"

"In her cabin. Do you wish for me to relay a message?"

"No, that's alright," he said putting down the datapad he had been looking over while Kaidan was taking a shower. He ran his hands over his face then stood up. Traynor said Jane had been in a good mood during their chess match earlier that day, so he thought he'd try his luck.

He rode up the elevator to her cabin and stepped off. Her door was locked, which didn't surprise him, but instead of asking for permission to enter through the comms, he stood there staring at the red seal. What was he supposed to say to her?

A few minutes passed before the seal suddenly turned green. "Are you going to stand out there all night?" Jane's voice rang in his ear.

He took a deep breath and moved through the door, the swoosh doing nothing but heighten his nerves. There was no point beating around the bush with this. "I think it's time we had a heart to heart," he said, jogging down the steps to join her in the sitting area.

He hadn't been back in the cabin since Mars. The fish tank was empty but the blue lights were soothing on their own. Datapads were littered everywhere as were a few empty beer bottles and a half-full bottle of brandy. She picked that up from Anderson, he preferred whiskey.

"Haven't you figured out by now that I don't have a heart?" she glared at him before turning her attention on refilling her glass. She held the tumbler out to him and he gladly took it, downing the contents and grimacing from the burn. He handed back the empty glass and she refilled it before taking her turn swallowing down the honey brown liquid.

"You are always saying that I got both hearts and you got both brains," he reminded her. John moved a few datapads around on the coffee table and sat down on it in front of her.

"That's what mom used to say."

"Yeah, I remember," he said, smiling fondly at the memory.

His revery was broken by a chime on his omni-tool.

_[Kaidan]: What the hell are you doing up there?_

[John]: I'll be fine. We're just going to talk.

_[Kaidan]: You waited till I got in the shower to sneak off!_

[John]: Baby, I didn't sneak off. I was waiting till she got up here. Don't worry, I'll be done soon and we'll have dinner.

_[Kaidan]: I'm coming up._

"Did you want to talk or can I get back to work?" Jane grumbled.

"Yeah, just give me one second," John replied.

[John]: No, K. We need to talk alone. Have EDI monitor me if you're worried. Promise I'll be down asap.

_[Kaidan]: Alright...but I'm mad at you for not telling me. Sneaky bastard!_

[John]: Love you too!

"Sorry," he apologized, shutting down his omni-tool.

"What'd I do now?" she groaned in annoyance.

He swallowed but managed to find his voice enough to croak out a strained "Mordin."

Her jaw clenched at the mention of the Salarian's name. He hoped she wouldn't bother with feeding him a lie. It was pretty damn obvious that she knew he'd found out what really happened on Tuchanka from the way her shoulders stiffened and her face turned to stone.

"I offered him the chance to walk away," Jane bit out harshly.

"Did you shoot him in the back or were you looking in his eyes when you pulled the trigger?"

"You weren't there, you don't know. I gave him an out, I did, but he refused! What was I supposed to do? I saw an alliance slipping through my fingers and I made a tough call. I'm a Spectre and sometimes those have to be made, sacrifices, for the bigger picture!" she growled defensively.

"And what about Wrex? Janie, you murdered two innocent people, two people who were supposed to be your allies, your friends for Spirits' sake! And for what? No gain whatsoever. How c—, how could you do that?" he asked, shaking his head in disapproval.

"It wasn't murder, it's war! I needed the Salarian support, and I did what I had to to get it. How was I supposed to know he would suddenly grow a conscience and refused to play along? Or that the Salarians would get their act together? And Wrex was self-defense. He came after me!"

"Can you blame him? You condemned his whole race to extinction!" John fired back.

"That is on the Turians and Salarians! Not me!"

"It is on you! You're just as responsible as they are now! There is no wiggle room here, Jane. None what so ever. You can be tried with war crimes for this! Hunted down by every Krogan still alive assuming the Reapers don't get you first."

"It's war, John. There are casualties. The Krogan are no worse off than they were before the war began, and I didn't invent the Genophage," Jane reasoned.

"No, you just killed the one person who could've cured it."

"Do you think I wanted to kill him, them? Do you think I wanted to shoot you?"

"No...no, I honestly don't. Just Kaidan," he bitterly replied.

There was a long moment of silence, before she spoke again, her eyes drifting down to the emblem of his N7 hoodie. "I...hate him," she admitted in a low, tired voice.

" _I_ love him," John said through gritted teeth, his tone loud and sure and in complete contrast to hers.

"You know I wouldn't've shot at him if I thought there had been another way!"

"No, I really don't...not right now, not after everything that's happened. But I do know that you don't hate him, not really. You just hate the idea of him, of something taking your place beside me, of me loving someone else. And I know that scares you because you don't think I love you anymore, but you're so wrong about that.

"I should be so angry at you for shooting me, but I'm just too tired to be, too tired of this pattern we've been stuck in our whole lives. I'm used to taking your shit, fixing your mistakes, hell I should've expected you'd shoot me someday," he said with a dry laugh, "That, I know how to do, but I can't forgive you for pulling the trigger with him in your crosshairs. Maybe one day, but not today."

"You would've gotten over him," she said under her breath.

"No, Janie!" he shouted, his hands balling into fists on his knees. "Spirits, how come you can't understand this? He goes, I go."

"You used to say that about us...Did...did you even mourn me when I died?" Jane asked, her brow furrowed and eyes narrowed in on him with an intense gaze.

"I know I did, and of course I mourned you. How could you even ask me that? I did, so much so that I almost went through with it, too! Several times, I had a muzzle to my head thinking about how you left me, how so alone I truly was. And I-I tried...but I, I guess I just wasn't strong enough to pull the trigger," he woefully replied.

"I know right now that you think you're alone, but you're not, I _was._ It was like I lost a limb when you died, like I had suffocated right along with you, like I had died inside. So don't you dare accuse me of not mourning you!" he thundered, trying desperately to hold back the horrible memories threatening to flood his mind. "Two years, Janie...what would you've done if you came back and I was gone?"

"Would've made the Illusive Man bring you back, too," she replied softly.

John scoffed and turned his head, looking away briefly before looking back at Jane. "And what if you don't come back from this? What am I supposed to do then? How am I supposed to mourn you twice when the first time almost fucking killed me?" he choked out.

"I might not. It's war and I'm prepared to go down fighting just like every other solider out there. Because we can't fail!"

"We won't fail," John said, shaking his head. "We won't. But you can't kill anymore innocent people. No more allies. No more recklessness. No more names are going up on that wall out there!"

She nodded, tears glistening in remorseful emerald eyes. "I screwed up," she whispered. And all of the sudden, she looked so small, so vulnerable, so much like she did when they were children. John moved off the coffee table to sit beside her, pulling her into his arms as she began to sob against his chest.

"Yeah...you did," he said softly, a hand stroking through her fiery hair, the other rubbing circles on her back. "You can't bring them back, but you can find a way to make it right, make it up to them, to their memories. But I can't help you if you won't let me or us: Garrus, Liara, the rest of the crew."

"Yeah right...I know they all hate me," she muttered into his shirt.

"Well, you did shoot your own brother. That tends to freak people out," he barked out a sardonic laugh. "Garrus, Liara, Kaidan, they're all on your side, too."

"Why him? Of all the men in the galaxy, why'd you have to fall for him?"

"Would it really have made a difference who it was? You think you'd feel differently if it had been anyone else?"

"I don't know...," she said with a sniffle.

"I don't know why it was him. I knew who he was before we met. I knew everything about him because I had to make sure he was good enough for you. Then, I watched him after you died. I wanted to keep an eye on him for you, keep him safe because I thought you loved him."

"I thought I...I wanted to...but I've only ever loved you. After Mindoir, after everything, I only ever had you. And now I don't," she said pulling away.

"You'll always have me. We're family, but I can only be there for you if you stop pushing me away...we've had a hard life, and we got a lot of scars and we've spilt a lot of blood. But Kaidan...he's healing mine, healing me, and I need that, I need him. And you need to find someone or something that can do the same for you because I don't like were you'll end up if you don't," he sighed.

They sat in silence for awhile after that, shoulder pressed to shoulder. The fish tank bubbling in the background and the soft hum of the ship provided a calming ambiance to the slowly dissolving tensions that had built up between them.

He didn't know what else to say to her at that point. She was stubborn, but maybe she had gotten things off her chest that needed to be said. When it boiled down to it, she was just scared, of being alone, being left behind, being left out. He would try to be as supportive as he could. They'd figure everything else out after the Reapers were destroyed.

He'd said what he needed to about Mordin and Wrex. He wasn't sure he could ever forgive her for taking the lives of their friends, but he couldn't turn her in, not when they needed Krogan and Salarian support alike for the war effort. Not when the galaxy needed her. They'd figure out a way to make it right. He'd make sure of it.

But he needed Jane to understand him and Kaidan, needed them to be able to be in the same room without insults and threats being thrown for his own peace of mind. He knew Kaidan felt like he was standing in between them, and he didn't like that. He didn't want his husband carrying that kind of weight on his shoulders.

Him and Jane had always had a rocky relationship. Kaidan was just the latest point of contention. But he knew it wasn't about Kaidan so much as it was about Jane's fears. He hoped being close to her would help with that and help stabilize her in general. She was careening off the rails and he had to get her back on track. That's what he did, that's what he'd always done, and that's what he'd do now.

"Y'know, the first time I saw Kaidan...it was a few days before your memorial service on the Citadel and he was wasted in a bar. You know how impressive that is for a biotic. Anyway...I'm sure he doesn't remember, but I called him a skycab and sent Liara a message to make sure he got home safe.

"I'd seen pictures and vids of him before, but when I saw him in person, up close, even as disheveled and a complete mess that he was...I don't know, Janie, I just knew, which was exactly why I tried to stay away. It worked, too. Mostly. Until you came back. Hackett wanted me to join you with Cerberus and I made him bring Kaidan in on it because I thought you'd want him back, thought he'd want you back.

"I just didn't anticipate that he'd love me, too. Why would he when he had you? You gotta know that, right? I didn't plan it, I didn't choose him, and I don't love you any less than I did before him. You're the only constant I've ever had in my whole life, and yeah, you can be a real bitch sometimes—"

"Fuck you," she scoffed.

"But," he said pulling her back against him as he let out a teasing laugh, "...but I'll always love you and I'll _always_ be here for you. Kaidan hasn't changed that. No one could ever change that. I have two hearts and that means I have one for each of you."

"I think that was the lamest thing you've ever said," Jane dryly said.

"I thought it was pretty good," he smugly replied.

"No, I think that might actually be worse than that Scarecrow crap you go on and on about."

"Hey! You're the one who said you have my brain," he chuckled. "I know things with you two aren't going to magically go back to how it was before, but I would like it if you tried to get along with him. You're stuck with each other, we're all stuck with each other. That's what happens when you're family. As fucked up as ours is, it's all we've got, Janie."

"I won't...shoot at him again," she conceded.

"I suppose that's a start...why don't you come down and eat with me and the rest of the crew? It'll be good for them to see us putting up a united front," John suggested.

"Why'd you come back aboard? I killed you," she perplexing asked.

"Because you need me. And maybe I need you. So stop screwing things up and save the fucking galaxy already. Our problems can wait," he said as he stood.

"What if I can't do this?" Jane quietly asked. Her eyes were downcast when he turned to face her and she was picking at something on her BDU's.

"You don't have a choice. But you don't have to do it alone...let's go, I'm hungry," John said, heading for the door. He got on the elevator and waited a minute or two before she slowly walked on, dragging her feet. She flashed him a scowl as the doors closed and he just shrugged back.

They stepped out on the crew deck and started for the mess. Kaidan was fixing himself a cup of tea and talking to Garrus when the Turian greeting them. "I see the Shepard twins will be joining us for dinner this evening."

Kaidan spun around and John shot a reassuring wink his way. He handed John the mug he had prepared and turned around to start on another one for himself. "Shepard...would you like some tea?" Kaidan asked over his shoulder, his voice and expression neutral, but John was so proud of him.

"No...just going to grab some coffee," she stiffly replied. Garrus moved out of the way so she could grab a mug, glancing briefly at John a little apprehensively. John gave him a reassuring nod and they all went to get a tray of food before settling around the table.

The first several minutes were mostly spent in awkward silence until James and Samantha joined them. James starting going on and on about his abuela's cooking and promised to show them all how real food was supposed to taste someday. Jane teased him about moving him to mess duty from the marine detail and the tension somewhat lifted.

Kaidan spent the entire meal with his thigh plastered against John's under the table. They resisted any other displays of affection so as not to make Jane uncomfortable; they needed to take things slow going forward. John knew better than to think one nice meal was enough to settle the matter between them, but he was going to count the evening as a win.

"So that didn't go horribly," Kaidan said as they walked to their room after dinner.

"Baby steps, my love," John said, draping his arm over his husband's shoulder. Kaidan wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him close. "It's just the third day, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Everyone is being civil at the moment and I'd like to revel in that for awhile."

"It was nice, huh?" the Major replied, "Considering...."

They both plopped down on the couch when they got to the SO, content to watch the stars go by as they sat in comfortable silence. John laid his head on Kaidan's shoulder as they cuddled together. After an emotionally charged evening with Jane, he was glad he had such a supportive partner to ground him.

They'd all had a pretty good day overall. He could only hope there would be more of them going forward.


	33. Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan likes it when John wakes him; Kaidan gets bad news; old friends come aboard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Enjoy!

_Tonight_  
_Looking back on all this life_  
_It's funny how the time goes by_  
_And how, sometimes_  
_It slides away_  
**_-I Will, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**Kaidan**

Kaidan wasn't sure which way he preferred to wake: with a calloused hand stroking his morning erection and a tongue lapping at his lips or with his husband's perfect mouth stretched over his cock. Good thing he didn't have to choose, and an even better thing that they had their own room.

This morning it was the latter.

He woke up with a moan catching in the back of his throat when a warm, wet tongue gingerly swirled around the tip of his cock, a pearly bead of precum weeping from the slit. He looked down to find brilliantly blue eyes twinkling up at him, the corners of John's mouth curved into a smile.

"Morning," Kaidan smiled back, his voice sounding like sandpaper in his ears. John gave a few flicks along the rim of the sensitive head of his penis before pulling back slightly and making a show of licking his lips.

"I know how much you hate it when I don't wake you," he replied with a smoldering smirk. He stuck out his tongue and sensually licked a strip from the root of Kaidan's shaft to the tip, eyes blistering as he gathered the precum that had accumulating from his arousal.

There was no doubt in his mind that Kaidan had the hottest husband in the whole damn galaxy. "You're so fucking sexy, baby," Kaidan praised, scraping blunt nails over the fuzz on John's head.

John gave a small chuckle and lowered his lips slowly over the crown of his cock, sucking gently as his tongue flitted feather-light against all those delicious nerve endings. The man was baiting him, winding him up, wanting him to beg for it, and he knew he would...eventually.

Kaidan let out a whiny moan, his hips surging upward desperate for more of that sensational heat, but John had anticipated his move and bathed his body in biotic blue with a small stasis field. That just made him grunt in frustration. "Biotics are cheating, John," he admonished.

"Tsk, tsk, sweetheart. You cheated first," John singsonged, leisurely teasing his girth with deft fingers.

"I am _not_ calling you Captain Cocksucker," Kaidan adamantly protested.

John tilted his head down a tiny bit and gave another wet lick along his cock. "No?" he innocently asked, looking up at Kaidan through his thick, dark lashes.

"No," he replied, but even he wasn't convinced by the word, the waver clear in his tone.

John bit his bottom lip before dragging his tongue around the head of his cock once more then blowing on the saliva left behind. Kaidan's whole body buzzed with electricity like John had hit him with an overload. "I suppose we should get dressed then," John sighed dramatically.

He went to get up, but Kaidan threw out his own stasis. The younger man let out a warm chuckle when he was frozen in place, the rumble from his chest felt against Kaidan's bare thighs. John looked up at him expectantly with a saccharine smile, the warmth melting away every last bit of his resolve.

"Please," Kaidan rasped, hoping it plus his best puppy dog eyes would be enough.

They both dropped their stasis fields and John's smile softened. He slowly started working his lips down Kaidan's cock with bobs and suction and swirls of his tongue combined with the most obscenely erotic slurping noises Kaidan had ever heard.

He had the best view in the galaxy looking down at his husband with hollowed out cheeks as he watched his cock disappear inside him. "Oh fuck...you feel so good, John," Kaidan purred.

John cupped his balls with one hand, rolling them in his palm, thumb teasing at the delicate skin between them, and stroked the base bringing Kaidan so close to the edge he could taste it. But that was the moment Joker decided to interrupt.

 _"Hey Alenkos, Shepard wants you in the war room. The Quarians are about to board,"_ he relaid.

"Okay, Joker," Kaidan breathed, John not easing up, a smirk somewhat visible on his taut lips. And Kaidan was too close to his release to make him stop.

 _"Awe, did I cut into your beauty sleep, Major?"_ Joker dryly quipped.

"Not...exactly," he panted.

_"EDI said you're exercising. You know we have a gym in the hanger, right?"_

That was the code word they had told EDI to use when they were getting intimate before John relinquished command. Most people had figured out what she meant by that, but Kaidan didn't have the mind to distinguish between Joker being dense verses him being an ass.

"Cut the comms, Joker," Kaidan managed to spit out.

_"Well someone woke up on the wrong side of the couch this morning...speaking of, where's John?"_

Kaidan didn't get a chance to respond to that because John gave a good squeeze on his balls and sucked him all the way down his throat, and that was it, he was done, unloading hot come into his husband's mouth as Joker listened in.

"Hungh, oh gods, John!" he cried out in ecstasy.

 _"Oh fu—"_ the helmsman yelled in panic as the comms were finally cut.

So dense it was.

John brought him through his orgasm and slowly pulled back with a deep chuckle. "That oughta teach him," he snickered.

"You could've stopped, y'know," Kaidan said.

"You could've stopped me, y'know," John replied.

"Babe, your lips were around my cock. Me stopping you was not an option."

"I'll give you that," John smirked as he worked a twisted path of kisses up Kaidan's shivering body, over his abs, passed his peck, along the column of his throat, and onto his lips, a deep kiss capping off their morning greeting.

 _"Jonathan, Kaidan,"_ EDI's voice rang out, _"Joker has asked me to relay that the Quarians will be boarding in fifteen minutes and that your presence has been requested on the bridge."_

"Thanks, EDI. We'll be right up," John said, forcing them to untangle their limbs and finally get up. "You get the coffees I'll get the rations?"

"Sounds good," Kaidan agreed as they made their way to their footlockers that were stashed in the corner. They quickly dressed and were able to sit down for two minutes to eat before Jane commed John to join her in the war room. John kissed him 'goodbye' and went on his way.

Kaidan went back to their room to keep himself busy with Spectre reports. There wasn't much to be done since he hadn't exactly had any assignments. Most of it was paperwork on what had happened during the Coup that he was still filling out.

John messaged him a few times. They were mostly little love notes, but one informed him that Tali was one of the Quarian admirals that came aboard. That had scuttlebutt going crazy with speculation. Him and Liara had lunch with James and Cortez whom they both agreed were an unofficial couple now by their body language. He was happy they had each other.

After lunch, he went down to engineering for a little while. He liked to have something to do with his hands that didn't involve holding a datapad. The engineers didn't really need any help, but they seemed to like it when he visited and always found something for him to do.

He thought about going up to the war room later on to see how the meeting was going, but he still wasn't sure about being that close to Jane. The tension between them appeared to lessen after her and John's talk, but he didn't want to push his luck.

That, plus he was still kind of angry at her about everything. Every once in awhile, he'd envision punching her in the face, but he wasn't that kind of man. She'd just end up punching him back, nothing would be resolved, and it would end up hurting John more than either of them.

He had made it back to the SO right before dinner where a blinking datapad was waiting for him on the couch. An urgent message was nothing new these days, but for some reason, the way the orange light was flashing at him so steadily sent his stomach lurching violently into his throat.

He sat down on the couch and picked up the pad, holding it tight as he took a minute to stare out into the stars, bracing himself because he knew, he just knew, it was bad news. With a deep breath, he opened his messages.

 

 _\------------------_  
To: Maj Kaidan Alenko, SSV Normandy  
From: Margaret Alenko, location redacted  
Rerouted via RDML David Anderson

_My dearest boy,_

_I hope this letter finds you and John well. Things around here are...grim, to say the least, but we're holding out hope the best we can. I won't waste precious time and resources complaining about the little things. What's important is that the human spirit is still alive on Earth and I am doing my part to keep it that way._

_I'm sorry I must do this in a letter, but the reason I am writing concerns your father. The last time I heard from him, he was still a little south of Vancouver, but this morning, I received word that the company he was with has now been listed as MIA._

_I will continue to hold out hope that my two boys (my three boys now) will return to me when this war is over, but I've been a soldier's wife for too long not to know what the update implies. He's presumed...well, I can't even write it out, but I'm sure you'll understand._

_I don't want to burden you with this, and I don't want you to worry about me. I'm not the only spouse dealing with uncertainty and adversity in these hard times. That is what amazes me the most about humanity, our ability to empathize, to carry each other through the toughest of days, and I'm lucky that I have some rather remarkable people around me who offer so much support._

_I hope you have that too, but I'm sure you do with John. He's an amazing man to have captured your heart and I know he'll be there for you in any way you need. I had been tempted to keep this news to myself because you have enough on your plate, but I know you have him to help you through it._

_Your father has always been so proud of you and the man you have become, as have I, and I want you to honor his memory and help win this war, for him and for all of us. There will be time for mourning when the last Reaper falls._

_Until then, you and John keep each other safe. I love you so much!_

_Please be safe, my love,_  
Your adoring mother.  
\-------------------

 

Kaidan read the letter through a dozen times before the tears started to fall. They couldn't be helped, they were for his mother just as much as they were for his father. The two of them had spent over forty years together, and now she was all alone on a planet being invaded by killing machines. How could he not worry?

It was hard news to hear, but he did appreciate that Anderson took the time to make sure he received it. He would be later anyway. All he could do after was sit there, staring quite literally out into space, until his tears ran dry leaving streaks of salt staining rosy cheeks, his whole being completely numb.

He didn't know how long he sat there when the door swooshed open, nor did he hear his husband enter calling his name. It wasn't until John kneeled down in front of him and took his hands in his that he snapped back to reality as his lifeline anchored him back to the docks.

"Sweetheart, please tell me what's wrong," John pleaded, and Kaidan had to wonder how long he'd been asking from the look of deep concern written in the worry lines on his face.

"M-my," he started but had to start again after clearing his throat, "My dad."

It was all he could say, all he needed to say. John understood, closing his eyes as he bowed his head for a moment. He stood and sat down next to Kaidan on the couch, immediately pulling him against his chest as he wrapped him up in strong arms.

Where he found the energy to cry again, he wasn't sure, but John shushed him and tried his best to comfort him with gentle words as he wept onto his shirt. His head was tucked under John's chin and a hand was rubbing circles on his back, the other carding through his hair.

"H-he's MIA," he sniffled, his voice muffled by his husband's BDU's. "She told me not to m-mourn, but she's a-all alone now," he stuttered.

"It's alright to mourn, she just doesn't want it to distract you from the mission. But it's just you and me here right now, no mission, and you can grieve all you need to, alright?" John replied, squeezing him tight as he kissed his temple. "I'm so sorry, Kaidan."

John kicked off his boots and repositioned them both on the couch, him on his back and Kaidan laying on his chest. John's heart beat was the perfect melody to lose himself in as memories of his father rolled through his mind like an endless vidstream, fleeting and visceral.

He remembered the day he was dragged away to brain camp, the look of guilt on his father's face etched in stone on the walls of his mind. Kaidan had felt so betrayed that day, so alone and abandoned. When he came home, that look had turned to heart break. His father was a soldier and understood having to take a life, but Kaidan knew that's not what he wanted for his only son.

Regardless, he was always a supportive man, driving Kaidan to the recruiters office when he'd made the decision to enlist. Not once did the older Alenko try to talk him out of it. He'd watched Kaidan pull himself out of depression and drug abuse and never lost his faith in him. Through it all, he was always there when he needed him the most.

His mother had been right, the man had always been proud of him, and Kaidan did his best to make sure he stayed that way.

He let himself get lost in the way John's fingers raked over his scalp, heavenly pinpricks cascading down his back. The scent of John mixed with Alliance issued soap and cheap laundry detergent was now the smell of home, but he kept thinking back to the last time he saw his father, the last time they were together as a family.

All four of them were having dinner in their small apartment in Vancouver before the invasion, his last happy memory before Earth started to burn. They laughed and drank cheap wine while he cooked alongside his father. John and his mother sat at the island and watched, both of them feigning disappointment about their husbands burning garlic. He'll never be able to cook again without John teasing him about that, without that happy memory creeping in.

But it was bittersweet, and far to raw to appreciate fully in the moment. He should've wrote home more, pulled some strings to get his father posted some place safer. He could've been a better son, done more to show how much his father meant to him, how proud he was of his old man in return.

Now, it was all too late. Odds were they'd never have a body to bury just like so many others whose loved ones the Reaper bastards had taken, countless millions snuffed out and lost. And those were the lucky ones, the ones not turned into—

"Oh, gods, John...what if he's...," he said, head lifting to look into John's eyes, his own blood red and raging like the fires on Earth, so full of pain and sorrow now combined with anger and hatred.

"No, baby, he's not," John replied, hugging him impossibly close. "He went down fighting. I promise you, he'd never let them take him."

"Yeah?" he asked, and he hated the uncertainty in his voice, the weakness, the fear.

"I promise," John assuredly said, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "How is your mom?"

"She said everyone's holding each other together, but I should be there with her, I'm all she has now," Kaidan said.

"No, Kaidan, you should be here. She's doing her part to help hold Earth together while we do what we need to do to stop the Reapers. I know this can't be easy for you, but you have me, and I'll help you however I can...I know what you're going through. I've been there."

"I'm sorry, I know you've had it so much worse than I have...I shouldn't complain," Kaidan said, looking away, back out into the void beyond the frigid glass.

"You aren't complaining, you're grieving, and it's perfectly natural. You've just received some of the worst news of your life. You've lost your father, a good man, and one of the most influential people in your life. You're allowed to take a moment and mourn him."

"You're right, John, about everything...it's funny...All seems so calm from here. There are people going through hell in a million different ways...out there. And I want to be fighting along side them...but I want to be here, you know? With you, doing my part like you said," Kaidan agreed, looking back at his husband.

"I get that, and you aren't going through this alone. There's strength in camaraderie, in empathy. You give me strength everyday," John said, his knuckles gliding down Kaidan's cheek, the pad of a thumb tracing his lip. "It pains me that your mother is on Earth, but she's strong. You get that from her."

"I get that from you, too," Kaidan added.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"We need to eat," John said. "It's way past chow time."

He wanted to protest, but John was right. He wasn't that hungry, but he didn't know when the next time he'd be thrown into battle would be and he needed to keep his calorie count up just in case. Reluctantly, he nodded in agreement and gave John a quick peck on the lips before pushing himself up.

"Do you mind if we keep this between us? I don't think I can handle the sad stares right now," Kaidan said, rubbing at his dry eyes while John pulled on his boots.

"Whatever you want, dear husband," John answered. He took Kaidan's hand and led him out into the mess hall to join the other late arrivals to dinner. "Is the ground team back yet?" he asked Cortez who was just setting down at the table.

"Just got back, and you won't believe what happened," Steve replied. "They had to pilot a Geth fighter to get off of the dreadnought after the Quarians started to blow it up with them still inside."

"What?" John exclaimed in surprise. "Are they alright? Did they make it back?"

"Everyone came away unscathed, but Shepard is...livid. Traynor said she's in the war room giving the admirals a piece of her mind, which, well as you know, can't be very good."

"The Quarians tried to blow up my sister? No, I can't see her taking that too well," John dryly replied as he and Kaidan grabbed a tray of some rather unappetizing looking spaghetti.

"We did run into an old friend," came a familiar voice from behind them. Kaidan and John turned, smiles brightening once they saw Tali standing before them. She really was a sight for sore eyes.

"Heard a rumor you had joined us," Kaidan greeted.

"I was referring to another stowaway Shepard was kind enough to pick up," she said, a hint of playfulness in her tone.

"Who?" John asked, him and Kaidan exchanging a bewildered look. Just then, a Geth unit rounded the corner, complete with a hole and an N7 patch in its chest. John's smile got even wider as he took in his old friend. "Legion, it has been too long."


	34. Bait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fighting Geth and Reapers on Rannoch.

_We were drawn from the weeds_  
_We were brave like soldiers_  
_Falling down under the pale moon light_  
**_-Ever the Same, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

"So her plan is to actually go into the Geth consensus?" Kaidan asked as he brought John a couple of protein bars and a coffee refill. He hadn't left the war room since Jane, Legion, and Garrus left the ship to disable one of the Geth servers.

"That's what she said," John shrugged. He reached for the mug and blew over the surface before sipping the hot liquid.

"Wonder what that's like," he pondered.

"We'll soon find out."

Kaidan hummed in agreement as they both began to busy themselves with reading intel reports or reviewing the last mission brief since neither had been on the dreadnought when Shepard found Legion. It didn't escape him that John kept a watchful eye on the ground team's status.

John was happy to have had some time with his favorite Geth unit while they prepared for the mission that was currently underway. He wasn't as tech savvy as Kaidan, but the two had struck up an odd friendship on account of John being the one who had brought him back online during their mission against the Collectors.

Jane was also as close as one could be with a Geth, and the three had planned to do the op together, but Dr. Chakwas had refused to clear John for combat. His left lung still wasn't at full capacity, but he argued that he was more fit than most other soldiers fighting on the front lines. Kaidan would've agreed if it had been anyone but his husband. Yes, he knew he was biased.

"Captain Alenko, I've just receive an emergency transmission from the surface," Admiral Raan relayed twenty minutes later. Her and Tali had been aboard since they rendezvoused with the Quarian Fleet.

"Is it the ground team?" John asked, his brow furrowing in worry.

"No, the admiral of our Civilian Fleets, Admiral Koris. His ship went down taking out a planetary defense canon and needs an immediate evac," the Quarian answered. "Sending you the coordinates for his escape pod."

"Garrus, I need an update. I might need to borrow Cortez for awhile," John commed.

 _"Things are pretty quiet around here, John. Shepard's just...hanging out in a big pod,"_ Garrus radioed back.

"Does Legion have an ETA?"

_"Negative. But he did say it might be awhile."_

"Alright Cortez, bring the shuttle back up," John ordered.

 _"Aye sir,"_ the pilot replied.

"Kaidan and Tali gear up," he continued.

Kaidan sensed John was planning on going planet side, but he was far too concerned for his husband's well being to let that happen. "You aren't cleared for duty," he reminded him.

"A mission to save an admiral overrules doctor's orders."

"Would you like to tell Chakwas that?"

"Kaidan," John admonished.

"John, you aren't going down there. You aren't ready," Kaidan whispered after having felt a few stray eyes on them. "I need you at a hundred percent and someone needs to command the ship while Shepard's gone."

"You aren't going without me!" John insisted.

"I'm a Spectre I think I can handle it. Besides, you need to stay here so I have a reason to come back," he smirked. "It's supposed to be beautiful."

"Kaidan?" John pleaded, big blue eyes more dangerous to his resolve than a thousand Reapers.

"You'll get the next one, alright? I have to go get ready," Kaidan replied. He gave him a quick peck on the lips and turned to head down to the shuttle bay.

"Take James at least!" John hollered after.

The team went to work preparing their weapons and slipping into their armor while Cortez flew back to the ship. The Normandy was hovering close to the Geth servers so the flight only took ten minutes or so, but that left plenty of time for Tali to get their guns ready and for James and Kaidan to suit up.

Kaidan was kind of surprised that John hadn't found his way down to the shuttle bay to see him off. He knew the man was itching to get back into the fight, but Kaidan wanted him to be at his best when he returned.

After a short trip to the surface, they ran into heavy fire from Geth run AA guns. The plan was to take them out on foot so they could disable a jamming tower. The coordinates for Admiral Koris weren't specific enough for an exact location so they would need to disable it to locate his emergency beacon.

Kaidan was happy to be fighting along side Tali again and glad she could set foot on her homeworld after having dreamed of doing so since birth. It was quite an amazing thing to witness. He'd never seen her so determined before, but it was a shame she didn't get a chance to enjoy the experience with all the gun fire.

Him and Tali's tech skills came in handy against the Geth they encountered as they fought their way to their targets. He hadn't fought beside James save for their short excursion on Mars, but he was quite impressed with the young marine. The three made quick work of getting the guns and jammer off line so they could get an exact location on the admiral.

They were able to extract him without too much hassle from the Geth and swung by to pick up Shepard's team before returning to the Normandy. James spent the short ride grilling her for details about merging with the Geth consensus, which Kaidan had to admit was a rather monumental achievement.

After a long debrief in the war room, the team dispersed to begin preparations for their assault on the Reaper base that was being used to control the Geth. The plan was to strike at first light, and Shepard had instructed everyone to get a good night's rest. That was always easier said than done with all the pre-mission butterflies swarming in the air.

Kaidan had a late dinner with the crew while John stayed up in the war room waiting for a briefing from Anderson. The two hadn't had much time to talk after he got back, but he knew his husband was a mix of relief that he returned unharmed and frustration that he wasn't allowed to go with him.

"Hey baby," John greeted as he walked in, but his cheerful tone gave Kaidan pause.

"What's up?" he asked, unable to keep the hesitation out of his voice. He had just come from the showers and ran a towel over his hair while he eyed John with suspicion.

"Chakwas cleared me for the mission tomorrow," he grinned, wrapping Kaidan up in a warm embrace.

Kaidan's brows knitted together as he studied his lover's face for a moment. He his eyes narrowed even further as he asked, "Did you blackmail her?"

"No," he chuckled, burying his nose in Kaidan's neck, "Janie did."

"Not funny...so, what? You're telling me that you miraculously healed in twelve hours?"

"I'm a fast healer. I'll be fine, promise. And careful, too," John said, squeezing Kaidan tight before pulling away.

Kaidan couldn't help but be concerned for him. He was sure everything would be fine, but it was part of his job to worry about his spouse. He flopped down on the couch—watching John as he did the same—and let out a defeated sigh once they were settled. "Who's going with you?"

"Tali, obviously, and Jane," John replied. He pulled off his boots and stretched out on the couch. "We should probably get some sleep while we can," he yawned.

Kaidan had to agreed with that. His earlier mission didn't take too long to complete, but he did use his biotics a little. The one tomorrow had a much higher risk involved, and everyone would need to be prepared for the worst in case things went sideways.

*****

John and Kaidan had kissed goodbye before they left their room the next morning. They were doing their best to be mindful of Jane and tried to keep the PDA's to a minimum around the ship. Kaidan did see him onto the shuttle, though, before making his way up to the war room.

He knew it was going to be a long mission, but Liara and Garrus both stayed close by in case he needed their help. It was more for moral support because he had taken command of the ship a time or two before from John for various reasons.

His nerves were put to the test as soon as the team touched down. John had gone through the same thing the day before, but this mission was going to be a lot more difficult. The team had to get in close enough to the Reaper base to paint the target with a laser so it could be destroyed from orbit.

It was hard to take his eyes of the monitors, but Traynor would come in from time to time to bring him coffee, which he was grateful for. "How's it going?" she asked in her English accent as she gave him a weak smile.

"Heavy resistance, but they're still moving forward," he replied.

"I'm sure they'll be alright. They're a good team," she said, linger for a moment before going back out to her station.

Kaidan was too concerned with John and the team's status at the time to notice her reluctance to leave, but Liara came over soon after and gave him a coy smile. "Everything alright?" he asked.

"What did Traynor want?" she answered in question, her eyes traveling back and forth between him and the datapad she had in her hand.

"Status update," he replied.

Liara gave a soft hum as her expression changed from inquisitive to contemplative. "For who?"

"The team," Kaidan answered, giving her a scrutinizing look. "Okay, Shadow Broker, if you know something, spill."

"It's nothing, just a theory I'm working on," she said, the vague reply raising more questions than it answered.

"Care to share with the rest of us?"

"Traynor is...good friends with both Shepard and Tali. I am trying to assess on which her intentions are set," shrugged the doctor.

"You think Traynor has a crush on Shepard? The sweet R&D specialist and the insane Spectre that tried to kill me? That's certainly good for a laugh or two," he snickered.

"Her or Tali. It's known Traynor is a fan of tech so it's not a stretch that she would be attracted to a Quarian," Liara added.

"Well...if I see anything, I'll let you know," he smirked.

He turned his attention back to the last sitrep Jane had relayed. The team had just opened a containment door on the base and were heading up a level so they could get a lock on the target. Kaidan gave word to the crew that the team was getting close and to be ready for offensive fire on Shepard's mark.

Just as he was cutting the comms, the monitors on John's armor went berserk, beeping and flashing in a feverish frenzy. He jerked his head towards the screen as his frantic eyes scanned the damage report. They didn't register an breaches, just a hard impact.

 _"I'm fine, husband. Just a usual day at the office; Geth rocket to the chest,"_ John chuckled through the comms.

Kaidan was not amused. His chest was as tight as a drum, his breathing heavy and clipped, and he had half a mind to both hug and punch the smug bastard when he returned. But he would probably stick with the former. Even so, he couldn't rip his eyes away from the screen and the little messages scrolling by displaying John's vitals and what stims were being administered into his armor.

John's pulse was a little elevated, which was to be expected. His adrenaline levels had also spiked, possibly due to the surprise and pain involved from the impact. Nothing was broken, so at worst, he'd have some bruising. Kaidan could only hope that would be the brunt of it.

Garrus laid a three fingered hand on his shoulder and some of the tension leeched right out of him. "You should've seen him yesterday," the Turian purred.

Kaidan scoffed but turned to give a curt nod. He could imagine what John went through because he was going through it now, but he only had bullets ricocheting off him, not rockets from Geth Primes.

 _"We're in range and are making our approach to the target,"_ Shepard said.

 _"All personnel prepare for offensive assault,"_ EDI's voice rang through the ship.

Kaidan watched the weapons' systems light up in green and felt a subtle acceleration as the ship barreled through the atmosphere. The lights on the board went from green to red and EDI announced that they had made a direct hit.

_"Shepard to Fleet, it is not a Reaper base, it's a live Reaper. I need an orbital strike!"_

"EDI! Line up for anoth—" Kaidan attempted to order.

 _"We're clear. Fire at will!"_ the Commander's voice punched through.

"Was it a hit?" Kaidan yelled.

 _"Affirmative, Major,"_ EDI replied.

 _"EDI, patch the Quarians to the Normandy's weapons' systems. I want the targeting laser synced up to the whole damn Fleet,"_ Shepard bellowed through the comms.

_"Understood."_

"She's going to paint the Reaper manually," Liara said.

 _"John's painting it,"_ Tali corrected.

"What the hell, John? Shepard?" Kaidan raged. He looked over to John's stats, their heart beats synchronizing as his raised under the news. Perhaps John would be getting that punch after all.

 _"I'm not my brother's keeper,"_ Jane bit back.

Kaidan ran a hand over his face as he tried to keep his composure. "EDI, I need a visual," he instructed.

 _"There are no functioning cameras on Rannoch, Major,"_ said the AI.

"Well find me something else. I need eyes on the Captain now!"

After a moment, a nearby screen flickered to life and the blurry image of the Reaper appeared. Kaidan knew it was the best he would get. His breath caught in his throat when the Reaper fired. His husband was down there. His crazy ass husband was using himself as Reaper bait!

 _"The destroyer is in range. Missiles ready for launch,"_ EDI said.

"Fire when locked," Kaidan commanded.

 _"Target locked; firing,"_ EDI said. _"Direct hit."_

The Reaper was still moving, still firing at John. Kaidan's eyes fluttered between the small monitor and John's vitals. He hadn't been hit. Yet. "Come on, baby. You got this," he whispered.

_"Firing...direct hit."_

Everything went hazy after that. All his concentration was on the monitor, the noise around him fading into a low hum, the blood rushing through his veins as cold as deep space. He hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath until the Reaper began firing at random into the air.

 _"Prepare for evasive maneuvers,"_ EDI said.

Kaidan could feel the pitch and roll of the Normandy, but his eyes were still glued to the Reaper as began to break apart.

"He did it!" Garrus shouted in victory once the machine went limp on the ground.

"The crazy sonuvabitch," Kaidan said to himself before dissolving into a fit of disbelieving laughter. Everyone joined him with hoots and hollers as they celebrated their win. Garrus gave him a strong pat on the back, and he and Liara shared a look when Traynor came in fishing for another update on the ground team.

"Status report, EDI," Kaidan said.

 _"Nothing to report, Major. All systems functioning at optimal levels. We took no damage in the assault,"_ she explained.

Thirty minutes later, Kaidan met the ground team in the hanger bay. John jumped out with a scowl on his face, his head turned back as he snarled into the Kodiak. Kaidan frowned and walked closer until he could hear what was being said, or yelled to be more precise.

"...You talked them down, so what's the problem?" Jane hissed.

"Did you stop to maybe think about how your decision could've wiped out a whole damn species?" John snapped back.

"The Geth deserved to be free. They weren't created for the Quarians to attempt genocide against them when things didn't go their way! They joined the Reapers because they had no other choice. Why is everything my fucking fault, John?"

"You're reckless, Jane! That's why. Try using your head once in a while before you get half the galaxy killed, half our damn allies!"

"You're calling me reckless, Mr. Let-me-take-the-laser? That's rich," Jane scoffed. "I made the right call and together we saved two allies!"

"You're insufferable," John growled, shaking his head as he bolted for the elevator.

Kaidan hurried after. He could see John's shoulders heaving even with his armor on, the tumultuous energy coming off him in waves. Kaidan wasn't sure what to say, so he slinked onto the elevator beside him and they rode to the crew deck in silence.

He followed as John headed straight to their room, pulling off his gauntlets as he thundered down the corridor with heavy steps. John hurled them across the room when the door slid open, and they hit a bookcase with a resounding thud.

All Kaidan could do was watch John storm over to the couch and drop onto it like a ton of bricks. He tiptoed over with cautious steps and kneeled down in front of him. Without a word, he began to unfasten John's armor and place the pieces beside him as he went. Not wanting to push, he hoped John would talk when he was ready.

He had the majority of his armor off when John reached for his hand. Kaidan looked up into sad, tear-ladened eyes and watched John swallow before he spoke one word, one name, "Legion."

Kaidan's persistent frown deepened as he positioned himself on the couch beside his husband. He slipped both arms around him and pulled him against his body. John went with him, his face burrowing into the hollow of Kaidan's chest as he soaked his shirt with tears of frustration and sorrow.

"She was r-right," John sniffled, his voice muffled by the fabric of Kaidan's BDU's. "He died ending a three decades long war. He died a hero. She saved the Geth, I saved the Quarians...but I...I couldn't save him, I couldn't save Mordin, I couldn't save Wrex or your dad or all those people on Earth."

"John, none of them are on you. The Reapers are at fault here and we're going to make them pay for every life they've taken, in this cycle and the ones before. EDI explained what happened, what Legion had to do for its _people._ It was a nobel sacrifice and one any soldier would be proud to make."

"Yeah...yeah, you're right," John murmured. He straightened up and took a few cleansing breaths before getting to work on the rest of his armor. Kaidan helped and tried to ignore the winces he made as they freed him from his under armor. Underneath, his chest was a mottled collage of deep purples and blacks where he took the hit from the Prime.

"I'm going to get something for that bruise and grab you some dinner. Anything else you need?" Kaidan asked, one side of his lips curling up into an affectionate smile.

"You're not going to chew me out for the laser thing?" John asked, ducking his head but chancing a peek at him with a look that of a child expecting a good scolding.

"Oh we'll be discussing the laser  _thing_ until my voice gives out and/or I pass out from exhaustion...just not tonight, babe," Kaidan assured him. He kissed the side of John's mouth and stood. "I'll be right back, sweetheart."

"I'll always come back to you," John croaked, looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes, "Always. No matter what."

"So will I, John...no matter what."

When he got back to the room, he dug out the good whiskey. Spirits knew they both needed a stiff drink after the mayhem of the day. And with it, they toasted their fallen comrades until they passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about letting Jane kill off the Quarians because I usually side with the Geth if I have to choose but decided against it. I think John would've been able to talk them down. And the crew needed a big win with losing Legion. :-(


	35. Melancholy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Normandy picks up Grunt; the crew kick off shore leave; John doesn't think things through.

_It feels like hell to let you walk_  
_Bet it all down but I couldn't afford it_  
_This is the way you want it to be_  
_This is the way you want it to be_  
_Oh this is the way you want it to be_  
_Guess you don't want me_  
**_The Way, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**John**

Their chests were still heaving when EDI's voice echoed in the room, brows laced with sweat and stomachs sticky with evidence of a lazy afternoon love making session.

 _"Jonathan, Joker wished for me to relay a message once you and the Major were done with your exercise routine,"_ EDI said, and if John didn't know better, he'd've sworn there was a knowing lift to her otherwise monotone voice.

"Uh, thanks for waiting...," John replied at a loss for what else to say. "What's the message?" he asked, placing another peck to the corner of his husband's mouth as they continued to cling to each other's overheated bodies.

_"Shepard wishes to see you in the war room for a briefing. And Liara has found more information about the MIA Krogan scouts lost in the Attican Traverse. She has just confirmed it was Aralakh Company. She is on her way to the SO as we speak."_

John's body stiffened, the arm around Kaidan tightening as his thoughts went straight to Grunt. They weren't biologically related, and the 'baby' Krogan was full grown adult, but that didn't stop a panic from swelling up inside him. He refused to lose anymore friends, and he sure as hell wasn't going to lose his son!

"Do we have a precise location?" John asked as he jumped off the couch and scrambled for his fatigues, Kaidan doing the same as fabric rustled behind him.

_"The Mulla Xul system in the Ninmah Cluster."_

"Set a course."

_"Shall I inform Shep—"_

"Spectre authority, EDI, do it!" John raised his voice.

"And if she tries to change it, use mine as well," Kaidan added. John shot him an appreciative nod.

_"Course set, Captain, Major."_

"John? I need to speak with you," Liara said, entering the room after Kaidan disengaged the lock.

John had finished tucking in his shirt and had sat down on the couch to pull his boots on. "I'm listening."

"I think Grunt needs our help," she began, wringing her hands in worry as she paced in front of the glass window.

"Course is already set," John replied. "You want to come along or shall I take Garrus?"

"It would be an honor," Liara said.

"I coming with you," Kaidan added, his tone leaving no room for argument.

John winked at him as he stood. "Of course you are, dear husband. It's our son we're talking about," he smirked, pressing a kiss to Kaidan's lips once more before heading for the door, the other two biotics following behind.

Shepard was fuming when they reached the war room, "What the hell do you mean he changed our course?!" she raged. "This is _my_ goddamn ship!"

"Grunt needs our help!" John interjected. The war room went deathly silence as the tension ratcheted up ten-fold in anticipation of another Shepard twins stand-off.

"I give the orders!" she snarled.

"You're right, I should've talked to you first. I jumped the gun when I heard it was Grunt," he placated, holding his hands up in surrender.

Jane deflated a fraction at his apology. He closed the distance between them in an attempt to defuse the situation before it snowballed out of control. One by one, the anxious crew returned to their duties.

"I'm sorry I didn't consult you first. I didn't intend to undermine you, but we're going after Grunt," he whispered, his voice firm in spite of the volume.

"He's not _really_ your son, y'know," she said, rolling her eyes.

"You just don't want a Krogan for a nephew," he scoffed. Of course, she did condemned their species to certain extinction and killed their only competent leader, so the feeling was probably mutual.

"No, John," she hissed as she jabbed a finger into his chest. John saw Kaidan go rigid in his periphery and he reached out his hand to lace them together, more to comfort his husband than himself. "I'm trying to protect you, like I always do because what if he's already dead, huh? What then? You'll be fucking heartbroken, so excuse me for trying to ground you into reality."

She spun around signaling the end of the conversation. John let out a an unsteady breath and squeezed Kaidan's hand before letting go. He knew that was a reasonable possibility, especially if Liara's reports on Rachni were to be believed.

"EDI mentioned you wanted to go over a briefing," he said with caution. Sometimes navigating Jane was like walking a minefield.

Except he'd prefer a minefield.

"I'll take James and Garrus since I'm guessing Kaidan and Liara will be joining you," she replied. Her voice a little less biting. He'd consider that a win. And she actually used 'Kaidan' instead of 'Alenko.' Baby steps.

*****

Grunt had been a sight for sore eyes when they touched down on Utukku. John let out a sigh of relief when he spotted their silver speckled son strutting up to them, head held high, and he couldn't be more proud. He knew he was going to be in so much trouble when they had actually tiny babies, if Kaidan wanted to, but now was not the time for such thoughts.

He was amused to discover that Krogan could blush when he noticed Grunt's cheeks darken when he greeted Liara. John suspected Grunt had a little crush on her after she had asked him to dance at their wedding reception. It seemed his suspicions were confirmed.

After a few moments of catching up, Grunt briefed them on the situation with the missing scouts and they set out for the caverns down below.

Fighting through the Reaperized Rachni was exhausting. The war keep getting more and more disturbing as it went along, abominations at every turn. Skirting around the pods of Rachni babies took some time, but they eventually made it to the central chamber relatively unscathed.

"This is impossible," Kaidan said, staring wide-eyed at the Rachni queen in chains before them. "I watched Shepard kill the last queen on Noveria."

"Then what's that?" John asked.

"Another Reaper monstrosity," Liara hypothesized.

John had a short discussion with the breeding queen the Reapers revived, and decided to leave her to die. It was a tough call, one he knew Jane would've made, but he was glad she didn't have to. Part of the reason he wanted on the Normandy was to spare Jane from having to make them all herself.

They raced out of the caverns back towards the shuttle as the Rachni began to swarm around them. The team threw everything they had at them, both bullets and biotics, but the monstrous bugs kept coming at them in waves out of every nook and cranny.

"The shuttle's down that path. I'll hold them off," Grunt said as they stopped for a moment to regroup.

"No! We stay together," John ordered, shaking his head. He couldn't lose anyone else; he couldn't leave Grunt behind.

"Get out of here!" Grunt roared.

"No! Kaidan, Liara, get back to the shuttle."

"John!" Kaidan begged, "We have to go!"

"I can't just leave him," John snipped.

"You stay, I stay!"

John whipped around to face his husband, communicating without words as they looking into each other's eyes. Strategically, Grunt's plan was sound, but how was he supposed to leave him alone to fend off what could be a thousand Rachni? But the look Kaidan gave him, sad brown eyes boring right into his soul, was too much to argue with.

"We'll wait for you," John said to Grunt. He gave an affirming nod to the Krogan and took off after Kaidan and Liara who were already running for the shuttle. Kaidan looked back over his shoulder only once to make sure John was there as they booked it out of the caverns.

When the team breeched the surface, John turned around to wait for Grunt, hoping the epitome of his species was strong enough to get himself out of the clutches of the corrupted Rachni. His heart plummeted into an agonizing despair with every second that passed with no sign of him.

Kaidan was leading him towards the shuttle when he spotted movement in the distance.

"Grunt!" John yelled as he took off towards the warrior caked in Rachni blood, and probably some of his own.

"Anybody got something to eat?" Grunt asked, stumbling into John's arms. Kaidan was right there beside him as they helped the Krogan to the shuttle. They hauled him onboard and Cortez took off for the Normandy.

"EDI, inform the med-bay that we are coming in with a stubborn Krogan in need of medical attention," John instructed as he shot a glare at Grunt. "Don't ever scare me like that again," he lectured his adorably huge son.

"Heh, heh, sure thing, _Papa_ ," Grunt replied.

Once they returned to the ship, Jane set a course for the Citadel. Dr. Chakwas patched Grunt up as best as she could, but they weren't fully equipped to treat Krogan since they didn't ordinarily have one on the ship. The doctor did her best, but Grunt made it difficult. John was sure he was trying to look tough in front of Liara.

Kaidan was getting them both some coffee when Jane found her way to the med-bay. "How's it going, Grunt?" she asked.

"Hey Shepard," he grimaced, readjusting himself on the exam table. "Feel like I single-handedly took out the last of the Rachni."

"I think you just did," she smirked. "I'm not surprised, you are a Shepard after all."

"How quickly you change your tune," John teased.

"I'm allowed to change my mind. Besides, who wouldn't want the best Krogan in the galaxy for a nephew?" she laughed. "By the way, I'm granting the crew some much needed shore leave when he dock. Spread the word."

"Will do. Do you want to stay at our place?" John asked without much thought. They'd spent countless nights there with Anderson in the past, and he always made sure to let them each know they had a room anytime they needed it.

Jane gave him contemplative look before giving a nod then turning her attention back to Grunt.

*****

Grunt was taken to Huerta Memorial for treatment when they docked in bay D24. John had joked about having a family discount coming their was with that visit. The staff even put Grunt in the 'Alenko suite' as everyone started calling it. Kaidan was not amused.

They stayed with him for awhile and did some catching up as Grunt told them a few stories of leading Aralakh Company. Once John was reassured he would be fine, him and Kaidan said their goodbyes and departed. They were both looking forward to soaking in their hot tub to soothe aching bones.

They haven't been home two minutes when that plan flew right out the proverbial window.

"I'm taking my old room," Jane announced as she burst through the door, duffle slung over her shoulder.

Kaidan's jaw dropped open in shock as he watched her ascend the staircase with disbelieving eyes. He rounded on John when she was out of view, whispering a harsh "What the hell is this?"

"Jane's gonna be staying with us," John said, feeling guilty that he hadn't run it by him first. He knew Kaidan would've said 'no' and he was hoping if they spent some more time together the residual tension would evaporate.

"What?" Kaidan asked, his eyes darkening as he waited for a response.

"I said she could have one of the guest rooms," he shrugged.

"Why would you do that?" Kaidan snapped.

"Uh...because she's my sister," John answered, not sure of what else to say.

Kaidan shook his head and gave him a look that was full of disappointment. "And you didn't think to talk to me about it before hand? I thought we were partners here? We're supposed to discuss these kinds of things, John!"

"I didn't think it would be a big deal, Kaidan. Things are going fine on the ship," John bit back, crossing his arms over his chest and slipping into a defensive posture in reaction to Kaidan's thunderous words.

"Yeah, because I've been avoiding her like the plague! How the hell am I supposed to sleep knowing she's right down the hall? How are we going to have any alone time together when she's in the other room?"

"I thought we were trying to get along here," he pointed out.

"John, she tried to fucking kill me, did you think that maybe I wouldn't be comfortable sleeping right down the hall from her? The ship's one thing, we have decks and plenty of witnesses between us, but what if you go out for milk and come home to find me with a damn knife in my back?"

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this? She's not going to hurt you," John tried to assure him.

"That's not the point! You invited her here into _our_ home without consulting me first. I'm not fucking okay with that."

"Oh don't be so dramatic."

As soon as the words left his mouth, John knew he'd made everything ten times worse. Kaidan's face hardened with his wrath and his chest started to heave. John had to swallow because he realized in that moment that a pissed off Kaidan Alenko was not something he knew how to handle.

"Don't be? D-dramatic? I...I can't believe you right now!" Kaidan stuttered as he began to pace the living room floor, a hand raking through his hair.

"We're supposed to be moving on, remember? I just don't see what the big deal is, that's all," he said, forcing his voice to stay as calm and even as possible, which was a difficult task considering the way those honey eyes were glowing with fury.

"Oh I remember, I see the scar my bullet left on you every damn day!" Kaidan shouted.

"You're overreacting, Kaidan. Everything will be just fine, okay? Just please calm down," he pleaded.

"I'm not overreacting! And don't you tell me to calm down! I'm concerned for my life here! You're my husband, so why aren't you?" Kaidan said more than asked before storming towards the door.

"Baby, she won't _do_ anything. She's doing better now...Come on, Kaidan...Where are you going?" he asked, following him out the door.

"If she's staying here, I'm not," he threw back over his shoulder as he crossed the threshold of the elevator.

"You're being ridiculous about this!" John yelled down the hall. "Just come back and we'll talk about it...Kaidan? Kaidan!" he implored, but the elevator doors swooshed shut before he could say anything else. "FUCK!!"

It was the first time Kaidan had looked at him like that, irate and crestfallen, and it broke his heart. That was not how their shore leave was supposed to get started. He was hoping they would have some time to bond as a family, not for them to have their first fight.

What if Kaidan could never get passed his problems with Jane or vice versa? What was he supposed to do then? Should he give him time to cool off or should he run after him? Send him flowers? Buy him whiskey? Maybe they just needed some time apart to think things through and regroup. He hoped that was all they needed, a small timeout.

John stomped over to the closest couch and sat down, elbows on his knees, face buried in his hands. Hot tears were streaming down his face thanks to the overwhelming emotions waring inside him. He heard Jane call for him and wiped them away as he leaned back, covering his face with his forearm in an attempt to hide.

"I need a drink. Let's go out," Jane suggested, towering over him.

"No, Jane! I just had my first fight with my husband and I'm going to sit right here and fucking sulk about it!" came his muffled reply of indignation. Going out would really anger Kaidan, and he didn't want to give him anymore fuel. "And don't act like you didn't hear the whole damn thing!"

"Well, it _was_ about me," she droned, flopping down on the couch beside him. "And I'm not leaving!"

He grunted noncommittally; he expected as much.

"I don't want you to," he said, dropping his hands to his lap and sitting up beside her. "I want you two to get along because I love both of your stubborn asses!"

"How about we go to dinner then. Joker wants to meet me at that hot sushi restaurant you were raving about. Get you out of the house, take your mind off things, enjoy your sister's company," she said. "I'm sure they won't mind expanding the reservation for the first two Human Spectres."

He frowned at her, "I'm just not up to it, okay?"

She sighed in equal parts defeat and annoyance, but nodded. "Alright, but if I come back and all the ice cream is gone, I'm going to kick your ass."

"Yeah, well if you get caught up in another Coup...do me a favor and call someone else. I have enough problems between my son in the hospital and my husband angry with me because my sister tried to kill him."

"It was one fucking time!" she grumbled as she stood, stalking off with another, "One fucking time!"

John fell over on the couch and screamed out his frustrations into an unsuspecting pillow. After Jane left to meet up with Joker and he'd sent Kaidan ten unanswered messages, he changed his mind and decided to go out as well. To Armax Arsenal Area to take out his misery on computer generated heads, some of which he imagined were his husband's.

That was until he remember their first kiss took place in a very similar arena. Then he felt even more like an ass. Maybe Jane was right, he was a fucking screw up. Kaidan was going to get fed up and leave him. Before he could slide any further down his melancholy rabbit hole of self-loathing, his comms beeped.

"Kaidan?" asked a dejected and desperate John.

_"It's Joker. Would ask about what's got you in such a chipper mood, but quick question...you wouldn't happen to have any guns nearby?"_

"Why do you ask?" John countered, looking down at the perfect curves of his Mattock, his favorite shotgun strapped to his still armored back.

_"Funny story....."_


	36. Shore Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan kiss and make up...and that whole Clone thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, this chapter fought me soo hard. The first half is fine, there's some nice makeup smut, but the second half I'm not too happy with, but that's because it reads like a damn summary of the Clone mission. That is why I hate doing in game scenes, but the awesome idea I had planned to change it up with wouldn't work with their fight.

_And if I couldn't sleep could you sleep_  
_Could you paint me better off_  
_Could you sympathize with my needs_  
_I know you think I need a lot._  
**_-Bent, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

After storming off from their fight, Kaidan spent a few hours walking around the Presidium. He needed to clear his head. Why couldn't John understand where he was coming from? Was it too much to ask for them to have at least sat down and discussed the possibility of Jane staying with them?

That was the part that got to him, that John made a decision without even consulting him about it. Yes, Jane was family, but he had reasons to be wary of her presence in their home. Damn good reasons, too. And he couldn't help but feel like John didn't bother to take his feelings on the matter into account. That was the part that stung.

The Normandy was all but deserted when he made his way back aboard. If Jane was sleeping in his apartment, he'd be staying on the ship. And yes, he was going to be stubborn about it. He knew he would eventually have to find a way to make nice with her for John's sake, but he figured he was allowed some apprehensions about the whole situation as well. Things were not going to resolve themselves overnight.

He had turned his comms to silent while he walked around but was genuinely surprised when he saw that he had twenty missed messages: fourteen from John and three each from Joker and Liara. They had probably heard what happened and wanted to help. Or butt in. Either way, he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

Instead of checking them, he decided to take a nice long, hot, relaxing shower. He was supposed to be making love to his husband in their hot tub, but it would have to do. He grabbed a change of clothes and made his way to the head. The ship was like a ghost town, but he locked the door just in case anyone tried to come in. He was aboard to be alone not interrogated.

He cleansed his body and sudsed up his hair with shampoo, one of the only luxury items he allowed himself. The mild and calming scent of apple blossoms transported him back home to the family orchard, to his childhood when he would spend hour upon hours running through the trees chasing his cousins.

Usually the memories were a good thing, something to ground him, to remind him of where he came from and what he was fighting for, but lately those happy thoughts had been eclipsed by the reality that the orchard was now being used as a camp for refugees of the war against the Reapers, the war that had taken his father and who knew how many of those cousins.

He quickly washed the shampoo out of his hair, hoping to wash away the dark thoughts starting to creep in along with it. After turning his face into the spray, he leaned his forehead against the now-warm metal of the stall and tried to relax and calm his frayed nerves.

He wondered what John was up to. Him and Jane had probably gone straight for the alcohol after he left. Kaidan figured they were having some kind of sibling bonding time. Maybe that was a good thing for them, but he didn't like feeling left out. Maybe that was how Jane's been feeling....

"I'm sorry," John said from behind him, jostling him from his thoughts like a kick to the head. The water must've drowned out the sound of the door swooshing open because when he spoke Kaidan nearly jumped out of his skin.

He spun around lightening quick, his shock quickly giving way to his reappearing anger. Why'd he have to go and apologize? Kaidan wasn't done being mad at him yet, but John looked so much like a damn puppy that he couldn't help but let out a defeated sigh.

"For what? Going behind my back or failing to take my feelings on the matter into account?" he grumbled, shutting off the water.

"Both," John said, and he sounded so sincere and so dejected that Kaidan had to fight to keep from throwing himself at him. He settled on a scoff as he reached for his towel and secured it around his waist.

"I'm sorry for storming off," he offered, more to the ground than to John. He wrung as much water out of his thick hair as he could before getting dressed in a clean Alliance t-shirt and track pants.

"If it makes you feel any better, Jane totally destroyed the fish tank at Ryuusei's Sushi Bar," John said with a hopeful little smile when Kaidan turned back to him.

"Why would that make me feel better? I love that place," Kaidan sighed, tossing his soiled towel in the bin. He know John was just trying to make conversation, which he appreciated, but he still felt tense, the air between them not completely cleared.

"To be fair, it wasn't her fault. The mercs were the ones shooting the place up."

"What?" Kaidan asked, brow furrowing.

"She was having dinner with Joker when she was ambushed. Some creeps came in and shot the place up. When she was trying to escape, the fish tank cracked and she fell right through it...poor fish...anyway, the mercs chased her for awhile until Joker commed me to help her out. Then it was the two of us until we joined up with James."

A heavy cloud of guilt blew in and settled over Kaidan's head. His husband was in a shootout and could've been seriously hurt or worse and he couldn't be bothered to check his damn messages.

"Hey don't do that," John said, moving to wrap his arms around Kaidan.

"But you could've...."

"But I didn't...and you couldn't've known that mercs were going to storm the sushi place," he continued.

Kaidan moved his hands up John's arms to his shoulders and leaned into him until their foreheads touched. "I'll check them next time, I promise. Even if I'm mad at you."

"We're...okay though, right?" John asked, his voice uncertain.

"We're always going to be okay. It was one fight. You didn't think that was it, did you?" Kaidan asked pulling back enough to look into John's blue eyes, the shine in them faded and duller than they should've been, and that very nearly broke his heart.

John only shrugged in reply and it was all Kaidan could to kiss the breath right out of him, hard yet sensual, full of love but also solace and adoration, anything to build him back up. Kaidan knew how easy it was for him to slip back into old thinking patterns, into that negative headspace that was filled with nothing but lies.

"I love you, sweetheart. I'll always love you, okay? We just...people fight, my parents fight, my grandparents fight, it's part of being in a relationship and we're going to have a lot more. But I don't ever what you to think that one little fight means it's over," Kaidan said, running his thumbs along John's cheekbones as he cupped his face.

"I really am sorry I didn't at least talk to you about it first. It's just that I wanted to spend a little time with both of you because I want you two to be able to move passed everything. And I'm not asking you to forget about it...I don't know, I'm tired of repeating myself…I just want us to be a family."

"We already are a family, John. It's just going to take time to move passed everything, time to repair those broken bridges. I'm trying, but it's not something you can rush."

"But what if we don't have time?" John asked.

Kaidan pulled away and picked up his dirty clothes. He shoved them under one arm and took John's hand with his free one, leading him along towards the SO. "All I can say is that I'm trying my best," he replied, "I'm just not ready to be so close to her yet." He tossed his things in the corner once they arrived and immediately pulled John into him for another tight embrace.

"Alright, and I know you're trying. I didn't mean to disregard your feelings. I wasn't expecting for things to go down that way. I wanted to go home, jump in the hot tub, and make love to you. Not have a fight and have to rescue Jane from bad guys," John chuckled, his eyes now razor sharp and twinkling.

Kaidan flashed a crooked smirk, "So?"

"So?"

"First fight," he said, his grin turning mischievous, "How do you want to do the makeup sex?"

"Well, since it was mostly my fault, why don't you bend me over the couch and spank me first?" John replied, a salacious grin spreading across his face, one brow quirked as he moved his hands down to squeeze Kaidan's eyes.

"You can't be serious," he chided, attempting to push him away, but he wasn't trying very hard.

"What? I should be punished, Major. It's the right thing to do," John teased.

"You'd enjoy it way too much, and besides, I think I should get to decide where I take you."

"Oh honey, you know you can take me anywhere," he grinned as his bit into his lower lip.

"You know what? I think I will spank you, just not when you're expecting it, amp up the suspense a little bit first," Kaidan said. Without warning, he spun them so that John's back was pressed against the huge observation window. He leaned in close until his lips were a hair's breath away from John's ear, "Turn around."

John turned slowly in his arms and Kaidan placed a gentle peck against his neck. He moved John's hands up and pressed his palms against the glass on either side of his head as he molded himself to his back, grinding his stiffening erection into John's ass and relishing the friction it created. "Don't. Move."

He went over to the couch and grabbed a bottle of lube they kept stuffed in the cushions before returning to his lover. He stashed the bottle in his pocket while he took his time stripping John of his clothes; the leather jacket first—and he was kind enough to place it on the couch—followed by his skin tight black tee that the man knew Kaidan loved—that went on the floor.

"Shit, it's cold!" John cringed when his bare skin hit the frigid glass.

Kaidan snickered behind him, his hands falling down a muscular back, nails grating ever so soft against John's skin. He reached around to unfasten the button on his jeans and unzip the zipper one notched at a time. Then he yanked them down along with John's boxer briefs. He stopped for a moment to whip off his own shirt before taking another to appreciate the view of his husband on display in front of him.

John backlit against the window would've been much more breathtaking if the backdrop had been the black void sparkling with stars, but the docking bay would have to do. Although, the Citadel was still in the last hour of its night cycle, he wondering if they could be seen from the outside. But not enough to stop.

Returning to the task at hand, he took out the lube and squirted a nice dollop at the base of John's spine, the sharp intake of breath noticeable when the cool liquid hit heated skin. Kaidan kissed his shoulder while a ran his finger down the split of John's ass working the slick down to his puckered entrance.

Kaidan bit into his neck with a growl as he thrust in an eager finger, John hissing in what he knew had to be pleasurepain. "You okay?" he asked, just to be sure.

"Gods, I love you," was John's reply.

"I love you too, dear husband," he cooed back.

He took his time lavishing John's neck with kisses and nibbles as he prepped him, but when he started to thrust back onto Kaidan's skilled fingers, he knew they were both ready for more.

"Kick off your boots," Kaidan said, removing his slippery fingers so he could drop his pants and kick them to the side. John did what he was told and stepped out of the jeans that had bunched around his ankles as well.

"I need you, Kaidan," he breathed, and that was the last thing said before Kaidan buried himself in that familiar heat, John's body gripping him like a vice as he adjusted to his girth.

"I'm yours."

John turned his head to the side and Kaidan kissed him, lips and teeth and tongues, all wanton and charged with both lust and love. When they broke apart, Kaidan gave a few experimental thrusts before he began pounding into the man in front of him, the love of his life, fingers curled tight around his waist as he pulled John back every time his hips surged forward.

It was difficult to speak after that in anything other than grunts and moans, Kaidan's body overwhelmed with too many emotions and the blissful peace he found every time they came together. It was hard and fast as he rocketed his dick into John's slick channel, the Captain's hands slipping down the glass as he tried his best to keep them steady.

Everything else around them fell away, their whole world revolving around each other as bodies withered and twisted together. The Reapers could wait, the situation with Jane could wait, everything and everyone else could wait. All that was important was the two of them reaffirming their love, their commitment, to each other, and gods the sex was amazing!

John let out a whine of disapproval at the loss of contact when Kaidan pulled away, but he didn't give him time to question anything before spinning him around. He picked him up, John's legs wrapping around his waist, and reentered him before once again working up into a frenzied pace, John's shoulder blades screeching against the glass with every pistoning push of Kaidan's cock into him.

"You're so beautiful," Kaidan said, his lips finding John's to swallow his reply, a mumbled mess of moans and gasps when he found that glorious spot inside him.

"Fuck, K...gonna, oh gods!" John cried out. He had his arms over Kaidan's shoulders, doing his best to hold himself up, but they were getting dangerously close to the pinnacle, Kaidan's strength teetering on the brink of giving out on him.

John reached between them to stroke himself. Kaidan's mind was so blurry and oversaturated with testosterone that the only sign he registered that John came was the constricting of his inner walls that milked his own orgasm from him, his release hitting him with so much violent force that his knees all but buckled.

They slid to the floor in a heap, John's back streaking down the glass leaving a sweaty trail all the way down. Kaidan pulled out of him and moved to sit beside to him, twining their fingers together as they struggled to slow their breathing.

"Wow!" John said, still out of breath. He turned to look at Kaidan, his sated blue eyes glazed over as he grinned.

"Yeah, wow!"

"I'm not saying we should fight more often, but...."

"Careful what you wish for, Scarecrow," Kaidan teased as he leaned over for a kiss, but he couldn't say he'd disagree. The kiss was meant as a peck but it soon turned heavy and heated. Kaidan was smirking when they parted, "So...tell me again why we can't go to Ryuusei's Sushi Bar."

*****

John and Kaidan spent what was left of the night aboard the Normandy, which only turned out to be a few hours at best. They were interrupted by a comm from Jane in regards to a meeting about the ambush the night before. They were both reluctant to leave. It had been nice having the ship all to themselves, but John insisted that they go since it was being held in their apartment.

Kaidan was perturbed by that. Not only did he feel run out of his own home, but Jane had essentially taken it over as her forward base of operations. He did promise that he was going to try to get along with her and if someone was targeting his sister-in-law—and perhaps more importantly, stealing the identity of a Council Spectre—he knew he should help out wherever he could.

The meeting itself was rather brief. Liara found a lead about the attack at the sushi bar using one of the guns Shepard had taken off a dead merc, and they formulated a plan to get to a known gun smuggler and owner of the Silver Coast Casino, Elijah Khan, in hopes of finding more information about the culprit.

Jane had some errands to run afterward so he and John were able to have some time alone to enjoy the hot tub, and even though it was part of a mission, Kaidan was looking forward to heading to the casino later that evening. Not only would it give him a chance to work on his espionage skills as they broke into a casino safe room, but he'd also get to see John dressed up since the charity gala being held that night was black tie.

John had insisted they rent a limo and do it right. Three Spectres at a charity event was sure to draw attention, but Kaidan assumed most of it would be on Jane. Even he had to admit she was smoking hot in the form fitting little black dress she wore. Despite that, the sight of John dressed to the nines had him wishing they'd taken separate vehicles, but that would've only delayed them. It was probably best to wait till after the event to rip John's suit off.

One thing Kaidan had never expected to ever do was walk a red carpet, but he did. He and John held hands as they strolled by the flashes from the cameras, Jane escorted on the other side of John. For all intense and purposes, they outwardly appeared to be a nice happy family, the first three Human Spectres. And even if that wasn't exactly true, Kaidan hoped that maybe some day they would get there.

Turns out, he was pretty good at being a spy. The team could've robbed the casino if they had wanted to...and it hadn't been for charity. Unfortunately, Khan was dead when they arrived to the safe room, but after another long night of strategizing, just about everyone slept at their apartment. They regrouped the next morning, refreshed and ready to follow a new lead EDI had found in Khan's office.

The next little breadcrumb led them to the Citadel Archives and to something Kaidan hoped he'd never see again, Jane Shepard with a gun on him. Except it wasn't Jane Shepard but a cheap imitation grown in a Cerberus lab. If Jane hadn't been standing right next to him, he wouldn't've believed it as a bullet from the Clone's gun ripped through his barrier.

"No one shoots at Kaidan, but me!" Shepard yelled. It would've almost been comical if it hadn't been for the actual bullet that ricocheted off his armor.

It might as well have been their battlecry because it sparked an intense fight through the archives as the ground team, plus a few former crew members from their mission with the Collectors, blasted their way through Cat-6 mercenaries in pursuit of the Clone and the traitorous Brooks who had up to that point been posing as an ally.

Brooks turned out to be part of a plot to draw Shepard into the Clone's trap, which was brilliantly successful when they found themselves locked deep in the Archives' vault, the Clone escaping with Jane's identity. The only upside was that Kaidan realized Jane could've been a lot worse than she was.

The surprising savior of the hour was none other than Glyph, Liara's VI. After it broke them out, the team proceeded to the Normandy. Jane's Clone had planned to steal the ship as well, and they couldn't let that happen. Joker was not pleased in the slightest, but neither was anybody else. The ship had become a second home to all of them, and they'd fight for her like they'd fight for anyone of their fellow crew.

Kaidan went ahead with John and Jane to the Normandy while the rest of the team had to stay behind due to the lack of seats in the skycar Joker had picked them up with. When they got to the docking bay, the trio was assaulted once more by the Cat-6 mercs. They were able to push them back and enter the ship with the help of Traynor and her trusty toothbrush.

What shocked Kaidan more than breaking into the Normandy with the mass effect field generated by a tiny toothbrush was the flirting Jane and Sam had done while they waited. Even more shocking than that was the kiss they shared when John was fiddling with the lock. Kaidan almost had a stroke because he did not see that coming. He whipped back around and hoped they hadn't noticed him noticing.

He wondered how the hell that had happened. He wasn't aware Jane was attracted to women; she'd never mentioned it when they were together. John's reaction would be interesting because he and Traynor were rather friendly. It wasn't his place to say anything, so he decided to keep his mouth shut, but he knew there was no way he'd be able to keep it from John for long.

Once back onboard, the three of them fought their way to the docking bay where Brooks and the Clone were. It was another intense battle, but the whole experience was somewhat cathartic for Kaidan. He got the opportunity to take many of the frustrations he had with Shepard out on her Clone.

Whether or not that was healthy, he couldn't say, but he also couldn't deny that it felt incredible to hit her with warps and throws that were powered by the full force of his biotics, even if it was only her in a superficial and physical sense.

More than that, it actually felt good to be fighting beside the actual Shepard again. They had worked so well together once on the SR-1, and he found that they slipped right back into step with one another. He had not expected that to happen so easily. The three of them made quite the impressive team.

Jane killing her own Clone left him with a bittersweet taste in his mouth. He had little hope that a Jane Shepard clone could be reformed, but stomping on her fingers until she let go of the side of the ship and plunged to her death may have been a little too harsh for his liking. He wasn't Jane, though, and he wasn't sure of any other positive alternatives. He'd never had to face an identity stealing clone before.

After the Clone was dispatched of, they still had Brooks to take into custody, but she refused to go quietly and ended up hacking out of her cuffs. John was the one who ended up taking her down when she tried to make a break for it. Kaidan wished their had been another alternative to that as well, but Brooks left them no choice.

"Come on. Maybe we can take some actual time off...no explosions or anything," Jane said as they were exiting the Normandy. The ship would need a few extra days of repairs after the firefight that occurred onboard and so would her crew.

"How about we throw a party, Kaidan?" John asked, throwing an arm over his shoulder.

"I think I need a long nap first," he replied.

They both laughed while they settled into the skycar to head back to the apartment. "I didn't mean tonight. Maybe tomorrow. You and I already have plans for the rest of the day anyway," he grinned.

"What kind of plans?" Kaidan asked, raising a questioning brow. "Haven't we had enough excitement for one day?"

"Yeah, but I thought since Jane is going out tonight, we'd have us our own little date night."

"Jane's going out tonight?" Joker asked from the front seat. "With who? Like a date? Why am I always the last one to know about these things?"

"Joker, you're the first to know everything," John pointed out. "Your girlfriend is literally the eyes and ears of the ship."

"That's my point! I must be slipping," he said, shaking his head in disappointment. They all turned to Jane as she got in the skycar next to Joker. "So, uh, hot date tonight?"

She scoffed and closed her door. "I was left to suffocate in an airtight vault by my evil clone today, Joker. Just get me somewhere that has alcohol."

"Aye, aye, Commander," he droned as he started the engine.

It was a short and quiet ride back to Tiberius Towers. When they arrived, Kaidan made his way straight to the kitchen to grab a few slices of left over pizza. He didn't even bother heating it up. "Spirits, I'm famished," he mumbled through a mouthful.

John retrieved two beers from the fridge and took out the whole pizza box. "Come on," he said gesturing for Kaidan to follow along. He led them upstairs to their bedroom where they ate pizza and stripped out of their armor.

After finishing off the pizza and beers, they took a quick shower and fell into bed in exhaustion. Kaidan was just happy he was able to have that long nap, but it was cut short by a message regarding a certain tankbred Krogan son of theirs.

"It's like having a teenager that's the size of both of us combined," John groaned as they got dressed.

"I must say, this is the most restless shore leave I have ever had," Kaidan said.

When they got back to the apartment after talking C-Sec out of arresting Grunt for his 'birthday' celebrations, Jane was just heading out. "I won't be back tonight, so don't wait up," she said as she rushed past them out the door.

"So it is a hot date...why don't you and I go out tonight too, Kaidan?" John suggested.

"How about I make you dinner and we watch Blasto?" Kaidan bargained. He was still tired from their adventure on the Normandy, and the thought of going out was not an appealing one. Of course, he was more of a homebody anyway. And he was happy he got to spend a quiet night alone with his husband in their home.

"Sounds perfect. Maybe tomorrow night we can convince Jane to double with us."

All Kaidan could do was smile and nod as he started dinner.


	37. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A double date, a party, and Thessia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels like a hodgepodge, but I hope it doesn't feel rushed or disjointed. And I didn't recount the Citadel party just because I knew I couldn't do that brilliance justice. Enjoy!

_I sat down on the street, took a look at myself_   
_Said where you going man, you know the world is headed for hell_   
_Say your goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to_   
_I believe the world is burning to the ground_   
**_-How Far We've Come, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

"What's the big deal?" Kaidan asked. He and John were having breakfast when Joker sent them a message recapping Jane's hot date. Him and EDI had spotted her and Samantha at the Castle Arcade looking cozy after Traynor beat an Asari in a Kepesh-Yakshi tournament.

"It's just...Sam and Jane?" John groaned, shaking his head. "I just don't see it."

Kaidan took a sip of juice and smiled over the rim at his befuddled husband. "I think it's cute."

"No Kaidan, Jane and 'cute' do not go in the same sentence. Sam is our friend, she's...sweet and innocent and Jane's...well she's _Jane._ You won't sleep under the same roof as her without a dozen other people in the house, but Sam sleeping in the same bed as her is fine? How does that make sense?"

Kaidan shot a scowl his way, "First of all, she hasn't tried to kill Sam, and second, do you really want to get into that again?"

"No," John sighed, pushing around his eggs with his fork. "It's just that I don't want to see either of them get hurt."

"And by that, you mean Sam?"

John looked at him for a moment, the gears clearly spinning in his brain, before turning back to his plate, "Both."

"John, sweetheart, these are terrible days. Wherever they can find happiness, they should take it. Maybe Sam will be a good influence on her," Kaidan said as he stood up from the island and took both of their plates to the sink. "How about we not meddle in other people's love lives and worry about our own."

John frowned over at him, "I thought we were good?"

Kaidan gave him an adoring smile over his shoulder and winked before turning back to the sink, "We're better than good...I was thinking more along the lines of us going upstairs and maybe burning off some more calories."

"James and Steve are going to be here soon to watch the game," John said as he made his way over to Kaidan and wrapped his arms around him, lips dancing along his neck. "But I think they can entertain themselves for a few minutes."

"What do you mean 'a few minutes?' " Kaidan teased, grinding his ass back into his husband.

"Far enough," John chuckled. He took Kaidan's hand and led him upstairs. Glyph was kind enough to let Steve and James in when they arrived.

*****

"I don't know how I let you talk me into this, K," John grumbled, pulling on his N7 hoodie.

"I remember it started with something like this," Kaidan smirked as he leaned in and planted a heated kiss on John's lips.

"You don't play fair, Major," John smirked.

"It's just dinner with your sister and her _friend._ Girlfriend? Besides, you were the one who said you wanted to spend time together as a family. The only reason I'm going is because we agreed on a public place with lots of witnesses...and beer."

"I'll protect you!" he teased, picking Kaidan up and pinning him against the closest wall.

"Stop!" Kaidan insisted, attempting to wiggle out of John's grip. It was difficult to do when those plump lips were attacking his neck with such conviction, but he was eventually able to break free. "I know what you're doing and it won't work. We are going."

John grabbed his arm before he could get out of reach and pinned him again using his biotics, "I just thought there were more _productive_ things we could be doing with our time."

"Now who's playing dirty?"

"Fine, we'll go...but I can't promise to behave," he said as he discontinued his biotics.

"You never do," Kaidan quipped. He took John's hand as they started down the stairs.

They soon left their apartment and headed towards the restaurant Jane had linked them to. When they arrived, her and Samantha were whispering quietly into each other's ears. Kaidan thought they looked quite happy together. He really did wish the best for Jane.

Of course, he couldn't help but feel a little selfish about that. If Jane had someone else to focus on in a positive way, perhaps that would take some of the negative attention away from him. He wasn't sure how any of Jane's previous relationships had gone—she didn't like to talk about them—but from the look on John's face, he wasn't as assured by the display.

"Hey ladies," Kaidan said, announcing their arrival.

"Hey guys," Sam replied as she sat up straight and reached for her wine glass. "Have you both had a chance to recover from the whole Close 'incident?' "

"That we have," Kaidan nodded.

"And then some," John added, moving to pull out Kaidan's chair.

"I had no idea you were so chivalrous," Jane said in a bored tone as she rolled her eyes at John.

"Never felt the need to be before. Guess marriage changes you," he said, shrugging her off. "What's good here? Think the steak is real beef?" he asked as he buried his face in the menu. Kaidan could tell he was uncomfortable and placed a hand on his knee to pledge his silent support.

"I'm not sure you want to know the answer to that," Kaidan whispered to him when the waiter approached to take their drink order, his hand sliding up his thigh. John chuckled low and Kaidan witness Jane and Sam in a similar exchange across the table.

"Sooo...," John said.

Kaidan knew he was going to start grilling Jane about her relationship with Sam. He couldn't help but smirk to himself because he was pretty sure the situation was supposed to be the other way around. John was acting like Sam was the younger sister he needed to protect. That wasn't too far fetched, though. Everyone knew Jane could take care of herself and kick anyone's ass that needed it, but Sam wasn't exactly combat trained. Not in the way that the three Spectres were.

"How did your tournament go, Sam?" Kaidan interrupted, hoping to derail John's line of questioning. He shot a look at his husband, a silent plea for him to behave, but the look John gave him back spoke of annoyance instead of agreement.

"It went well, thank you. I won thanks to the Commander here," Traynor replied, looking to Jane with big brown doe eyes.

"How many times do I need to tell you? It's Jane when we're off duty," Jane snickered.

"Sooo," John tried again, not giving Kaidan another chance to interrupt, "How long has this been going on and just what the hell do you think your doing?"

"John?" Kaidan chided.

Jane glowered at him. "Hey, you want me to stay out of your relationship? You stay out of mine!" she hissed.

"Since when have you ever stayed out of any of my relationships?" John asked in a low growl.

"I've only ever tried to protect you."

"And I want to protect Sam. I know your record Jane, and it's not good."

"John!" Kaidan admonished from beside him, squeezing his thigh. For the record, he was on that record.

"I'm a big girl, Captain. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much. Besides, I'm the one who initiated. I know what I'm getting myself into," Samantha said. She draped her arm over the back of Jane's chair and inched her way closer to her girlfriend.

John deflated at her words, and Kaidan mirrored Sam, removing the hand from his thigh to place around his husband's shoulders. He pressed his forehead into John's temple and whispered in his ear, "They are two grown adults who seem to like each other and know what they're doing. If they're happy, let them be."

"I just don't want to see either of you get hurt," John said.

"Nothing is a guarantee, especially not now, so let's just enjoy the evening before any merc commandos decide to storm the restaurant. I'd like to get one good meal in before we ship out," Jane replied.

"I completely agree," Kaidan said, shocked that he spoke those words about Jane. It seemed that they had disagreed on just about everything since she found out about him and John's relationship.

"How about a toast?" Sam asked, and Kaidan was glad for the redirect.

They all raised their glasses of shard wine, John with reluctance, and toasted to victory against the Reapers and strengthening relationships. The rest of their meal was spent talking about the Clone and Sam saving the day with her toothbrush. During dessert, John decided they should throw a party for the crew at the apartment, and they descended into party planning mode.

The couples parted after dinner, and John and Kaidan went to get supplies for the party before returning home. "They looked kind of cute together, don't you think?" Kaidan asked as they enjoyed a leisurely stroll through the Silversun Strip.

"If you say so...still thought she was going to end up with Garrus," John muttered.

"The heart wants what it wants. You should know that. Look what we went through trying to convince Jane of our love. If she's willing to give us a chance, then I think it's only fair we try to do the same for her. I know it took a lot, but I think she starting to come around and maybe part of that is thanks to Traynor," Kaidan said.

"I don't know, babe, it's just so out of the blue."

"It was a bit shocking, but love works in mysterious ways. Maybe it'll give her something worth fighting for. Like loving you has given me," Kaidan explained. He wrapped his arms around John as they settled into the elevator. His head would be a little wobbly once they got out and it had become routine to walked down the hallway to their door tangled together.

Once inside, John began to put away their groceries. "Back to the party...who do you think we should invite?"

"Everyone who can come. I don't think we should exclude anyone or leave anyone out."

"I must say that I'm going to miss Jack. I can't believe she's been stuck on Earth for this whole damn war," John sighed.

Kaidan hadn't mentioned anything to John yet, but he knew Jack was currently on the Citadel for some meetings with Kahlee Sanders about getting more biotics helping with the war effort. She wanted to come by and show off some biotic varren she rescued, but he sent her a message once the party planning started and they decided to surprise him.

The two curled up on the couch after and watched a few Blasto movies until they fell asleep snuggled up together. Kaidan had intended to go back to the Normandy since Shepard said she'd be sleeping in the apartment that night. But when he woke up a few hours later to feminine laughter when Jane showed up with Sam, he decided not to bother.

He figured that she would be too preoccupied to try anything stupid that night. He really hoped they were moving in the right direction. Dinner had gone well, they hadn't fought in several days, and they had found some common ground in Samantha. Maybe things were turning around for them. Or maybe it was just a good day. Regardless, he would take it.

*****

The crew was still hungover when they returned to the Normandy. The party had been a complete success and everyone had an amazing time. Kaidan had a bad feeling that it would be the last time they were all in the same room together for a long while, and he didn't even want to think about the possibility of some not making it to the other side of the war.

Jack had to rush back to Earth. She hadn't wanted to talk about the state of things, Kaidan couldn't blame her, but she did mention that everyone was doing their best to hold the line and told them to hurry their asses up and find a way to win the war.

Jacob showed off the sonogram of his unborn child to everyone who would give him the chance. Kaidan hoped him and John could do the same some day. Miranda got called away early on business, but it was nice to reconnect with her as well.

Grunt said he was being put in charge of assembling the new Aralakh Company. He promised not to get into anymore trouble, but Kaidan wasn't exactly holding his breath. Their little tankbred had been adorable following Liara around most of the night. Kaidan wasn't sure she noticed. For someone whose business it was to know everything, she sometimes missed the obvious.

And while he didn't say anything about it, he noticed Garrus and Tali making eyes at each other all night...as much as he could notice Tali's eyes through her mask. He liked to think he could read her body language at least.

All in all, it was a fun party. Kaidan's heart went out to all the people who were fighting while they were laughing and joking around, drinking and dancing, but if anyone deserved a break it was the crew of the Normandy. Because even their shore leave wasn't free from danger and the threat of death.

Kaidan was just as happy to be back aboard. He and John knew they were incredibly lucky to have a little time to reconnect and recharge with such an amazing group of people whom they considered family, but it was time to get back out there and fight, to help put an end to the Reapers, and to do their part to help save the rest of the galaxy from certain death.

As soon as they left the docking bay, Jane had assembled the team for a briefing. She informed them that she had just returned from a meeting with the Asari Councilor and that they would be heading to Thessia after Irissa revealed the location of the ancient Temple of Athame that may help shed some light on the Catalyst.

Liara had insisted on being on the ground team. It was her homeworld and Shepard didn't have any objections. Javik was set to join them when they arrived. Kaidan went back down to the SO afterward they were dismissed to finish up some Spectre reports while John stayed in the war room.

They made good time to Thessia. Liara was a nervous wreck the whole flight, but Kaidan and John tried their best to distracted her. They hadn't had as much time together as they did on the SR-1, and it was nice to be able to catch up a little. She stayed busy with her Shadow Broker work while he and John helped sort through files with Glyph, not that the VI needed any.

Once they arrived in orbit above the Asari homeworld, Kaidan found himself in the war room beside his husband. He knew John would be monitoring the team's progress from there, and he wanted to provide him with emotional and combat support if it was needed. They were both in their armor, just in case.

There were multiple Reapers in the atmosphere and more were approaching every minute. The Normandy's stealth systems hid them well, but it was a horrible thought knowing that the Asari ships didn't have the same protection. Having to listen to the distress calls that were coming in from around the planet was devastating. The fact that he knew the same thing was happening all over the galaxy was almost too much to fathom.

Shepard's reports were hard to hear as well. Every time there was a registered spike in her heart rate, John tensed beside him, knuckles white on the datapad he was holding. At one point, Kaidan thought he was going to crush the mug of coffee he had in his hand. Kaidan made sure to take it away from him before he could.

It was a relief when the team finally made it to the temple. The mood in the room lifted when news hit that they had found the Prothean artifact they were searching for. That was until Shepard relayed that Kai Leng had also shown up. John was ready to take a shuttle down to kick the guy's ass for killing Thane, but unfortunately Cortez was already in route to the ground team's location.

They couldn't risk taking the Normandy into orbit with the Reapers advancing so quickly and were instead forced to wait it out. They could only hope the team could take him down or hold out long enough for their extraction. It was the most intense few moments they had faced so far and Kaidan knew they wouldn't be the last.

He and John went down to meet the team in the shuttle bay after they were safely picked up. Understandably, Jane was furious when she arrived onboard. She was ripping off her armor and cursing Cerberus, Kai Leng, and anything else she could think of. She had every right to be, the assassin made off with the data and they were back to square one.

While Jane was furious, Liara was crushed. She had witnessed the fall of her homeworld to the Reapers first hand. Kaidan helped her up to her room and offered to make her some tea, but she said she wanted to be alone for awhile. He didn't think it was a good idea but left anyway.

John had gotten him lunch and had managed to calm Jane down enough to sit still at the table while she drank an energy drink. She was beating herself up pretty badly about not being able to stop Leng.

"Janie, the bastard doesn't play by the rules. He's a highly trained, highly disturbed Cerberus operative," John reasoned.

"If the damn Asari would've cooperated from the beginning this wouldn't be happening!" she raised her voice.

"There's nothing we can do to change that. The rest of the Galaxy made some huge mistakes, but all we can do now is try to keep our heads down and work with what we've got."

"Is anyone really surprised the Council wasn't more helpful?" Joker asked. "Those assholes have been getting in our way since day one, since Saren went rogue. We really shouldn't expect anything more from them at this point, Commander."

"Joker's right, Shepard. Everything we've accomplished has been because of you and this team," Kaidan added. "We just need to remember that and keep pushing forward."

"How are we supposed to do that without any leads, _Kaidan?_ " she spat. Just this once, he wasn't going to take that personally. She had a bad fucking day.

"We'll find one," John said.

"We're Spectres, we're supposed to be tools of the Council, but how the hell can we do our jobs if they don't give us the means to do so? We could've been there weeks, months ago and this wouldn't have happened," Jane said. "We could've already had this war won. How many lives have they cost us?"

"Like I said, Janie, we can't do anything about the past. What we can do is look for new leads and hope we figure out whatever it is the Illusive Man has planned before it's too late."

"How's Liara?" Garrus asked as he approached from the Main Battery. The table looked at him; most would've been thankful for the change in subject matter if the new one hadn't been just as depressing.

"She's pretty broken up. I think someone should talk to her. She said she wanted to be alone, but I'm not sure that's the best idea," Kaidan replied. He looked to John and everyone else followed his lead.

"By someone you mean me," John said more than asked as he got up. His tray was only half empty, but Kaidan didn't think anyone had much of an appetite after witnessing the mess they left Thessia in.

"You are her best friend," Joker called after him.

 _"Commander? I think Traynor has found something,"_ EDI broke in over the comms.

"One my way," Jane sighed as she stood. Garrus took her spot at the table and the conversation when back to talk of Thessia. They had only see it from orbit and vids, but it was a haunting sight. The cries for help were even harder to stomach. He knew it was a shitty thought while a whole race was close to extinction, but Kaidan just hoped Earth wasn't that far gone.

He pecked at his tray of rations for awhile as he waited for John. He wasn't sure how long he would be in there with Liara. She was pretty distraught, and he knew it would take awhile to talk her down. She was beating herself up as well, but having to witness your homeworld obliterated before your eyes was something no one should have to witness. The whole thing was the exact opposite of their mission on Rannoch.

Shortly after Jane went up to the CIC, she ordered Joker to the cockpit and called another briefing. Sam had found them a lead regarding Kai Leng and they were already in route by the time the team assembled in the war room.

"Our brilliant comms specialist, Ms. Traynor, has tracked a signal to Horizon," Shepard said, the smile she shot to her girlfriend was replaced with a frown when her eyes met Kaidan's.

"Horizon?" Kaidan asked, not able to keep the memories from resurfacing from his last visit there.

That was were everything between him and Jane fell apart—maybe that happened when she died, maybe long before—but their fight would be one he'd never forget, neither would the shuttle ride back to the Citadel after. It set him on a path to John. Then again, maybe that path had always been there.

"Kaidan and I have some unfinished business—"

"You aren't going without me," John interrupted, moving to stand slightly in between them.

"Afraid I'll shoot him again, Johnny?" she challenged, green eyes narrowing in on him.

"That isn't funny!"

"I'll go," Liara volunteered.

"Liara, you need more time," Jane said. "And would you relax, John, I was planning on taking you too. Some times you can be so _dramatic,_ " she mocked, throwing the words he said to Kaidan back at him.

"You did want more family bonding," Kaidan whispered to him as he placed a comforting hand on John's bicep. His shoulders relaxed when Kaidan gave him a reaffirming squeeze.

John moved back in place beside Kaidan, "Alright, let's make sure we get the bastard this time then."

"I couldn't agree more," Jane smiled, dark and twisted, and Kaidan was so glad it was directed at someone else for a change.


	38. Cerberus Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horizon, Cronos, and the end of Cerberus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I feel like I flew through both of these missions, but I hate writing in-game scenes and gameplay. Hopefully it doesn't feel rushed. And once again, I'm not sure how I feel about Jane here. I've struggle this whole fic trying to nail her down and I just can't figure her out. :p Enjoy!
> 
> Also, updates will be on Thursdays going forward, just fyi!

_And if I need some other loving_  
_Give me more than I can stand_  
_And when my smile gets old and faded_  
_Wait around, I'll smile again_  
**_-Bent, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**John**

“Suit up, we’re about to hit Horizon,” Jane said when she walked into the mess. John was having lunch with Kaidan, Tali, and Garrus when she approached.

“All of us?” John teased with a smirk before shoveling the last few spoonfuls of some awful fake teriyaki chicken into his mouth. He didn’t want to know what it really was as he swallowed most of it without much chewing, the spicy tang not enough to mask the taste of cardboard.

“No, just Kaidan,” she answered, tilting her head in challenge.

“If Kaidan’s going, I’m going!” he protested around a mouthful.

“Changed my mind. I thought it would be more fitting if it was just the two of us,” Jane shrugged with a half grin, looking back and forth between them.

John knew she was trying to get a rise out of him; they had already established that it would be the three of them on the ground team. “What happened to making it a family affair?” 

“Fiiine,” she droned, rolling her eyes, “Just hurry the hell up and get ready. ETA is twenty. Be on the shuttle or I’ll take someone else.”

“Aye, aye, Commander,” John bit out with a clipped, sarcastic tone and a mock salute. Jane countered with a slap on the back of his head as she walked away. All he could do was scowl at her retreating form as he rubbed the spot with one hand and picked up his tray with the other. “Are you sure you're okay with this, babe?” he asked his husband who was following a half step behind.

“Yes, for the thousandth time...just as long as you promise me we won't separate like last time," Kaidan said with a nervous half smile that didn't reach his eyes. They both dumped their trays and started for the SO to get ready for the mission.

"Promise...we're just going to go in a find out what the hell the Cerberus bastards are doing there."

"Not sure anything can make it worse than the last time I was here,” Kaidan frowned. “It wasn’t exactly my finest moment, personally or professionally. We both said things, both could’ve probably done things differently, but then I lost a lot of good people...it was a terrible day.”

“That wasn't on you, Kaidan,” he said rubbing his husband’s back, hoping the affectionate touch would help in some way. “I don’t think I told you, but I read your report."

“Hackett let you read it?" Kaidan asked in surprise. "When?”

“When you were sleeping the day we met. I hope since we’re married now this doesn’t sound too creepy, but after I read it, I watched you sleep for awhile, then I feel asleep,” John admitted as he looked down at his feet, too embarrassed to look anywhere else.

He couldn’t help but smile when Kaidan took his hand and interlaced their fingers, leaning in to whisper in his ear, “I watched you sleep too…still do.” He kissed John’s cheek and picked up the pace to their room.

“Love you, Major Alenko.”

“Love you too, _Captain,_ ” he said with a flirty wink.

He’d never get over the way Kaidan’s voice went all gravely when he spoke to him in his seductive bedroom voice. But he was kind of angry that they didn't have time to do anything about it right then. He wondered if his husband had any idea how much he affected him. The way Kaidan looked back at him over his shoulder with those big brown eyes made him think that he had a pretty good idea.

*****

They touched down on Horizon forty-five minutes later. The place was a disaster area and they had to fight through a round of Cerberus phantoms before they even made it in the door. The inside was deserted save for another round of Cerberus troops, and John had a sneaking suspicion that bad things had happened there, a feeling that was confirmed the further they moved into the facility.

They soon learned that Cerberus had been using the promise of shelter to lure innocent civilians in and experiment on them. Miranda Lawson’s father was in charge of the facility where they were turning the refugees into husks in an attempt to study indoctrination. It was a deplorable act against humanity, and John was at a loss for words at what he witnessed there.

Cerberus had to be stopped. At. All. Costs.

After following the trail Miranda had been kind enough to leave them—and fighting through hordes of Reapers—they had to face off with Miranda's father. They were too late to catch Kai Leng, the bastard having narrowly escaped, but at least the galaxy was one less asshole short when Miranda used her biotics to hurl her father out a window to his death.

As much as John liked to think family was something that you didn’t give up on, he understood that the Lawson family dynamics were beyond repair. She was a little shaken up about the whole thing, but he knew she was a strong woman and would be able to moved past what her father did to her, her sister, and to the countless people that came into the facility.

Miranda had been surprised to see the three of them together when they strolled through the door, guns drawn, and for once, not on each other. She’d been at the party and heard the tale of the Coup, but there was something hidden behind her eyes that John couldn’t quite decode. It was the look she had when they were going after the Collectors, the one that let you know she knew more than you did.

He sensed that something was weighing on her conscience, and unlike her father and the Illusive Man, she actually had one. She was once a high-level Cerberus operative, she knew how to keep secrets. He brushed it off, though. He didn’t have time to speculate on everything she had locked away in her head. They had a war to win.

She was probably just in shock after killing her father and seeing Kaidan and Jane together again. She had witnessed their infamous fight on Horizon firsthand. It must’ve been a strange sight to see them united on the planet once again in a more civil capacity as they fought side by side this time.

There had only been one incident of snide comments that he had to diffuse, something about Jane not willing to look at things from anyone else’s point of view. John had to admit that Kaidan was right on the money there. And that wasn’t just his bias sticking up for his husband; Jane was as stubborn as a mule when she wanted to be. He knew that better than anyone.

In the end, they got the job done: they shut down the facility, sent out a warning to any incoming vessels that the sanctuary was in fact a death trap, and headed back to the ship. Miranda and Oriana Lawson received an evac off the planet, and everyone was glad to be leaving the horrors behind.

If it were up to John, the whole planet of Horizon would be condemned. Maybe it had once been a giant burial ground for an ancient species because the bad mojo came off it in waves. That was the planet Jane should’ve blown up with a Mass relay.

The good news was that Miranda placed a tracker on Kai Leng, and with any luck, and some help from Traynor and EDI, they’d be able to track him wherever he went. If they were really lucky, he’d take them right to the Illusive Man himself. That was the plan as he and Jane brought Hackett up to speed on the situation.

It only took a couple of hours for the tracker to give them some sort of lead on the Cerberus base. They were in route after Kai Leng as soon as the shuttle was safety aboard, but having an exactly location of where he was heading would take a little more time. That gave everyone a chance to take a small breather.

As Hackett had said, the push to the Illusive Man’s base would be the first step in their strategy to retake Earth. They were going to cripple Cerberus and take them out of the war so they could focus all of their attention on defeating the Reapers. Once they committed, there would be no turning back. Understandably, Jane was a little nervous about giving the go ahead on such a major operation.

John and Kaidan took a quick shower when they got back onboard and shared a meal before John made his way up to Jane’s cabin. He wanted to talk to her about the mission and see how she was holding up after Horizon.

He, and a few other crewmembers that he talked to, had noticed a change in her since him and Kaidan had rejoined the crew. Her anger seemed more under control and her impulses were more in check. He was so proud of her turn around and he hoped she’d keep up the progress she’d made.

Or maybe she was just having a good month. Things with Jane were some times cyclical. He refused to acknowledge the irony of that.

He had suspected all along that she was feeling left out of his life and was kind of lost out there on her own after he found Kaidan. He didn’t want to compare it to her death—when she was floating around in the black waiting to die—but he imagined she felt a similar way after everything was brought out in the open.

She was acting out, crying out for attention, in the only way she knew how: with violence. That didn’t excuse her behavior, but he understood it. At times he felt like the only one who understood it, understood her. He was trying his best to help her deal with things and tried to include her as much as possible into his and Kaidan’s life.

And Kaidan was doing the same. He really lucked out on marrying the most patient, supportive man in the galaxy. Kaidan deserved a medal for putting up with both of them. He still couldn’t believe they were married, that a man as handsome and incredible as Kaidan chose him. But he did.

Of course, he also suspected that some of the changes in Jane had to do with Sam. They did make a cute couple, but he wasn’t going to let his guard down just yet. It was possible that Jane just needed someone to turn to when she was feeling at her lowest. He couldn’t blame her for that, but he hoped she wasn’t just using Sam for her own therapeutic reasons. Traynor was obviously smitten, but he always had a hard time reading Jane ‘in love.’

“Hey Janie, I brought your favorite,” he said, holding up a bottle of scotch as he entered her cabin. He didn’t bother to knock, and he had to smile at that. He remembered trying to bang down her door less than a year ago after their blowup on the Collector base. They really had come a long way.

“I could stand to get a little drunk,” she smirked as she swiveled around in her desk chair. She reached for two glasses and stood, leading them down to the small sitting area by her bed. She flopped down on the couch and propped her feet up. “What do you want?” she asked, cocking a quizzical brow.

John unscrewed the cap and began to fill the glasses with the amber liquid, laughing as he shook his head at her. “Just thought we could talk. Things feel like they are starting to move pretty quickly and I just wanted to make sure you’re holding up okay.”

“It’s not easy caring the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders,” she sighed, swirling the alcohol in her glass before taking a tentative sniff.

“Shall we toast?”

“Only if it’s to kicking Reaper ass!”

“It absolutely is!” he grinned, clinking glasses before they both downed their contents.

“Tell me we’re going to win this,” Jane said, her shoulders slumping as she dropped her feet to the floor.

She looked exhausted and he couldn’t blame her. He was doing everything he could to relieve her of some of the burden she was carrying, taking N7 missions where possible and going on Priority missions as well, but there was only one Commander Shepard now and she was it. She was the face of the war, and she had been from day one.

“We are going to win this war, Jane. You have done amazing things to unite the galaxy in this fight. You haven’t always done it the way I approve of, you’ve made mistakes, but you’re human and you’re getting the job done. That’s what people are going to remember when this is over,” John assured her.

He moved over to the couch beside her and placed an arm around her shoulder. She moved in close and rested her head on his shoulder. They sat there for a few moments in silence, just their breathing and the sounds coming from the ship and the bubbling of the empty fish tank filling the air.

There was something oddly tranquil about that. They rarely sat in silence together, but it was very much the calm before the storm. Both knew things were going to get worse before they got better, but John wanted to enjoy the peace while they had it. Soon, it would all be exchanged for explosions and gunfire.

“What if we don’t come back from this? What if I can’t come back from this? From where I’ve been?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper but still rumbled throughout the quiet room.

“We’re coming back,” John said, looking over to her. They had to come back, all of them. He wasn’t about to lose anyone else.

“What about…M-mordin? Wrex?”

“Once the war is over, we’ll find another way to cure the Genophage, in their honor. EDI saved all Mordin's data and research. I think we’ll be able to reverse it…if the rest of the galaxy is willing to help…or just another brilliant Silarian. But he was my friend Jane…I know he was ‘old’ in terms of Salarians, but he was still my friend and you murdered him.” He tried to sound as nonjudgmental as possible but he couldn’t disguise the pain in his voice. “And Wrex…I didn’t know him all that well, but…” he trailed off. What he wanted to say was that he didn’t have to die that way, but he figured she already knew as much.

“I have nightmares…they’re always in them…so is Ash…hell, even Jenkins and I only served with him for a few weeks. All of their blood is on my hands, okay? Plus a half a million innocent Batarians and gods only know whoever else. I know this!” she snapped before taking a few stuttered breaths. “ _I_ have to live with it everyday and I will until the day I die…none of them were easy, but I did my best!”

He let out a long-suffering sigh, “I know you are, and I have never questioned that, not for one single minute. You’ve had to make some tough calls, damn tough calls, and I can’t say what I would’ve done in your place, but I came up here to say that I’m proud of what you’ve done since then.

“I’m proud of you for trying to make things work with Kaidan even though I know it hasn’t been easy on you. I’m proud that you are the one leading this war, who’ll lead us to victory, and I’m damn proud that you’re my sister.”

He paused and pulled her closer to him until her cheek rested on his chest, both arms curled around her as he gently placed his chin on the top of her fiery hair. “We are going to win this war, and then we’re going to take a nice long vacation, rebuild the galaxy, and live a long boring life afterwards,” he soothed.

“Ugh, you’re such a sappy romantic. It’s really disgusting,” she droned. “No wonder Kaidan fell for your sorry ass.”

“Hey, he likes my ass!”

“We have great asses in our family,” she laughed, and he was glad to hear it.

“Kaidan has a nice ass,” John shrugged. Gods, it was perfect.

“So does Sam.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Liar! You’re gay, not blind!” she chided. Jane pulled away to reach for the bottle of scotch on the coffee table, “Refill?”

“Definitely.”

They drank a few more rounds and talked a little more about strategy and the war effort. It was the first time in a long time that John truly felt like things were going to work out. He knew her and Kaidan still had a long way to go to repair the rift between them, but it was starting to look more like a river now than the Grand Canyon, and they might actually have a chance with the Crucible.

He left her cabin in a good mood. When he reached the Starboard Observatory, the lights were low. He was expecting Kaidan to be napping or meditation on the previous mission. Horizon hadn’t been easy on him. But instead, he found him curled up in a ball on the couch.

John knew instantly that he had a migraine as he hurried to his side, dropping to his knees by the couch. “Baby, you need to go to the med-bay?” he whispered as softly as possible into his ear as he ran fingers through thick raven locks.

“Just took some meds…just need sleep,” Kaidan murmured into the pillow his face was buried in.

John took off his uniform and undressed Kaidan, popping off his boots and his uniform shirt. He retrieved a blanket and locked the door before typing a message to EDI to not disturb them unless it was an emergency. She already knew, but he knew it made her feel more included when crewmembers communicated to her directly.

He squeezed onto the couch behind Kaidan and pulled him close. It took them a moment to get comfortable, but once they were, he massaged Kaidan’s amp port until he fell asleep, John joining him soon after. They struggled through a fitful sleep that they were both disturbed from several times when the Major had to vomit, but John did his best to offer whatever comfort he could to his ailing husband.

They were both glad the migraine began to subside the next day, but Kaidan wasn’t up for a trip to the mess hall. John was happy to bring him breakfast in bed with the promise of checking on him later before he joined Jane in the war room.

EDI and Traynor had pinpointed the location of the Illusive Man’s base and Jane was just about to give the order to Hackett to mobilize the troops when he walked in the door. An intelligence officer handed him several datapads that brought him up to speed on fleet movements and resources, and he tried to mentally prepare himself for the long battle he knew was ahead of them.

“Who are you taking to the base?” John asked when Jane returned from her vidcall with Hackett.

She thought for a moment before answering, “I was thinking EDI and Garrus….”

“EDI is a good choice. She might be helpful since she was a Cerberus bot. I wouldn’t mind going, but I think Garrus is getting a little stir crazy or whatever the Turian equivalent would be,” he smirked.

Jane rolled her eyes, “If I hear him say the word ‘calibrate’ one more time, I might be the one going crazy.”

“He usually reserves that for the main battery…or when he doesn’t want to talk to someone. It was just a suggesting. If things are still weird between—”

“We’re fine,” she cut in. “I’m glad I let him back aboard. It was awkward at first, but we talked it out.”

John was glad to hear that. It seemed that she was trying to repair relationships with everyone. He knew him and Kaidan were mostly responsible for their breakup—he felt responsible anyway—and he had secretly hoped they’d be able to find a way back to each other. But according to scuttlebutt, Tali liked the way he ‘calibrating’ things, so maybe things were going exactly the way they were supposed to.

John had Kaidan, Jane had Sam, and Garrus might’ve had Tali. James and Steve were going strong, Joker had EDI, and even the Donnelly and Daniels had found love aboard the Normandy. Hell, he even saw Adams sneaking out of the med-bay one morning. And he didn’t even want to think about what Liara and Javik did together. They might have to rename the ship to the Love Boat, but he didn’t think Joker would approve. Nor Hackett.

John and Jane both took some time to visit with their enamored crew on their flight to Cronos Station. They played a poker game with James in which Jane beat everyone and he and Kaidan got a little tipsy with Tali. Garrus decided to watch form the sidelines where he happily made fun of them.

It had been both the longest and shortest trek across space John had ever taken in his career, but once they got there, he went into warrior mode. His usually routine of watching the ground team’s vitals like a hawk went out the window thanks to the battle that waged outside the station. They were flying with the stealth systems engaged, but they still offered support to the Alliance Fleet that was taking out Cerberus shuttles and ships as they fled.

Juggling reports from the Fleet and reports from the ground team had his head spinning, but Kaidan was back to full health and stayed close by offering support, both tactical and moral. His presence alone did wonders to settle John’s nerves.

When Jane finally commed to let them know Kai Leng had been killed, he let out a sigh of relief. Two assholes down, one to go. However, the small victory was short-lived when she informed him that the Illusive Man was still kicking, but at least Cerberus was out of commission.

Shortly after receiving the Intel from Jane, they got word from Hackett that the Citadel had been moved to Earth. It turned out that it was the Catalyst they’d spent the last several weeks searching for, and he had a hunch it was now in the hands of the Illusive Man. The Crucible was in route to Earth, as were the other Alliance Fleets, and as soon as the ground team was safely aboard, they would be too.

Everything they’d been fighting for, the entire war was going to be won—or lost—on Earth. He just hoped that all of the things he said to Jane were the truth, that they’d all make it out on the other side. And from the look Kaidan gave him at the news, he knew his husband was hoping for the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI: I updated this chapter after making a few changes to the beginning to make it flow better with the previous chapter.


	39. The Song of Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Kaidan's last night together before the Battle for Earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter _wrecked_ me. I've spent the last several days crying as I wrote this and if you don't get some major feels from this, then you, my friend, are dead inside.

_I am the sound of love's arriving_   
_Echoed softly on the sand_   
_Lay your head upon my shoulder_   
_Lay your hand within my hand_   
_I give you all that I am_   
**_-All That I Am, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

The Normandy was quiet after Shepard gave the order to return to Earth. She made an announcement over the comms that brought with it a heavy weight that settled in around them. The three Spectres made the rounds giving little nuggets of encouragement to anyone and everyone. It felt like something in between a pep talk and a goodbye tour, but Kaidan didn’t want to dwell on that.

The ground team had a nice meal together after and talked about anything but ‘work’. Tali regaled them with a few tales from her early days on pilgrimage, Garrus countered with his weirdest stories from his C-Sec days, and Liara even went on the record about a few strange encounters she had after taking over as the Shadow Broker.

Kaidan slipped out early to attempt to contact his mother. He hadn’t heard from her in over a month and was starting to worry. John had suggested talking to Anderson to try and get a message through but he couldn’t justify using up so many resources just for him. There were so many others out there that wanted to contact home on the eve of the big battle, and as much as it pained him, he would have to suck it up like the rest of them.

He tried his best to think positive thoughts about their odds, about the galaxy making it out in one piece, about the refugee camp his mother had set up at the orchard and if she was even still alive, about his and John’s future. But he’d admit that the closer they traveled to Earth, the harder those good thoughts were to find, and even harder were they to hold on to.

Kaidan sat on the floor with his legs crossed as he gazed out the big observation window into the immense collection of stars. There were entire galaxies out there among them, and he wondered if there were beings in them going through similar trials.

In the end, he concluded that life itself had always been about the struggle for existence, and if life was out there among those pinpricks of light—which he was pretty sure it was—than others were surely going through their own struggles. He wasn't sure if that made him feel better or just very, very small.

John came into the SO a half hour after he did. He was glad his husband didn’t say anything. Instead, he sat down beside him, crossed his legs too, and fixed his eyes on the twinkling lights in the distance. His hand found Kaidan’s and he weaved their fingers together giving a little squeeze that simply said ‘I'm here.’

There weren’t many words left to say if he was being honest. He knew John loved him, and he was sure John knew he loved him back, knew he’d be fighting like hell for him, for their future more than anything. Maybe that fact made him selfish or cold, but he really didn’t care.

Kaidan wouldn’t call himself a religious man, but he had everything he’d ever need beside him and it felt like as good a time as any to pray to all the gods that might’ve been willing to listen for it to stay that way for as long as he was still breathing.

John inched closer to him slowly like a glacier moving over land dragging everything with it and gorging ruts into the ground, except those ruts were ridges in his heart and on his soul that were now filled in with parts of himself, cementing them together.

“I love you,” John whispered, and Kaidan turned his head to look at him.

Gods, his eyes were so blue, so open that he fell right into them, right into him, just like the first time, was swallowed up and carried out to sea by the heartfelt sincerity that shown through them like a beacon of hope, the lighthouse keeping him afloat, because that’s what he was, and that’s what he always would be. No matter what.

“I love you too,” Kaidan replied, leaning his forehead onto John’s. They stayed like that for a while, breathing in the soothing scent of home, of safety, of a shelter he never wanted to leave because what if this was it?

“We’re gonna make it,” his husband said like he was reading his thoughts, and maybe he was, maybe he didn't have to. “You’re gonna make it out the other side of this, and I’m going to make it out the other side, and even if we get separated along the way, know that I will find you.”

“I know,” he said, his voice so full of raw emotion that he hardly recognized it.

But he recognized those lips when they crashed into him like the waves of the Pacific, strong and eternal yet petal-soft. John carded a hand through his hair, so tender it hurt, and then he was pulling him in and fusing their bodies together just like their souls had always been.

“I will _always_ find you,” John said, a glistening tear rolling down his cheek. “Don’t you ever doubt that.”

“I never have,” Kaidan replied. And he never would.

John kissed him again, a slow, deep meaningful meeting of mouths that Kaidan knew was making angels cry on high from its unadulterated splendor. He never wanted to stop kissing that man, not until the day he died. And not even then.

He untucked John’s shirt and stripped it from him—tossing the offending garment away like it scorched him—and trailed his fingers down his chest. They paused and hovered over his heart feeling the familiar cadence beating its rhythm like a hymn, one that John said had always chanted “Kai-dan.”

His shirt was lost after and he rejoiced in the feel of John’s heated skin next to his when his husband snaked his arms around him to pull him flush. The man was a drug, better than any red sand he’d ever gotten his hands on, and he knew that death from withdrawal would be a much crueler fate than the Reapers could ever hope to dream up.

Lips fluttered down to his neck, juicy lips frolicking over his skin with more grace than the most expert dancer, fluid and divine. Then fingers were working on his belt, him floundering on John’s, a hurried rush to get the rest of the barriers out from between them.

John laid him down on the floor and covered his body with his own, mouth moving lower with each delicate caress. He twirled his tongue around a nipple before sucking the erect protrusion into his mouth. Kaidan moaned an encouraging sound when he sucked a bit harder. He left it with a kiss and moved over to the other, making sure to give it equal treatment all the while never taking his eyes of Kaidan's.

And he let himself get lost in the moment, in John, in the feel of their bodies sliding alongside one another as his husband moved lower still, over the peaks of his abs, down to the valleys of his hipbones, and into the canyon of his thighs, gentle kisses setting his skin on fire wherever they touched.

There were no nips or bites, not this time; this was about love, about reassurance, about the necessity to build an eternal memory. Kaidan wasn’t naïve; he was well aware they were both potentially going to their death, but that thought was pushed out of his mind by the feel of John’s lips on his most sensitive flesh.

He gave a few rousing kisses on the head of his cock before he moved down the side to suck a plump ball into his mouth. Kaidan’s body quaked with wanton need when he whirled his tongue around the orb, stoking the fire already raging inside him to dizzying heights. John let go to take the other in as well, mouthing over his perineum on his way by.

“Want you,” Kaidan breathed, hands gliding over the velvety fuzz on John’s head.

The man looked up, those ferociously blue eyes answering him without words. He moved his lips back up Kaidan’s shaft and sucked in the moistened head beading with arousal as he hollowed out his cheeks, the movement highlighting those perfectly sculpted cheekbones that Kaidan couldn’t help but run a thumb across.

John gave him a few shallow bobs and a few swirls of his tongue then released him with an obscenely wet pop and a loving smile. He pushed himself up on all fours and crawled over to their stash of goodies to grab a bottle of lube, swaying his ass seductively as Kaidan held in a whimper. Gods, was that a sight to behold.

The Captain had just dropped the bottle beside him when Kaidan wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him down. Their bodies conformed to each other as they shared another impassioned kiss. Kaidan wanted more, he craved more: of the taste of his lips, of the feel of his skin under his battle-hardened hands, of the way his muscles moved below them.

He needed all of him.

John pulled up and gave a subtle tilt of his head but Kaidan knew he was gesturing to the couch. He gave a nod of agreement and they slinked over. They were probably a little too old to be rolling around on the floor anyway.

Kaidan climbed up first, deciding that if this was it, then he wanted to feel John inside him one last time. “Will you make love to me?”

Once again John molded himself on top of him, eyes glossy with a thousand unshed tears Kaidan knew he was doing his damnedest to hold back. He nodded as he leaned in for a bruising kiss that was seared onto Kaidan’s soul with a hot brand.

“Love you,” John muttered against his lips.

“Love you too, sweetheart.”

John rolled over slightly onto his side and took hold of Kaidan’s cock. He gave several sensual passes up and down the length of him before swiping his thumb over the slit, the motion causing Kaidan's hips to jerk up unwittingly as he let out a gasp that John smothered with a kiss.

He let go to search for the lube on the floor. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Kaidan could only nod, his tongue seemingly too tied to convey the words for how much he truly was.

His husband gave him a sweet smile as he popped open the top to squirt a few drops of lubricant onto his fingers. He'd grabbed the warming kind and Kaidan's hips bucked upward when a slick finger began to tease at his tight entrance, doing so a little longer than he would’ve liked before pushing into him.

With it came the only string of letters Kaidan was capable of saying, John’s name as it was exhaled in worship, in awe, into the quiet room safe for the sound of their breathing and the purr of the ship as it carried them across the galaxy to meet their fate.

John slid in another finger beside the first, Kaidan's body loosening and stretching while he alternated the scissoring of his fingers with deliberate thrusts. Kaidan didn’t want to rush it, but he was about to be burnt to ash by the yearning desire to have John in him, to have their bodies joined so intimately and so seamlessly into one.

“Baby, please,” he murmured after he’d had as much as he could take.

“Is that enough?” John asked, a hint of concern in his tone when Kaidan let out a soft whimper at the removal of his fingers.

“Please,” he repeated because that’s all that was needed.

John squeezed a little more lube on his fingers and closed the lid before dropping the bottle back to the floor. He wound Kaidan’s leg over his hip, and a few seconds later, Kaidan felt the glorious pressure of John’s cock pressing into him, their bodies vibrating with pleasure as he inched forward bit by painstakingly slow bit.

They took a moment to breath each other in again once John was fully seated within him, their breathing synchronizing as Kaidan did his best to commit every detail to memory. This was his favorite part, the quiet before the storm, the lull between the waves, despite the fact that he had a feeling they were heading for the biggest one yet.

He wanted more time before they capsized, before they had to go off to war, back to being soldiers, to staring death in the face, their one chance a weapon that had never been used and a galaxy desperate for salvation as it threatened to crumble all around them.

But he was already crumbling, when John kissed him and drew his hips back—Kaidan’s hands falling down his sides; when John was moving back in—a different kind of wave washing over him; when John was pressing loving kisses to his unquenchable lips—parched and dying of thirst in the middle of the ocean.

And he could taste the salt as tears rained down on him unabashedly, bittersweet to mix with his own. A warm breeze wafted over him on every one of John’s exhales and heat bathed his body as their biotics crackled around them.

This was it, this was everything there ever was and ever would be again. _This_ was the cycle worth preserving: John surging into him, hands twisted in his hair, hearts hammering in time, and moans tumbling out from achy lungs growing louder as they approached their peak.

“Love you so much,” John rasped in his ear, something akin to a primeval moan and a breathy pant. “So beautiful.”

“Gods, I love you too,” Kaidan moaned as John started to roll his hips with more vigor. His abs were undulating over Kaidan’s stiff length with every prodding pass providing just the right amount of that hallowed friction.

His body was starting to hum the song of lovers, the sweetest notes ever known, every atom a piece of the orchestra as it built up its crescendo, John’s joining in, his own melodic music in perfect harmony with Kaidan's own, just like every time before, just like every time he hoped to come.

He didn’t want this to be it, the end, the coda to their song, the prologue to their story. He wanted a lifetime of stupid jokes, of arguing with Jane, of making love on couches, and fights over dishes in the sink. He wanted lazy anniversaries and burnt birthday dinners, irresponsible kids crashing C-Sec skycars, and teething babies crying out.

John buried his face in his neck, and an airy sigh of “Kaidan” against his skin had them falling apart, breaking at the seams and into pieces as he spilt out on their stomachs, his hands clinging to his lifeline as John burst within, hips not stilling until they were both wrung dry, both spent and every smoldering ember they lit extinguished.

He could feel John shuddering on top of him, himself a quivering mess as his muscles continued to spasm and convulse from when his orgasm barreled through him, releasing the pressure that had formed on their ascent.

John combed a hand through Kaidan’s hair as he looked down at him, so much emotion in his eyes that it would’ve taken a lifetime to sort through it all. He knew his held just as much; it had to, everything they couldn’t say and everything they’d never need to. Things that were greater than words and never meant to be spoken were laid out bare.

Then John leaned down to kiss him chaste before pulling out, a part of him left behind and a part of him stripped away. He got up and grabbed something to clean them up with as well as a blanket to cover them up. Kaidan had rolled onto his side and John slid back on the couch facing him.

They didn’t talk for a long while. Perhaps there was nothing left to say, or perhaps the things that needed to be said were too heavy to carry just yet. They had a few hours to go before they hit the Relay to Earth and Kaidan wanted to spend every single second of it in John’s arms.

His eyes started to droop after a while, and he figured they should try to get some sleep before they were thrown into the suck, bullets and Reapers replacing soft caresses and his lover’s adoring touch. But he didn’t want to waste any of it.

How were they supposed to do this? How were they going to make it to the other side? They’d been on a suicide mission before, he thought he’d lost John once, and here they were set to run headlong into the belly of the beast for a second time.

They were soldiers, sure, he understood that, he’d signed up for that, but he was a husband now, he had another life he had to protect, one more worthy of dying for than any other he’d ever known. What was he going to do if John…if one of them didn’t make it to that other side?

John’s eyes had eventually flitted shut. Kaidan knew he wasn’t asleep but they were both fading fast. He wouldn’t have minded watching him sleep one last time, some weird reflection on the day they met, but he had something to say, something he needed to get out before it was too late.

“I’m scared,” he whispered. And he was, but not of death, not of the pain that was sure to come, nor the possibility of being turned into a Reaper.

He was afraid of losing the one thing that mattered the most to him, but that’s what happened when you gave your heart to someone else; they become your greatest weakness, your Achilles heel.

Bleary eyes opened to regard him, “I am too...but we’ve done everything we could to give us the best chance of coming out on top.”

“Is it wrong that…that I’m more concerned with losing you than saving the galaxy?” Kaidan asked, his eyes drifting down to John’s lips because he knew, he fucking knew his priorities were skewed, but he didn't care.

John placed a kiss to his forehead before pulling Kaidan closer into him, “No, love…it’s not wrong because everything I’ve done since the day we meant, since before that even, has been to keep you safe. Saving the galaxy from annihilation is just a means to do it.”

“What if we don’t—”

“Stop!” John said, a strong, stern tone cutting him off. “I can’t, Kaidan, I…I can’t go down that road. It was so hard after Jane…I have to believe we’re all going to get through this. Then we’ll figure out the whole mess with Janie, maybe have some babies, and retire to some beach so we can grow fat and old together. That’s…that’s how it’s going to be. And I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that happens.”

Kaidan let out a shaky breath. It was a nice thought, the future and the hope for a family with the man he loved somewhere in a Reaperless future. He wanted that terribly.

“But if I don’t—”

“Kaidan, please don’t,” John implored, clamping his eyes shut as he furrowed his brow.

“I need to say it, John,” he said, pulling back, “I need you to hear it.”

“You go, I go, that's all that needs to be said.”

“John Alenko, I am going to say what I need to say to you and you're going to listen!” he demanded as he propped himself up on his elbow. It was John’s turn to stare down at his lips as he bit his own. “You are the love of my life, but if I don’t fucking make it, you have to move on, just like Steve did, because that’s what I want for you.

“I need you to be happy, I need you to try, to keep going, to make my death meaningful, to live for both of us. I need you to have those,” he had to pause as the tears trickled down his temple, “those beautiful blue-eyed babies.”

“And I need you not to leave me!” John bit out, pulling Kaidan back against him, weaving their bodies back together.

“Okay,” Kaidan conceded, drawing John in closer still. He could feel John’s hot tears rolling down his shoulder. “And I need you not to leave me. That's...that's definitely Plan A...but what if neither of us make it?”

John nuzzled his head under Kaidan's chin as he let go a few sniffles, “Then like Garrus says, I'll meet you at the bar.”

Kaidan ran his fingers over the back of John's head for a moment before he replied. He didn't believe in the afterlife, but maybe they'd get lucky, and if it gave him a chance to see John again, then he was willing to believe just about anything.

He closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh, “Yeah...let's just call that Plan B.”


	40. London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Battle for Earth begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to give two big shoutouts to two amazing friends of mine, [Cereith](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cereith/pseuds/Cereith) who gave most of this chapter a good read and helped me work through some troubled spots I was struggling with, and also to [lilvixen25](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lilvixen25/pseuds/lilvixen25) who knows nothing about ME but was still willing to let me talk it out with her when I got frustrated! Love them both! <3
> 
> Okay, on with the show! Enjoy!

_Waking up at the start of the end of the world,_   
_But it’s feeling just like every other morning before,_   
_Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it’s gone_   
**_-How Far We've Come, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

This was it. The Fleets had gathered just outside the relays prepared to make the jump into the Sol System as soon as the order was given. There was a strange energy on the ship, the air charged like a live wire about to spark and send the whole thing up in smoke. He just hoped the Reapers went too.

Kaidan and John followed Jane to the bridge from the war room where they were going over a few last minute status reports when it was announced that Admiral Hackett was requesting permission to board. That’s when the reality of the situation hit him. There was no turning back now; it was go time.

He knew the admiral was persistent, but the old soldier gave one helluva speech to rouse the interspecies Fleets. If Kaidan hadn’t been ready before, that would’ve done it for sure. This was their last stand, their push to take back their homeworld, his home, the place he wanted to raise he and John’s children.

They could not fail.

Afterward, they all went to the QEC and had a brief strategy meeting with Anderson who was on the ground in London. Kaidan had always wanted to go, but in the middle of a war wasn’t what he had pictured growing up. He had a bad feeling that nothing on Earth was how he once pictured it to be.

He was skeptical that the Admirals’ plan would work, but there really wasn’t any other way than to go in guns blazing, get a ground crew to London, ride the Reaper transport beam up to the Citadel, and find a way to open the station’s arms so the Crucible could dock.

That was their mission, and he would do the job to the best of his abilities. If John had doubts, he didn’t show them. The man hardened himself once the orders were given, and Kaidan wondered if that was his N7 training or if it was just who he’d always been: someone able to buckle down and do what was needed _when_ it was needed.

Once they entered the System, Sword team started their assault on the Reaper forces guarding the Citadel. Kaidan stood behind John and Jane and watched from the cockpit as the first shots were fired, reds and oranges like brush strokes streaking over a black canvas. It would’ve been beautiful if not for the destruction and loss of life.

The Fleets didn’t have to take all the Reapers out; they just had to hold them off long enough for Hammer team to move into position in London. But he knew there were a lot of lives that would be sacrificed to make that happen, and it turned his stomach inside out. It made him want to get his boots on the ground that much sooner so he could do his part.

Sword would do theirs, but their mission was in London. Five Reaper Hades Cannons were scattered throughout the city and were shooting down anything that came into range. Hammer team couldn’t assemble until they were all neutralized, and who better to do that than the crew of the SSV Normandy.

The Human Spectres would each lead a team to different Reaper AA guns in Kodiaks carrying heavy weapons. He and John were assigned two each while Jane would be tasked with escorting the team set to take out the last. Once they were destroyed, their squads would join the push to set up a Forward Base of Operations.

It might’ve sounded simple on paper, but the smallest hiccup could’ve stopped their one and only plan dead in its tracks, and there were a thousand different ways things could go wrong. But the scariest part was the fact that he and John would be separated once they reached Earth. That frightened him almost as much as the Reapers did.

Even if he had wanted to protest, he knew it wouldn’t have made a difference. He was a Spectre and a soldier, and this was war, the most important day in galactic history; he would do whatever he had to in order to take down the Reapers and insure the safety of the people in it.

And John would be with him, in his heart, every step of the way.

*****

Earth was a warzone, but they knew it would be before they even hit the Charon Relay. Hell, they knew it before they fled Vancouver, and it was exactly how they left it: smoldering, crumbling, all but helpless against the Reaper invasion. It hadn’t looked quite as bad as Palaven or Thessia, but he knew it was only a matter of time.

Kaidan was thankful he and John got a few more moments together on the shuttle ride down to the rendezvous point. They would be moving into different quadrants to take out their assigned Hades Cannons, and this was the last they’d see each other for...well, Kaidan didn’t want to know for how long.

As soon as Cortez announced that the landing zone was thirty seconds out, John let go of the hand he’d been clutching to and ran his own through Kaidan’s hair. Kaidan leaned into the touch and turned his head to gaze into those steely blue eyes. They didn’t need words; they had already said their peace the night before, but that didn’t stop a few mutter words of encouragement from passing between them.

They rested their foreheads together, taking one last opportunity to breathe each other in before John pressed a tender kiss to his lips. He pulled away and put on his gauntlet as they approached the drop zone. Everyone readied their weapons as they touched down, the ground team pouring out towards their assigned shuttles.

John’s squad was set to depart first. He was taking James and Tali with him and heading to the southern part of the city. Jane would be leading Alpha squad and taking Garrus and Javik with her. She was heading east. Kaidan, Liara, and EDI would take out the closest cannon and swing west before they all met up at the location for the FOB.

Liara gave him a sympathetic look as she climbed into their new shuttle, “He'll be fine. They both will.”

Kaidan hoped she was right, but now was not the time for that. They had a job to do. This was bigger than he and John, and it was time for him to be a soldier first, husband second. This was for his father, his mother, his cousins, aunt, uncles, and every other being in the galaxy. He couldn’t let them down.

There were two shuttles for each squad so that they could offer support to one another and act as backup if one had trouble with the weapons or was shot down. It was likely they would lose a few birds; air support in the area was nonexistent judging by the reports they had received, but those were facts best left behind for the time being.

They would use M-920 Cains to take down each AA gun before moving onto the next target. Shepard’s squad only had one heavy weapon because they would only be taking out one Hades Cannon, and because they weren’t able to scrounge up another in time.

Dwindling resources were close to tipping the odds into the Reaper’s favor. Kaidan figured that was part of the weird Turian calculus John and Garrus were always going on and on about, but he was never good at math. He just hoped they were able to finish them off before they were too far gone.

His shuttle took off as soon as he shut the door, body swaying as they picked up momentum. It was a short ride to the first cannon and their plan was to hit it from the air. He prepared the Cain as they drew closer and the door slid open when they were in firing range.

They got lucky and approached from the Reaper's six. Sneaking up on it gave them the advantage, and they caught it just as it was starting to recharge after using its beam. Kaidan fired and watched as the mass effect field generated by the Cain ripped the Reaper apart, the turret hurling to the ground in a heap of shrapnel and flames. And wasn't that an incredible sight to see!

“This is Charlie squad, first target neutralized. Moving onto the second location,” Kaidan commed as he lowered the hefty weapon. Liara helped him switch out the graphite rods to get it ready for the next cannon.

They were a few minutes out from the other Reaper when John’s voice came through the comms to relay that Bravo squad had taken out their first target as well. Kaidan couldn’t hide the relief on his face at hearing his husband’s voice. He was sure John had felt the same way a moment earlier.

“We are approaching the second target,” EDI informed him, the shuttle doors opening once again.

_“Shit! We’re gonna have to go in on foot. The bird carrying our nuke gun was shot down,”_ Shepard radioed. Kaidan had to admit that it was good to hear her voice as well.

Just as the message came through, the Reaper got a momentary lock on Kaidan's shuttle. The pilot was able shake them loose and dodge the attack, which lined up the perfect shot for Kaidan to take…

If it hadn’t been for the twin set of Harvesters in bound.

“Hold on!” the pilot yelled, the shuttle beginning to pitch and roll as Kaidan squeezed the trigger. He was thrown back and landed on his ass, the force sending the Cain slipping out of his grasp as it went careening towards the open door.

His heart was already hammering in his chest, but it went into double time as he watched the gun move closer to the door.

If they lost the weapon, it could jeopardize the whole mission, and he didn’t have much confidence that they could find it in the rubble. They needed to take out the Reaper sooner rather than later so that Hammer could land.

The mushroom cloud from the missed shot exploded just wide of the Reaper, but Kaidan was too busy scrambling for the gun as it slid out of the shuttle to notice. Liara was able to catch it with her biotics and pull it back on board before it got out of range, EDI coming in to assist as they reloaded the shot.

“You gotta keep us steady!” Kaidan ordered over his shoulder at the pilot. “Where the hell is the other shuttle?”

“I’m doing the best I can, sir! And we lost radio contact, they dropped off the radar.”

“Dammit!” he cursed. It was all on them now.

They continued to rock and sway as the pilot tried his best to lose the harvester. The second one must've gone after the shuttle they lost contact with. They flew low in between a few collapsing building before going through a short tunnel and performing a sharp maneuver that swung them back around in the direction of the Reaper.

_“Anyone else having problems with these damn harvesters?”_ John cut in just as they lost theirs.

“Just shook the one on our tail,” Kaidan replied, a slight lift to his voice upon hearing John’s again.

Kaidan had hoped they would be able to sneak in behind the Reaper to fire off the shot like the first, but it swiveled and he was forced to take it out head on. He squeezed the trigger, and this time it was a direct hit, the Hades Cannon exploding in a bright white fireball as the Reaper burned away.

“This is Charlie squad our last turret is down, heading to the FOB,” Kaidan said as he sat down to take a breather.

_“Dammit, I’m hit.”_ Cortez bit out.

_“Steve!”_ Shepard yelled.

_“I’m alright.”_

Kaidan was relieved to hear that Steve was able to land his Kodiak without much trouble. He had become good friends with him and Vega, as did everyone else who was stationed on the Normandy, and he knew the man was a great asset to the Alliance. It was good to know that Shepard was making progress on her end as well.

_“Goddamn worm-necked bastards took out my other shuttle! How many cannons left?”_ John asked.

_“Two, including yours, sir,”_ Captain Johnson answered.

_“Fuck! We got two of these bastards on our ass now,”_ John reported. Kaidan’s pulse skyrocketed as he listened to the distress in his husband’s voice. _“Shit, we’re h-hit, K-k-kaidan, y-you…otta…come t-take thisss one ou—”_

“John? JOHN!” he screamed as he jolted to his feet. “EDI, I need his position! Corporal, get us to that AA gun,” he ordered, fear narrowly edged out by adrenaline. “Joker, can you raise John on the comms?”

_“I’m having enough trouble keeping in contact with the Fleet, but Traynor's working on it,”_ Joker replied.

In actuality, it only took about three minutes to get to the coordinates EDI was able to pull from John’s last known transmission. But it felt longer than the two years that Jane was dead. Liara kept sending him concerned looks that he ignored and EDI had taken over piloting the shuttle before Kaidan had a meltdown and did it himself.

Search and rescued would’ve been close to impossible with the AA gun still firing, and as much as it pained him, he knew it had to be taken out before he could begin the search for John’s downed shuttled.

He had reloaded the Cain with their last graphite rod but didn’t want to think about what they would do if he missed. They only had one shot at this one and he had to make it count.

“Liara, steady me with your biotics,” he said as EDI opened the shuttle door once again. Harvesters heavily infested the air around them and they already had one chasing them as they veered around a corner. That put them face to face with the Hades Cannon and Kaidan’s one chance to take it down.

He mustered every bit of concentration he could into his shot, which was possibly the most important shot of his life. But he knew there was nothing he could do for John until that cannon was ash. He inhaled a deep breath, pulled the trigger on the exhale, and blew the Reaper bastard to pieces.

“Fourth cannon neutralized,” he said.

Before he could think of what to do to find John, Traynor’s voice came over the comms. _“I was able to pinpoint the Captain’s location and am attempting to boost his short-range comms as we speak, Major. I’ve just fed the coordinates to EDI.”_

“EDI, get us there ASAP!” Kaidan roared.

“Already in route.”

_“Major Alenko! Answer me dammit!”_ John bellowed through the radio—heavy static causing him to crackle in and out—and Kaidan’s heart finally started to beat again, but every shot he heard going off in the background had it threatening to stop.

“I’m here, John. We’ve got your location and are heading to you now. What’s your situation?”

_“Don’t suppose you could hurry it up? We got Reapers converging in from every direction and the shuttle’s in flames behind us. We’re sitting ducks! Or fishes in barrels as Vega keeps repeating.”_

“Jonathan, we’re thirty seconds out from your location,” EDI said.

“Please, just hold on a little longer!” Kaidan pleaded, exchanging the M-920 for his assault rifle and switching off the safety. Liara mirrored him, as did the ousted pilot.

_“That’s it. Last gun down. All Hammer teams prepare for landing,”_ Captain Johnson instructed.

_“I need you here now! Tali’s hit and we’re all out of medi-gel!”_ John shouted.

_“Kaidan! Do you have them?”_ Jane’s voice echoed in his ear.

He’d been counting in his head, “Ten seconds out, Shepard.”

He and Liara fired up their biotics as they stopped to hover above the downed shuttle. They both shot a few husks from the air to help clear the area enough for them to land. Kaidan and Liara watched Bravo’s flanks, using both biotics and their weapons to hold off the enemy as James carried Tali to the shuttle. John was covering them from behind.

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” John said as they hoisted Tali on board. Kaidan put a couple of slugs into a charging marauder and instigated a slam on a group of incoming husks to give John time to climb inside. “All aboard. Get us out of here, EDI!”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” she said, initiating takeoff procedures.

After they were relatively safe in the air, everyone’s attention turned to Tali. She took a bullet in the shoulder, but it was a through and through. Kaidan administered some medi-gel, stims, and antibiotics to stop the bleeding and help to boost her immune system after the rupture in her suit.

“Everyone else alright?” John asked once the Quarian was attended to.

Kaidan took a quick look around as the team answered before he turned his attention to John, scanning his body to make sure he was okay. John hadn’t said he was hit, but he knew the man might not’ve said so even if he was. Tali was the priority and he was pretty stoic when he was sick or injured.

He didn’t think John would lie, but he just needed to make sure, needed to see with his own eyes that his husband was unharmed and in one piece. It was also a possibility that adrenaline kept him from realizing an injury. Regardless, he was allowed to worry over his husband.

John must’ve been doing the same thing to him because he watched a field of blue flicker over him before their eyes met. Kaidan gave a half smile that John returned. After a subtle nod, the Captain rose to his feet and joined EDI in the cockpit.

“How’s that FOB looking?” Kaidan heard him ask.

_“Like everywhere else,”_ Anderson radioed back to the shuttle.

“Any word on Jane?” he asked, angling his body so he could lock eyes with Kaidan.

_“I gave her a ride, thought she could use a lift,”_ the admiral chuckled. John gave a little smirk, and Kaidan was glad they found a moment of lightheartedness among the chaos. _“Get your ass here safe, son.”_

“On it, sir, Bravo and Charlie squads out.”

Kaidan was relieved to be on the ground again once they landed. After moving Tali to triage, they went to meet with Anderson, but not before they had what were potentially their last words with their friends, everyone but Jack and Miranda. They didn't want to dwell on why that was, but a few words with Grunt did bring them a little hope.

The next part of the mission was the push to the beam, but a Reaper had moved in to guard it. Shepard was going to lead a team to take it down so Hammer could move in, and he and John had volunteered to join her. But just as they were set to depart, Anderson pulled them aside.

“Change of plans, John. Vega and Garrus will be accompanying Jane. I’ve lost contact with Miranda Lawson who I assigned to take out a nearby Cerberus stronghold that’s been giving us trouble. If she’s down, I need you two to finish the job.”

“Can’t this wait till after we take out the Reapers, sir?” Kaidan asked, raising a brow and shooting John a quizzical look.

“Normally, I would say ‘yes’ but the target she went after was the Illusive Man’s number two. We don’t know why he’s in London, but we need to take him out before he moves and we lose him. I don’t want to risk Cerberus rebuilding after the war.”

“Understood. We won’t let you down, Anderson,” John saluted.

John and Anderson shared a brief hug, “I know you won’t, son. Be careful...oh, and last I heard from Jack, she was moving in to assist. So keep your eyes out for her.”

“We will, stay safe, sir,” Kaidan saluted, but he was surprised when Anderson hugged him as well. He shouldn’t have been, the admiral was somewhat of a father-in-law to him.

They rushed out to the landing area and boarded a Kodiak where a Marine was waiting to give them the mission brief. Just as the door was closing, Shepard walked by on her way to her transport truck and they exchanged a stiff nod. _Give ’em hell, Shepard,_ he thought before turning toward John.

“We got this,” John smirked, slipping off his gauntlet so he could take Kaidan’s hand in his as the shuttle took flight.

“Yeah, we got this.”


	41. Protégé

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Spectres' mission before they rejoin Hammer; things go FUBAR.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to take up a whole chapter, but it's a nice setup to the sequel so I decided it was necessary. If you don't plan on reading the sequel or get triggered by the warnings, you won't miss too much by skipping this chapter, but the warnings kick in about 3/4 down.
> 
>  ****Warning:** contains graphic depictions of violence, blood, gore, and a character death.

_This is it now_  
_Everybody get down_  
_This is all I can take_  
_This is how a heart breaks_  
**_-This is How a Heart Breaks, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

“Corporal Danny Holden, sirs. It’s an honor to serve with you both,” a young Marine saluted once Kaidan and John were secured inside the shuttle. The soldier looked fresh out of boot camp, no older than twenty, and Kaidan wondered how many kids like him had already been claimed by the war.

“Anderson said we’d be briefed in flight. Let’s hear it,” John said after he returned the salute.

“Yes, sir. Miranda Lawson was following a lead she had on Laurence Rochov, the Illusive Man’s protégé and the man slated to take over if anything happened to his boss. She traced him back to a bunker just outside the city and had set up reconnaissance to keep tabs on him until Anderson was able to dispatch a team to capture him.

“She dropped out of radio contact a few hours ago, but we were able to reestablish it. But now she’s missed the last two check-ins and Anderson thinks that she either tried to go in alone, or she was compromised. Jack Nought volunteered to go in for search and rescue but has since gone dark.”

“So we’re going to their last known location to assess the situation?” John inferred.

“Yes, sir, and Anderson wants us to capture Rochov and bring him back to the FOB for questioning...If possible,” the corporal added.

“How far out is it?”

“About five minutes,” he replied, handing John a datapad that contained the information Miranda had sent to the admiral. Kaidan looked over his shoulder as they went through it as quickly as possible. They didn’t have much time but every ounce of intel they had before they went in would be that much more helpful when they hit the ground.

The dossier on Rochov was sparse. It listed a few personal details and his brief background in the Alliance. There were mentions of his contributions with Cerberus, which suggested that he and the Illusive Man shared a similar ideology. Miranda’s briefing on the Cerberus hideout rounded out the file.

It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing.

The Kodiak landed a half a mile from the coordinates of Miranda’s safe house. They waved the shuttle off, but John told them to stay in the vicinity in case they needed a quick pickup. The corporal would be going in with them.

“How long have you been serving, Holden?” Kaidan asked as they crept along the hollowed out buildings towards the apartment complex where Miranda had set up her perch. There was no doubt about it, they were in a warzone.

Their weapons were at the ready, but they hadn’t encountered an enemy since they touched down, Reaper or human. Kaidan was humming with anticipation, and he was itching for a little action. Their mission was important—Miranda and Jack were both friends—but he wished they were with Jane taking down Reapers instead of going after another illusive man.

“I was six months out of boot camp when the Reapers invaded, was stationed in France for a while, but once the bastards decided to make London their own personal base of operations, a lot of good soldiers were shipped over. I’m one of the lucky ones that have somehow managed to survi—”

John cut him off when he gave the signal for silence. They were making their approach to the building, hugging walls to keep from being seen. Kaidan was bringing up their six with Holden in between the two Spectres. It was unspoken, but he knew John felt more comfortable with the corporal in the middle.

It was eerily quiet going down the hallways. The place looked better than other buildings they’d passed closer to London, but there were claw marks and dried blood on the floor, bullet holes in the wall, and he didn’t want to think about how the people who lived there drug out kicking and screaming to the beam to feed the Reaper warmachine.

They got to the door to the third floor unit Miranda had set up her surveillance in and entered with caution, clearing the rooms before taking a look around for possible clues as to what might’ve happened that caused her to go dark.

“Her radio and computer systems seem to be intact, and the batteries are still functioning,” Kaidan said as he sat down at her computer. He attempted to hack into her files to see if there was anything useful to be found on them, but Miranda was good at hiding things she didn’t want found.

“I have movement outside,” John whispered as the faint sound of footsteps in the hall grew near. They all readied their weapons and got into formation around the door just as it was inched open. The tip of a pistol edged its way inside, and Kaidan went to initiate his biotics.

“Jack?” John said, his voice a mixture of relief and disbelief when her familiar face came into view.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she whispered, moving into the room and shutting the door behind her.

“You and Miranda dropped out of radio contact. Anderson sent us in for search and rescue,” he explained as they all lowered their weapons and moved back into the living room. Kaidan continued his work on the computer to see if he could pull something off of the surveillance vids, but he didn’t have much hope.

“Miranda was taken,” Jack said.

Kaidan spun around in the chair at that and watched John’s face harden, “When?”

“Not sure. I just overheard some assholes talking about a big breasted brunette their boss hauled in. Ring any bells? They had too many guys for me to take on alone, so I tried to radio back to the FOB, but I think they have some sort of high tech jammer in place. I spent the last twenty minutes looking for it.

“Anyway, I was coming here to see if Cheerleader had anything useful I could use to track it and take it down, or at the very least, get word to Anderson. But now that you’re here, we can just go get her.”

“You know where she is?”

“I’m gonna guess it’s the bigass warehouse crawling with guards two blocks north. It’s gotta be the place she’s been staking out,” Jack said, moving towards the window to point out the location.

“Do you know how many guys are with them?” Kaidan asked, joining them by the window after having no luck with the computer.

“I’d say about twenty to thirty men, maybe a few more, some heavily armed, some not. But I think we can take them...Who’s the kid,” she asked, motioning to the Corporal with her chin.

“Holden, he’s about all they could spare from Hammer. Jane’s pushing her way to the beam so she can blow the Reaper bastard apart that decided to set up camp at the base of it,” John said. He had an edge to his voice, and Kaidan knew he wanted to be there with her as she pushed through.

“We should move out. If we find her and Rochov soon, we can still meet up with Hammer before they make the final push,” Kaidan said, hoping it would give John and the rest of them both focus and motivation to keep pressing forward.

“Yeah, let’s move out,” his husband agreed.

They made their way back downstairs and out to the street. It was half a block before they got eyes on the first two Cerberus mercs. They were guarding an alley that led through to the warehouse. Jack and Kaidan each froze them with a stasis and John finished them off with his omni-blade. Stealth was their goal at the moment.

The next group was bigger. There were five of them guarding the entrance to the complex. The three biotics did their best to take them out together using a few well-timed lifts, slams and biotic charges without alerting anyone else to their position

Unfortunately, a few of the mercs were able to get a shot or two off and gave away their element of surprise. The mercs’ radios buzzed to life and another team was dispatched. It was a slow push into the warehouse after that, moving forward only when they’d taken out a few Cerberus mercenaries, but they kept going.

The place was huge, and they weren’t sure where Miranda was being held. When they came to an area that split the warehouse into two section, they were forced to split into teams as well.

“Jack, you go with Kaidan to the east wing, Holden, you’re with me,” John said.

“You take Jack,” Kaidan countered. It wasn’t that the kid wasn’t a capable soldier, he must’ve been to survive the war as long as he had, but he wanted someone he could trust backing up his husband if he got into trouble.

“Kaidan, I’m not arguing with you, Jack goes with you.”

“How about Jack takes the kid while you two fight,” Jack hissed, grabbing the kid’s elbow and pulling him towards the east wing. Neither one of them were about to argue, and to be honest, the kid was probably safer with her. “Looks like the honeymoon’s over,” she threw back over her shoulder.

The two Spectre’s shared a smirk before pushing further into the west wing down a long corridor where they had to take out a few more mercs. One got a pretty decent shot off before John shot him in the chest. It clipped Kaidan and he let out a muffled cry when the metal ripped through his thigh.

“I’m fine, baby,” Kaidan said before John even got the chance to ask.

“You sure?” he asked anyway, rushing to Kaidan’s side.

“Just a graze really. Besides, I heard N’s dig scars,” he chuckled.

“Might be confusing us with Turians,” John teased, helping him administer some medi-gel. They rested for a minute or two to allow the stims a chance to kick in before John helped him to his feet. “You ready?”

Kaidan nodded and they continued on. His leg was sore, but he’d had migraines far worse than a little flesh wound.

At the end of the corridor were a series of smaller rooms that were used for administrative purposes. They were all empty which made clearing them easy. There was a stairwell on the other side lead to the upper level, but before they got halfway up, they were engaged in firefight by several mercs.

He figured that meant they were in the right place, which Jack confirmed when she commed to say her and Holden came up empty.

“If you want something else to shoot at, get your asses over here then,” John replied.

 _“Don’t have to tell me twice. Think you can hold them off, Boy Scout? Just until we can come and save your ass?”_ Jack fired back.

“Kaidan and I are doing just…” he paused to take out the last merc atop the stairs, “…fine.”

They rushed to the second level to avoid being pinned down by another group of mercs, but all was quiet when they arrived upstairs. John’s eyes told him to stay close, his own relaying that an ambush was a high possibility and that they should moved with caution.

The first two rooms were clear, but when they were coming out of the second, they heard a commotion coming from down the hall. Even though the voices were muffled, Kaidan could recognize Miranda’s Australia dialect from a mile away. John heard it too and looked his way.

There was a whole conversation to be had in that look. John wanted to go in guns blazing, but Kaidan wasn’t about to let that happen. His husband did have more experience with extremely high-risk situations, but he was being ruled with emotions more than reason at that moment and Kaidan made sure he knew it.

They shared a nod before slinking closer to the room at the other end of the hall. Kaidan reminded himself to take steady breaths with every step forward and relax his hands. He needed to be sharp and focused for whatever was awaiting them.

“Boss?” a voice rang out from the room, “They’re here.”

“Hold your fire!” another, more menacing voice ordered.

“We just came here for Miranda Lawson,” John said as he sidled up to the door, his back against the wall as he took a quick peek into the room. He held up three fingers to Kaidan indicating three armed hostiles than one each for Rochov and Miranda.

“Whose we?” Rochov asked.

“Two pissed off Spectres, that’s who,” John fired back.

“ _Which_ two? Show yourselves or this’ll be over real quick,” the man threatened.

“Disarm yourselves and we’ll talk.”

They heard Miranda gasp and struggle, a high-pitched yelp causing them both to inhale a fearful breath.

“Wrong answer…which Spectres?”

Kaidan gave John a nod when he looked his way before he turned back towards the door. “John and Kaidan Alenko.”

“I was hoping for Shepard, but Kaidan will have to do,” Rochov sneered. “And I supposed you are kind of a Shepard, aren’t you John? The spare one anyway.”

John started to seethe at the taunt, but Kaidan took his gloved hand in his own and gave it a gentle squeeze. “My sister is busy saving the galaxy. If you wanted her to come kick your ass, you should’ve picked a better time.”

“Oh there won’t be any ass kicking today, I just wanted to have a little talk with my good friend Miranda here. But she’s been…less than cooperative. How about I have my men lower their weapons and you can help me jog her memory?”

Kaidan heard footsteps on the stairs and turned his aim towards the approaching unknowns. He lowered it when a heavily tattooed head poked carefully around the corner. He tapped John on the shoulder to alert him that backup had arrived, then the two of them moved into the room, John’s gun on Rochov and Kaidan’s on a merc trusting that Jack and Holden would have the other two.

“They don’t know anything, you murderous asshole,” Miranda said, squirming in the man’s grip. He had a blade to her neck as he held her tight against him with the other hand strewn across her chest.

“Now, now, Miri, that’s no way to talk to an ex,” the man purred into her raven hair, all eyes trained on the two Spectres.

“Let her go, and maybe I’ll let you walk away today. I have other places I need to be,” John said.

“Not until one of you tells me where the Starchild is,” he snarled, Miranda letting out another yelp when the shiny blade started to cut into the skin of her neck.

“The star what?” Kaidan asked, chancing a quick glance at John only to see in his profile that he was just as confused.

“I told you Rochov, they don’t know anything. I didn’t tell them!” Miranda hissed, stilling her struggles when his grip constricted around her even further.

“You expect me to believe that?”

“It’s the truth! Look at them!”

“What don’t we know? Is this about the Illusive Man?” Kaidan questioned.

“That imbecile? No, he only thought he was looking at the big picture, but he was wrong. It’s too late for him now; he’s corrupt, but at least he’s doing his part. The Crucible will fire and I will be on the throne when it’s over, on the other side, rebuilding the galaxy in _my_ image, as it should be. But it’ll only work with all the pieces in place and I need the Starchild!” Rochov said, his voice becoming more harsh and hostile as he spoke.

“You’re delusional,” John spat.

“You know what, Miri? I’m beginning to think you were telling the truth when you said they didn’t know anything,” he said as he started creeping closer to the fire exit on the far side of the room.

If he got to the doors, he might be able to make an escape, but with Miranda in between them, they couldn’t risk using their biotics. One misplaced burst of energy and she might not walk away. A headshot was the only solution, but he didn’t have a clear one. He could only hope John had come to a similar conclusion and was able to line up the target.

“It’s a shame really, but Project Zenith will come to pass soon enough and the whole galaxy will praise me on bended knees.”

“Over my dead body,” Kaidan said.

“Probably…but we’ll save that for another time. Unfortunately, I can’t let Miranda spoil all the fun, and I really must go so…”

Miranda turned her eyes to Kaidan, so much written in them that he didn’t know where to start. “I’m so sorry Kaid—”

Everything around him stopped in a blaze of red when Rochov drew the blade across Miranda’s throat, a gush of blood blasting forth like a crimson waterfall as it cascaded down from the source, thick syrupy ropes and mist marring her white suit into a mottled pattern of bereavement.

Kaidan pulled the trigger aimed at his merc on instinct, John screaming and echoing bangs a thousand miles away drowned out by the sound of his pulse thrumming through his ears as he dashed to their fallen comrade, hitting his knees and jamming his hands into her severed flesh to stem the bleeding, gauntlets and assault rifle discarded somewhere along the way.

Her blue eyes flashed panic before the light in them faded, pinched features smoothing out upon exsanguination. He knew there was nothing that could’ve been done after the fact, but what about before? They could’ve tried something, anything. Moved a little quicker, taken a shot when they had the chance.

“Kaidan, we have to move,” John said, voice a garbled mess of regret cutting through the static in his head.

He looked up to where John was, kneeling on the other side of her, and removed his hands—shaking and blood-soaked—from her neck. “Did you get him?”

John tore his eyes away shaking his head as he gazed down at Miranda.

“We chased him for a few blocks before we lost him in a bombed out building,” said a solemn Holden.

“The shuttle’s thirty seconds out. Help me carry her,” Jack said, bending down and muscling Kaidan out of the way. But before she get a hand on her, John scooped her up and they went out the door and down the fire escape to a cleared area to wait.

Jack and the kid climbed in first and helped John get her onboard. They didn’t have a sheet to put over her so they’d have to wait till her body could be taken wherever they took the deceased. Kaidan really didn’t want to know. But there were a few things he did want to know.

“Why did he want me?” he asked aloud even though he knew no one aboard had the answers to anything spiraling through his head in regards to Starchild, Project Zenith, or anything else the lunatic rambled on about. But not stopping Rochov, not bringing him down—capturing or killing him—made the feasting parasite of uncertainty gnaw away at him.

John’s eyes were still transfixed on Miranda. He was so kind and gentle at his core. He could kill a man with a single blow if deemed a threat, but Kaidan knew that losing his friends, people that he considered family after losing so much already, chipped away at that genial spirit underneath all that armor he’d built up over the decades.

Jack had been in the cockpit but caught their attention when she walked back. “Shepard’s getting close to clearing the way to the beam. No time to go back to the FOB, Anderson wants us to meet him at her location. Offer backup if we can.”

There was a beat of silence then John’s stony voice breaking it, “We’ll get him after.” He pulled his eyes from Miranda to look at Jack before turning those steely blues to Kaidan.

“We’ll get him after,” Kaidan repeated, twisting his fingers in John’s, both encrusted with dirt and blood and sweat and desperate despair.

“Shepard took the Reaper Destroyer out. Anderson’s already at the rendezvous,” the pilot relayed, “ETA two minutes.”

“The beam, the Reapers…we got this, yeah?” John asked, squeezing his hand.

“Yeah, we got this,” Kaidan nodded, squeezing back. And he hoped to gods they did because: This. Was. It.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry!! Miranda had to die for the sake of plot, but I figured if I had to kill her off, she should go out in a spectacular way. Also, mucho thanks to my buddy [Cereith](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Cereith) for the menacing name Rochov and for just being a huge ball of awesomesauce. <3


	42. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The run to the beam and the showdown with the Illusive Man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little later than usual, but it was another difficult one. Most of the end here follows canon with some slight tweaks, and I've been trying to work on not summarizing things. 
> 
> What I had planned for after is just getting pushed into the sequel, which I will tell you probably won't get started until December. The next 2 months are going to be pretty busy for me, but I'll still be lurking around to help enable all your MShenko addictions. <3

_And if I fall along the way_   
_Pick me up and dust me off_   
_And if I get too tired to make it_   
_Be my breath so I can walk_   
**_-Bent, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**Kaidan**

There was a strange vibe in the air when they touched down at the rendezvous point. Garrus, James, and Shepard were catching their breath after battling wave after wave of Reaper forces while they took down the Destroyer, and Anderson had just pulled in to lead Hammer Team’s push to the beam.

They didn’t have much time, but John stole a few moments to speak with Jane. He knew he wanted to make sure she was hanging in there, maybe give her a pep talk or a few words of encouragement. Kaidan saw her crack a smile as he squeezed some more medi-gel into his bullet wound.

“Listen up!” Anderson called to the ground team, “We got a squad of Sovereign class Reapers disengaging from the fight. We don’t have much time, they’re heading this way.”

Kaidan found John’s eyes. The flash of fear was gone as soon as it registered, replaced by a determined fortitude to get the job done. Those eyes, those perfectly blue eyes, were what he’d been fighting for since they met, and he would continue to do so until every last ounce of strength in him was gone.

“Let’s load up and move out,” Anderson ordered, climbing back into the vehicle he arrived in followed by the rest of them.

“I’m sorry about Miranda,” James said as he followed Kaidan into the transport truck.

“Thank you...just wish we could’ve caught the bastard responsible,” Kaidan replied, smothering the thoughts reminding him that he still had her blood on his hands.

“We’ll get him after,” Garrus said. Kaidan had gotten good at reading the Turian’s expressions. His tone was harsh, but his tiny eyes went cold with the same thirst for revenge he had when they went after Sodonis.

“Scars is rights, we’ll get him right after we’ve sent the Reapers back to the dark space,” James agreed.

John made his way over to him, reaching for his hand as the doors to the transport slid shut. He locked their fingers together and leaned his forehead against Kaidan’s temple. “Love you,” he whispered.

Kaidan closed his eyes and let the world disappear around them, if only for a moment. “Love you.”

“You stay with me. We’re gonna make it, okay? Up to the beam and right back down. Piece of cake,” John said, pulling back as the truck sputtered to life.

Kaidan nodded as Admiral Hackett’s voice streamed through the comms, one last rousing speech to rally the troops for the final push. It was do or die time, success or extinction, and everyone knew it. The air was ripe with anticipation, fear, adrenaline, and desperation, and it only escalated as they moved into position.

The transport bounced around beneath their feet, tires plowing through the battlefield while Shepard and Garrus exchanged a few words soldier to soldier. They were driving over bombed out buildings pulverized into dust, over Humanity that had been crushed under the wheel of war, over myriads of nameless faces that would never be forgotten, and his only comfort was John’s presence beside him and the hope it would soon be over.

“We got Harbinger inbound,” Anderson said.

Less than a minute later, the transport shook violently and they skidded to a stop. Kaidan wasn’t sure if they got hit or not, but the doors flew open and they were rushing out, the team making their way up a small mound of debris. On top, they could see the base of the beam with Harbinger swiftly moving in to block their approach.

Anderson didn’t hesitate to give the order and Hammer Team shot forward like a ship jumping into FTL, full steam ahead. They just had to get one person to the beam, but Kaidan knew that had to be at least two because he couldn’t do it without John and they could not fail.

His lungs burned, smoke and chemicals hanging heavy in the air, stinging his nostrils with every breath, his body begging for oxygen as he willed one foot in front of the other, muscles pushed to their max as he followed John through the rubble because he'd follow him anywhere.

Jane was just ahead of John; he’d get a glimpse of her when John would zig when she zagged. He swore he could hear Vega panting directly in his ear, but that was mostly drowned out by the crunching of twisted metal under stampeding boots. Anderson would huff out encouragement, which became more scarce as they forged ahead.

The sound of Harbinger’s beam charging in the distance had Kaidan’s stomach bottoming out. Then the bastard starting firing, wiping out their flanks and thinning their numbers in flashes of red, deadly brushstrokes set to the tune of something far worse than nails on a chalkboard, grating and piercing, but they had to keep going.

The transport beam was getting closer, but so was the bombed out Mako that Harbinger had put on a collision course with him when the Reaper clipped it with its beam. Kaidan would’ve liked if it had moved in slow motion, but it didn’t. He was just able to maneuver himself to the side enough not to take the full force of the hit, reinforcing his barrier at the last minute with everything he had.

As he expected, it felt like he got hit by a truck, his leg taking the brunt of the impact as the sound of bones and armor cracked, his throat on fire as he howled out it pain. James wasn’t so lucky. He was lying a couple of yards away with a few chunks of shrapnel lodged in his chest. Jack was by his side rendering aid, but Kaidan yelled for her not to take any out. Except he wasn’t sure if it was his voice or John’s that barked out the order.

“Baby?” John keened, lip quivering as he knelt down beside him. “I need some fucking help over here!”

“Ahh, my leg is fucked,” Kaidan said, hissing in pain as he fumbled with administering stims and medi-gel where he could.

John took over for him, “Just hold on, K. The Normandy’s coming in for you and James.”

“No! I’ll be fine. I can make it,” he insisted.

“Kaidan!” John yelled, his brow pinched, but that was the last thing said on the matter. He knew John was right, what he would’ve said, should’ve said was right, that he couldn't make it because he could hardly walk. John helped him up once the Normandy came into view. And wasn’t she a sight, a heavenly chariot sent to carry them away.

Jack, Shepard, and Garrus moved James onto the ship and got him transferred to a gurney that was swiftly rushed to the medbay. Jane told the two to go with him in case they needed help, but Kaidan knew she wanted them on the Normandy where it was safer.

“Garrus, take him too,” John said, removing Kaidan’s arm from where it had been cemented around his neck.

“What? No! No, John you can’t leave me! You promised we’d stay together,” he pleaded, trying desperately to hold onto his husband as he moved away, hot tears beginning to spill down his bloodstained cheeks, both from the pain in his leg and in his heart.

“I’m sorry, my love, but I have to.”

“I’ll keep him safe,” Jane interjected. And for the first time in a long time, Kaidan trusted her, believed what she said, but he had no choice.

He nodded his appreciation and turned his brown eyes back to his husband’s, “I love you.”

“I love you, too...Always.”

 

**John**

He had to turn away after that. He couldn’t bear the weight of the look in Kaidan’s eyes; it was too much. So he took a page from Jane’s book: turned tail and ran. He would’ve given in if he hadn’t, jumped onboard and let Jane save the galaxy, but that didn’t sound like him, and gods he loved her, but that didn’t quite sound like Jane either.

But he had to admit, she had grown since she was put in charge of the SR-1. Maybe it was the Prothean DNA she picked up from the beacon on Eden Prime. Or maybe she had to learn how to get shit done without him after he met Kaidan. It didn’t matter either way; they were doing this together. And if this was it, at least they were going out the same way they came in: kicking and scream with a few elbows thrown for good measure.

“Race ya,” Jane taunted as she flew by.

He jolted into high gear and caught up, but the further they went, the more weakened Hammer’s numbers became.

“Shepard!” a voice called out from somewhere on his right. How he heard it over the screeching of the Reaper, he didn’t know, but he looked over to see Anderson sitting behind a busted skycar.

“Pops!” John called back, veering off. Jane followed as they went over to their surrogate father.

“Spirits, I’m so glad you heard me. I’m a sitting duck out here,” Anderson spoke, wincing when John approached. “My leg’s caught. I took cover behind this damn skycar and when Harbinger’s beam passed over, it dislodged some debris.”

He and Jane didn’t need to be told twice. They jumped right to it, working together to dig and sift through the rubble until the Admiral was able to free his leg. “Can you walk?” Jane asked as they helped him to his feet.

“It’s a little stiff, but I’m good. Let’s go,” he replied.

“Maybe you should sit this one out, Admiral,” John suggested, but Anderson had already started towards the beam, the pain evident in his gait. John could see the grimace on his face every time his boot hit the ground.

“We’re almost there, just one last pu—”

Anderson wasn’t able to finish. Harbinger primed, its beam cutting down all that was left of their ground troops. John didn’t think, he only reacted, tackling Anderson and putting all his energy into his barrier as they were painted in red.

It was scorching, his armored plates overheating as they melted and fused together, but he couldn’t drop his barrier. Anderson was underneath him; he was the man’s only source of protection. He felt his amp starting to weaken, taxed to its limits, but he was thankful it didn’t blow until the beam had passed, the crackle making his teeth ache when it did.

“Anderson?”

“I’m okay, John,” he assured him as John rolled off him and onto his back. “Where’s Jane?”

John sat up to scan the area, “I don’t know. I don’t see her…JANE!”

“She’s probably just ahead of us. Help me up, we have to keep moving.”

“Yeah…yeah, probably,” he replied as he stood, reaching down to help Anderson up. “She did say she wanted to race.”

And he didn’t want to think otherwise. She was in full armor, but she didn’t have a biotic barrier either. He was lucky his was mostly intact. But Anderson was right. They had to keep going. Kaidan was up there in the fight, and the quicker they got the Citadel’s arms open, the better.

They faced a few husks when they reached the base, but John took them out with ease despite his growing fatigue. The guns he had strapped to his back were useless now, and there were only two pistols between them. They had to make sure every shot counted.

“This’ll be fun, right Pops?” John asked as they stepped closer to the beam.

“I’ll let ya know on the other side, kid,” Anderson replied.

They shared a nod and stepped into the transport beam. His whole body tingled when the bright light encircled him. He wasn’t sure if it was instantaneous or if it just felt as if it were, but the next thing he knew, he was lying on a pile of mangled corpses. If he hadn’t already been used to the smell of death from London, it might’ve bothered him.

Anderson sounded close by when he whispered John’s name in the dark. “Yeah, I’m here. You okay, ol’ man?”

“Who you calling old? You’re no spring chicken there, Captain,” he replied.

John would’ve laughed if he had been able to find the energy. The room was badly lit, but he got up and tried to get his bearings. He hurt all over, but Kaidan was counting on him, the galaxy and Anderson too. “Found the door.”

“Right behind you, John.”

_“Anderson?”_ Jane’s voice murmured through the comms.

“We’re here, Janie,” John answered, relief washing over him that they’d all made it up. “Are you okay?”

_“Been better,”_ she groaned.

“Where are you?” Anderson asked. John kept moving, afraid of what would happen if he stopped, while Anderson and Jane exchanged a few words, “I think John and I are ahead of you. We’re going to push forward and look for the controls.”

“Looks like I’m winning, Janie,” John teased as they made their way out of the room. He led Anderson through unfamiliar corridors and into a large room. The war would be over as soon as they found a control panel. Then he’d find Kaidan.

Like a mirage in the desert, one came into view, and he would’ve run to it if it hadn’t been for his waning strength. All they had to do was get to it, but very much like a mirage, the promise of refuge was ripped away when a clearly indoctrinated Illusive Man popped out of the shadows brandishing a gun, his face glowing and disfigured by Reaper tech.

His heart sank and his blood began to bubble with what could only be described as the Human equivalent of Krogan bloodrage. But before he could lift his pistol, he and Anderson were frozen with some sort of stasis field. Now, it was up to Jane.

 

**Jane**

Jane was certain she was dead at one point. The beam hit her head on and she thought that was the end. Except her life didn’t flash before her eyes, just the faces of the lives she’d taken and the ones she couldn’t save. Then she woke up and everything ached. Her body was singed pretty badly and she would’ve guessed she was in hell if there had been any flaming lakes around.

She concluded that she must’ve still been alive, so she forced herself to get up and keep moving. She hadn’t seen John or Anderson. They had probably gone on ahead of her. If John beat her to the control panel, she’d never live it down. The galaxy saved by the _real_ First Human Spectre. She couldn’t let that happen.

The ride up the beam was an experience, landing in a pile of bodies was less than ideal, but she was happy to hear John and Anderson had made it. The knowledge gave her the burst of adrenaline she needed to keep going regardless of the gash in her side and several broken ribs.

She had a pistol in one hand and her rupture side in the other as she trekked through the Keeper tunnels. It was slow going, and she figured John and Anderson would’ve had things taken care of by the time she arrived in the control room, but she quickly discovered that that wasn’t the case.

“Hello Shepard. Good of you to join us,” the Illusive Man said from behind her when she’d arrived at the top of a ramp that she had just begun to think went on forever.

But she was frozen in place, couldn’t spin around to shoot him or to punch him in his smug face. “What have you…?”

“I warned you. Control is the means to survival. Control of the Reapers…and of you, if necessary,” he retorted, positioning John and Anderson in front of her.

“They’re controlling you,” Anderson snapped.

“I don’t think so, Admiral.”

The man must have gone insane as he droned on and on about harnessing control over the Reapers to better Humanity. That much power at the disposal of a madman could only end in disaster. Anderson was right; destroying them was the only way to go to keep the galaxy safe.

She had to stop him before he followed through with his plan, but she couldn’t move. She was paralyzed. He was using the Reaper’s tech to control the three of them, but she had to do something, had to try to break free of it, of him.

She felt her finger twitched and heard the shot ringing in her ears, but she had no control over its trajectory. Her heart crumbled when John’s armor shattered, his jaw clenching as blood began to trickle down from the wound she involuntarily inflicted when he hit the ground.

Like the last time she shot him, this wasn’t her fault, but there was an understanding in his eyes, forgiveness. That didn’t stop the guilt from settling in. Then the Illusive Man made Anderson kneel in front of him, gun set to deliver the kill shot, and she had to stop him, had to fight back.

“You’re not yourself anymore. They’ve taken you,” she spat, struggling to raise the gun on him, to wiggle her finger just enough to lay the hammer down.

“No! You’re the one who failed! Look around you, Shepard. The Reapers are ripping the galaxy to pieces. But what happens when the war is over? Chaos will once again reign. I, on the other hand…I will rebuild and raise Humanity to heights you can’t even begin to fathom.”

“You’re a puppet, just like Saren was. And just like him, we’ll stop you,” Anderson growled.

“Should I do the honors? Or would you prefer to add to your _impressive_ body count, Command—”

Another shot rang out before he could finish. Her first thought was that he shot Anderson because she hadn’t been able to pull the trigger and didn’t feel her finger move.

“Janie, don’t ever shoot me again,” John rasped from the floor, his arm falling like a lead balloon along with the smoking gun.

“I won’t,” she smirked as she rushed towards him once she could move, but Anderson waved her off.

“You need to open the arms,” he instructed. “I got him.”

She pushed a few buttons on the control panel and watched as the arms began to open. The battle was still raging against the backdrop of Earth, but she didn’t have time to enjoy the view. “Are you alright?” she asked John, dropping to her knees and taking his hand.

“It didn’t go very deep, his armor stopped most of the bullet’s momentum. Thank gods he had some medi-gel in his suit, but he’s going to need surgery to remove it,” Anderson said for him as he tried to remove some of the plates. “He might need to be cut out of this thing. Most of it’s welded together.”

“Got anymore of that medi-gel?” she asked, grasping her festering wound.

John shook his head, “Sorry, Janie…did you get the arms open? Did it work?” He tried to sit up, but Anderson pushed him back down and gave him a stern look that she couldn’t help but mirror.

“I don’t know,” she said, looking back out the enormous windows as explosions continued to color space in pops of yellows and oranges.

“You got it from here. I’m just gonna…take a nap.”

“Sorry, son. You can’t go to sleep just yet. Not without saying goodnight to Kaidan,” Anderson said.

“He’s right. The Major would kick our ass, maybe even shoot mine,” Jane agreed, knowing they had to keep him awake until he got some medical attention. They were all so tired, and it had been a long four years. Maybe a powernap wasn’t too far out of the question.

Kaidan was good for him. She didn’t want to admit it, maybe she’d never be able to, but everything looked so small from where they were in that moment, at the dawn of a new era that had been hundreds of thousands of years in the making.

“It’s getting better, right? It’ll get better?”

“We can rebuild,” John said.

“I meant with us. With Kaidan.” She had to know it would get better, that she could come back from where she’d been. Sam had helped, had given her something else to focus on, something positive. She’d never had that before, but Traynor was special and she knew she was out there waiting for her, just like Kaidan was waiting for John.

“We will…because we’re family, all of us. And we love you…warts and all.”

“Love you too, you stubborn jackass...I don't have warts,” she huffed.

“You did good kids. I’m proud of you,” Anderson said, a fond smile on his split lips.

_“Shepard? Commander?”_ Hackett said over the comms.

“It’s on you now,” Anderson told her, him just as spent as her, probably even more so.

“What do you need me to do?” Jane asked, squeezing John’s hand before she got to her shaky knees and crawled over to the control panel. Everything hurt, every muscle revolting, but this was it, her moment, what the last four years had been building too.

_“Nothing’s happening. The Crucible’s not firing. It’s gotta be something on your end.”_

The room started to spin as she reached for the panel, but it was all too much, the world fading out as John and Anderson called her name. She knew it would be okay, though, as she slipped into unconsciousness. Johnnie would handle it. Because he always was the one who got things done.


	43. Stranded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Normandy crash lands and Kaidan struggles with the possibility of losing John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this plus a short epilogue. It's kind of crazy! I hope the suspense isn't too terrible, but I'm kind of evil, muahaha! <3

_When the sun breaks_  
_Over the edge of an English town_  
_It pulls me awake, f_ _rom a bad dream_  
_I don't know why, b_ _ut I know I'm not_  
_Ever going back_  
_**-English Town, Matchbox Twenty**_

* * *

 

Garrus helped Kaidan up to the med-bay. He had insisted on going to the war room, but Liara took one look at him and ordered him to leave. All he needed was a chair and he’d be fine…relatively speaking. Even though she was technically a civilian and he the highest-ranking officer onboard, down he went, to the med-bay and into the bone knitter.

Liara brought him some datapads so he could stay informed and EDI kept him abreast of everything from Hammer’s status to which ship was the most recent to be incinerated in atmo. One of the datapads displayed John’s vitals from his suit. He couldn’t help but be more interested in that.

He felt like a failure, like he let him down. He should’ve been down there beside him, running with him towards the beam, not on the Normandy staring at pixelated approximations. They were a team and were supposed to stay together, but now he was completely helpless and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it.

A couple of ensigns were tending to his wounds: the bullet hole in his thigh and all the cuts and scrapes he gathered along the way. Tali had been kind enough to bring him rations to combat his fatigue, and Dr. Chakwas told him to get some rest, but that wasn’t going to be possible until he knew John was safe.

She currently had her hands in James’s chest cavity digging out a chunk of shrapnel. They had to put him under, but his heart was beating strong. Kaidan had faith he’d pull through. Cortez had wanted in to see him, but the Doctor had ordered him out then turned on the privacy setting to tint the glass.

He knew it was so she could work unencumbered, not out of malice, but if it had been John, there was no way anything or anyone could’ve kept him from being by his side…except a fucked up leg while his husband went on something akin to a suicide mission without him.

With every spike of John’s heart rate, his jumped too. Then it slowed down for a few minutes before speeding back up. His own nearly stopped when the readouts went berserk. The temperature gage skyrocketed and warnings flashed culminating in a systems crashing, the datapad going red and showing a flat line.

But that couldn’t have been right. That couldn’t have been it, John couldn’t…he couldn’t be gone.

The datapad slipped out of his tremorous hands and crashed to the floor. He tried to get up, but his leg was stuck in the knitter, his fingers too shaky to push the right buttons to free himself and his vision too blurred from tears to be of much use.

“EDI, t-turn the ship around!” he stuttered, “Go back to John’s last known location.”

_“I cannot, Major. The risk is too extreme with the Reaper residing at the base of the beam. I am sorry.”_

“EDI, I said turn the damn ship around and go find my husband!”

“Alenko! No shouting in my OR,” Dr. Chakwas chided.

“EDI, that’s an order,” he said a little quieter.

“Kaidan?” Liara breathed as she rushed into the room, “We’re trying to reestablish contact. I’m sure they’re fine.” Her words offered him no comfort.

“Liara, his suit flat lined! Now, tell EDI to take me back to him or I’ll fly the damn Kodiak down there myself!” he demanded as he continued to struggle to free his leg. He had to get to John. If they went now, they’d be able to save him.

“Alenko! You’re not going anywhere until your bones have had time to set,” Chakwas yelled over her shoulder before turning back to James. “Now, quiet down before I nick an artery.”

He took a deep breath, “Liara, he can’t…he, he can’t be gone…you have to help me find him. We can find him.”

“Harbinger is…” she paused, her own eyes flooded with unshed tears, “…he’s in the way. It’d be a death sentence for all of us,” she tried to explain, but all he wanted to hear was John’s voice.

 _“Specialist Traynor has picked up several comms signals approaching the transport beam, but she has yet to establish contact or identify the frequencies at this time,”_ EDI relayed.

“Help me out of this!” Kaidan said, wiping his eyes with one hand as he fiddle with the machine with the other. “I need to get to the war room.” Liara looked to where Chakwas was performing surgery on James as she thought over his request. “Liara please!” he begged.

She gave a subtle nod and punched in the release codes. As soon as he was free, he swung his legs off the table and slid down, hissing when pain shot up his leg. Chakwas hollered something at him, but he was already halfway out the door. Garrus saw him from the mess and rushed over to help Liara bear some of his weight.

When they got off the elevator, Traynor greeted them, “We have a weak signal!” It was clear by the excitement in her voice that she was just as relieved as Kaidan. “We keep losing it, but we’re doing our best to get it stabilized.”

“John?” was all Kaidan gave a fuck about, the only thing his mind would let him say.

“Yes, he’s with Anderson,” she said as they continued to the war room. “I also heard chatter from Jane, but they are cutting in and out. EDI is trying to clean up the static, but she’s running at full capacity as it is.”

A lieutenant brought him a chair, which he was thankful for, but there wasn’t much he could do but wait for a better signal. They were able to pick up a few words here and there, not much but enough for him to be reassured that John was okay for the time being.

The only thing he had was hope that he and John would be able to find each other when it was all said and done, faith that his husband would make it out safely, and he clung to both like he would a life preserver as he floated helplessly in an ocean of uncertainty.

EDI picked up the Illusive Man’s voice at one point. If it hadn’t been her, he would’ve thought it was a mistake, but then he heard the gunshots and his heart stopped all over again. He was blind without the suit readout and the comms. Useless. John was fighting for his life and everyone else’s and he couldn’t even stand on his own two feet.

It wasn’t long after that when the Citadel’s arms opened. That sent everyone into overdrive as the ship began to buzz with the possibility that they might be able to defeat the Reapers, but Kaidan was still chockfull of anxiety and worry as he waited for word on John. It was Hackett’s that came first, and they were not what he wanted to hear.

 _“All Fleets, the Crucible is armed. Disengage and head to the rendezvous point,”_ the Admiral ordered. _“I repeat, disengage and get the hell out of here.”_

But Kaidan couldn’t leave without John. He wouldn’t. His whole world was still on the Crucible and they had no idea what was going to happen once the weapon fired. He stood from the chair, ignoring the pain and Liara’s calls as he rushed out of the room.

He staggered to the cockpit screaming for Joker to turn back around, but Garrus intercepted him. “It was a direct order from Hackett,” the Turian said, moving to stand in his way, but he didn’t give a damn who gave the order or who he had to go through to disobey it.

“I have to get down there!” he countered, his biotics flaring with fear and fury. If they wouldn’t help him, he’d do it himself. He spun back around and did his best to storm to the elevators, dead set on getting to the hanger bay and taking the Kodiak. Cortez had picked up a new one when he made it to the FOB and transported the rest of the crew aboard.

But his plan was foiled when Dr. Chakwas appeared on the other side of the elevator doors. Before he could take a step onto the lift, Liara frozen him in a status and the Doctor injected him with something. “I’m sorry, Major, but it’s for your own good,” he heard her British accent say as the lights began to dim.

 

**Two Hours Later**

Kaidan woke up in the infirmary with a migraine. His leg was back in that damned bone knitter, but his head throbbed too much to attempt an escape. “John?” he whispered as he screwed his eyes shut, wincing in pain.

“How are you feeling, Major?” Dr. Chakwas asked. He was grateful she kept her voice soft when she spoke, having likely picked up on his tells.

“Need my meds,” he mumbled.

She hummed an agreement and began their usual migraine routine of turning down the lights and administering his cocktail of chemicals. He heard voices to his right and turned his head slowly, peering through tiny slits at James and Steve. The Lieutenant was sitting up, which was a great sign, but the fact that the Doc ignored him when he called for John made seeing them bittersweet.

Either they hadn’t heard from John or he was gone and they were waiting to tell him. He would of cried if his head hadn’t already hurt enough. He knew that wouldn’t help, but a few tears fell anyway before the sleeping meds kicked in. And for the first time in a long time, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to ever wake up.

_He was running, towards a bright light, the beam. They were on the battlefield, John in front of him. He cringed when Harbinger primed and yelled with everything he had when it hit, his husband spinning to look him in the eye as he burst into flames, his arm outstretched and a look of betrayal on his face as he was vaporized into dust, pieces of him scattered on the wind._

“Major? Wake up, you’re having a nightmare,” a deep, soothing voice said out of the dark.

He opened his eyes, his chest heaving as the dream faded away. His throat was dry from screaming or dehydration, probably both, and his stomach was rumbling.

“How long was I out?” he asked James.

“I don’t know, been in and out myself a few times…your head still busted?”

“Had worse…EDI, where’s John?”

 _“All communications are down, Major. We have received no word on the Captain’s status since we landed,”_ she replied.

“Landed? Where? Earth?” he asked as he scrambled off the exam bed. His leg was still sore, but most of the pain was gone. That could’ve been thanks to the pain meds, but he didn’t care, he had to find John. He moved to take a step but the room started to tilt and he leaned back against the bed to compensate.

“Crash landed,” James corrected. “We're stranded. They’ve been waiting for you to wake up before they decided what to do.”

He was confused. They crash landed? That meant the ship had been damaged. “What’s there to decide?”

 _“Which systems to repair first and whether an excursion should be taken on the planet’s surface,”_ EDI added.

Liara entered with a cup of tea for him and a sympathetic frown. He didn’t need anyone’s sympathies; John was fine. All he had to do was find him. He would’ve known if he was gone, he would’ve surely felt it like a part of him was missing. But he could do with the tea.

“Thanks,” he said when she handed it over. He sat down in the closest chair and took a tentative sip then cleared his throat. “Where are we?”

“We took some damage when the Crucible fired. Joker was forced to make an emergency landing on Thoth when we were thrown out of our Mass jump by the energy pulse,” she explained.

 _“Hey, I did my best,”_ Joker scoffed through the comms. _“One minute we were en route to the rendezvous, the next we were thrown out of it by some weird blue light. I had a helluva time even getting us this far. We coasted into atmo. As Javik said, I’m surprised the local primitives haven’t shown up to eat us yet.”_

“There’s a colony here, right? I remember studying it in school: Thoth, the closest planet to Earth able to sustain life. Sixteen light years from Earth.” _Sixteen light years._ That wasn’t so bad. With the FTL drive they could make it back to Earth in just over a day.

He did his best to push all the negative thoughts out of his mind. Getting back to Earth gave him something to focus on, a goal to work towards. John would be waiting for him when he got there. He was certain of it.

“Yes, several hours south of our position. Unfortunately, our FTL drive was severely damaged. Tali and Adams are working on getting it back online…” Liara continued with the update as they headed for the CIC, Chakwas telling him to take it easy when they passed the mess hall. They met Joker and the three of them exited the ship to survey the planet and the damage they sustained.

“We have no way of knowing if we’ll be able to get parts to repair the ship in the colony. The comms are still down, but Traynor is working on getting something up and running so we can contact them…Are you sure you’re okay to be on your feet?” Liara asked.

“I’m fine, Liara. What about the Reapers? Any spotted nearby? Do we know if this planet was attacked?” Kaidan asked, looking over the lush landscape.

The planet was beautiful: birds were chirping, a gentle breeze blew in his face, and sunlight danced on his skin. It was paradise and looked to be untouched by the war. His mother would love it. Maybe it would be the perfect place to take her for her first trip off world. He filed the thought away for later.

“No reports that I was able to find, but my network is as dead as the comms at the moment, Kaidan.”

“Joker, how long until we get the engines back up and running?”

“With the right parts, Tali said a week at best…and who knows without,” the helmsman frowned.

A week and a day. John would wait a week and a day for him. They’d never been apart for longer than half a day since they met—except when John was abducted, but he chose to forget about that horrible experience. In comparison, a week wasn’t so bad. It was doable. John would make a joke about him taking his time when he got back. He couldn’t wait to see the smirk that would accompany it.

He was going to find a way to get back to his husband if he had to hike down to the colony and steal a ship himself. With commercial FTL drives, he could make it back to Earth in less than four months. He could wait that long if he had to. That’s how they did it in the olden days. Maybe it would be romantic.

“Comms?”

“There are problems on our end, but we don’t know if it’s us or if the rest of the comms buoys were damaged during the blast. And we won’t know until we repair the ship,” Liara said.

Joker cleared his throat, “About John,” he sighed, his voice soft like a child due for a scolding, and Kaidan knew he hadn’t wanted to bring up the subject.

“He’s fine, Joker. He’s going to be fine, I’m sure of it,” Kaidan said. And he mostly believed that. He had to believe that, nothing else was acceptable. And until he got word otherwise, that was what he would continue to think.

Joker shook his head before bowing it, “I’m sorry I couldn’t go back for him.”

“You had orders…your next ones are to get me back to my husband…was EDI able to pick up on anything useful about the Reapers? Were they destroyed?” Kaidan asked, wanting to change the subject.

“We do not know,” Liara answered.

“Dammit, I hate not knowing! We aren’t even sure if the Crucible worked, our planets could still be burning,” he groaned as he hurried back aboard. His leg was starting to bother him, but he didn’t want to let on. “That’s priority one: getting the comms back up. Two are the engines. What about food and water? How are we on those?”

“We’ll be fine for a month or two. But the dexto staples might need to be rationed for Tali and Garrus.”

“Ration everything. We have no idea how long this will take…EDI, tell Cortez to prep the shuttle, we need to get to the colony,” he ordered.

_“Yes, Major.”_

“I’ll go with you,” Liara offered.

“No, I want you to stay here and see if you can help Traynor with the comms. I’ll take Garrus and Tali. She’ll know what we need for the engine,” he said as he began the arduous trek to the hanger bay.

His leg was getting stiffer the longer he was on it, but he had a mission. He had to get back to John, but he also knew he had to get everyone on the ship back safely. Or worse case scenario: they needed to get back into the fight.

*****

The colony was decent sized, about half a million colonists and growing. They weren’t used to seeing aliens which was evident in the curious looks they gave Tali and Garrus. That had them a little nervous, but everyone appeared friendly. Kaidan had opted for armor, the Spectre insignia displayed proudly. He had a feeling it helped to put people at ease about his companions.

There wasn’t much of a military presence, a small depot with a few thousand troops. The Major he spoke to told him they feared their ship was a Reaper when it landed which was why they hadn’t sent anyone out to meet them. They were set up to defend the colony and that was about it.

Their comms were down as well. They had no more information than they had about the Reapers or the success or failure of the Crucible. Not knowing was torturous, but no positive Reaper sightings were a good thing for the moment. The crew needed a little reprieve.

They weren’t able to get the proper parts from the military depot, but Tali picked up a few that she thought might at least get them up and running at a decent hobble. It would have to do. The Normandy’s FTL would cut their travel time down to days at best and weeks at worst compared to the alternative.

He gave serious thought to commandeering a military ship. They might’ve been able to get him there in a few months, but he knew John would be upset if he left his ship and crew behind. That combined with his sense of duty won over in the end. If he was going back, it was going to be on the Normandy.

He spent the next two weeks helping out where he could in engineering. It kept his mind off things. If his hands were busy in the guts of the ship, he had to stay focused. He elected to sleep in the officer’s quarters, not able to bring himself to even step foot in the SO without John.

But what little sleep he managed to get was restless and riddle with nightmares. Steve woke him up several times hoping to stop him from waking the rest of the crew. He quickly found that the harder he worked, the less he dreamed and the less time he had to think about John, which led him to push himself to near exhaustion.

He tried not to think about John not surviving, about his widowed mother left alone, but it was difficult knowing how ruthless the Reapers were. He did his best to keep those bad thoughts out of his mind choosing instead to focus on the possibility that John was working just as hard to get to him as he was to get home.

 _“Major, we were able to make contact with Admiral Hackett on the QEC,”_ EDI relayed when he was taking his lunch break one afternoon. Everyone in the mess hall turned to look at him, wide-eyed and excited at their progress.

“On my way!” he shouted, abandoning his tray as he hopped up and limped to the elevator.

_“We only had contact for a brief moment, Major.”_

“What did he say?”

EDI played the recorded message to him on the ride up to the CIC.

_[Hackett]: Norma…thisss is Admir…Hackett. What issss yo-your status?_

_[Liara]: This is Dr. T’Soni. We’re having trouble with the signal, but we crash landed on Thoth and are in the midst of repairing the FTL drive along with a few other systems._

_[Hackett]: The R-reapers are non-hossstile. I r-repeat, non-hostile, but a-appproach -ith extre…caution…. W-where isss –arjor Alenko? ….looking f-for hi….John is—_

_[Traynor]: Admiral? Admiral Hackett, come in, sir…I think we lost him._

“Can we reestablish contact?” Kaidan asked as the elevator doors slid open. It was a stupid question because he was sure Traynor and Liara were working on doing just that.

 _“We are attempted to do so as we speak,”_ EDI assured him.

He was more concerned about the part where Hackett said the Reapers were looking for something or someone. Where they looking for him? Why? And why did he say they were non-hostile? What the hell did the Crucible do exactly?

His head was reeling with a million different questions, but before he could make it to the war room, the ship’s alarms for General Quarters were trigger and Joker’s voice rang through the speakers, _“We have a Reaper inbound!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The planet I stranded them on is named after the Egyptian god [Thoth](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thoth) who was a pretty cool diety. Its scientific name is [Gliese 832c,](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gliese_832_c) but I didn't think that was cool enough, and it's one of the closest planets found so far that could possibly sustain life. *The more you know*


	44. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fates of John and Jane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to go ahead a post this and the epilogue today because they are both burning a whole in my computer. It would've been fun to let you squirm for a week, but after 45 chapters, I think you all deserved to get to the end of it just as much as the crew.
> 
> *Slight warning for vague thoughts of suicide, but brief and nothing explicit.

_I, I could be anything_  
_But for the faults that I’ve acquired on my way_  
_We, we were the end of it_  
_But now we see the sun shining in our face_  
**_-Sleeping at the Wheel, Matchbox Twenty_ **

* * *

 

**John**

John hurt all over. Anderson told Jane the bullet didn’t go too deep, but he knew he had lied to her. She needed to believe he’d be alright in case she needed to finish the mission without him. And it looked like she would have to when Hackett commed.

Jane crawled over to the console then collapsed. Anderson let go of his hand and attempted to slither over to her, but before he could make it, the platform she was on began to rise. “Jane!” they both yelled in unison as they watched her ascend, both helpless to her now.

If the Reapers were to be stopped by the Crucible, she’d have to be the one to find the way to do it.

“We need to get you out of here, John,” Anderson said. He was able to prop himself up against a nearby step, but he wasn’t sure if he could stand. Even if he tried, he didn’t think the Admiral would be up to helping him all the way to safety, wherever that would be was anyone’s guess.

“You go…I just…just tell Kaidan that I love him,” he said, a lone tear trickling down his cheek.

“No, I’m getting you out of here. We’re all getting out of here. We’ll get you some help, then we’ll find Jane,” Anderson said, his stern voice had always brought him comfort. “You just stay awake, son…And that’s an order dammit!”

But his breathing was labored and slowing and he was starting to get cold, his shooting pain dulling to a subtle ache. That couldn’t be a good sign. Then his eyes began to drift shut as visions of Kaidan—his smile, those honey eyes, the sound of his laugh—waltzed through his head. He could think of worse images to die to.

“Anderson…I’m…just so tired.”

*****

When he opened his eyes again, everything was white. The light flickered overhead and he smelled an odd combination of smoke and antiseptic. His throat was dry and his hip was throbbing, so he was going to go ahead and wager a guess that he wasn’t dead. He swallowed hard then managed to rasp Kaidan’s name.

“John?” Anderson’s voice cut through the haze, as did the beeping of machines. Yeah, he wasn’t dead. “Thank heavens. I thought I lost you both.”

“Where’s Kaidan?”

“I don’t know, son. I wish I did,” he said, frowning as he placed a hand on John’s forearm and squeezed before letting go. He looked exhausted and John had a feeling he hadn’t gotten much sleep lately. But he was alive; they were both alive.

“He, he’s okay though, right?”

Anderson looked away as he shrugged his shoulders before turning back, “The Normandy dropped out of contact on the way to the rendezvous. Our long-range comms have been down as long as you have. We’re just now getting them up and running in areas. I got word from Hackett that the Fleet’s are moving back to Sol, but the Relays have been damaged. We have no ETA on their arrival, could be months…years even.

“You’re never going to believe this but…” he let out a huff of laughter before continuing, “...the Reapers are fixing them. We aren’t sure what’s going on with them. They all broke off once the Crucible fired and they’re…they seem to be helping us now. We haven’t had one report of them harvesting or harming anyone since.”

John’s brow pulled together as he tried to understand what that meant. “How is that possible?”

“I don’t know, John. Whatever Jane did must’ve worked. I just hope it’ll last. But we have too many wounded to complain about help right now, too many stranded soldiers on Earth that need to make it home,” Anderson said. He stood and walked towards the window.

It was quiet for a long moment while Anderson looked out over the landscape. But John still had too many unanswered questions. “Where’s Jane? How did we get out?”

“We have a team on the Citadel looking for her, but the area we were in was destroyed. We were lucky to make it out in time and that was only because I was able to get to the console and call for a medical team. They hauled us out of there as it started to collapse.”

There was another long pause before John was able to reply, blinking away the stinging pain of tears in his eyes, “She’s gone, isn’t she?” He bit into his lip and did his best to hold them back.

He lost her again after he told her that they’d all get through it, that they’d make it out the other side, but he failed her. He’d just gotten her back, they were making progress, they were going to get passed everything that happened and be a happy family. That was the only thing he’d wanted since Mindoir, since their father died, since the Batarians murdered every last one of theirs, and now it was too late.

The Reapers took it, the last of it, the last bit of blood he had left in the galaxy. And Kaidan? Where the hell was Kaidan? “I need to find him,” he said, throwing off the sheets, but Anderson moved to stop him before he could get up.

“You need to take it easy, kid. You coded several times in transport, and you need rest so your body can heal,” the Admiral said.

“I need to find my husband, Pops!”

“John?” a small voice called from the doorway. He turned and was struck speechless at seeing Kaidan’s mother Margaret moving toward him. “You’re awake,” she smiled, her tears falling freely as she approached his bed. “We were beginning to think you were going to sleep until your prince came and kissed you,” she laughed. “But I think you deserved a rest.”

“How…how long was I…”

“A few days,” she said as she covered his hand with hers. His bottom lip began to quiver looking into the same eyes as Kaidan’s, and he was glad she leaned in to wrap her arms around him because he was able to hide his face in her neck as they wept together, bonded by a tangled web of grief.

When she eventually pulled back, she wiped the tears from his cheeks before pawing at her own. “You picked a good day to come back to us, sweetheart. The sun’s out for the first time in a month the nurses said.”

“Are we in Vancouver?” he sniffled.

“No, we’re just outside London,” Anderson said. “It was the closest medical facility that could accommodate your injuries. I flew the Alenko’s in as soon as I could.”

“Alenko’s?” John asked, looking from Anderson back to Margaret.

At that point, he wasn’t sure what the hell was going on; every new piece of information left him even more confused. He was starting to get tired, but there was too much to be done to sleep. There was search and rescue, rebuilding the galaxy, and figuring out what was going on with the Reapers. It all involved manpower, and he wanted to do his part.

“David was able to pull some strings and found Chase in a makeshift medical ward just south of Seattle,” Margaret said, covering her trembling lips with equally trembling hands. “He was able to escape when his unit was wiped out with a few others and joined another company that went south, but there was no way for him to send word.

“He…they weren’t able to save his left arm and had to amputate, but he’s alive. I’m counting my blessing that it wasn’t worse. Once we found him, Anderson had him transferred here, but it’s only temporary...until you’re able to travel.”

She squeezed his hand and let go, moving to sit down in one of the nearby chairs. She looked exhausted as well, but after fighting a galactic war, he figured they all were. Kaidan was going to be so thrilled to know his father was alive. John just had to find him.

“I thought it was important for you to have family around when you woke,” Anderson added. “We’re working to reestablish order and get our infrastructure up and running. I had wanted to transfer you to Vancouver, but, uh...Grunt insisted you stay here for the time being.”

They all had a good laugh when Anderson told him about Grunt coming in and scaring half the staff to death with his incessant pacing while he was in surgery. The Krogan was currently out working rescue with his company, and Samara had come by at some point, which he appreciated. But after an hour or two of visiting and sitreps, his eyes began to droop.

Margaret excused herself and went back down the hall to Chase’s room, promising she’d be back to check on him soon. Anderson left as well. John understood. He was the highest-ranking officer on Earth and was needed to reestablish order not babysit him while he slept.

*****

The next day he was allowed to walk around the hospital ward. Grunt had spent the night huddling in the corner. The nurses offer him a chair, but he refused out of honor. He went back out to help with search and rescue after breakfast, and John had lunch with his in-laws.

It was more awkward than he thought it would be. None of them wanted to bring up Kaidan, but they were all thinking about him, about the hole that was missing in their lives. He wasn’t sure how things would go if Kaidan never came back, wasn’t sure if they’d want him around, wasn't even sure he'd be around.

But he couldn’t think about that, couldn’t think about Kaidan drifting out there aimlessly in the cold expanse of space never to be found. It was a fruitless endeavor because the harder he tried to block out those dark thoughts the more swarmed him.

He went back to his room after lunch and curled up on the bed, mourning in solitude and contemplating how long he’d have to wait for their bodies to turn up before he could end it all, the suffering in his heart. All he seemed to be able to concentrate on was his husband and how he may never find him, on Jane and how she left him for the second time.

Sleep offered no respite and was hard to come by. Any time he closed his eyes for longer than a few minutes, horrible images of Jane and Kaidan burning or being harvested as he stood by helpless flashed through his mind. Nightmares plagued him of the two of them and even of what happened years ago on Mindoir and Akuze.

The sleeping meds they had him on didn't help, and he was glad they released him after a few days so he could stop taking them. It had been a week since the war ended when he, Grunt, and Anderson accompanied the Alenko’s back to Vancouver to help set up the new HQ. Anderson had said things would get better with time, but they only seemed to be getting worse.

Chase still needed medical attention and would for a while. When he was released, he and Margaret were planning on going back to the orchard to recuperate. They offered John a room, but the thought of going back there without Kaidan was too painful to contemplate.

Anderson ordered him on medical leave, which was a double-edged sword. His body was healing, but it gave his mind too much time to deteriorate into a dark abyss. The only thing that kept him going was the fact that he promised Kaidan he’d find him.

All his spare time was spent scouring what remained of Alliance databases looking for any clues as to where the Normandy could’ve been when they lost contact. Looking for a ship in space was worse than looking for a needle in a haystack of needles, and he knew there was little to no hope of him being able to find the Normandy on his own.

If he had EDI or Liara—Glyph even—he might’ve made progress, but the whole thing left him more and more frustrated and convinced he’d never see Kaidan again. But he had to keep looking. Kaidan would kick his ass if he gave up without a fight.

No progress was made in the search for Jane either. He tried to convince Anderson to let him go to the Citadel, but he was stonewalled because of his injuries. They had a few fights about it—along with the hip that gave him problems that he refused to acknowledge—but deep down John understood his concerns.

Anderson had informed him that after the Crucible fired, the Reapers moved out of the solar system except the ones repairing the Relays. He wasn’t convinced the war was over, especially when they started moving back in. And when one touched down on their makeshift command base asking for him, he was not prepared for its request that he become the Organic/Reaper liaison.

“I’m sorry, did you just say you want me to come with you?” John asked the Reaper looming before him. Admiral Anderson had given the word not to engage, but he had ordered every weapon they had to be trained on it when the lone Reaper started its descent.

“She has requested a meeting with you,” the Reaper replied, its harsh booming timbre so loud he felt the base in his chest.

“What do you mean _she_ Who? Jane?”

“The Shepard,” it replied, extending a platform from a panel that slid open in its hull.

“I don’t understand,” John said to it before turning to Anderson, “What am I supposed to do?”

The shock was evident on the Admiral face, “I don’t know, son. I do not know.” 

_The Shepard?_ It couldn’t mean Jane, could it? Was she…did she? No, that couldn’t be possible. “You tried to wipe out my entire species, the entire galaxy, and now you expect me to come with you?”

“The Shepard wishes to help.”

“Why do you want to help us now?”

“Our primary directive has been altered. The harvesting program has ceased. The Shepard rewrote us.”

“Like Jane rewrote the Geth Heretics?”

“This is correct.”

“I don’t understand,” Anderson said. “Where is Jane?”

“The one you called Jane has…transcended.”

“And you’re going to take me to her? To the… _Shepard?_ ” John asked, sparing a glance in Anderson’s direction who looked equally stunned at the news that Jane had…well, he wasn’t quite sure what she had done. “Why didn’t she come herself?”

“Self-preservation. The Shepard has a message she wishes to relay: Amaranth,” the Reaper said. And John’s heart sputtered.

“Amaranth?” Anderson asked.

“It was our mother’s favorite flower and one of our code words from when we were kids…it means truce. We…it’s been years since we used it. I think its telling the truth. I think…I should go.”

“Are you certain?”

John thought it over for a moment. The message was too specific to be a coincidence and something he’d certainly never told anyone about. It could’ve been a trap, but what was the point if it only wanted him? “Yeah, I am.”

“Alright…but I’m sending a team with you,” Anderson said, “Good thing you suited up when we saw it coming, but do me a favor and take it easy, kid. It's only been a few weeks.”

He nodded as Anderson gave the order. Shortly after, four Geth Prime platforms and half of Grunt's company accompanied him onto the Reaper. The inside looked similar to the Collector Base and he had to shake off the memories of being trapped there that surged to the surface. Grunt made a joke that helped, something about the decor being worse than on Tuchanka.

The ‘ride’ was short, a few minutes at the most. He felt a slight vibration as they took off, but the next thing he knew, he was being informed that they had docked with the Shepard and lights flickered on to show him the way. The whole thing was surreal and for a moment he was sure he was dreaming.

He and his team were led onto another Reaper where a shimmering white outline of Jane appeared to greet them. “Jane?”

“Something like that,” she said as they walked into a big area inside the second Reaper. Before his eyes, the room was transformed into Mindoir, and the image of Jane stood before him in a field of amaranth, the red tinted flowers swaying in the breeze behind her.

“H-how?”

“It’s just a hologram, Johnny,” she smirked at him. “I thought you’d be more comfortable with familiar scenery.

“You recognize me?” he asked, eyes jumping back and forth between the hologram Jane and the endless field behind her.

“Of course, we share DNA. Mine has just been synthesized along with my body into this vessel,” she explained, outstretching her arms as the hologram flickered off for a second before resuming.

“You mean they harvested you and turned you into a Reaper?” he shrieked in horror.

“ _I_ chose this, to control them, to have a chance to undo the things that we had done, that the Reapers have done, a chance to make things better, but in a sense…yes, I am now a Reaper implemented with Jane’s memories, her consciousness, but with the knowledge and capabilities of the entire Reaper force. She…had to die so I could be created, but it was her choice.”

“So you aren’t Jane? Not really?”

“Yes and no. I am no longer the Jane you knew; I’ve transcended my organic form. My body was assimilated into this platform and my mind was integrated into its cognitive processes.”

John let out a heavy breath as he tried to comprehend what that meant, how it happened, and the implications that his sister was now a goddamn Reaper. “But you control them now? You’re making them repair the Relays?”

“Yes. It has taken me a few Earth days to get my bearings,” she said, holding up her hands and wiggling her glittering fingers, “but now I wish to be of more assistance to the rebuilding process. I choose you as my liaison, to communicate between the Reapers and the Organics. Do you accept?”

“How can we trust you after the countless cycles of destruction you’ve caused?” John hissed. He had no idea what to make of any of it, of Jane sacrificing herself, of her essentially being harvested, albeit willingly if the Reaper was to be believed, and turned into the very thing she’d been fighting against for years.

“To most organics, trust must be earned and I intend to do that over time. Where shall I start?”

“Kaidan.” There was nothing else.

“Your husband.”

“Find him and the Normandy.”

“Very well…please wait, we are attempting to repair your long range comms systems.”

John was expecting that to take hours, days, maybe even months, but he’d wait as long as it took for them to locate Kaidan. He just hoped they got to him in time. Maybe he could figure out a way to bring him back like Project Lazarus. No, he couldn’t think like that. Kaidan was alive. He had to be.

A few minutes later, the hologram broke the silence, “I have intercepted a transmission between the Normandy and your Admiral. It is on the planet Thoth.”

“He’s alive?” John asked, his eyes welling up at the news.

“We are unable to assess his status, but the probability is high.”

“Take me to him!” he demanded. The background disintegrated a few moments later and the hologram image of Jane led him to the exit. The door opened to reveal a tropical planet and the Normandy proudly stood out against the emerald backdrop.

He took a cleansing breath and started down the ramp, his security detail following closely behind. When the Normandy’s door slid open, he was met with the most perfect sight he’d ever seen. In the doorway stood Kaidan, gun in hand, but he soon turned blurry as John was overcome with emotion at seeing his husband for the first time in weeks.

Kaidan started towards him, a clear limp to his gait, and John wiped his eyes as he hurried to him, wanting to meet him halfway so he didn’t have to walk too far with his injured leg. But he didn’t get as far as he’d liked with his bum hip.

“Baby?” Kaidan whimpered when they reached each other, his arms wrapping around John as they shared a peck on the lips before burying their faces into each other’s necks. John’s heart was instantly soothed by his husband’s distinctive scent, and he tried his best to breathe him in.

They held to each other as they collapsed, unable to let the other go but both too weak to stand any longer. They exchanged tear-soaked kisses full of so many feelings of joy and relief he thought he’d burst, but even if he did, he knew Kaidan would be there to pick up the pieces.

“I love you so much, I thought I lost you!” John said with a stuttered breath, pulling back to card his hands through Kaidan’s hair, blue eyes fluttering over his body as he reassured himself he was real, alive, and in front of him.

“Gods, I love you too!” Kaidan replied. “I tried, I tried to get back—”

“I know, baby,” John said with a watery chuckle. “I guess I just got tired of waiting.”

“You must’ve been, y-you brought a Reaper,” he replied, wary eyes regarding the monstrosity behind him.

“It’s…it’s Jane.”

Kaidan’s brown eyes snapped back to his, “What? How?”

“It’s complicated and I’ll explain if I can. Hell, I don't even understand it, but first I have good news,” John smiled, “Your father’s alive.”

Kaidan burrowed back against him as they sat in the dirt, secure in loving arms sharing tears and kisses and a long overdue therapeutic release. The crew was celebrating around them, but they were lost to anyone but each other. They had a future now, and John couldn’t wait to make the best of it because for the first time since they met, they could both just breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was sooo hard to get through. It took me awhile to write through my tears and I had to do a pretty heavy edit, but I'm very happy with how it turned out. Not quite how I pictured it, but I hope it was satisfying and enjoyable. :D


	45. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to thank everyone who gave this thing a chance, whether you were there from the beginning, found it somewhere along the way, or are reading this from the future. You have no idea how much it means to me that you were willing to come this far. This fic has been a labor of love for almost a year now and I'm so honored you all joined me on this journey. I've learned so much from writing this story and I hope you'll follow me to the sequel, which I hope to start writing some time in December.
> 
> Enjoy!

_But it’s alright_  
_Why don’t you tell me again_  
_How you’ll still be there_  
_When the heartache ends_  
**_-When the Heartache Ends, Rob Thomas_ **

* * *

 

A little over a month after the war ended and many things were still uncertain. The Reapers helped to repair most of the comms buoys, which went a long way in demonstrating their willingness to help Organics, but most people were rightly skeptical. Kaidan had heard of a few militias that formed with the sole purpose of completing the job they felt Shepard didn’t.

The Relays were months out from being repaired, but the Reapers were helping there as well along with making supply runs and transporting anyone around the galaxy willing to take the chance on boarding one. He certainly couldn’t blame those who weren’t comfortable with taking that risk.

The first time he stepping inside the Shepard—as she preferred to be called by anyone other than John—had been an experience to say the least. He clung to John for dear life, the only thing keeping him from jumping ship immediately was the trust he had in his husband and the fact that if something went wrong, they’d be together.

The trip itself was quick. The Reapers were capable of traveling faster than any ship in the galaxy, and the Shepard displayed a beautiful hologram of English Bay since that had been their destination. It was quiet and smoother than he expected, but it was an odd feeling being inside something so powerful, something he’d spent years of his life vowing to destroy.

Understandably, parking a Reaper on the back forty of the Alenko family orchard without warning had earned them both quite a chastising from his mother, but she and his father surprised them both and agreed to come aboard. They spent a little time conversing with the Jane VI before retiring to the house.

John had spent a lot of time with the Shepard Reaper since they first made contact. Samantha had refused, which Kaidan thought was her right. The entity shared Jane’s memories and that was something John latched onto as a way of dealing with Jane being gone, of bridging the gap between who she used to be and what her essence had become.

John was convinced it was Jane, but Kaidan was aware she or it wasn’t the same Jane they once knew. He wasn’t sure if that was healthy or not, but he just didn’t have it in him to bring it up. Not yet. John and Jane had such a rocky relationship, and he felt John needed the peace that came along with holding onto her in whatever way he could. If only the illusion of her.

It had sought him out, chose him as its liaison, but Kaidan didn’t know what to make of that. Time would have to be the judge as far as the Reapers were concerned. The galaxy had only started to rebuild and bury their dead, to mourn those that gave life to the rest of them with the most greatest of sacrifices. It was a time for healing now; everything else could wait.

The Normandy limped into orbit soon after John found them. They were able to secure parts thanks to the Reapers and made it back to Earth. James was recovering nicely and they had escorted everyone where they needed to go: Tali to Rannoch, Garrus to Palaven, and Liara to Thessia to name a few.

Afterwards, Anderson had ordered the both of them on indefinite medical leave to rest and recuperate. John had been hesitant, but he was on the weaker side after being shot. He told Kaidan it had been the Illusive Man that shot him. The Admiral confirmed it, but he suspected there was more to it than that. Maybe it was best that he didn’t know.

Kaidan’s father was learning to cope after losing his left arm, but he was doing well despite the trauma he suffered. His mother was happy all her boys returned to her and insisted on spoiling them the best she could with what little resources they had available. But Kaidan knew she was just as much a hero of the war as they were.

The refugees that had taken up residence in their countryside community had started to thin once the fighting stopped, most people hoping to reunite with loved ones and begin to rebuild what was lost. The farmhouse was still full of relatives though. John had been uncomfortable with all the unfamiliar faces at first, but that passed quickly.

Kaidan’s leg was still giving him problems, but he had high hopes that some physical therapy would clear it up. John had a limp as well thanks to the bad hip that kept locking up on him. He was putting off surgery, siting more critical patients needed attention before him. Kaidan couldn’t argue with that.

It had taken a lot of luck to come out the other side of the war relatively unscathed, but they were happy to have come out at all.

Along with their physical ailments were the horrors that occurred in dreams on a nightly basis. If it wasn’t John waking him as he thrashed about, it was he waking John as he screamed into the still of night. They soon learned they weren’t the only ones who suffered restless nights when they heard his father crying out in his sleep from down the hall their second night at the orchard.

But someone once told him there was strength in empathy.

“It’s not just us,” John whispered, feeling for his hand in the dark to bind their fingers, a gentle squeeze conveying more than words: a silent plea for comfort, reassurance, commiseration.

“I’m pretty sure it’s everyone,” he replied, squeezing back before letting go to roll towards him onto his good side. He slipped his bad leg over John’s and ran a hand through his husband’s hair. It was longer than he’d ever seen it and he secretly hoped he’d let it grow now that the war was over. “It’ll get better.”

“Will it?”

John’s voice sounded so small and Kaidan’s heart ached for him. He ran his hand down to John’s cheek, tracing his jawline with calloused fingers. He found those pillow-soft lips in the dark by instinct alone—a heated kiss of solace and support—and repeated the same thing John had said to him the night before when it had been his turn to fall apart.

“It will, just so long as I have you, dear husband.”

“Always,” John said, his voice lifting from the somber tone of a moment before. And Kaidan didn’t need to see his face to picture the soft smile he knew had replaced the forlorn frown. “But since we’re up, Major…” his sultry words now indicative of a smirk, “…we might as well make the best of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously this wasn't the place I intended to end this sucker when I started, but what I had planned will be pushed into the sequel. This probably should've been a trilogy if I had known what I was doing at the time. Live and learn.
> 
> Control is not an ending I ever choose but this whole fic has been about me trying things I normally wouldn't do especially where MShenko was concerned. Jane became the vessel in which I used to explore those things with and she inadvertently ended up feeling like the bad guy at times because of it. But I really hope I was able to give her a decent send off because I do love Jane. With that said she/Reaper Shepard will be a big part of the sequel, probably even more so than I realized in the beginning.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and feel free to come yell at me on [tumblr.](http://www.arcticlucie.tumblr.com)


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